Whirlwind of emotions

I should have known it wasn’t going to last. The anger is gone and the sadness is back. It’s a soul crushing sadness and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’m sad for my kids, especially the boy. It hurts to think that when I move I can’t take him with me. I’ve asked H and he refused to consider it. Although I was angry about it, I can see that the boy staying with H is probably for the best. He’s already lost his biological mother. It would be devastating for him to feel as though his father abandoned him by letting me take him.

These past few weeks I’ve been getting the impression that the boy is angry with me about something. He’s been distant and giving me attitude, something he rarely does.  I assumed that he was having an issue with me moving out of the bedroom his father and I share. I thought that he was angry that I had made a decision about my marriage by moving into S’ room. I figured that he must have figured out that we are separating. I’ve been hesitant to address the issue with him. I know the boy is going to have a rough time with the news so I wanted H to tell his parents first and I wanted to tell the boy’s biololgical grandparents. I hoped that they would be able to help us support the boy as he processes the news and with the changes that will be coming within the next few months. H ‘hasn’t gotten around’ to telling his parents. Yeah right. He’s avoiding it. He’s real big on appearances. He always worries what everyone else thinks and now he has to go tell his ‘holier than thou’ parents that his marriage is over. I honestly feel bad for him about it. I know how his parents can be and they are going to be merciless about this. They too are going to start with the “What will people think!?” As far as I’m concerned, who cares what people think? As for me, my family is very well aware of what has been going on with us. My mom and sister were the first people I told about our separation. I’ve been somewhat patient with H because in all honesty I’m not in a big hurry to tell the boy about our separation. However, I do not feel comfortable avoiding the situation. It feels wrong. When one parent moves out of the marital bedroom something is going on and needs to be addressed. It feels like I’m lying to the boy or like I’m asking him to deny reality and pretend everything is ok by not acknowledging it. Last week he was really giving me a hard time and I decided to address the issue head on. I sat him down and asked him point blank what was going on with him. I told him that I sensed he was angry about something and that I hoped he would tell me what it was so we could talk it out. He denied it but his eyes began welling up with tears. I hugged him tight and told him that I loved him very much. I reminded him that nothing would or ever could change that. I asked him again if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him but he said he didn’t. I wanted to press him further but instead decided to respect his decision. I hugged him for a few more moments and then I told him that I was there for him whenever he was ready to talk about what was bothering him.

A few days later I had an appointment with my Reiki Master/Spiritual Advisor. We discussed what has been going on with me since our last visit. She’s very intuitive so it’s very helpful for me to talk things over with her. We spoke about a conversation I had with H a few days prior. We were invited to a family gathering that we had RSVP’d to before separating. It was a significant occasion for our family so our absence would be noticed. We decided to put a united front and go together since we hadn’t told the boy about our separation. The family event started with a church service. From the time we left the house, during the service and after the service H totally ignored me. He purposely sat separate from me during the service and after the service while everyone gathered to talk he avoided me. There was a luncheon reception after the service and the boy decided to ride with his grandparents. Once H and I were in the car I confronted him on his behavior. I told him that we had both agreed to show a united front and that I would not stand for his disrespectful and rude behavior. If he was going to continue it then he might as well take me home. I also asked him if he was upset because I did not want to be married to him anymore. He said he would hold up his part of the deal and be polite to me, he also said he wasn’t angry and that he had accepted my decision. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t going to fight me every step of the way on this. Part of me didn’t believe him but I wasn’t about to challenge him on it. We headed to the luncheon and had a decent time. I relayed the conversation to H and she sat quietly for a few minutes then said, “He was sincere at that moment. He has accepted your decision but his feelings are going to change when you move out. Just be ready for that” Then I told her of my recent difficulty with the boy. I told her what I thought he was angry about, me moving out of my marital bedroom. Immediately she said, “Nope. He see’s you aligning yourself with your daughter by moving into her room. He’s feeling left out and wants more of your attention. He thinks you love S more and is feeling unworthy. It has nothing to do with you and H. He’s a kid and kids usually turn everything into something about them.” She advised me to reassure him often of my love for him and spend some extra time with him. She said it’s time like this in a kids life where the seeds of self doubt, feeling unworthy, etc are planted. They seeds grow and by the time we are adults we have all of these issues and it’s so hard to untangle them and get to the root of the issue. When I got home I invited the boy into my bedroom to watch a movie. He used to always come and watch movies with me in my bedroom with H. I hadn’t noticed that he stopped doing that since I moved in with S. I casually mentioned that it had been a while since he came to watch a movie with me and asked him if it was because he felt weird coming in now that I was in S’ room. He said he did feel a little bit weird. I reassured him that he is always welcome with me as far as I’m concerned. Since then he’s back to his normal sweet self which makes it even harder to think about moving out and eventually divorcing. Oh, wait. Yup. It’s back. Now I’m angry again. Angry that H has put his entire family through hell these past few years without ever stopping to consider the repercussions of his actions. Even now he could care less about putting his kids emotional and mental well being ahead of his own selfish desires. All he cares about is what “other people” think he doesn’t give a rats ass about the feelings of his own wife and children. He is so fucking selfish. He makes me sick.  He needs to man up and face the music. He needs to admit that he treated his wife like shit for years and fucking ruined his marriage.

Trying to keep it together.

