Boundaries

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow bright and early @8am. I can’t wait. I literally have a list of items that I need help sorting through. My main problem, aside from the alcohol is co-dependence. I’m sure it’s probably been very obvious to you, my dear reader, but it’s been a bit of an eye opening revelation. 

Once we worked through that the therapist wanted to know what my goal of therapy was going to be from that point forward. After much discussion and self reflection on my part I decided my goal would be to find appropriate boundaries to apply to my current situation. I let H take up entirely too much space in my head. Since moving out is not an option due to financial reasons I need to determine what I need to feel safe emotionally and to enable me to model safe boundaries/self care to my daughter.

The first boundary that popped into my mind was our sleeping arrangement. H has camped out on the couch for over 1 year. Initially I was hurt by it, questioned him incessantly about it, did stuff/wore stuff to try and ‘entice’ him back into our bed. Nothing worked. Eventually I gave up and finally I accepted it. I never, however liked it. I got to the point where I did not want him in my bed but I still did not want to be alone. I’m too young and have too much life left inside of me to be in a celibate, loveless marriage. The last couple of months I’ve toyed with the idea of asking H to move out. I hate feeling like I’m living a lie or pretending to be something or have something (a marriage) that I don’t have. Plus, I have to admit. I really started to enjoy sleeping alone and having the bedroom to myself. Prior to meeting H I lived alone for about 8 years. I had roommates I college and it always turned into a disaster so after college there was no question in my mind. I would live alone. I loved it and missed it desperately after getting married. So much so that shortly after getting married and moving in with H I redecorated the guest bedroom into a “ladies lounge” I had the whole shabby chic, beach theme going on. I put in a bed, loveseat and entire entertainment center. I LOVED it in there. I moved in there permanently when H and I decided to divorce. I moved back out when I found out I was pregnant. I sold everything and redecorated it into a nursery for S.

I know I usually go on and on but let me try to make a very long story short by saying that I decided the first boundary I would establish would be that H move out of our bedroom. S no longer sleeps in her crib. One night she simply refused and that was the end of that. Instead she sleeps on a futon in her room. The futon was intended for my sister and her family when they visit us. S’ crib converts into a toddler bed and eventually a full size bed. I had asked H repeatedly to convert her crib into a toddler bed. He ‘never got around to it” Fine. I decided that H would move into S’ room and I would buy her a toddler bed and put it in my room. It would be tight but if I moved H’s nightstand out there would be more than enough room for me to make a spot for S. I would also request that H take his chest of drawers out and put in S’ chest of drawers but if he didn’t do it immediately that would be ok too. I could live with it. I was committed to doing what I need to do to get by with my boundary firmly in place. I had been stuck in a pattern of letting H redirect any conversation I initiated into an attack against me and my worth. H would purposely do this so I would end up feeling hurt and attempting to defend myself while letting the original issue and him off the hook. My therapist helped me to see this pattern and identify it for what it was. H is manipulating me and refusing to own up to his actions.

I’m going to go on a tangent here but I have to say that in my sessions I spoke of what has gone on in my marriage and how I felt about it. It completely blew me away when the therapist suggested the statements H make towards me are hurtful, the circumstances that I’ve tried so hard to persevere through are emotional and mental torture, the fact that I have needs too and deserve to have them met by my husband is not asking for too much and does not make me a bad wife or mother. Mind you, my therapist is very skilled. She never, ever said a bad or negative word about H.  She listened to my tales of woe and responded with empathy and compassion. Lot’s of, “that must have felt awful, that must have really hurt, that sounds insensitive, of course you’d be hurt, etc.” All very cliché, I know but they struck such a cord within me. I felt validated. Something that I have never felt in this marriage. She made it ok to feel as bad as I feel. I’m not sure if that makes any sense but that’s the only way I can describe it.

