Boundaries

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow bright and early @8am. I can’t wait. I literally have a list of items that I need help sorting through. My main problem, aside from the alcohol is co-dependence. I’m sure it’s probably been very obvious to you, my dear reader, but it’s been a bit of an eye opening revelation. 

Once we worked through that the therapist wanted to know what my goal of therapy was going to be from that point forward. After much discussion and self reflection on my part I decided my goal would be to find appropriate boundaries to apply to my current situation. I let H take up entirely too much space in my head. Since moving out is not an option due to financial reasons I need to determine what I need to feel safe emotionally and to enable me to model safe boundaries/self care to my daughter.

The first boundary that popped into my mind was our sleeping arrangement. H has camped out on the couch for over 1 year. Initially I was hurt by it, questioned him incessantly about it, did stuff/wore stuff to try and ‘entice’ him back into our bed. Nothing worked. Eventually I gave up and finally I accepted it. I never, however liked it. I got to the point where I did not want him in my bed but I still did not want to be alone. I’m too young and have too much life left inside of me to be in a celibate, loveless marriage. The last couple of months I’ve toyed with the idea of asking H to move out. I hate feeling like I’m living a lie or pretending to be something or have something (a marriage) that I don’t have. Plus, I have to admit. I really started to enjoy sleeping alone and having the bedroom to myself. Prior to meeting H I lived alone for about 8 years. I had roommates I college and it always turned into a disaster so after college there was no question in my mind. I would live alone. I loved it and missed it desperately after getting married. So much so that shortly after getting married and moving in with H I redecorated the guest bedroom into a “ladies lounge” I had the whole shabby chic, beach theme going on. I put in a bed, loveseat and entire entertainment center. I LOVED it in there. I moved in there permanently when H and I decided to divorce. I moved back out when I found out I was pregnant. I sold everything and redecorated it into a nursery for S.

I know I usually go on and on but let me try to make a very long story short by saying that I decided the first boundary I would establish would be that H move out of our bedroom. S no longer sleeps in her crib. One night she simply refused and that was the end of that. Instead she sleeps on a futon in her room. The futon was intended for my sister and her family when they visit us. S’ crib converts into a toddler bed and eventually a full size bed. I had asked H repeatedly to convert her crib into a toddler bed. He ‘never got around to it” Fine. I decided that H would move into S’ room and I would buy her a toddler bed and put it in my room. It would be tight but if I moved H’s nightstand out there would be more than enough room for me to make a spot for S. I would also request that H take his chest of drawers out and put in S’ chest of drawers but if he didn’t do it immediately that would be ok too. I could live with it. I was committed to doing what I need to do to get by with my boundary firmly in place. I had been stuck in a pattern of letting H redirect any conversation I initiated into an attack against me and my worth. H would purposely do this so I would end up feeling hurt and attempting to defend myself while letting the original issue and him off the hook. My therapist helped me to see this pattern and identify it for what it was. H is manipulating me and refusing to own up to his actions.

I’m going to go on a tangent here but I have to say that in my sessions I spoke of what has gone on in my marriage and how I felt about it. It completely blew me away when the therapist suggested the statements H make towards me are hurtful, the circumstances that I’ve tried so hard to persevere through are emotional and mental torture, the fact that I have needs too and deserve to have them met by my husband is not asking for too much and does not make me a bad wife or mother. Mind you, my therapist is very skilled. She never, ever said a bad or negative word about H.  She listened to my tales of woe and responded with empathy and compassion. Lot’s of, “that must have felt awful, that must have really hurt, that sounds insensitive, of course you’d be hurt, etc.” All very cliché, I know but they struck such a cord within me. I felt validated. Something that I have never felt in this marriage. She made it ok to feel as bad as I feel. I’m not sure if that makes any sense but that’s the only way I can describe it.