I’m feeling drained today. The kids and I had a fun weekend but it was stressful on an emotional level for me. H is trying to play some sort of mind game and it’s taking a lot of energy to simply ignore it. Last week he invited me to the basketball play-off game for Friday night. His invitation upset me on many levels. First of all we are SEPARATED. He’s made it very clear on numerous occasions that he has no interest in going anywhere with me. He’s been to quite a few sporting events the past year (as usual) and has only invited me to 1 game. That was after the time he called me stupid. Remember this post? I think it was his way of trying to smooth things over between us. Anyway he invited me to Friday’s game and I declined. I was bothered that he would invite me. He’s made it very clear on several occasions how much he hates going places with me.  Either he tells me I’m not invited or when we do go some place together he sets out to be rude, insult and humiliate me. After the last incident when he left me at the restaurant I decided to separate. I made it very clear that I have no intention of ever going anyplace with him again. I released him of any obligation to spend time with me. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. So what does he do? He decides to invite me on a date. I declined so he went on to say that he was NOT going to take no for an answer. He said I was being stubborn and acting like a stick in the mud. Great, more insults! He said he was going to continue to ask me until I agreed to go with him. I alternated between ignoring his invitation or responding with a terse No thanks. After a while he started adding ‘incentives’ he said he would get me a new iphone, a new designer purse, etc if I agreed to go with him. His offer made me very angry. How dare he think that I can be bought.  There isn’t enough money or gifts in the world to get me to go anywhere with him. I didn’t really want to get into it but I reminded him that he told me he hates going places with me and that I’m an embarrassment to him. I suggested he ask someone else instead. He looked me straight in the face and denied all of it. Every horrible, insulting thing he said to me. Denied. All. Of. It.  It’s incredible how deep his denial goes. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and refuses to accept my decision to separate. He acts as though he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m just being difficult by setting my boundaries and refusing to remain in a destructive relationship with him. At times it’s infuriating but mostly it’s just sad.

This weekend I took the kids HERE for ice cream and to check out the new pins. I try to take them once a month and H never goes with us. Naturally this time he insisted on coming with us. It was awful. He spent the entire time checking his phone and ignoring the kids and I. Having him there was worse than going without him. His energy is so negative. All he did was ruin everyone’s good time. Although to be honest S didn’t notice a thing but the boy did. I could see him watching his dad and trying to guage his mood. We usually check out the pins, have a sundae then walk around H-Wood Blvd reading the stars. Our last stop is always HERE  where we have fun matching up our hands and feet to the different imprints. This time the boy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and after our ice cream he said he didn’t feel like walking around. I’m pretty sure the boy said that for his dad’s benefit since H looked bored the entire time we were there but I let it go. Truth be told I didn’t feel like doing our usual routine either. H being there was putting a damper on the day.

Yesterday was a little bit better. I hid out in my room most of the morning. I started to go stir crazy around 11am so I decided to take the kids to DCA. I’ve been working the past few weeks so I decided to splurge on annual passes for the kids and I. (Thank goodness I bought our passes 2 weeks ago since the prices of the passes/tickets went up yesterday. I though the price I paid for the pass was expensive. Now it’s outrageous!)  We got there by noon and had a great time. Our visits used to be focused on getting on the rides and we never paid much attention to the shows. Since we now have a pass we were able to see a show and not feel like we were missing out on the rides. Speaking of my job. This might be my last week here. I’m on assignment through an agency and it’s scheduled to end 5/24 but there’s the possibility that it could be extended. I’ll know more within the next few days. I’m hoping it will be extended because I don’t want to go back to staying at home but I’m not going to worry about it.  If it doesn’t get extended I have faith that something else will come along for me.  

So Fresh and so clean!

I’m grateful to report that I’m doing ok. I continue to have my moments of sadness but nothing too overwhelming. I’ve realized that it’s not so much the sadness that gets to me it’s the anxiety that often accompanies the sadness. I think the meditations that I’ve been focusing on have really helped to ease most of the anxiety. Mother’s Day was low-key. My nephew hosted a bbq for my mom, sister and I. It was at my sister’s house and I was able to get some much needed rest. My mom and sister are very supportive of my decision to separate from H. This situation has taken a large toll on them as well. I never really gave it much thought before but I can see how difficult it has been for them to witness all of the sadness and pain H has subjected me to. They are mourning the end of my marriage as I am but they are also relieved that I have finally chosen to move on. They love me and want a better life for my daughter and I.

I returned home Sunday night and H continued to ignore me. He’s ignored me since I told him it was over. Actually, I take that back. He sent me a text Sunday morning wishing me a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ that text really bothered me. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but it did. It felt like he was just playing games. I knew for a fact he was playing games when I got home and he continued to ignore me. I used the pent-up hurt and anger to rearrange my daughter’s bedroom. I’m happy to report that I ordered a bed and new linens online. I’ve been sleeping on the futon in my daughter’s room but quite honestly it’s killing my back. I decided to invest in a comfortable bed and bright cheery linens. The bed is being delivered today. The linens should be coming by the end of the week. In the meantime I’m going to stop at a discount linen store on my way home and pick up a sheet set and comforter to tide me over. The bed I ordered is a full size bed and we only have queen sheets. It’s ok though. I like the idea of all new linens on my bed that have never been touched or tainted by H. Last night I moved in a tv that H bought 2 years ago but then decided 2 weeks later that he wanted a bigger tv. He was unable to return the original tv so it’s been sitting in the garage. It’s a brand new 52’ flat screen tv. It’s great. I especially love having my own space. Although the situation is not ideal I’m doing what I can to carve out some personal space away from H and make myself comfortable. I’m taking care of me and it feels good.
I suppose it shouldn’t be surprising that I got a text, of all things, from H today stating the he’s not ready to give up on us and that he has hope although he knows things have been kind of rough he believes we can work it out. He must be insane or stupid to think a few insincere words can erase everything that’s happened between us. Maybe he thinks I’m insane or stupid and will change my mind about the separation. What struck me the most about his text was that there was no apology, no acknowledgement of his behavior, no remorse. As usual all he can think about is what he wants. That’s all that has ever mattered to him. What’s more for him to say that things have been “rough” is the understatement of the year! It’s been torture. Rough would be a walk in the park compared to what he has put me through. My immediate response was to respond with all kinds of profanities but instead I went outside and sat across the street at the watercourt. I gathered my thoughts and simply replied that a reconciliation was not possible. This is the best decision for both of us. The sooner we accept this the sooner we wil be able to move on. Naturally he didn’t respond to my text. That’s fine. I’m comfortable with what I said and my intentions were sincere. I didn’t say the hurtful things that I wanted to say. I was honest while being kind and true to myself.

We’ll I gotta run. It’s just about time to head home. I need to pick up my daughter and then run to the linen store for some fresh clean sheets to put on my new bed. Have a great night everyone 

Happy un-anniversary to me.