Ok, back to my story. I mentally and emotionally prepared myself; I rehearsed what I was going to say. I reminded myself to stick to the topic, not let H railroad me onto another subject. I was going to ignore the attempts to put me on the defensive. Pay no mind to the inevitable insults. I approached H and asked him if he had a moment for me. He said he did and I laid it out: Move out of our bedroom. He had made his wishes/desires towards me clear by sleeping on the couch for the past year. He set a physical boundary between us. I need to set an emotional boundary. I want my bedroom to be my private space for my daughter and I. He has slept on the couch for the past year but he still came in every morning to shower and get ready for work. I want that to stop. I need my room to be my sanctuary away from him and this so-called marriage. I’m done pretending. We live like roommates so we will be just that. Roommates. Naturally he said, “I’ll think about it” in a dismissive tone as he walked away. That stung but I concentrated on breathing through the moment and approached him to initiate the conversation again. Once he realized I would not be put off he reluctantly agreed. This happened Friday evening. We spent our evening as usual. He was in the living room watching TV. I went between the kitchen, outside to blow bubbles with S, laundry room, kids room and my room. H fell asleep on the couch and I went to bed alone.

I woke up about 5am to H snuggling up to me. He scared the heck out of me. I jumped so high I almost hit the ceiling. He was trying to put the moves on me. It kept my head about myself and asked him to refrain from touching me in that way. Too much has happened between us and it’s been too long remember this? He acted all hurt and offended but I paid him no mind. Saturday morning I began putting S bed together. Saturday night he came to bed but kept his hands to himself. Sunday he slept on the couch. Monday he sent me a text, “by the way I’m moving back into our room” I responded that I was not comfortable with that. There was too much distance between us. I didn’t want him in my bed. He text back that he also felt that there was distance and wanted to ‘fix it’ by sleeping in our bed again. I asked him point blank why he left in the first place. Unless he could be honest with himself and me nothing would change. He didn’t respond but slept on the couch. For the past 2 days he’s been very attentive, calling and texting throughout the day. Telling me not to cook dinner so he could pick up my favorite take out and he’s been sleeping in my bed. I hate it. I feel so uncomfortable with him in my bed. It truly feels like sleeping with a stranger. I can’t relax. I doubt he’s going to try anything but I feel as though I’m on guard. I don’t want him touching me. It’s sad but true. I’ve thought of asking him to go back to the couch but I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected by me. As crazy as it sounds I’m worried about causing irreparable damage to our marriage. As if anything could ever repair the damage he’s caused….Told you I was co-dependent!

Bottom line. I do not know what to do. Even after everything that’s happened between us the boundaries of where he ends and I begin are blurred. I plan to discuss this issue with my therapist and work towards a resolution tomorrow. Another goal, suggested by my therapist is to make a connection between my heart and my head. My head knows what is going on and what I need to do but my heart only knows what it feels. That leaves me feeling unhappy, unloved and stuck. That needs to change.

 

Death by 1,000 papercuts.

I'm having difficulty concentrating. I have so much that I want to write about but it's a struggle. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place.