Ok, back to my story. I mentally and emotionally prepared myself; I rehearsed what I was going to say. I reminded myself to stick to the topic, not let H railroad me onto another subject. I was going to ignore the attempts to put me on the defensive. Pay no mind to the inevitable insults. I approached H and asked him if he had a moment for me. He said he did and I laid it out: Move out of our bedroom. He had made his wishes/desires towards me clear by sleeping on the couch for the past year. He set a physical boundary between us. I need to set an emotional boundary. I want my bedroom to be my private space for my daughter and I. He has slept on the couch for the past year but he still came in every morning to shower and get ready for work. I want that to stop. I need my room to be my sanctuary away from him and this so-called marriage. I’m done pretending. We live like roommates so we will be just that. Roommates. Naturally he said, “I’ll think about it” in a dismissive tone as he walked away. That stung but I concentrated on breathing through the moment and approached him to initiate the conversation again. Once he realized I would not be put off he reluctantly agreed. This happened Friday evening. We spent our evening as usual. He was in the living room watching TV. I went between the kitchen, outside to blow bubbles with S, laundry room, kids room and my room. H fell asleep on the couch and I went to bed alone.

I woke up about 5am to H snuggling up to me. He scared the heck out of me. I jumped so high I almost hit the ceiling. He was trying to put the moves on me. It kept my head about myself and asked him to refrain from touching me in that way. Too much has happened between us and it’s been too long remember this? He acted all hurt and offended but I paid him no mind. Saturday morning I began putting S bed together. Saturday night he came to bed but kept his hands to himself. Sunday he slept on the couch. Monday he sent me a text, “by the way I’m moving back into our room” I responded that I was not comfortable with that. There was too much distance between us. I didn’t want him in my bed. He text back that he also felt that there was distance and wanted to ‘fix it’ by sleeping in our bed again. I asked him point blank why he left in the first place. Unless he could be honest with himself and me nothing would change. He didn’t respond but slept on the couch. For the past 2 days he’s been very attentive, calling and texting throughout the day. Telling me not to cook dinner so he could pick up my favorite take out and he’s been sleeping in my bed. I hate it. I feel so uncomfortable with him in my bed. It truly feels like sleeping with a stranger. I can’t relax. I doubt he’s going to try anything but I feel as though I’m on guard. I don’t want him touching me. It’s sad but true. I’ve thought of asking him to go back to the couch but I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected by me. As crazy as it sounds I’m worried about causing irreparable damage to our marriage. As if anything could ever repair the damage he’s caused….Told you I was co-dependent!

Bottom line. I do not know what to do. Even after everything that’s happened between us the boundaries of where he ends and I begin are blurred. I plan to discuss this issue with my therapist and work towards a resolution tomorrow. Another goal, suggested by my therapist is to make a connection between my heart and my head. My head knows what is going on and what I need to do but my heart only knows what it feels. That leaves me feeling unhappy, unloved and stuck. That needs to change.

 

Death by 1,000 papercuts.

I'm having difficulty concentrating. I have so much that I want to write about but it's a struggle. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place.

