Still mad

Out of everything that H has put me through these past 5 years do you want to know what it the one thing that makes me the angriest of all? That the decision to separate was mine. HE is the one who doesn’t want to be married. When we got married I took my marriage vows seriously. My intent was to be with him until ‘death do us part’ but yet here we are and I’m the one who wants out. I hate that he has chipped away for years at my self-esteem, my sense of worth and my love for him. It’s all gone. All of it. I hate that he wasn’t man enough to be honest about the kind of person he really is. I hate that he hid his true self from me. He deceived me so I would marry him. Then once we were married he counted on the fact that I am a good woman and would honor my marriage vows. Well not anymore. I have cut all ties to him emotionally and spiritually. On our wedding anniversary a few weeks back I symbolically buried our bond of marriage. I put my wedding rings in a box and buried the box in the dirt, a grave because our marriage is DEAD. As far as I am concerned I am no longer married to him.

I hate that although I want to be married I’m making the decision to start a new life single. I sometimes wish I had never met him. The only reason I don’t honestly wish that is because of S. She is the only good thing that I have from my time with him, my beautiful baby girl. Actually there have even been days when my love for her and the joy I get from having her in my life overwhelms me to the point where I think to myself, “If I had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing” She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I’m still mad though.

RAGE

I’m angry, annoyed, irritated, resentful, enraged, infuriated, furious, mad, provoked, hostile, outrage, vengeful, agitated, black mood, aggravated, frustrated, upset, pissed off. The anger washed over me like a tidal wave this morning. I can’t remember ever feeling this angry in my life. I want to scream and yell.  My hands are aching to hit something or better yet SOMEONE. I’m not a runner but I can see myself running with my feet pounding on the pavement, side hurting, sweating and gasping for breath. Running until all of the anger is gone. I have all of this anger inside of me that I have to get out.  I know some of you are probably wondering what took me so long to get angry and frankly I have no idea. I’ve gone through periods of being sad, scared, upset, relieved, glad, hopeful these past few weeks since separating from H. I thought I was doing a fairly good job of feeling the feelings. Going with the flow and not trying to control or ignore how I felt at any given moment….Maybe I am doing a good job. Maybe that’s why the rage has reared it’s head. I suppose it could be because now I’m ready to face the full extent of the anger and disappointment that I’ve suppressed for so long. I guess it really doesn’t matter why it’s here now. All that matters is that it’s here and I need to deal with it. If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to release some of this anger I would really appreciate it.

Extension

So my contract has been extended until at least the end of next week. My boss is going to reassess the workflow and give me a better idea how long they need me to stay on Tuesday. Fine by me. I’m just glad I get to continue working for another week. YAY! Now I’m on my way to pick up my baby girl. I’m making chicken tostadas for dinner tonight. I can’t wait! Since the whole separation thing I haven’t been making dinner every night like I used to. Only ‘wives’ make dinner, right? I’ve been fixing simpler things for the kids and I. I don’t want to be rude and exclude H from dinner so I’ve been fixing easier stuff like sandwiches, burgers, soup, etc so I can cook enough for the kids and I. H then has the option of peeling his behind of the couch and fixing some for himself. I’ve also been ordering a lot of take-out. I usually ask H if he wants something but he always says no. He seems to be under the impression that he’s hurting me by ‘rejecting’ my offer to buy him something to eat. HAHA! Little does he know! Anyway, tonight is his regular night out with the guys. Good riddance! Since he won’t be there I’m going to make something that takes a little more preparation and effort. Have a great night everyone!  

Trying to keep it together.