Let me back up a bit and share about a discussion H ad I had a few weeks ago. While on vacation in January I noticed that the boy seemed very preoccupied with H and I. When we arrived in our stateroom he was very interested in the sleeping arrangements. Specifically if H was going to sleep in the same bed with me. He asked me and I answered honestly that I did not know. He asked H and H ignored him. After the boy repeatedly asked him H in turn told him that he he didn't know before eventually saying that yes he was going to sleep in the same bed as me. It turned out to be a lie. Our room had a double bed and bunk beds. That evening H settled into the bottom bunk and went to sleep. During the week I also noticed that the boy seemed to be on alert for any sign of discord between H and I. It was if he was gauging our feelings and temperaments as a way of determining how he felt and if he was ok.  That realization saddened and angered me. Our son shouldn't have to deal with this type of crap. He's just a kid. He's been dreaming about this vacation as long as he can remember. Finally it's here and he can't properly enjoy it. He's caught up in the dysfunction of H and I. A few weeks after we returned I spoke at length to H about what I saw and how I felt about it. I made it very clear that we need to do something. I will not allow this dysfunction to continue. We are potentially damaging our kids on a very fundamental level. The last thing I want is for my kids to grown up and be stuck in unhappy, unfulfilled relationships because that's all they know. I told H that it was time for action. Either we return to therapy and work on rebuilding our marriage or we decide to part amicably and with the best intentions of our kids as the priority. Although it breaks my heart to have to separate my kids I'd much rather have them grow up separate than together in dysfunction. If we can't model a healthy family I'd like to be able to model a healthy separation. In addition I told H that he either move back into our bed or officially move out into the guest room. It's not fair to me or our children to sleep on the couch every night but yet refuse to acknowledge it or take responsibility for his actions. H predictable said that he would, think about it and get back to me. I suggested a time frame of 2 weeks before we'd discuss the matter further. Two weeks passed and when questioned H said that he hadn't had time to think about it. That angered me. It's obvious that he does not care about anyone but himself. He has no desire to do anything to make our situation better or to try and model healthy behavior for his children. We exchanged some tense words but that was pretty much the end of it. Over the subsequent days my anger turned into deep sadness. I think I finally get it. The veil of denial lifted and I can clearly see that this man does not care about me or his kids. There is nothing that I can say or do that will make him care about the well being of his children, care about our marriage or to change his mind. We are nothing to him. That realization hurt. It cut me to my core. I felt raw and incredibly stupid. I'm ashamed that I have allowed someone to treat me so poorly for so long. He's criticized, belittled, mocked, taken advantage of and insulted me for years. He's emotionally and mentally abusive. He's physically withholding. But yet I'm still here and talking about working things out. WORKING THINGS OUT!?? What a joke. I'm a fool. The pain and humiliation became unbearable. I was barely functioning. I didn't shower or change for days. What was the point? The one person who should care about me wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I started to feel suicidal. That's when I called the crisis hotline and made an appointment.

My appointment went well. We worked on the suicide issue first and foremost. She wanted to make sure my kids and I were safe. That I wouldn't act on the impulse. So far they've just been thoughts of suicide. She asked if I had a plan. I did. H has a gun in the house and I know where it is. I could have used it at any point but I didn't. My kids are my priority. No matter how much I want this pain to end I could never leave them. She asked for permission to call H. She wanted to ask him get the gun out of the house. She didn't feel comfortable letting me go home knowing there was a gun in the house. I understood and appreciated her concern. It took 2 days of reminding H to put the gun away before he actually did it. That really, really bothered me, I was dying to confront him about it. Part of me wanted to yell at him and rage. the other part of me didn't see the point. I knew no matter what I said, or how many times I said it he wouldn't "hear" me. He chooses not to.



It's been a very rough road emotionally these past few weeks. I've been seeing my therapist 2x a week and am starting to feel a bit more stable emotionally. I'm off to another appointment, I'll try posting more later.

Therapy

I've been having a very rough time in my marriage this past week. A few very painful issues have been brought to my attention. The pain I'm in is acute. I can't sleep and even breathing is difficult. I have a huge weight on my chest that will not go away. It physically feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. My post about PPD was prompted by the fact that I had that same overwhelming urge to just walk out the door and never come back. My situation feels so hopeless and I'm beginning to see just how destructive this marriage has been to me. It's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally. I want to leave but aside from the fact that I have no place to go, I must remember that wherever I go there I am. I can't run from my marriage or my problems anymore.

I got in touch with a local mental health crisis center and talked about what I've been going through. The compassion I got from the counselor I spoke to completely did me in. I was driving as I spoke to her, I have blue tooth so it's hands free, I was crying so hard I had to pull over. I was referred to a therapist. My first appt. is on Monday. I've felt some measure of relief since making the appointment, although I must admit that writing out this blog has triggered my anxiety and my chest feels very heavy right now.

I have a few breathing exercises that have helped some when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've also been trying to stay in the moment and not obsess about the future. I'm trying to be gentle and patient with myself.

On another, brighter note the kids and I are going back to Disneylnd tomorrow. This time we are celebrating my son's 12th birthday. We got a park hopper ticket so we'll be venturing over to CA Adventre as well. I'm looking forward to it. They have a couple of new attractions the kids and I want to check out.