Let me back up a bit and share about a discussion H ad I had a few weeks ago. While on vacation in January I noticed that the boy seemed very preoccupied with H and I. When we arrived in our stateroom he was very interested in the sleeping arrangements. Specifically if H was going to sleep in the same bed with me. He asked me and I answered honestly that I did not know. He asked H and H ignored him. After the boy repeatedly asked him H in turn told him that he he didn't know before eventually saying that yes he was going to sleep in the same bed as me. It turned out to be a lie. Our room had a double bed and bunk beds. That evening H settled into the bottom bunk and went to sleep. During the week I also noticed that the boy seemed to be on alert for any sign of discord between H and I. It was if he was gauging our feelings and temperaments as a way of determining how he felt and if he was ok.  That realization saddened and angered me. Our son shouldn't have to deal with this type of crap. He's just a kid. He's been dreaming about this vacation as long as he can remember. Finally it's here and he can't properly enjoy it. He's caught up in the dysfunction of H and I. A few weeks after we returned I spoke at length to H about what I saw and how I felt about it. I made it very clear that we need to do something. I will not allow this dysfunction to continue. We are potentially damaging our kids on a very fundamental level. The last thing I want is for my kids to grown up and be stuck in unhappy, unfulfilled relationships because that's all they know. I told H that it was time for action. Either we return to therapy and work on rebuilding our marriage or we decide to part amicably and with the best intentions of our kids as the priority. Although it breaks my heart to have to separate my kids I'd much rather have them grow up separate than together in dysfunction. If we can't model a healthy family I'd like to be able to model a healthy separation. In addition I told H that he either move back into our bed or officially move out into the guest room. It's not fair to me or our children to sleep on the couch every night but yet refuse to acknowledge it or take responsibility for his actions. H predictable said that he would, think about it and get back to me. I suggested a time frame of 2 weeks before we'd discuss the matter further. Two weeks passed and when questioned H said that he hadn't had time to think about it. That angered me. It's obvious that he does not care about anyone but himself. He has no desire to do anything to make our situation better or to try and model healthy behavior for his children. We exchanged some tense words but that was pretty much the end of it. Over the subsequent days my anger turned into deep sadness. I think I finally get it. The veil of denial lifted and I can clearly see that this man does not care about me or his kids. There is nothing that I can say or do that will make him care about the well being of his children, care about our marriage or to change his mind. We are nothing to him. That realization hurt. It cut me to my core. I felt raw and incredibly stupid. I'm ashamed that I have allowed someone to treat me so poorly for so long. He's criticized, belittled, mocked, taken advantage of and insulted me for years. He's emotionally and mentally abusive. He's physically withholding. But yet I'm still here and talking about working things out. WORKING THINGS OUT!?? What a joke. I'm a fool. The pain and humiliation became unbearable. I was barely functioning. I didn't shower or change for days. What was the point? The one person who should care about me wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I started to feel suicidal. That's when I called the crisis hotline and made an appointment.

My appointment went well. We worked on the suicide issue first and foremost. She wanted to make sure my kids and I were safe. That I wouldn't act on the impulse. So far they've just been thoughts of suicide. She asked if I had a plan. I did. H has a gun in the house and I know where it is. I could have used it at any point but I didn't. My kids are my priority. No matter how much I want this pain to end I could never leave them. She asked for permission to call H. She wanted to ask him get the gun out of the house. She didn't feel comfortable letting me go home knowing there was a gun in the house. I understood and appreciated her concern. It took 2 days of reminding H to put the gun away before he actually did it. That really, really bothered me, I was dying to confront him about it. Part of me wanted to yell at him and rage. the other part of me didn't see the point. I knew no matter what I said, or how many times I said it he wouldn't "hear" me. He chooses not to.



It's been a very rough road emotionally these past few weeks. I've been seeing my therapist 2x a week and am starting to feel a bit more stable emotionally. I'm off to another appointment, I'll try posting more later.

Therapy

I've been having a very rough time in my marriage this past week. A few very painful issues have been brought to my attention. The pain I'm in is acute. I can't sleep and even breathing is difficult. I have a huge weight on my chest that will not go away. It physically feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. My post about PPD was prompted by the fact that I had that same overwhelming urge to just walk out the door and never come back. My situation feels so hopeless and I'm beginning to see just how destructive this marriage has been to me. It's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally. I want to leave but aside from the fact that I have no place to go, I must remember that wherever I go there I am. I can't run from my marriage or my problems anymore.

I got in touch with a local mental health crisis center and talked about what I've been going through. The compassion I got from the counselor I spoke to completely did me in. I was driving as I spoke to her, I have blue tooth so it's hands free, I was crying so hard I had to pull over. I was referred to a therapist. My first appt. is on Monday. I've felt some measure of relief since making the appointment, although I must admit that writing out this blog has triggered my anxiety and my chest feels very heavy right now.

I have a few breathing exercises that have helped some when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've also been trying to stay in the moment and not obsess about the future. I'm trying to be gentle and patient with myself.

On another, brighter note the kids and I are going back to Disneylnd tomorrow. This time we are celebrating my son's 12th birthday. We got a park hopper ticket so we'll be venturing over to CA Adventre as well. I'm looking forward to it. They have a couple of new attractions the kids and I want to check out.