I expected this day to be incredibly difficult. Today would have been our wedding anniversary. I woke up and felt a sense of sadness but it wasn't overwhelming. I thought about my wedding at various points throughout the day. I shed a few tears but they felt cleansing. Not like tears of despair. I met a friend for dinner and thought about ordering a drink but I really didn't feel like drinking. I didn't want to go home and see H so I came to my moms house. S stood with her when I went to dinner. We just finished having cookies and milk. We are in bed and about to go to sleep. Although my day wasn't as heart wrenching as I had feared I feel emotionally exhausted and very sad. That's ok though. I'm going to feel the feelings. This too shall pass.

Starting to see the light

My Reiki Healing session went good. I admit that I was expecting to be “Healed! Cured! All Better!” with one session but that’s not the way it works. It’s very demanding work emotionally. The session brought up all kinds of sadness and despair. I cried the entire time. It started out with my healer, I’ll call her Selene. We started out by having me lie down. Selene placed crystals on various parts of my body and gave me 2 to hold.   She then placed her hands very gently around the top of my head. I could feel the energy of my healer trying to heal me. It was very subtle but it was there. She then moved to my torso. At that point I could ‘see’ what she was seeing. Actually all I saw was blackness. It appeared to be a little shiny but it was jet black. After a few minutes Selene said, “You are really blocked up. It’s like an ink well in here” I was surprised that I was seeing the same thing. She then moved her hands to my breast bone and began to very gently tap. After a few seconds I had the sensation of being on the verge of crying. The sensation quickly grew and became overwhelming. It actually began to HURT. I flinched and she said, “That’s old pain coming up. Your body is releasing it. Don’t be afraid. Just let it all go. Let all the old hurt go. You are safe here.” She tapped and laid her hands on various parts of my body. She requested that I tell her when I felt pain. She didn’t want to hurt me so she would alternate between tapping, removing negative energy and trying to give me positive energy. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I could feel when she removed the energy, or when she helped my body release it and when she was trying to give me positive healing energy. I cried the entire session. I just felt so very, very sad. I’ve known for a while that I’m sad but I had no idea just how sad I really am.  Once it was over we discussed what feelings came up for me during the session and she shared what she felt. We decided that I would see her once a week and then we’d re-evaluate where I was at after 4 sessions. I left feeling calmer and very, very tired. I went home and slept like a baby. I had scheduled another session for the following week.

That weekend H started acting like his usual mean self. I don’t really fell like getting into it but let me just say that we went out with friends Saturday night. He was in a foul mood and seemed to want to pick a fight. I did my best to ignore him attitude. We were all seated at dinner and towards the end of the meal I left to use the ladies room. During that time the bill came and everyone began to figure out what they ate so they could pay their portion. Although I had sat next to H the entire meal he had no idea what I had ordered. The plates had been cleared and I had was in the restroom. As I was washing my hands two of the other ladies from our party came into the restroom. We began chatting and I ended up waiting for them. We all touched up our make-up and went back to the table. At that point the bill had been settled and we were heading out to a nightclub. H pulled me aside and began to berate me for embarrassing him. He was angry because he had no idea what I had ordered for dinner therefore had a difficult time deciding how much he owed. Ultimately he paid what he thought was enough but was livid about it. He went on to insult me, telling me that he hated going places with me, that I always embarrass him, blah, blah. I tried reasoning with him but he refused to be reasoned with. I was this horrible embarrassment to him and I ruined his entire evening. He stormed off. I naively assumed he went to the restroom or outside to cool off. Another couple who had witnessed the exchange but had backed off discretely came forward.  The look of pity in their eyes was awful to see. They didn’t mention the incident but I sensed that they were trying to provide some sense of comfort towards me. After about 10 minutes the guy excused himself to go to the restroom. He was gone a quite a few minutes. When he came back he looked uncomfortable. He asked if I knew where H had went. I must have looked very surprised because he said, “his car is gone but you can ride with us to the nightclub” I declined but they were very sweet and insistent that I continue on with the evening as planned. So I went along and managed to have a fairly nice time. Oh and I drank. Not a bunch but more than I should have. During the evening I called and text H repeatedly but he never responded. Some of the other men in the group attempted to call him as well but he never responded. The couple dropped me of later at home and H’s car was in the driveway. I went inside and he was asleep in our bed. I went and slept in our daughters room. The next morning when I woke up I started really thinking about the evening before. It really sank in that H had picked a fight with me for no reason, insulted and humiliated me in public then left me there without a second thought as to how I would get home or if I would even be ok. He had no idea that one couple would stay behind to make sure I was ok. Most everyone had already left. The couple that stood behind just happened to overhear H and decided to wait it out. All of a sudden it became perfectly clear. I’m done. It’s over. I am never going to let this man hurt, insult or manipulate me ever again. The clarity in which I saw this and the conviction that I felt surprised me. There have been many, many instances over the years where I told myself that exact same thing but it was usually fueled by anger, or a desire for revenge (I’ll show him!) or complete and utter defeat. This time was different. I don’t know how to explain it but it came from a sense of calmness inside of me. I showered in the guest room and prepared myself for what I was going to do next. I went into the living room where he was watching sports. I told him that we needed to talk. He barely glanced my way or acknowledged me. I got the remote and turned off the tv. Then I looked him in the face and said, “It’s over. As of this moment we are no longer married. Although I’m not in a position to move out of this house physically I’m moving into our daughter’s bedroom until I can move out permanently. I am no longer going to allow you to insult and humiliate me. You have done me wrong for the very last time. I am breaking the tie that binds us. I am NOT your wife and you are not my husband” I know it sounds very dramatic but at that moment I meant every word with all of my heart. I walked away feeling a huge sense of relief. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my head and my heart. That day I began moving into my daughter’s room. H never said a word while I spoke and has ignored me every day since then. After the initial euphoria wore off I began to feel sad about the ending of my marriage but I have not had one single second thought or regret about my decision to end our marriage. The sadness comes in waves and I try my best to simply feel the sadness. I don’t stuff it down, try to ignore it or tell myself that it doesn’t matter or that I don’t care. It does matter and I do care. I took my marriage vows seriously, I believed that this was the person for me and that we would be together forever. To see it fall apart hurts very deeply however my decision remains the same. I’m done. I am no longer his wife. He is not my husband. It’s over.