Last installment to My Story

 I realized that I have been avoiding writing the next part of my story. It’s a very painful part of my life and it hurts me to think about. I’m going to try and write it out now.

I suffered from sever post-partum depression following the birth of my daughter. I was unable to care for my daughter. I couldn’t even be I her presence without having a massive anxiety attack. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. All I did was cry. All I wanted to do was leave. Get as far away from this house, my husband and my kids as I possibly could. I had no idea where I would go but I was deep in despair and desperate for relief. I can honestly say the thought of walking out the front door and never coming back appealed to me. I was literally crawling out of my skin with sadness and anxiety. I considered living under a freeway overpass down the street from my home. I drove by it and imagined what I would do to ‘fix it up’ I even considered suicide an option. Although I was very ill, I was very fortunate to have the insight to recognize what was going on with me. I KNEW I was sick. I contacted a dear friend who literally saved my life and my daughters life. She made my dr’s appt to be evaluated for PPD and drove me there. She spent the next 6 months taking care of me and my daughter. She is married and has a family of her own but her husband and mother’s shouldered the responsibilities so she could drive 45 minutes to my house ever single day and spend her day caring for my daughter and me. It took about 2 months for the dr to get the proper medication and doses right to deal with the anxiety and another 4 months for the depression to begin to lift.

My original plan had been to return to work following 8 weeks of maternity leave. My goal was to save money and move out by S’s first birthday. Needless to say that was out of the question. I was placed on Extended Disability due to PPD. It took 9 months for me to begin functioning normally and be released from disability. By then I had lost my job security. Under CA Law my employer is not obligated to hold my job longer than the 8 weeks originally allotted to me for maternity leave. When I notified my employer of my release and intention to return to work they laid me off. That was in April 2010. I have been searching for a job ever since. I was able to get 2 temporary assignments last year. They each lasted approx. 3 months. The last one ended on Nov. 30, 2011

During my periods of unemployment I have actively searched for a job and collected unemployment insurance. Currently I am taking a computer class to become certified in 2 very well known and useful applications. I’m about half way through the course. I’m hoping once I’m certified I’ll be able to finally find a full time permanent position.

That pretty much brings us up to date on my story. Although I didn’t like having to think about it and write it out it wasn’t as painful as I had feared. Funny how that’s usually the case.

Something to look forward to!

I had a fairly decent day. Although I'm disappointed that I drank last night I didn't overdo it. I woke up fine, no trace of a hangover. I made sure to eat well and drink lots of water to flush my systems. Its not much but I felt better knowing that I was doing what I could to rid my body of alcohol and continue on my journey to sobriety.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I think I've mentioned that the kids and I adore Disneyland and everything Disney. We are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow at Disneyland. We're big on finding Hidden Mickey's and have had an ongoing friendly competition to see who can spot the most HM. The winner gets bragging rights and a churro. Here is some info on Hidden Mickey Last time my niece won. She was 6 at the time and was able to locate almost every HM we searched for. We have a guidebook that we refer to when unable to locate one. At one point I stood less than a foot in front of a HM and was unable to decipher it. I simply could not see it. My niece took one look and quickly pointed it out to me. She had to outline it with her hand. That happened more than once I have to admit.I think it was a matter of trying too hard to SEE the HM. If that makes any sense. I was literally unable to see the forest for the trees! My son and nephew who were 10 at the time were put out that my niece had won the contest. They were convinced she was too young to be any real competition for them. She showed them! It should be interesting to see who wins the contest tomorrow.

We also pin trade so we've been researching the Cast Member HM Pins that we are going to keep an eye out for tomorrow. Here is a link for those who aren't familiar with pin trading. Disney Pin Trading.


It's getting late and we have a long day planned tomorrow. We plan on being at the park when it opens at 8am and will not leave until it closes at Midnight. Tomorrow will be a sober day. No question about it. Good night.

I drank.

After posting I pulled into my driveway and went into the house. I had been doing laundry before I left so I went into the garage to check on my load. That's when I remembered the open bottle of vodka H keeps in the garage. I walked right over and pulled it out. I held it in my hands and wrestled with whether or not I really wanted a drink. I did. I thought through the drink...I still wanted it. I thought about how much I want to be sober. I thought about the fact that I gave up drinking for Lent. I still wanted it. I told myself that after I finished the laundry if I still wanted it I could have ONE.