I’m feeling drained today. The kids and I had a fun weekend but it was stressful on an emotional level for me. H is trying to play some sort of mind game and it’s taking a lot of energy to simply ignore it. Last week he invited me to the basketball play-off game for Friday night. His invitation upset me on many levels. First of all we are SEPARATED. He’s made it very clear on numerous occasions that he has no interest in going anywhere with me. He’s been to quite a few sporting events the past year (as usual) and has only invited me to 1 game. That was after the time he called me stupid. Remember this post? I think it was his way of trying to smooth things over between us. Anyway he invited me to Friday’s game and I declined. I was bothered that he would invite me. He’s made it very clear on several occasions how much he hates going places with me.  Either he tells me I’m not invited or when we do go some place together he sets out to be rude, insult and humiliate me. After the last incident when he left me at the restaurant I decided to separate. I made it very clear that I have no intention of ever going anyplace with him again. I released him of any obligation to spend time with me. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. So what does he do? He decides to invite me on a date. I declined so he went on to say that he was NOT going to take no for an answer. He said I was being stubborn and acting like a stick in the mud. Great, more insults! He said he was going to continue to ask me until I agreed to go with him. I alternated between ignoring his invitation or responding with a terse No thanks. After a while he started adding ‘incentives’ he said he would get me a new iphone, a new designer purse, etc if I agreed to go with him. His offer made me very angry. How dare he think that I can be bought.  There isn’t enough money or gifts in the world to get me to go anywhere with him. I didn’t really want to get into it but I reminded him that he told me he hates going places with me and that I’m an embarrassment to him. I suggested he ask someone else instead. He looked me straight in the face and denied all of it. Every horrible, insulting thing he said to me. Denied. All. Of. It.  It’s incredible how deep his denial goes. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and refuses to accept my decision to separate. He acts as though he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m just being difficult by setting my boundaries and refusing to remain in a destructive relationship with him. At times it’s infuriating but mostly it’s just sad.

This weekend I took the kids HERE for ice cream and to check out the new pins. I try to take them once a month and H never goes with us. Naturally this time he insisted on coming with us. It was awful. He spent the entire time checking his phone and ignoring the kids and I. Having him there was worse than going without him. His energy is so negative. All he did was ruin everyone’s good time. Although to be honest S didn’t notice a thing but the boy did. I could see him watching his dad and trying to guage his mood. We usually check out the pins, have a sundae then walk around H-Wood Blvd reading the stars. Our last stop is always HERE  where we have fun matching up our hands and feet to the different imprints. This time the boy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and after our ice cream he said he didn’t feel like walking around. I’m pretty sure the boy said that for his dad’s benefit since H looked bored the entire time we were there but I let it go. Truth be told I didn’t feel like doing our usual routine either. H being there was putting a damper on the day.

Yesterday was a little bit better. I hid out in my room most of the morning. I started to go stir crazy around 11am so I decided to take the kids to DCA. I’ve been working the past few weeks so I decided to splurge on annual passes for the kids and I. (Thank goodness I bought our passes 2 weeks ago since the prices of the passes/tickets went up yesterday. I though the price I paid for the pass was expensive. Now it’s outrageous!)  We got there by noon and had a great time. Our visits used to be focused on getting on the rides and we never paid much attention to the shows. Since we now have a pass we were able to see a show and not feel like we were missing out on the rides. Speaking of my job. This might be my last week here. I’m on assignment through an agency and it’s scheduled to end 5/24 but there’s the possibility that it could be extended. I’ll know more within the next few days. I’m hoping it will be extended because I don’t want to go back to staying at home but I’m not going to worry about it.  If it doesn’t get extended I have faith that something else will come along for me.  

So Fresh and so clean!

I’m grateful to report that I’m doing ok. I continue to have my moments of sadness but nothing too overwhelming. I’ve realized that it’s not so much the sadness that gets to me it’s the anxiety that often accompanies the sadness. I think the meditations that I’ve been focusing on have really helped to ease most of the anxiety. Mother’s Day was low-key. My nephew hosted a bbq for my mom, sister and I. It was at my sister’s house and I was able to get some much needed rest. My mom and sister are very supportive of my decision to separate from H. This situation has taken a large toll on them as well. I never really gave it much thought before but I can see how difficult it has been for them to witness all of the sadness and pain H has subjected me to. They are mourning the end of my marriage as I am but they are also relieved that I have finally chosen to move on. They love me and want a better life for my daughter and I.