Smell

So I’m well into my second week here at my new job. You can read about the job here. Things are going really good on the job front. I started on a Friday so last week I got paid for one (1) day of work.  It felt great to be getting a paycheck again. I was on cloud 9 the whole commute home Friday afternoon. I packed up the kids and drove to my sister’s house for the weekend. It was great spending the weekend with money to burn. We ate out a few times and took the kids to the park and to the zoo. I thought about drinking a few times but it was just that, a thought. As I mentioned in another post the obsessive/compulsion to drink has lessened. Which has been a big relief. I have another appointment with my Reiki Healer this week which I’m looking forward to.

Therapy has been going well. I beginning to regain some of my self esteem/self worth back. I spent the last 5 years listening to H berate me and my abilities as a wife/mother/woman and I had started to believe it. It’s been very difficult emotionally but I’ve begun to really examine how H’s treatment of me has affected my view and perception of myself. I used to think that it didn’t affect me. After all, I’ve always believed that I’m a good daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife (in spite of the fact that H would disagree. What does he know?!) and mother. I’m fairly easy on the eyes. I’m smart, generous, kind, loving, honest, loyal, cultured, polite...Seeing how I believe all of these positive qualities about myself it was hard for me to acknowledge that my self esteem/self worth has suffered as a result of H’s verbal abuse.  It has though. It’s damaged me on a very fundamental deep level. It took a while to be able to recognize and verbalize it. It took me even longer to admit to myself what I truly feel inside about myself.  It’s very difficult just to write it out here. I’m fighting back tears as I’m typing this but I’m going to put it out there anyway. I realized that I have an intense amount of self-loathing regarding my body. I honestly, truly believe that I smell. As in I’m dirty, unwashed.  I believe that my normal odor is disgusting and offensive. I believe that my hair, my body, my breath, my feet, everything about me smells. I believe that if someone were to get close to me they would be repulsed by me. I literally keep everyone at an arms distance away. It’s crazy. Logically I know that there is no way I can smell THAT bad. I shower every day, sometimes twice a day. My clothes are always freshly laundered. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. I use perfume or scented lotion every single day. There is no logical reason why I would smell dirty but I feel as though I do. I feel as though THAT’S why H never hugs or kisses me. Much less make love to me. But even that line of thinking is faulty. He never gets close enough to me to be able to smell me. How would he know what I smell like?

It’s crazy that no matter how many times I shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth, spray perfume, apply scented lotion, etc. I still believe that I’m dirty and that I smell. It’s ridiculous and so very sad.

As for the current situation with H, things are a little bit worse between us. It's partly due to the fact that I'm angry at the realization at the debth of my self loathing. I know it can't all be his fault but the fact remains that I blame him. I've also begun to see the motive behind his actions towards me. I've realized that he tries to control me. He uses money, manipulation and plain old fashioned insults to keep me 'in line' It doesn't matter what I try to talk to him about (Yesterday it was my request that he help more with dinner preparations since we both work. The fact of the matter is I leave for work 1 hour before he does, my commute is twice what his is and I get home almost @ hours after he does. He's usually asleep when I leave for work and taking a nap when I get home) he always turns it into the opportunity to insult me. According to him he has no intention of helping with dinner because:
1. I don't cook that well to begin with so he refuses to"help" with dinner that I'm going to ruin anyway.
2. If I cleaned the house better he'd be motivated to help but since the house is a mess I don't deserve his help.
3. He refuses to help because all I do is nag about everything so if he were to help I'd still find something to nag about so he doesn't see the point.

This last excuse of his is a real kicker. Are you ready for it?

4. He doesn't feel like helping out so he's not going to. End of story as far as he's concerned.

Things have somewhat shifted from a constant battle between us to me basically telling him "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on asshole" then going on with my life as though he does not exist. It's no way to live but honestly he's not worth the energy or the effort it takes to fight with him. I always lose so I prefer not to engage with him on any level. I try to keep to myself, take care of my kids, go to work and save money so I can move on with my life. I can't wait until that day comes.

Death by 1,000 papercuts.

I'm having difficulty concentrating. I have so much that I want to write about but it's a struggle. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place.

Let me back up a bit and share about a discussion H ad I had a few weeks ago. While on vacation in January I noticed that the boy seemed very preoccupied with H and I. When we arrived in our stateroom he was very interested in the sleeping arrangements. Specifically if H was going to sleep in the same bed with me. He asked me and I answered honestly that I did not know. He asked H and H ignored him. After the boy repeatedly asked him H in turn told him that he he didn't know before eventually saying that yes he was going to sleep in the same bed as me. It turned out to be a lie. Our room had a double bed and bunk beds. That evening H settled into the bottom bunk and went to sleep. During the week I also noticed that the boy seemed to be on alert for any sign of discord between H and I. It was if he was gauging our feelings and temperaments as a way of determining how he felt and if he was ok.  That realization saddened and angered me. Our son shouldn't have to deal with this type of crap. He's just a kid. He's been dreaming about this vacation as long as he can remember. Finally it's here and he can't properly enjoy it. He's caught up in the dysfunction of H and I. A few weeks after we returned I spoke at length to H about what I saw and how I felt about it. I made it very clear that we need to do something. I will not allow this dysfunction to continue. We are potentially damaging our kids on a very fundamental level. The last thing I want is for my kids to grown up and be stuck in unhappy, unfulfilled relationships because that's all they know. I told H that it was time for action. Either we return to therapy and work on rebuilding our marriage or we decide to part amicably and with the best intentions of our kids as the priority. Although it breaks my heart to have to separate my kids I'd much rather have them grow up separate than together in dysfunction. If we can't model a healthy family I'd like to be able to model a healthy separation. In addition I told H that he either move back into our bed or officially move out into the guest room. It's not fair to me or our children to sleep on the couch every night but yet refuse to acknowledge it or take responsibility for his actions. H predictable said that he would, think about it and get back to me. I suggested a time frame of 2 weeks before we'd discuss the matter further. Two weeks passed and when questioned H said that he hadn't had time to think about it. That angered me. It's obvious that he does not care about anyone but himself. He has no desire to do anything to make our situation better or to try and model healthy behavior for his children. We exchanged some tense words but that was pretty much the end of it. Over the subsequent days my anger turned into deep sadness. I think I finally get it. The veil of denial lifted and I can clearly see that this man does not care about me or his kids. There is nothing that I can say or do that will make him care about the well being of his children, care about our marriage or to change his mind. We are nothing to him. That realization hurt. It cut me to my core. I felt raw and incredibly stupid. I'm ashamed that I have allowed someone to treat me so poorly for so long. He's criticized, belittled, mocked, taken advantage of and insulted me for years. He's emotionally and mentally abusive. He's physically withholding. But yet I'm still here and talking about working things out. WORKING THINGS OUT!?? What a joke. I'm a fool. The pain and humiliation became unbearable. I was barely functioning. I didn't shower or change for days. What was the point? The one person who should care about me wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I started to feel suicidal. That's when I called the crisis hotline and made an appointment.