Last installment to My Story

 I realized that I have been avoiding writing the next part of my story. It’s a very painful part of my life and it hurts me to think about. I’m going to try and write it out now.

I suffered from sever post-partum depression following the birth of my daughter. I was unable to care for my daughter. I couldn’t even be I her presence without having a massive anxiety attack. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. All I did was cry. All I wanted to do was leave. Get as far away from this house, my husband and my kids as I possibly could. I had no idea where I would go but I was deep in despair and desperate for relief. I can honestly say the thought of walking out the front door and never coming back appealed to me. I was literally crawling out of my skin with sadness and anxiety. I considered living under a freeway overpass down the street from my home. I drove by it and imagined what I would do to ‘fix it up’ I even considered suicide an option. Although I was very ill, I was very fortunate to have the insight to recognize what was going on with me. I KNEW I was sick. I contacted a dear friend who literally saved my life and my daughters life. She made my dr’s appt to be evaluated for PPD and drove me there. She spent the next 6 months taking care of me and my daughter. She is married and has a family of her own but her husband and mother’s shouldered the responsibilities so she could drive 45 minutes to my house ever single day and spend her day caring for my daughter and me. It took about 2 months for the dr to get the proper medication and doses right to deal with the anxiety and another 4 months for the depression to begin to lift.

My original plan had been to return to work following 8 weeks of maternity leave. My goal was to save money and move out by S’s first birthday. Needless to say that was out of the question. I was placed on Extended Disability due to PPD. It took 9 months for me to begin functioning normally and be released from disability. By then I had lost my job security. Under CA Law my employer is not obligated to hold my job longer than the 8 weeks originally allotted to me for maternity leave. When I notified my employer of my release and intention to return to work they laid me off. That was in April 2010. I have been searching for a job ever since. I was able to get 2 temporary assignments last year. They each lasted approx. 3 months. The last one ended on Nov. 30, 2011

During my periods of unemployment I have actively searched for a job and collected unemployment insurance. Currently I am taking a computer class to become certified in 2 very well known and useful applications. I’m about half way through the course. I’m hoping once I’m certified I’ll be able to finally find a full time permanent position.

That pretty much brings us up to date on my story. Although I didn’t like having to think about it and write it out it wasn’t as painful as I had feared. Funny how that’s usually the case.

Something to look forward to!

I had a fairly decent day. Although I'm disappointed that I drank last night I didn't overdo it. I woke up fine, no trace of a hangover. I made sure to eat well and drink lots of water to flush my systems. Its not much but I felt better knowing that I was doing what I could to rid my body of alcohol and continue on my journey to sobriety.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I think I've mentioned that the kids and I adore Disneyland and everything Disney. We are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow at Disneyland. We're big on finding Hidden Mickey's and have had an ongoing friendly competition to see who can spot the most HM. The winner gets bragging rights and a churro. Here is some info on Hidden Mickey Last time my niece won. She was 6 at the time and was able to locate almost every HM we searched for. We have a guidebook that we refer to when unable to locate one. At one point I stood less than a foot in front of a HM and was unable to decipher it. I simply could not see it. My niece took one look and quickly pointed it out to me. She had to outline it with her hand. That happened more than once I have to admit.I think it was a matter of trying too hard to SEE the HM. If that makes any sense. I was literally unable to see the forest for the trees! My son and nephew who were 10 at the time were put out that my niece had won the contest. They were convinced she was too young to be any real competition for them. She showed them! It should be interesting to see who wins the contest tomorrow.

We also pin trade so we've been researching the Cast Member HM Pins that we are going to keep an eye out for tomorrow. Here is a link for those who aren't familiar with pin trading. Disney Pin Trading.


It's getting late and we have a long day planned tomorrow. We plan on being at the park when it opens at 8am and will not leave until it closes at Midnight. Tomorrow will be a sober day. No question about it. Good night.

I drank.