I returned home Sunday night and H continued to ignore me. He’s ignored me since I told him it was over. Actually, I take that back. He sent me a text Sunday morning wishing me a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ that text really bothered me. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but it did. It felt like he was just playing games. I knew for a fact he was playing games when I got home and he continued to ignore me. I used the pent-up hurt and anger to rearrange my daughter’s bedroom. I’m happy to report that I ordered a bed and new linens online. I’ve been sleeping on the futon in my daughter’s room but quite honestly it’s killing my back. I decided to invest in a comfortable bed and bright cheery linens. The bed is being delivered today. The linens should be coming by the end of the week. In the meantime I’m going to stop at a discount linen store on my way home and pick up a sheet set and comforter to tide me over. The bed I ordered is a full size bed and we only have queen sheets. It’s ok though. I like the idea of all new linens on my bed that have never been touched or tainted by H. Last night I moved in a tv that H bought 2 years ago but then decided 2 weeks later that he wanted a bigger tv. He was unable to return the original tv so it’s been sitting in the garage. It’s a brand new 52’ flat screen tv. It’s great. I especially love having my own space. Although the situation is not ideal I’m doing what I can to carve out some personal space away from H and make myself comfortable. I’m taking care of me and it feels good.
I suppose it shouldn’t be surprising that I got a text, of all things, from H today stating the he’s not ready to give up on us and that he has hope although he knows things have been kind of rough he believes we can work it out. He must be insane or stupid to think a few insincere words can erase everything that’s happened between us. Maybe he thinks I’m insane or stupid and will change my mind about the separation. What struck me the most about his text was that there was no apology, no acknowledgement of his behavior, no remorse. As usual all he can think about is what he wants. That’s all that has ever mattered to him. What’s more for him to say that things have been “rough” is the understatement of the year! It’s been torture. Rough would be a walk in the park compared to what he has put me through. My immediate response was to respond with all kinds of profanities but instead I went outside and sat across the street at the watercourt. I gathered my thoughts and simply replied that a reconciliation was not possible. This is the best decision for both of us. The sooner we accept this the sooner we wil be able to move on. Naturally he didn’t respond to my text. That’s fine. I’m comfortable with what I said and my intentions were sincere. I didn’t say the hurtful things that I wanted to say. I was honest while being kind and true to myself.

We’ll I gotta run. It’s just about time to head home. I need to pick up my daughter and then run to the linen store for some fresh clean sheets to put on my new bed. Have a great night everyone 

Happy un-anniversary to me.

I expected this day to be incredibly difficult. Today would have been our wedding anniversary. I woke up and felt a sense of sadness but it wasn't overwhelming. I thought about my wedding at various points throughout the day. I shed a few tears but they felt cleansing. Not like tears of despair. I met a friend for dinner and thought about ordering a drink but I really didn't feel like drinking. I didn't want to go home and see H so I came to my moms house. S stood with her when I went to dinner. We just finished having cookies and milk. We are in bed and about to go to sleep. Although my day wasn't as heart wrenching as I had feared I feel emotionally exhausted and very sad. That's ok though. I'm going to feel the feelings. This too shall pass.

Starting to see the light

My Reiki Healing session went good. I admit that I was expecting to be “Healed! Cured! All Better!” with one session but that’s not the way it works. It’s very demanding work emotionally. The session brought up all kinds of sadness and despair. I cried the entire time. It started out with my healer, I’ll call her Selene. We started out by having me lie down. Selene placed crystals on various parts of my body and gave me 2 to hold.   She then placed her hands very gently around the top of my head. I could feel the energy of my healer trying to heal me. It was very subtle but it was there. She then moved to my torso. At that point I could ‘see’ what she was seeing. Actually all I saw was blackness. It appeared to be a little shiny but it was jet black. After a few minutes Selene said, “You are really blocked up. It’s like an ink well in here” I was surprised that I was seeing the same thing. She then moved her hands to my breast bone and began to very gently tap. After a few seconds I had the sensation of being on the verge of crying. The sensation quickly grew and became overwhelming. It actually began to HURT. I flinched and she said, “That’s old pain coming up. Your body is releasing it. Don’t be afraid. Just let it all go. Let all the old hurt go. You are safe here.” She tapped and laid her hands on various parts of my body. She requested that I tell her when I felt pain. She didn’t want to hurt me so she would alternate between tapping, removing negative energy and trying to give me positive energy. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I could feel when she removed the energy, or when she helped my body release it and when she was trying to give me positive healing energy. I cried the entire session. I just felt so very, very sad. I’ve known for a while that I’m sad but I had no idea just how sad I really am.  Once it was over we discussed what feelings came up for me during the session and she shared what she felt. We decided that I would see her once a week and then we’d re-evaluate where I was at after 4 sessions. I left feeling calmer and very, very tired. I went home and slept like a baby. I had scheduled another session for the following week.