Laundry was all done, folded and put away. I still wanted it. So I had one drink. Then I had another. I thought about another but decided that a beer would be 'better' I poured myself a beer and happened to look at the time. It was almost 1am, the whole house was asleep. Hell just about everyone, everywhere was asleep. It was the middle of the night and I was drinking. I threw the beer down the drain and went to bed. This morning I threw out the rest of the vodka along with the open bottles of tequila, rum and bourbon. H is a beer drinker but he keeps those bottles for company. Those bottles, the vodka in particular, have been my downfall in the past. They have to go. H isn't going to be happy when he realizes that I threw them out. Oh well. This is my house too and I do not want them around.

Back to day one. What a drag.

The realization

I posted this on a msg board a few months ago. I thought it would be a good idea to post it here too. It's what was going on in my life that made me think alcohol was taking over my life.

I recently realized that I need to stop drinking. My drinking has gotten very compulsive, very rapidly. I was a SAHM for the past 2 years. While being a SAHM I focused on my kids and paid little to no attention to H. I denied the reality of my situation and just focused on getting through the day. I got a job in May and have been trying to hold everything at home together and ignore the fact that I have no marriage. I rush home, make dinner, check homework, get the kids ready for bed then spend the rest of my evenings alone, I also sleep alone. It is my belief that H is an alcoholic, he comes home after drinking all day at work (which he denies) and passes out on the couch. There is no relationship what-so-ever between us. 

After a few weeks of this insanity I started drinking when I got home to “relax” (aka try to keep the denial about my life/marriage going) I’ve always been a binge drinker but have never felt the type of compulsion to drink that I began feeling a few weeks ago. In the span of about 5 months I went from the occasional bender when out on Friday or Saturday night to drinking a pint of vodka every single night and wine/beer or whatever else was available to get me going the next morning. One day h confronted me about my drinking (pot calling the kettle black). Naturally I denied that I was drinking too much. I set out to “show him” that I could stop at a glass or two of wine every night. 

That’s when things went downhill even further. I began stopping at the store after work. I would buy ½ pint of vodka and a 16oz bottle of coke zero. I would empty out half of the soda and pour in the ½ pint of vodka. 

Did anyone else know it fits perfectly? Not a drop wasted!!

Since I had S with me I didn’t want to drink and drive so I would park a few blocks away from my house, discard the evidence (vodka bottle) and chug the entire thing within 10 minutes and drive home. Naturally after having that much to drink in that short period of time I didn’t even want the glass or two of wine a night. Until I did.

One day during my “routine” I happened to glance back at S as I was pouring the vodka into my soda. Her face was expressionless, she was just watching me. She’s 2 so she obviously had no idea what I was doing or why I did it every day. The shame and guilt flooded me instantly. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I SWORE I would never be one myself. Naturally, I still drank my concoction but for the next few days was able to ride the shame and guilt and stop myself from doing it again. 

Then they day came when h picked up S from daycare. Well it was game on, right? 

That’s when it sunk in fully that I have a BIG, BIG problem. I’m an alcoholic. I still drank but tried to prove to myself that I could drink like a ‘normal person’ on weekends and such. No more drinking during the week. It didn’t work. I had seen the TRUTH and there was no way for me to ever “unsee” it. Although I know the day may come where I forget it. 

So I quit. I’m on day 5 of my recovery. I’ve gone to 2 AA meetings and plan on going to one tonight, tomorrow and another on Sunday. This is my first “sober” weekend and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll drink, scared what will happen if I don’t drink and have to sit with my feelings about h and my marriage. My home and h are my triggers. I can’t hide from it any longer. I have to recover so I can finally deal with this marriage and move on to build a better life for me and S. That will never happen if I continue drinking.

The pull

I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.

So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.

Revenge of the OBSESSION.

