Death by 1,000 papercuts.

I'm having difficulty concentrating. I have so much that I want to write about but it's a struggle. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place.

Let me back up a bit and share about a discussion H ad I had a few weeks ago. While on vacation in January I noticed that the boy seemed very preoccupied with H and I. When we arrived in our stateroom he was very interested in the sleeping arrangements. Specifically if H was going to sleep in the same bed with me. He asked me and I answered honestly that I did not know. He asked H and H ignored him. After the boy repeatedly asked him H in turn told him that he he didn't know before eventually saying that yes he was going to sleep in the same bed as me. It turned out to be a lie. Our room had a double bed and bunk beds. That evening H settled into the bottom bunk and went to sleep. During the week I also noticed that the boy seemed to be on alert for any sign of discord between H and I. It was if he was gauging our feelings and temperaments as a way of determining how he felt and if he was ok.  That realization saddened and angered me. Our son shouldn't have to deal with this type of crap. He's just a kid. He's been dreaming about this vacation as long as he can remember. Finally it's here and he can't properly enjoy it. He's caught up in the dysfunction of H and I. A few weeks after we returned I spoke at length to H about what I saw and how I felt about it. I made it very clear that we need to do something. I will not allow this dysfunction to continue. We are potentially damaging our kids on a very fundamental level. The last thing I want is for my kids to grown up and be stuck in unhappy, unfulfilled relationships because that's all they know. I told H that it was time for action. Either we return to therapy and work on rebuilding our marriage or we decide to part amicably and with the best intentions of our kids as the priority. Although it breaks my heart to have to separate my kids I'd much rather have them grow up separate than together in dysfunction. If we can't model a healthy family I'd like to be able to model a healthy separation. In addition I told H that he either move back into our bed or officially move out into the guest room. It's not fair to me or our children to sleep on the couch every night but yet refuse to acknowledge it or take responsibility for his actions. H predictable said that he would, think about it and get back to me. I suggested a time frame of 2 weeks before we'd discuss the matter further. Two weeks passed and when questioned H said that he hadn't had time to think about it. That angered me. It's obvious that he does not care about anyone but himself. He has no desire to do anything to make our situation better or to try and model healthy behavior for his children. We exchanged some tense words but that was pretty much the end of it. Over the subsequent days my anger turned into deep sadness. I think I finally get it. The veil of denial lifted and I can clearly see that this man does not care about me or his kids. There is nothing that I can say or do that will make him care about the well being of his children, care about our marriage or to change his mind. We are nothing to him. That realization hurt. It cut me to my core. I felt raw and incredibly stupid. I'm ashamed that I have allowed someone to treat me so poorly for so long. He's criticized, belittled, mocked, taken advantage of and insulted me for years. He's emotionally and mentally abusive. He's physically withholding. But yet I'm still here and talking about working things out. WORKING THINGS OUT!?? What a joke. I'm a fool. The pain and humiliation became unbearable. I was barely functioning. I didn't shower or change for days. What was the point? The one person who should care about me wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I started to feel suicidal. That's when I called the crisis hotline and made an appointment.

My appointment went well. We worked on the suicide issue first and foremost. She wanted to make sure my kids and I were safe. That I wouldn't act on the impulse. So far they've just been thoughts of suicide. She asked if I had a plan. I did. H has a gun in the house and I know where it is. I could have used it at any point but I didn't. My kids are my priority. No matter how much I want this pain to end I could never leave them. She asked for permission to call H. She wanted to ask him get the gun out of the house. She didn't feel comfortable letting me go home knowing there was a gun in the house. I understood and appreciated her concern. It took 2 days of reminding H to put the gun away before he actually did it. That really, really bothered me, I was dying to confront him about it. Part of me wanted to yell at him and rage. the other part of me didn't see the point. I knew no matter what I said, or how many times I said it he wouldn't "hear" me. He chooses not to.



It's been a very rough road emotionally these past few weeks. I've been seeing my therapist 2x a week and am starting to feel a bit more stable emotionally. I'm off to another appointment, I'll try posting more later.