That weekend H started acting like his usual mean self. I don’t really fell like getting into it but let me just say that we went out with friends Saturday night. He was in a foul mood and seemed to want to pick a fight. I did my best to ignore him attitude. We were all seated at dinner and towards the end of the meal I left to use the ladies room. During that time the bill came and everyone began to figure out what they ate so they could pay their portion. Although I had sat next to H the entire meal he had no idea what I had ordered. The plates had been cleared and I had was in the restroom. As I was washing my hands two of the other ladies from our party came into the restroom. We began chatting and I ended up waiting for them. We all touched up our make-up and went back to the table. At that point the bill had been settled and we were heading out to a nightclub. H pulled me aside and began to berate me for embarrassing him. He was angry because he had no idea what I had ordered for dinner therefore had a difficult time deciding how much he owed. Ultimately he paid what he thought was enough but was livid about it. He went on to insult me, telling me that he hated going places with me, that I always embarrass him, blah, blah. I tried reasoning with him but he refused to be reasoned with. I was this horrible embarrassment to him and I ruined his entire evening. He stormed off. I naively assumed he went to the restroom or outside to cool off. Another couple who had witnessed the exchange but had backed off discretely came forward.  The look of pity in their eyes was awful to see. They didn’t mention the incident but I sensed that they were trying to provide some sense of comfort towards me. After about 10 minutes the guy excused himself to go to the restroom. He was gone a quite a few minutes. When he came back he looked uncomfortable. He asked if I knew where H had went. I must have looked very surprised because he said, “his car is gone but you can ride with us to the nightclub” I declined but they were very sweet and insistent that I continue on with the evening as planned. So I went along and managed to have a fairly nice time. Oh and I drank. Not a bunch but more than I should have. During the evening I called and text H repeatedly but he never responded. Some of the other men in the group attempted to call him as well but he never responded. The couple dropped me of later at home and H’s car was in the driveway. I went inside and he was asleep in our bed. I went and slept in our daughters room. The next morning when I woke up I started really thinking about the evening before. It really sank in that H had picked a fight with me for no reason, insulted and humiliated me in public then left me there without a second thought as to how I would get home or if I would even be ok. He had no idea that one couple would stay behind to make sure I was ok. Most everyone had already left. The couple that stood behind just happened to overhear H and decided to wait it out. All of a sudden it became perfectly clear. I’m done. It’s over. I am never going to let this man hurt, insult or manipulate me ever again. The clarity in which I saw this and the conviction that I felt surprised me. There have been many, many instances over the years where I told myself that exact same thing but it was usually fueled by anger, or a desire for revenge (I’ll show him!) or complete and utter defeat. This time was different. I don’t know how to explain it but it came from a sense of calmness inside of me. I showered in the guest room and prepared myself for what I was going to do next. I went into the living room where he was watching sports. I told him that we needed to talk. He barely glanced my way or acknowledged me. I got the remote and turned off the tv. Then I looked him in the face and said, “It’s over. As of this moment we are no longer married. Although I’m not in a position to move out of this house physically I’m moving into our daughter’s bedroom until I can move out permanently. I am no longer going to allow you to insult and humiliate me. You have done me wrong for the very last time. I am breaking the tie that binds us. I am NOT your wife and you are not my husband” I know it sounds very dramatic but at that moment I meant every word with all of my heart. I walked away feeling a huge sense of relief. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my head and my heart. That day I began moving into my daughter’s room. H never said a word while I spoke and has ignored me every day since then. After the initial euphoria wore off I began to feel sad about the ending of my marriage but I have not had one single second thought or regret about my decision to end our marriage. The sadness comes in waves and I try my best to simply feel the sadness. I don’t stuff it down, try to ignore it or tell myself that it doesn’t matter or that I don’t care. It does matter and I do care. I took my marriage vows seriously, I believed that this was the person for me and that we would be together forever. To see it fall apart hurts very deeply however my decision remains the same. I’m done. I am no longer his wife. He is not my husband. It’s over.

Chakra

Every single day my intention is to blog here but the days fly by now that I’m working. Today I’m going to take a much needed break and finally finish blogging about my first seminar with the holistic healer. You can read the first part here.

After we meditated we partnered up and worked on casting a circle.  She discussed how it’s done then she went on to discuss the various types of images we could use in order to envision a circle around us. She suggested we use fire. She guided us through the exercise. She told us to imagine how our fire would look. She talked about what she saw when envisioning her circle of fire. She saw great big purple flames. She said the fire could be anything we wanted it to be. My partner went first. Once her circle was firmly established I was supposed to reach towards her and try to ‘feel’ her circle. I put my hands out and slowly walked towards her. I tried to leave my mind open and simply feel around for it. I had no idea what it would feel like or if I would even be able to feel it but I did. It felt warm and my fingers started to tingle. I moved away from it and then tried going forward again to see if I had really felt it. Sure enough. It was there. It was amazing. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before.