I was doing pretty good today. I'm not sure what happened but I know where the urge to drink is comig from. I suppose that's a start. I picked up my kids after my class and came home to a messy house, my monthly is 3 days late and I'm very irritable. Every single thing makes me want to jump out of my skin. The dog barking, my kids requesting a snack or something to drink. My daughter asking me to put on Incredibles for the millionth time. My son excitedly wanting to discuss our upcoming weekend trip to Disneyland. The tv is too loud, the light too bright. I went to my room to decompress and the kids followed me. They wanted to snuggle with me on my bed. It's cold out so we are all in lounge wear. Perfect for snuggling but yet I want to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE. I won't though. It's not their fault. They are just kids and on most days I welcome the requests for a snack, or the invitation to watch Incredibles for the millionth time and love snuggling with them but not today. Not right now. A drink would take all of those irritable, unkind feelings away. It'll make this moment in my life bearable. One drink won't hurt, right? I can always quit again tomorrow, right?

Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.

I'm lovable

I read various addiction, co-dependent, meditational (is that a word?) and inspirational literature on a daily basis. Being Catholic I also try to remember to pray daily, both alone and with my children. When I'm feeling especially in need of a prayer I'll pray the rosary. For the most part the literature, praying, etc doesn't seem to leave much of a mark on me. Almost as soon as I've finished I'm off doing or thinking about something else. I've tried to be still, quiet and mindful but life and family always makes an appearance. I used to struggle with it and attempt to silence the noise, both inside my head and out, eventually I decided to simply let it be. I figured even I can't be that thick. I hoped the necessary message or lesson would eventually stick in my head and I would be made aware of it.

One of the books that I read religiously is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. I absolutely adore the book. I purchased the book in October of 2008. It was during this time. It has specific readings for each day of the year. I often read the passage for the day then skim ahead and read a few more passages. I also like to read the passage for my date of birth. It's titled "Moving On" which has always felt appropriate. I read today's passage when I awoke almost 8 hours ago and the message has stuck in my  mind. The title is "You are lovable" I want to share this with all of you. I looked online and found the entire passage. Imagine that! I want to give credit where credit is due so I will link to the site.

Enjoy my friends. You are lovable.

Lent

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.

Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.

By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.

I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.

First one.

I went to my first sober funeral today. The old familiar obsession/compulsion to drink was not there. I am incredibly grateful for that. I'll admit that I thought about drinking but it was just that, a fleeting thought that passed through my mind then it was gone. Tomorrow is the actual burial service with a celebration of life luncheon after. It's going to be a booze laden event but I'm not worried. I'll be fine. I'm firm in my commitment to be sober. Drinking isn't going to make the situation less painful. In fact drinking is only going to make me feel worse. While the service this evening was difficult I'm very glad that I was able to stay sober for another day.

Mission Accomplished

I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!

Fighting the compulsion.

Plans changed so instead of going to a friends house for the big game H decided to have his friends come here. There isnt a lot of people here but there is tons of alcohol and everyone is drinking. I find myself thinking about drinking. I'm not going to do it though. I may not have much sobriety behind me yet but sober is what's I want to be so drinking is not an option. The plan is to head to the mall with s. I have a few gifts from Christmas that I still need to exchange. I also have a coupon for a buy one get on free pretzel from the mall food court. I'll snack on my pretzel while S plays in the kiddies section at the mall. By the time we get back home the thought of drinking will be a distant memory.

Drive down memory lane.

I enjoyed myself at both parties today and I didn't drink. It wasn't hard at all to refuse alcohol when offered. I'm not sure what prompted the change but I'm grateful for the reprieve from obsession/compulsion to drink.