My appointment went well. We worked on the suicide issue first and foremost. She wanted to make sure my kids and I were safe. That I wouldn't act on the impulse. So far they've just been thoughts of suicide. She asked if I had a plan. I did. H has a gun in the house and I know where it is. I could have used it at any point but I didn't. My kids are my priority. No matter how much I want this pain to end I could never leave them. She asked for permission to call H. She wanted to ask him get the gun out of the house. She didn't feel comfortable letting me go home knowing there was a gun in the house. I understood and appreciated her concern. It took 2 days of reminding H to put the gun away before he actually did it. That really, really bothered me, I was dying to confront him about it. Part of me wanted to yell at him and rage. the other part of me didn't see the point. I knew no matter what I said, or how many times I said it he wouldn't "hear" me. He chooses not to.



It's been a very rough road emotionally these past few weeks. I've been seeing my therapist 2x a week and am starting to feel a bit more stable emotionally. I'm off to another appointment, I'll try posting more later.

Therapy

I've been having a very rough time in my marriage this past week. A few very painful issues have been brought to my attention. The pain I'm in is acute. I can't sleep and even breathing is difficult. I have a huge weight on my chest that will not go away. It physically feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. My post about PPD was prompted by the fact that I had that same overwhelming urge to just walk out the door and never come back. My situation feels so hopeless and I'm beginning to see just how destructive this marriage has been to me. It's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally. I want to leave but aside from the fact that I have no place to go, I must remember that wherever I go there I am. I can't run from my marriage or my problems anymore.

I got in touch with a local mental health crisis center and talked about what I've been going through. The compassion I got from the counselor I spoke to completely did me in. I was driving as I spoke to her, I have blue tooth so it's hands free, I was crying so hard I had to pull over. I was referred to a therapist. My first appt. is on Monday. I've felt some measure of relief since making the appointment, although I must admit that writing out this blog has triggered my anxiety and my chest feels very heavy right now.

I have a few breathing exercises that have helped some when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've also been trying to stay in the moment and not obsess about the future. I'm trying to be gentle and patient with myself.

On another, brighter note the kids and I are going back to Disneylnd tomorrow. This time we are celebrating my son's 12th birthday. We got a park hopper ticket so we'll be venturing over to CA Adventre as well. I'm looking forward to it. They have a couple of new attractions the kids and I want to check out.

Last installment to My Story

 I realized that I have been avoiding writing the next part of my story. It’s a very painful part of my life and it hurts me to think about. I’m going to try and write it out now.

I suffered from sever post-partum depression following the birth of my daughter. I was unable to care for my daughter. I couldn’t even be I her presence without having a massive anxiety attack. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. All I did was cry. All I wanted to do was leave. Get as far away from this house, my husband and my kids as I possibly could. I had no idea where I would go but I was deep in despair and desperate for relief. I can honestly say the thought of walking out the front door and never coming back appealed to me. I was literally crawling out of my skin with sadness and anxiety. I considered living under a freeway overpass down the street from my home. I drove by it and imagined what I would do to ‘fix it up’ I even considered suicide an option. Although I was very ill, I was very fortunate to have the insight to recognize what was going on with me. I KNEW I was sick. I contacted a dear friend who literally saved my life and my daughters life. She made my dr’s appt to be evaluated for PPD and drove me there. She spent the next 6 months taking care of me and my daughter. She is married and has a family of her own but her husband and mother’s shouldered the responsibilities so she could drive 45 minutes to my house ever single day and spend her day caring for my daughter and me. It took about 2 months for the dr to get the proper medication and doses right to deal with the anxiety and another 4 months for the depression to begin to lift.

My original plan had been to return to work following 8 weeks of maternity leave. My goal was to save money and move out by S’s first birthday. Needless to say that was out of the question. I was placed on Extended Disability due to PPD. It took 9 months for me to begin functioning normally and be released from disability. By then I had lost my job security. Under CA Law my employer is not obligated to hold my job longer than the 8 weeks originally allotted to me for maternity leave. When I notified my employer of my release and intention to return to work they laid me off. That was in April 2010. I have been searching for a job ever since. I was able to get 2 temporary assignments last year. They each lasted approx. 3 months. The last one ended on Nov. 30, 2011

During my periods of unemployment I have actively searched for a job and collected unemployment insurance. Currently I am taking a computer class to become certified in 2 very well known and useful applications. I’m about half way through the course. I’m hoping once I’m certified I’ll be able to finally find a full time permanent position.

That pretty much brings us up to date on my story. Although I didn’t like having to think about it and write it out it wasn’t as painful as I had feared. Funny how that’s usually the case.

The pull

I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.

So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.

First one.

I went to my first sober funeral today. The old familiar obsession/compulsion to drink was not there. I am incredibly grateful for that. I'll admit that I thought about drinking but it was just that, a fleeting thought that passed through my mind then it was gone. Tomorrow is the actual burial service with a celebration of life luncheon after. It's going to be a booze laden event but I'm not worried. I'll be fine. I'm firm in my commitment to be sober. Drinking isn't going to make the situation less painful. In fact drinking is only going to make me feel worse. While the service this evening was difficult I'm very glad that I was able to stay sober for another day.

Drive down memory lane.