Next it was my turn. I tried envisioning my circle, I imagined what my flame would look like. What I saw were little flames. They looked like pilot lights. You know that sorry little light you have on your stove’s pilot or the pilot on a water heater? My circle was ringed by those sorry little flames. No matter how hard I tried all I couldn’t seem to make the fire bigger. Once my circle was as established as it was going to get I invited my partner to feel my circle. She moved forward and when she came upon it I somehow sensed that she had found it. I could literally feel her touching it. I was in shock. I hadn’t really believed that I would be able to cast a circle, much less have anyone be able to feel it. What happened next shocked me even more. She felt around for a few seconds then gasped. She said, “OH! It’s cold. Why is it so cold?” She continued to feel around my circle and insisted that it felt cold. I tried explaining to her the size of my flames and figured that would be why it was cool to the touch. She was so perturbed at what she was feeling she called over our teacher/healer. She came over and felt on my right side by my shoulder. She agreed that my circle felt a little cool but seemed to accept my explanation of the size of my flame. She advised me to practice my circle and work on building my flame up. My partner on the other hand was not satisfied with what she was hearing. She kept insisting that my lower left side was cold. Not cool but cold. The healer stood in front of me for a few minutes (to gather herself I suppose) then reached out and felt where my partner had indicated. I could see in her face that there was definitely “something” there. She stepped back and told me to wait one second. She went over to the table where her belongings were and consulted some sort of pendulum for a few seconds. She came back and asked for permission to enter my circle. I told her to go ahead and she felt around various parts of my body. I could tell that she was considering just how much she should say to me. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully. She told me that my Chakra appears to be blocked in this area, as she motioned to my torso. She said I would be a good candidate for a one-on-one healing. I asked her specifically what was blocked and she replied that my Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra’s appeared to be completely blocked. She said she could feel quite a few blockages but would need more time to explore what was going on before giving me a definite answer but there was no doubt that my Spleen (Sacral) chakra was completely blocked. She could feel that for certain. I agreed that I would come back for a one-on-one session but didn’t think much about having a blocked Sacral Chakra. I had no idea what that meant, at the time…Since then I have researched it and all I can say is that I am not surprised. Being in the loveless/sexless/verbally abusive, emotionally and spiritually draining marriage that I am in would block the hell out of anyone’s Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra!

Next we worked on shielding ourselves. Sometimes it’s not always practical to erect an entire circle around us. In those instances we can shield ourselves. The exercise was similar to the circle exercise. We were to envision our shield. It could be anything we wanted it to be. We were just supposed to go with any imagine that came to mind. She gave examples of the different types of shields people use. My partner went first and when it was my turn to feel it I was able to clearly feel where is began and where it ended. It started just above her shoulders and ended by her waist. It wasn’t very big. It felt fairly compact. Initially I thought I was imagining where it started and stopped so you can imagine my surprise when she told me I was 100% correct. Her shield was her guide animal which was an eagle. She said she was holding it up in front of her at her waist and it ended by her shoulder. She was able to see over the eagle that was shielding her.

On a side note, you would think that by this point of the seminar I would cease to be surprised or amazed at the stuff I was learning and able to detect but I wasn’t. I guess I really am that thick J

Ok. Now it was my turn. I imagined my shield and what I saw was this huge wall. It was silver and looked like a traditional shield would look only it started at the floor and was very high and wide. I couldn’t see over it. I couldn’t pick it up, I couldn’t move it. The shield completely covered me. I tried and tried to make it smaller. I kept thinking to myself, how am I supposed to defend myself with this shield? It’s more like a wall that a shield. I can’t see what’s going on with this thing in my way. Finally I gave up trying to make it smaller and invited my partner to feel it. I can’t explain it but I sensed when she touched it. She couldn’t believe how big it was. She kept trying to figure out where it began and where it ended but she couldn’t. Finally she gave up and said, I know it’s metal. My fingers tingled when I touched it but that’s all I can tell. It’s huge, like a metal wall but it’s not a wall, right? It can’t be a wall…” I started laughing and told her that yes, my shield was a wall. At this point the other students had gathered that there was something going on with me. I cried during the meditation when our guides came to us. They knew that although I didn’t think I was doing the meditation right it was perfect for my situation and the animal that chose me, Panther. They had listened with interest as the healer told me my chakra was blocked. A few had even asked if they could feel my circle. I let them. Now they were watching my partner and I with curiosity. I invited everyone to feel my shield/wall and they were all amazed at how much energy was in it. They all said they felt their hands tingle when they felt it and could sense how large it was. The healer explained that although she didn’t know my whole story what she had learned about me that day was enough to convince her that a huge wall of a shield was just what I needed.  

