First one.

I went to my first sober funeral today. The old familiar obsession/compulsion to drink was not there. I am incredibly grateful for that. I'll admit that I thought about drinking but it was just that, a fleeting thought that passed through my mind then it was gone. Tomorrow is the actual burial service with a celebration of life luncheon after. It's going to be a booze laden event but I'm not worried. I'll be fine. I'm firm in my commitment to be sober. Drinking isn't going to make the situation less painful. In fact drinking is only going to make me feel worse. While the service this evening was difficult I'm very glad that I was able to stay sober for another day.

Mission Accomplished

I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!

Drive down memory lane.

I enjoyed myself at both parties today and I didn't drink. It wasn't hard at all to refuse alcohol when offered. I'm not sure what prompted the change but I'm grateful for the reprieve from obsession/compulsion to drink.

The parties were in the same area, roughly about 90 miles away from where we live. I refuse to drive if I've been drinking but I'm ashamed to admit that I have no problem with getting in the car with him if he's been drinking. Earlier in the week H had suggested we rent a room. He figured we would both be drinking and knew the burden of driving would be on him. Since I knew I wouldn't be drinking I offered to be the designated driver. About 5 miles away from home the freeway was closed unexpectedly for repairs. Everyone was forced to exit the freeway and follow the detour route by street. As I drove along I realized that I was going the same route I would take when I was drinking daily. My routine was to stop on my way home from work to buy vodka and then finish it off before I reached my freeway exit. Since this was a daily routine I did not want to stop at the same liquor store every day. I was worried the clerk might think I was an alcoholic! For some reason I find that to be funny now, especially since I AM an alcoholic. Anyway, I soon figured out every liquor store on my route home and would alternate the stores I stopped at. It's also worth noting that although I refused to drive AFTER drinking I saw nothing wrong with drinking while I was driving. I would wait until I had about 2 miles to go and would down the equivalent of about 4-5 drinks. I'm a binge drinker, obviously. I told myself that it didn't count as driving while intoxicated since the alcohol would begin to affect me as my drive home ended.

As I drove home tonight and remembered the various lengths I had gone to just for a drink it saddened me. The compulsion/obsession to drink followed by the despair and self loathing was terrible to remember. It was horrific when I lived it day after day. There is also a part of me tonight that is very grateful that I am no longer in that place. Those days are gone and I'm going to do everything in my power not to have to go there again. I want to recover. I will recover.

I chose recovery.

Today was rough. I struggled with my sobriety for most of the evening. Almost all of the triggers I felt were due to H. Now, I know that I cant always blame him for everything but in this instance it really does come down to him and his attitude towards me.
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.

On the bright side I didn't drink today!

Restaurants

I had a nice time last night. I usually go to my home meeting but H offered to take the kids and I to dinner. I love going out to dinner since that means that I don’t have to cook so I jumped at the offer. I was looking forward to an evening out. That lasted about a minute. Then I remembered that I don’t drink anymore. My anxiety kicked in. Thoughts of how it used to be raced through my mind, a drink or two before leaving for the restaurant then another 3 drinks while there. I had it timed perfectly. As everyone ordered their drinks I would order my glass of wine or cosmo. I would order a second drink either when the wait person would bring us our food or come over tell us it would be coming out shortly. I would order a third drink at the point where most wait staff would ask if the food was ok or if there was anything else we needed. It was all a carefully timed act as far as I was concerned. Now the thought of going to dinner sober and staying that way throughout the meal was making me crazy. I thought of various scenarios of how I could slip in a drink. I thought about having just one drink before the restaurant but order nothing there, or not have any before the restaurant and a glass while there.  I thought about throwing this whole sobriety crap out the window. I don’t have a problem. I can drink like everyone else. But wait. I do have a problem and sure I could drink like everyone else as long as everyone we are referring to are alcoholics.

I took a few deep breaths and decided to stay in the moment and take it hour by hour. I still had my commute home ahead of me. No point thinking about drinking when there was nothing I could do about it in that moment. I was stuck in traffic for pete’s sake. Then I had to pick up my son from school and help him finish his homework before we left for dinner. Then I had to give S a snack so she wasn’t too hungry at the restaurant. Once that was done I had to wash her up, change her clothes and comb her hair. Next I had to freshen myself up. I told myself I had too much to do. I didn’t have time to drink. It worked! Before I knew it H picked us up and we were off to the restaurant.

We went to the local steak/rib restaurant. There was one fleeting moment as the waitress took our drink order that I considered ordering a drink. I ignored the impulse and ordered a diet coke. When the time came to order our meal I didn’t even entertain the notion of a drink. I ordered the beef ribs with a baked potato and corn on the side. Everything was delicious. When we got home I put S to bed then took a shower and settled into bed to read for a bit. It felt good to end the evening clear headed and knowing that I stood sober, even when I thought I couldn’t. The best part is I went to sleep and had another drinking dream but for the first time ever I refused the drink! I know it’s just a dream but I woke up refreshed and feeling proud of myself. I can do this.  