The parties were in the same area, roughly about 90 miles away from where we live. I refuse to drive if I've been drinking but I'm ashamed to admit that I have no problem with getting in the car with him if he's been drinking. Earlier in the week H had suggested we rent a room. He figured we would both be drinking and knew the burden of driving would be on him. Since I knew I wouldn't be drinking I offered to be the designated driver. About 5 miles away from home the freeway was closed unexpectedly for repairs. Everyone was forced to exit the freeway and follow the detour route by street. As I drove along I realized that I was going the same route I would take when I was drinking daily. My routine was to stop on my way home from work to buy vodka and then finish it off before I reached my freeway exit. Since this was a daily routine I did not want to stop at the same liquor store every day. I was worried the clerk might think I was an alcoholic! For some reason I find that to be funny now, especially since I AM an alcoholic. Anyway, I soon figured out every liquor store on my route home and would alternate the stores I stopped at. It's also worth noting that although I refused to drive AFTER drinking I saw nothing wrong with drinking while I was driving. I would wait until I had about 2 miles to go and would down the equivalent of about 4-5 drinks. I'm a binge drinker, obviously. I told myself that it didn't count as driving while intoxicated since the alcohol would begin to affect me as my drive home ended.

As I drove home tonight and remembered the various lengths I had gone to just for a drink it saddened me. The compulsion/obsession to drink followed by the despair and self loathing was terrible to remember. It was horrific when I lived it day after day. There is also a part of me tonight that is very grateful that I am no longer in that place. Those days are gone and I'm going to do everything in my power not to have to go there again. I want to recover. I will recover.

I chose recovery.

Today was rough. I struggled with my sobriety for most of the evening. Almost all of the triggers I felt were due to H. Now, I know that I cant always blame him for everything but in this instance it really does come down to him and his attitude towards me.
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.

On the bright side I didn't drink today!

Feeling good.

Thursdays have notoriously been my rough days. It's the day H always goes out with the guys and leaves me alone with the kids. I have tons of resentment about it. I dealt with that resentment by ordering in and drinking the night away. Today was different. Although the thought of alcohol entered my mind I didn't feel the obsessive compulsion that I have felt on previous Thursday's. I was able to ignore it. In the absence of the compulsion to drink I noticed I felt on edge and irritated. I didn't want to drink but I wanted to do something. I felt like I was climbing the walls. All of these possibilities came to mind. I thought about going shopping, taking the kids to get ice cream, anything just to get out. The problem was I didn't really want to do any of those things, nor did I really have the money to do them. I decided to start dinner and was looking out the window while I thought about what to make with the chicken I had defrosted. I noticed the neighbors tree is hanging over into our yard and heavy with ripe oranges. I decided to make citrus/orange marinated chicken and orange pound cake for dessert. I LOVE to cook and instantly felt better. I gathered some oranges after I set the chicken to marinate S and I sat outside and ate oranges. They were so sweet and juicy. It was such a simple joy to sit with my baby girl and eat oranges. The marinated chicken and orange pound cake we had later weren't too bad either! I'm so glad I was able to stay sober today. It feels great.

I need to get out of my own head.

Today has been fairly uneventful. I thought about drinking once or twice this evening but I ignored it. So far the obsession/compulsion hasn't reared it's ugly head. That's a relief. I've also been thinking about this weekend. The past few times I tried to stop drinking I felt myself dreading the weekend, especially if it was a weekend where I knew our plans included places where alcohol would be prominent. This weekend we have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. As with pretty much every party I go to, there is always plenty of alcohol. Sunday, obviously is Super Bowl and we are invited to another booze laden affair. This time around I'm not the least bit concerned. I feel confident that not drinking will not be an issue for me. Although the confidence I'm feeling about being able to not drink is a bit concerning. Wow, talk about a catch 22. I'm probably just over analyzing the whole thing. I'll be fine.

Back from Vacation

First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.

Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.

Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.

Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.

Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.

We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.

Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.

Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.

Tired of the lies

I posted a while back about slipping. I ended up taking swings of vodka from a bottle H keeps in the garage. The bottle was half full but once I was done with it there was maybe a shot or two left. The next day I was ashamed and upset about the amount I had drank. I made a mental note to replace the alcohol. I did not want H to know I had drank his vodka. The reason I say HIS vodka is because H is possessive to the point of stingy with everything. Money, food, alcohol, toiletries, you name it. It bugs him when I use HIS lotion. It took me ages to realize that he places his toiletries a certain way on his side of the bathroom sink so he can tell if I used something of his. It's ridiculous but most things are when it comes to H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.