After posting I pulled into my driveway and went into the house. I had been doing laundry before I left so I went into the garage to check on my load. That's when I remembered the open bottle of vodka H keeps in the garage. I walked right over and pulled it out. I held it in my hands and wrestled with whether or not I really wanted a drink. I did. I thought through the drink...I still wanted it. I thought about how much I want to be sober. I thought about the fact that I gave up drinking for Lent. I still wanted it. I told myself that after I finished the laundry if I still wanted it I could have ONE.

Laundry was all done, folded and put away. I still wanted it. So I had one drink. Then I had another. I thought about another but decided that a beer would be 'better' I poured myself a beer and happened to look at the time. It was almost 1am, the whole house was asleep. Hell just about everyone, everywhere was asleep. It was the middle of the night and I was drinking. I threw the beer down the drain and went to bed. This morning I threw out the rest of the vodka along with the open bottles of tequila, rum and bourbon. H is a beer drinker but he keeps those bottles for company. Those bottles, the vodka in particular, have been my downfall in the past. They have to go. H isn't going to be happy when he realizes that I threw them out. Oh well. This is my house too and I do not want them around.

Back to day one. What a drag.

The realization

I posted this on a msg board a few months ago. I thought it would be a good idea to post it here too. It's what was going on in my life that made me think alcohol was taking over my life.

I recently realized that I need to stop drinking. My drinking has gotten very compulsive, very rapidly. I was a SAHM for the past 2 years. While being a SAHM I focused on my kids and paid little to no attention to H. I denied the reality of my situation and just focused on getting through the day. I got a job in May and have been trying to hold everything at home together and ignore the fact that I have no marriage. I rush home, make dinner, check homework, get the kids ready for bed then spend the rest of my evenings alone, I also sleep alone. It is my belief that H is an alcoholic, he comes home after drinking all day at work (which he denies) and passes out on the couch. There is no relationship what-so-ever between us. 

After a few weeks of this insanity I started drinking when I got home to “relax” (aka try to keep the denial about my life/marriage going) I’ve always been a binge drinker but have never felt the type of compulsion to drink that I began feeling a few weeks ago. In the span of about 5 months I went from the occasional bender when out on Friday or Saturday night to drinking a pint of vodka every single night and wine/beer or whatever else was available to get me going the next morning. One day h confronted me about my drinking (pot calling the kettle black). Naturally I denied that I was drinking too much. I set out to “show him” that I could stop at a glass or two of wine every night. 

That’s when things went downhill even further. I began stopping at the store after work. I would buy ½ pint of vodka and a 16oz bottle of coke zero. I would empty out half of the soda and pour in the ½ pint of vodka. 

Did anyone else know it fits perfectly? Not a drop wasted!!

Since I had S with me I didn’t want to drink and drive so I would park a few blocks away from my house, discard the evidence (vodka bottle) and chug the entire thing within 10 minutes and drive home. Naturally after having that much to drink in that short period of time I didn’t even want the glass or two of wine a night. Until I did.

One day during my “routine” I happened to glance back at S as I was pouring the vodka into my soda. Her face was expressionless, she was just watching me. She’s 2 so she obviously had no idea what I was doing or why I did it every day. The shame and guilt flooded me instantly. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I SWORE I would never be one myself. Naturally, I still drank my concoction but for the next few days was able to ride the shame and guilt and stop myself from doing it again. 

Then they day came when h picked up S from daycare. Well it was game on, right? 

That’s when it sunk in fully that I have a BIG, BIG problem. I’m an alcoholic. I still drank but tried to prove to myself that I could drink like a ‘normal person’ on weekends and such. No more drinking during the week. It didn’t work. I had seen the TRUTH and there was no way for me to ever “unsee” it. Although I know the day may come where I forget it. 

So I quit. I’m on day 5 of my recovery. I’ve gone to 2 AA meetings and plan on going to one tonight, tomorrow and another on Sunday. This is my first “sober” weekend and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll drink, scared what will happen if I don’t drink and have to sit with my feelings about h and my marriage. My home and h are my triggers. I can’t hide from it any longer. I have to recover so I can finally deal with this marriage and move on to build a better life for me and S. That will never happen if I continue drinking.

The pull

I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.

So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.