I enjoyed myself at both parties today and I didn't drink. It wasn't hard at all to refuse alcohol when offered. I'm not sure what prompted the change but I'm grateful for the reprieve from obsession/compulsion to drink.

The parties were in the same area, roughly about 90 miles away from where we live. I refuse to drive if I've been drinking but I'm ashamed to admit that I have no problem with getting in the car with him if he's been drinking. Earlier in the week H had suggested we rent a room. He figured we would both be drinking and knew the burden of driving would be on him. Since I knew I wouldn't be drinking I offered to be the designated driver. About 5 miles away from home the freeway was closed unexpectedly for repairs. Everyone was forced to exit the freeway and follow the detour route by street. As I drove along I realized that I was going the same route I would take when I was drinking daily. My routine was to stop on my way home from work to buy vodka and then finish it off before I reached my freeway exit. Since this was a daily routine I did not want to stop at the same liquor store every day. I was worried the clerk might think I was an alcoholic! For some reason I find that to be funny now, especially since I AM an alcoholic. Anyway, I soon figured out every liquor store on my route home and would alternate the stores I stopped at. It's also worth noting that although I refused to drive AFTER drinking I saw nothing wrong with drinking while I was driving. I would wait until I had about 2 miles to go and would down the equivalent of about 4-5 drinks. I'm a binge drinker, obviously. I told myself that it didn't count as driving while intoxicated since the alcohol would begin to affect me as my drive home ended.

As I drove home tonight and remembered the various lengths I had gone to just for a drink it saddened me. The compulsion/obsession to drink followed by the despair and self loathing was terrible to remember. It was horrific when I lived it day after day. There is also a part of me tonight that is very grateful that I am no longer in that place. Those days are gone and I'm going to do everything in my power not to have to go there again. I want to recover. I will recover.

I chose recovery.

Today was rough. I struggled with my sobriety for most of the evening. Almost all of the triggers I felt were due to H. Now, I know that I cant always blame him for everything but in this instance it really does come down to him and his attitude towards me.
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.

On the bright side I didn't drink today!

I'm stupid, didn't you know?

I hate to take a victim role. I've never seen myself as being weak or letting anyone step all over me. I can hold my own but yet in my marriage I tend to back down. Not for me. I back down for my kids. Although I think I'm setting a good example by not responding to verbal assaults with verbal assaults and by trying to take the high road. I refuse to be dragged down to any one's level. I feel as though I'm doing what's right for my kids sake but yet it doesn't feel very good. Especially when I'm trying to comfort my son by minimizing the statements/verbal assaults of his father. I worry about the message it sends to my son and later to my daughter when she's old enough to understand.

My daughter woke up crying at 3am this morning. I got her and put her into bed with me. She tried to go back to sleep but was obviously uncomfortable and in pain. I took her to urgent care at 8am when they opened. Come to find out that she had a bladder infection. If you've ever had a small child you needed to get a urine sample of, I don't need to tell you how difficult and upsetting it is. She hated the procedure and I hated subjecting her to the procedure. Once we got a positive diagnosis and picked up her prescription it was 11am. My daughter and I had been up for 7 hours. We were exhausted. Once we got home I gave her the 1st dose of antibiotics and made her soup for lunch. After lunch we settled into my bed to watch cartoons and rest. She was asleep within 10 minutes. She slept until 5pm when I woke her up. We were both feeling groggy and out of sorts. I fed her yogurt and she drank juice then decided to bake cookies. I figured warm cookies and milk would give her some comfort. H came home by 8pm. I had already fed the kids dinner and was baking the chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile I logged onto the internet so S could watch her favorite cartoon while I finished up in the kitchen.

We've had our laptop for over 4 years. There are a few keys missing, the 'control' & 'delete' and 'up' key. Today as S watched her cartoon she allegedly pushed more than one key down on the key board. That caused the 's' & '7' key to pop out. H came storming into the kitchen where I was washing dishes to yell about S and claim that she was solely responsible for ALL of the missing keys.  He said lots of not very nice things about S and my performance as a mother. I didn't take very kindly to that. I agreed with him when he said that we shouldn't leave her alone to watch cartoons on the computer. Even though I didn't leave her ALONE. H was less that 2 feet away from her. How can he suggest that I left her ALONE? We got into an argument about it and he went on to call me stupid for bringing up the fact that the laptop was old and the fact that I didn't leave her alone. At the time I was in shock and hurt that he would call me stupid. I may be lots of things but I am NOT stupid. I'll admit that I got caught up in the argument. He called me stupid and I disputed his name calling but I also told him that if his definition of stupid was standing up for my daughter and refusing to let him blame her for the entire demise of his computer than so be it. By this time I was crying. Then I noticed the boy had left the room. We were in the living room and I had just served him milk and warm cookies from the oven but he was nowhere to be found. I found him in his room, sobbing his head off. Obviously the argument had upset him. Right fully so! H has always expressed a desire for me to treat the boy as my own and I always have. How could I not love a young motherless boy who wanted a mom? I was a woman who always wanted kids. It was a match made in heaven. But yet H thinks nothing of insulting that same woman who his son has learned to love as his true mom. I'm the one who tends to him, I take care of him, I love him and I'm the one who is there for him unconditionally. I never speak ill of H. The boy is old enough to see the discrepancies between his dad's words and actions. Call me stupid or enabling but when the boy asks me about the discrepancies I never say a negative word. I'll even go so far as to say I make excuses or enable H's behavior.

So this evening when H was on a rampage about the old ass computer I tried to ignore him but it was hard. I knew without a doubt that S was not solely responsible for all of the missing keys.When I voiced my opinion it seemed to give H a renewed thrill. He called me stupid for suggesting it wasn't all S's fault. Then he went on to say that I had called him stupid, first! When I pointed out that I hadn't called him anything, merely stated my opinion he insisted that by stating my opinion I was calling him stupid. I disagreed. According to him, by disagreeing that made me ever stupider!

At that point I realized it was pointless to continue the discussion. I left the room to put the kids to bed. I came back and asked him to refrain from insulting me in front of the kids because it was very upsetting to them. He laughed in my face and suggested that we call the boy into the room. He said, "ask him what he thinks. He's going to say that he thinks you are stupid too" What a low blow. Now he's using my son to try and hurt me? There is no truth to his words but they hurt just the same.