I can do this.

I did it! I made it through last night without one drop of alcohol. At one point I was really obsessing about the drink but I busied myself with making dinner for the kids. Once dinner was served and we had all eaten the obsessive feelings subsided. By the time I gave S a bath and put her to bed I was actually glad that I was able to overcome the impulse and not drink. It felt good to pour myself a nice tall glass of ice water, get into bed and read for a while before going to sleep. I woke up feeling a bit tired. I probably shouldn’t have stood up as late reading. However the tired feeling passed once I was in the shower. We left the house at 6:20am, I dropped off S and was sitting her at my desk right at 7:30.

I’m planning on going to a women’s meeting tonight at 6:30pm. My nephew is being baptized tomorrow and it’s also his 1^st B-day party. The party is being held at the park after his baptism and although there is no alcohol allowed at the park my family will ignore the law and have plenty of beer and spirits. Camouflaged in red cups, of course. In my drinking days I would have a Starbucks cup, the kind they serve iced tea in, filled with a cape cod. If you were to see it you would simply assume I was drinking a passion fruit iced tea from Starbucks.  Few years ago before I graduated to stronger drinks I would get a coke slurpee from 7-11 and throw in some Bacardi. WOW, now that's something. I consider Bacardi and coke a LESS STRONG drink that a cape cod which in reality is the same thing. The only difference is in the preparation. Less Bacardi, more slurpee and later my drink of choice was more vodka less cranberry juice. Although towards the end I would simply mix the vodka with Raspberry flavored Crystal Light.

I’m mentally preparing myself for a rough weekend. I haven’t told anyone aside from my H, my mom and an aunt who has been sober for almost 30 years that I’ve quit drinking. I’m going to take it hour by hour, minute by minute if I have to this weekend. I know I never have to take another drink again. I don’t want to drink.. I can do this.   

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Last night at our women’s meeting the topic was “What has AA given to you” or if you are new, like me, then the question was “What do you hope to gain from AA”  You know, I had never really given that much thought. I knew going into this that I wanted to stop drinking. I knew AA was the way to do that, although I wasn’t sure how but I have faith that it will happen as long as I don’t take that first drink and keep going to meetings. Most of the women shared what they had gained from AA, and most of the women gained stuff that I haven’t lost due to drinking. Yet. The stuff they gained ranged from a relationship with their kids, many had teens and young adult children who had witnessed their alcohol addiction and were hurt and angry about it to being grateful that they were off the streets and no longer needing 60-70 beers a day. One other newcomer shared that although her 2 older children had been taken away she came to the meeting from a court hearing where her 4 month old daughter was going to be put back in her care. All of these stories were heartbreaking to hear. As it always is when I hear some of these women share. Although they’ve achieved sobriety and are living richer, more fulfilling lives the lingering pain and sadness over their past choices and mistakes is evident in their voices. Most of what they describe is so foreign to me but yet it’s easy for me to imagine myself going down that same road eventually if I hadn’t decided to quit drinking. I think I’m learning the meaning of “take what you need and leave the rest”

So tonight is H weekly evening “out with the guys” which also happens to be one of my toughest nights to retain my sobriety. Last time I tried I fell off the wagon. I’ve been sober since but I’m worried tonight might be a repeat of last time. I still have the same old resentment towards H about leaving me home with the kids while he’s off having a great time. I’m going to try with all my might not to let it get the best of me. I don’t have to drink, I know that. As long as I don’t take that first drink I will be ok. I’m going to take it hour by hour this evening, minute by minute if I have to. I have a women’s call list and plan on using it if the temptation becomes too great. Wish me luck.

Back to Day 1

Day 1. I've reset the counter and I'm going to stay sober. No drinking.

Bien Tomada?

I'm not sure where to start so I might as well start with the name of my blog.

Bien Tomada is a term my grandmother would use when referring to someone who had too much to drink, was drunk, intoxicated, etc. I always thought it had a nice ring to it. It seemed to accurately describe the situation without insulting the person. Naturally when trying to decide on a name for my blog to chronicle my recover from alcoholism that term popped into my head.

I'm still very early in my sobriety. I haven't made it to 30 days yet and this is my first time attempting to get sober.  I'm on day 11 and I really want to quit but I'm not sure if I'm there quite yet. I crave alcohol daily, which is to be expected but I fantasize daily about one day being able to drink like normal people. I also promise myself on a daily basis that I can drink on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. But then that's it! January 2012 is my drop dead date. No more alcohol EVER.