Our next exercise was to make holy water and cleansing sea salt bath scrub. I didn’t have any earth shattering revelations during that exercise. Although showering with the scrub does leave me feeling very refreshed mentally and physically. I love it!

Tonight I have my one-on-one healing session. Finally. I was supposed to go last week but I was forced to reschedule. I can’t wait until my appointment. I am really looking forward to it. We are going to work on unblocking my chakra’s, healing emotionally and spiritually and on my addiction to alcohol. I’ve scheduled a 2 hour session. I’ll post about my experience tomorrow.

Smell

So I’m well into my second week here at my new job. You can read about the job here. Things are going really good on the job front. I started on a Friday so last week I got paid for one (1) day of work.  It felt great to be getting a paycheck again. I was on cloud 9 the whole commute home Friday afternoon. I packed up the kids and drove to my sister’s house for the weekend. It was great spending the weekend with money to burn. We ate out a few times and took the kids to the park and to the zoo. I thought about drinking a few times but it was just that, a thought. As I mentioned in another post the obsessive/compulsion to drink has lessened. Which has been a big relief. I have another appointment with my Reiki Healer this week which I’m looking forward to.

Therapy has been going well. I beginning to regain some of my self esteem/self worth back. I spent the last 5 years listening to H berate me and my abilities as a wife/mother/woman and I had started to believe it. It’s been very difficult emotionally but I’ve begun to really examine how H’s treatment of me has affected my view and perception of myself. I used to think that it didn’t affect me. After all, I’ve always believed that I’m a good daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife (in spite of the fact that H would disagree. What does he know?!) and mother. I’m fairly easy on the eyes. I’m smart, generous, kind, loving, honest, loyal, cultured, polite...Seeing how I believe all of these positive qualities about myself it was hard for me to acknowledge that my self esteem/self worth has suffered as a result of H’s verbal abuse.  It has though. It’s damaged me on a very fundamental deep level. It took a while to be able to recognize and verbalize it. It took me even longer to admit to myself what I truly feel inside about myself.  It’s very difficult just to write it out here. I’m fighting back tears as I’m typing this but I’m going to put it out there anyway. I realized that I have an intense amount of self-loathing regarding my body. I honestly, truly believe that I smell. As in I’m dirty, unwashed.  I believe that my normal odor is disgusting and offensive. I believe that my hair, my body, my breath, my feet, everything about me smells. I believe that if someone were to get close to me they would be repulsed by me. I literally keep everyone at an arms distance away. It’s crazy. Logically I know that there is no way I can smell THAT bad. I shower every day, sometimes twice a day. My clothes are always freshly laundered. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. I use perfume or scented lotion every single day. There is no logical reason why I would smell dirty but I feel as though I do. I feel as though THAT’S why H never hugs or kisses me. Much less make love to me. But even that line of thinking is faulty. He never gets close enough to me to be able to smell me. How would he know what I smell like?

It’s crazy that no matter how many times I shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth, spray perfume, apply scented lotion, etc. I still believe that I’m dirty and that I smell. It’s ridiculous and so very sad.

As for the current situation with H, things are a little bit worse between us. It's partly due to the fact that I'm angry at the realization at the debth of my self loathing. I know it can't all be his fault but the fact remains that I blame him. I've also begun to see the motive behind his actions towards me. I've realized that he tries to control me. He uses money, manipulation and plain old fashioned insults to keep me 'in line' It doesn't matter what I try to talk to him about (Yesterday it was my request that he help more with dinner preparations since we both work. The fact of the matter is I leave for work 1 hour before he does, my commute is twice what his is and I get home almost @ hours after he does. He's usually asleep when I leave for work and taking a nap when I get home) he always turns it into the opportunity to insult me. According to him he has no intention of helping with dinner because:
1. I don't cook that well to begin with so he refuses to"help" with dinner that I'm going to ruin anyway.
2. If I cleaned the house better he'd be motivated to help but since the house is a mess I don't deserve his help.
3. He refuses to help because all I do is nag about everything so if he were to help I'd still find something to nag about so he doesn't see the point.

This last excuse of his is a real kicker. Are you ready for it?

4. He doesn't feel like helping out so he's not going to. End of story as far as he's concerned.

Things have somewhat shifted from a constant battle between us to me basically telling him "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on asshole" then going on with my life as though he does not exist. It's no way to live but honestly he's not worth the energy or the effort it takes to fight with him. I always lose so I prefer not to engage with him on any level. I try to keep to myself, take care of my kids, go to work and save money so I can move on with my life. I can't wait until that day comes.