Heavy Heart

Sorry about the absence. I've had a really rough week. I was trying to maintain my denial and did not want to blog about what I was going through because then I would have to face reality. Last week was H's birthday. The kids and I made him a cake, planned a dinner and bought him a gift. He wasn't interested in the dinner we planned so he changed the plans on us. Ok. Fine. I was bothered but I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Not for his sake but for my kids. When we got home he "wasn't in the mood for cake" so we didn't light any candles or sing for him. Honestly I couldn't care less about it but our kids were looking forward to it. Even S who is too young to understand much knows all about birthdays. When I tell her it's someone's birthday she'll sing "Happy, Happy" a few times and then end it by blowing a big gust of wind. I didn't even bother mentioning the present. I gave the kids dessert and put them to bed. The next day evening went out with "the guys" to celebrate his birthday. I ordered pizza for dinner then the kids and I watched A Muppets Christmas on tv. I thought about drinking a few times but I was so angry at H that I wouldn't entertain the notion. He's not worth drinking over.

Around 3am that night H came into our room and got into bed with me. It's been months since he slept in our bed so it woke me up and startled the hell out of me. I've gotten into the habit of sleeping in the middle of the bed so I scooted over and prepared to go back to sleep. He spooned me and started rubbing my arms and legs. I'll spare you the details but you can imagine what he wanted. I was in shock. As I've mentioned before I sleep alone every night and at best we've been intimate 2 or 3 times since 2009 and not once this year. Initially I resisted his advances. It felt unfamiliar and very strange to have his hands on me. I was tempted to ask him to get out of my bed but the truth is it felt nice. I hate myself for feeling that way and I'm ashamed to admit it but I started this blog anonymously so I could/would be honest and that is the truth. I liked him being in my bed. I know there is nothing wrong with being intimate but I hate that someone who treats me so bad could make me feel so good. What's worse is that I let him. He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near me, much less in my bed. Anyway, what struck me later about the encounter was he never told me that he loved me. That should have given me a clue.

 The experience was ok physically but empty emotionally. The next morning he cuddled with me and was acting like the old H. The one I fell in love with and agreed to marry. I was on cloud 9. I know, I'm a fool. Although I wouldn't dare admit it to myself but some part of me started thinking that things were going to get better between us. I don't know what happened to give H a change of heart but I truly wanted to believe that he had a change of heart. I never really figured out what made H change from the person I fell in love with to the man he became. Cold, bitter, mean, insensitive and indifferent towards me. It felt as though it happened overnight and I was willing to believe that the change back would be possible overnight too. We chatted about the upcoming day and I suggested we take the kids to the movies. He agreed. Shortly after that we got up and went about our day.

I was so happy, I felt loved and was positive that things would be better and continue to get better from then on. Like I said, yes I know I'm an idiot. I approached him about out movie plans and he made a face and said in an annoyed voice, "I'm watching football. You take them" Ok fine. Once again I didn't want to make a big deal about it mention that he had told me that he would join us. The kids and I headed out. When I got back I sat down next to him on the couch and attempted to tell him about the movie and wanted his input on dinner. He basically kept his eyes on the tv and ignored me. The old H was back but I REFUSED to believe it. I thought that if I explained that the change in his behavior from earlier that morning was confusing and hurtful to me  we could talk about what was going on with him. I was hoping we would have a discussion like normal, rational people and come to some sort of mutual understanding/arrangement that worked for both of us. I was hoping he'd finally be open to listening to me and attempt to understand how his actions affect me. Wrong. He refused to acknowledge any change in his behavior. I told him that after a while I get used to sleeping alone and his indifferent attitude towards me. After a while it doesn't hurt as much but when he plays these games with me all of the hurt comes flooding back. Then I have the added pain of feeling like a fool for letting him hurt me yet again. He told me that I was crazy and imagining things.

Once again, I hate to admit this because I feel like such a stupid fool but I was crushed. My heart ached. I cried off and on for the rest of the week. I was so hurt by his treatment of me. It was cruel and felt calculated. I felt as though he set out to hurt me and I let him. When am I going to learn?  I should know better by now. On an intellectual level I can see that his actions have  nothing at all to do with me. He's obviously a very disturbed/unhappy person to treat anyone like that, much less his wife. But yet it still wounds me very deeply. I'm only human.When someone cuts me I bleed.

Sorry to be such a downer on the beginning of a holiday weekend. I needed to get this out. It's been festering in my mind and heart all week. I needed to write it all down so I can purge myself of it. I really want to enjoy this weekend with my family and my kids. I used to love Christmas but haven't been feeling the Christmas spirit the past few years. I remember the anticipation and excitement of Christmas that I used to feel and I want that back. So this weekend I am going to reclaim it. I'm going to offer up my marriage and the burdens surrounding it to God and focus on all of the Peace, Hope and Love of the Christmas Season. I hope you are able to do the same.

Merry Christmas!
xo, Bien Tomada

Why I want to quit (Edited)

My family and I are going on a Disney Cruise to the Mexican Riviera. We are leaving in January and need passports. We all have passports with the exception of S. I don't have a copy of her birth certificate so I went down to the county house of records to request a copy.

As I was driving to the county house of records I started thinking of my dad. I haven't mentioned much about my parents so I would like to take this opportunity to talk about my dad. I loved him dearly. I remember him always laughing, I remember how gentle and loving he was. I remember going with him every Friday to cash his check at the liquor store. He always got a 6 pack of beer and 4 club drinks. Mai Tai's. 2 for him and 2 for my mom. She didn't like beer so he drank them all. I remember him throwing up every night. It sounded like gallons and gallons of vomit. My room was by the bathroom and I remember hearing him throw up and being so frightened by the sound. I was young so throwing up signaled that someone was "really sick". But yet I don't remember the next morning. I don't remember any mention of him throwing up or being under the weather. It was as though it never happened. I don't remember if I asked about it, if there was a discussion about it or if my parents mentioned it in an attempt too explain and reassure us. My next memory is of my dad coming to pick me up from school. I was in the 2nd grade. He picked my sister and I early from school. We headed to the county hospital where his father was in a coma. 

Now, I don't remember much of my grandfather but what I do remember was that we would see him walking along the street as we went on our business. My dad always seemed surprised to see him and would immediately stop the car to pick him up. As a young girl my perception was that he was old and smelled. My dad would drive him wherever he said he was going but I remember my dad looking sad about it. I have a vivid memory of my sisters birthday one year when we went to China Town in the city. My grandfather came because my dad wanted to include him and my grandfather brought along his best friend. His best friend was a homeless drunk, excuse me for being blunt but that's what I think of when I think about him. Even as a young girl I could see it. It's taken me many years to figure out why/how my grandfather became to be best friends with him. 

So now my grandfather is in a coma. He was found passed out on the street in the middle of a storm. He was taken to the hospital and his family was contacted. My father was grief stricken over it. He called my mom and asked her to come with him to the hospital. She was at work and felt that she couldn't leave so she suggested he take my sister and I for moral support. So he went and picked us up early from school and we went with him. I remember it felt like I was at the hospital for days, endlessly. After that I don't remember anything until the day my dad died. 

I remember that a pizza franchise had opened up near our home. It was new and geared towards family/children. My mom picked me and my sister up from school and headed to the pharmacy next to the new pizza place. She had taken my dad to the dr that morning and he was diagnosed with hepatitis. She needed to fill his prescriptions and since we were in the same parking lot of the new pizza place my sister and I begged her to let us play a few games before heading home. She reluctantly agreed and we headed to the pizza place while we waited for the prescriptions. I remember having the best time and trying to convince my mom to stay when she said it was time to leave. 

When we got home my mom opened the door and rushed to the couch. My dad was spread out on the couch bleeding from his chin, lips and nose. He also had various cuts on his arms and legs. Apparently he had gotten up to get the mail and fallen flat on his face. The cuts/scrapes were from him dragging himself back inside. Although now I KNOW it wasn't my fault, at the time and for many years after I felt responsible. If I hadn't begged my mom to stop by the pizza place my dad wouldn't have fallen. My next memory is of my mom leading us in our nightly prayers. She ended it with, "Please take care of daddy and make him better" I prayed along with her and drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that my daddy would be ok. 

I woke up in the early morning to the sound of my mom throwing up and lots of people in our house. My dad had died in the bed next to my mom. When she realized he wasn't breathing (he had been wheezing the past few weeks) she called 911. By the time they got to our house there was nothing they could do. He was gone. I don't want to say that my mom was insensitive or a bad mother but in the midst of her grief she couldn't be bothered. It was too much for her to tend to my sister and I. We  looked to her for explanations, reassurance, comfort but she was unable to give it to us. 

Whew, talk about a tangent! 

As I was driving to the courthouse it occurred to me that I had never seen my dad's death certificate. I've asked my mom what it said, the cause if death, etc but she has always said she doesn't remember. She also doesn't remember where her copy of the death certificate is. It feels as though my decision to stop drinking is intimately connected to my dad's death so I want to know what the coroner said he died from. I've thought about his death certificate before but never had a reason to head to the court house and request a copy. So since I was headed to the courthouse to request a copy of S's birth certificate  I decided to order a copy of my dad's death certificate. Since he was born before 1995 it will be delivered within 15 days via mail...

Edit to add: I posted this without reading it. I just finished reading it and want to clarify a few items. My grandfather was a homeless alcoholic. He would drift from relatives homes but for the most part he was on the streets. His wife, my grandmother, died when my father was about 8 years old. There are conflicting stories about what exactly happened to her. From what I've gathered is that she was mentally ill. I have no idea if that is true or not. I've also heard that my grandfather used to physically abuse her. She was in a relationship before the one she had with my grandfather. That marriage resulted in 4 daughters. Somehow she left that relationship and her daughters. She married my grandfather and went on to have 7 children, one a year. When my father was 8 his mothers daughters from her previous relationship 'found' her and 'forced' her to return with them to Mexico. After she left my grandfather was unable to care for his children. The girls were sent to live with an older aunt and the boys were basically left to fend for themselves. My father cried for weeks after his mother left. All of the children did. Later he heard that she had died in a horrible car accident shortly after she left. He also heard a conflicting story that she died in a fire. There is an old picture in a photo album that belongs to my parents of a unmarked grave with a simple wooden cross on it. My father was told that was where his mother was buried.

Although my grandfather was unable to properly care for his children my father was very loyal to his father.   He loved his father dearly. When his father died (the cause of his death is unknown. The family decided not to have an autopsy performed) I remember my dad telling me that he couldn't live without his father. He said he was going to die too. I don't know if I believed him or not. Exactly 5 months to the day his father died my dad died. They are buried together.

Rough evening

I had a rough evening. I wish I didn’t feel the need to push myself the way I do. I ended up not ordering dinner. I got it in my head that since the kids are spending the night at my in-laws tonight I simply had to prepare them a homemade dinner. As I prepared each item the thought of stopping and ordering in went through my head. I was almost finished and still kept thinking about ordering in. Then I figured that even if I ordered in I would still have to serve them so I might as well serve them what I had been slaving over. I got everyone served and sat down to eat my food. I hadn’t sat down once since I got home. Immediately I felt overwhelmingly tired and I wanted to cry. I put my fork down and told H that I didn’t feel good and was going to lie down. I went into my room and promptly fell asleep. It wasn’t a restful sleep though. I knew in the back of my mind that resting/sleep was out of the question. I still had to bathe S and put her to bed. I knew H would simply not do it. S woke me up a few times to ask for juice, to put on a DVD of Caillou and to change her pamper. I felt awful telling her to ask H but I was exhausted. Her requests were so simple but I couldn’t muster the energy to get up and do them. I must have fallen into a deep sleep because I startled awake and checked the clock. It was 9:45pm. H was watching tv and S was walking around the house. I put S down for the night, got back into bed and cried. I felt guilty that I didn’t bathe S and put her to bed on time and I was angry at H for being utterly and completely useless.  

I'm hoping these feelings will pass quickly. I hate feeling this way.