Smell

So I’m well into my second week here at my new job. You can read about the job here. Things are going really good on the job front. I started on a Friday so last week I got paid for one (1) day of work.  It felt great to be getting a paycheck again. I was on cloud 9 the whole commute home Friday afternoon. I packed up the kids and drove to my sister’s house for the weekend. It was great spending the weekend with money to burn. We ate out a few times and took the kids to the park and to the zoo. I thought about drinking a few times but it was just that, a thought. As I mentioned in another post the obsessive/compulsion to drink has lessened. Which has been a big relief. I have another appointment with my Reiki Healer this week which I’m looking forward to.

Therapy has been going well. I beginning to regain some of my self esteem/self worth back. I spent the last 5 years listening to H berate me and my abilities as a wife/mother/woman and I had started to believe it. It’s been very difficult emotionally but I’ve begun to really examine how H’s treatment of me has affected my view and perception of myself. I used to think that it didn’t affect me. After all, I’ve always believed that I’m a good daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife (in spite of the fact that H would disagree. What does he know?!) and mother. I’m fairly easy on the eyes. I’m smart, generous, kind, loving, honest, loyal, cultured, polite...Seeing how I believe all of these positive qualities about myself it was hard for me to acknowledge that my self esteem/self worth has suffered as a result of H’s verbal abuse.  It has though. It’s damaged me on a very fundamental deep level. It took a while to be able to recognize and verbalize it. It took me even longer to admit to myself what I truly feel inside about myself.  It’s very difficult just to write it out here. I’m fighting back tears as I’m typing this but I’m going to put it out there anyway. I realized that I have an intense amount of self-loathing regarding my body. I honestly, truly believe that I smell. As in I’m dirty, unwashed.  I believe that my normal odor is disgusting and offensive. I believe that my hair, my body, my breath, my feet, everything about me smells. I believe that if someone were to get close to me they would be repulsed by me. I literally keep everyone at an arms distance away. It’s crazy. Logically I know that there is no way I can smell THAT bad. I shower every day, sometimes twice a day. My clothes are always freshly laundered. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. I use perfume or scented lotion every single day. There is no logical reason why I would smell dirty but I feel as though I do. I feel as though THAT’S why H never hugs or kisses me. Much less make love to me. But even that line of thinking is faulty. He never gets close enough to me to be able to smell me. How would he know what I smell like?

It’s crazy that no matter how many times I shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth, spray perfume, apply scented lotion, etc. I still believe that I’m dirty and that I smell. It’s ridiculous and so very sad.

As for the current situation with H, things are a little bit worse between us. It's partly due to the fact that I'm angry at the realization at the debth of my self loathing. I know it can't all be his fault but the fact remains that I blame him. I've also begun to see the motive behind his actions towards me. I've realized that he tries to control me. He uses money, manipulation and plain old fashioned insults to keep me 'in line' It doesn't matter what I try to talk to him about (Yesterday it was my request that he help more with dinner preparations since we both work. The fact of the matter is I leave for work 1 hour before he does, my commute is twice what his is and I get home almost @ hours after he does. He's usually asleep when I leave for work and taking a nap when I get home) he always turns it into the opportunity to insult me. According to him he has no intention of helping with dinner because:
1. I don't cook that well to begin with so he refuses to"help" with dinner that I'm going to ruin anyway.
2. If I cleaned the house better he'd be motivated to help but since the house is a mess I don't deserve his help.
3. He refuses to help because all I do is nag about everything so if he were to help I'd still find something to nag about so he doesn't see the point.

This last excuse of his is a real kicker. Are you ready for it?

4. He doesn't feel like helping out so he's not going to. End of story as far as he's concerned.

Things have somewhat shifted from a constant battle between us to me basically telling him "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on asshole" then going on with my life as though he does not exist. It's no way to live but honestly he's not worth the energy or the effort it takes to fight with him. I always lose so I prefer not to engage with him on any level. I try to keep to myself, take care of my kids, go to work and save money so I can move on with my life. I can't wait until that day comes.

Boundaries

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow bright and early @8am. I can’t wait. I literally have a list of items that I need help sorting through. My main problem, aside from the alcohol is co-dependence. I’m sure it’s probably been very obvious to you, my dear reader, but it’s been a bit of an eye opening revelation. 

Once we worked through that the therapist wanted to know what my goal of therapy was going to be from that point forward. After much discussion and self reflection on my part I decided my goal would be to find appropriate boundaries to apply to my current situation. I let H take up entirely too much space in my head. Since moving out is not an option due to financial reasons I need to determine what I need to feel safe emotionally and to enable me to model safe boundaries/self care to my daughter.

The first boundary that popped into my mind was our sleeping arrangement. H has camped out on the couch for over 1 year. Initially I was hurt by it, questioned him incessantly about it, did stuff/wore stuff to try and ‘entice’ him back into our bed. Nothing worked. Eventually I gave up and finally I accepted it. I never, however liked it. I got to the point where I did not want him in my bed but I still did not want to be alone. I’m too young and have too much life left inside of me to be in a celibate, loveless marriage. The last couple of months I’ve toyed with the idea of asking H to move out. I hate feeling like I’m living a lie or pretending to be something or have something (a marriage) that I don’t have. Plus, I have to admit. I really started to enjoy sleeping alone and having the bedroom to myself. Prior to meeting H I lived alone for about 8 years. I had roommates I college and it always turned into a disaster so after college there was no question in my mind. I would live alone. I loved it and missed it desperately after getting married. So much so that shortly after getting married and moving in with H I redecorated the guest bedroom into a “ladies lounge” I had the whole shabby chic, beach theme going on. I put in a bed, loveseat and entire entertainment center. I LOVED it in there. I moved in there permanently when H and I decided to divorce. I moved back out when I found out I was pregnant. I sold everything and redecorated it into a nursery for S.

I know I usually go on and on but let me try to make a very long story short by saying that I decided the first boundary I would establish would be that H move out of our bedroom. S no longer sleeps in her crib. One night she simply refused and that was the end of that. Instead she sleeps on a futon in her room. The futon was intended for my sister and her family when they visit us. S’ crib converts into a toddler bed and eventually a full size bed. I had asked H repeatedly to convert her crib into a toddler bed. He ‘never got around to it” Fine. I decided that H would move into S’ room and I would buy her a toddler bed and put it in my room. It would be tight but if I moved H’s nightstand out there would be more than enough room for me to make a spot for S. I would also request that H take his chest of drawers out and put in S’ chest of drawers but if he didn’t do it immediately that would be ok too. I could live with it. I was committed to doing what I need to do to get by with my boundary firmly in place. I had been stuck in a pattern of letting H redirect any conversation I initiated into an attack against me and my worth. H would purposely do this so I would end up feeling hurt and attempting to defend myself while letting the original issue and him off the hook. My therapist helped me to see this pattern and identify it for what it was. H is manipulating me and refusing to own up to his actions.

I’m going to go on a tangent here but I have to say that in my sessions I spoke of what has gone on in my marriage and how I felt about it. It completely blew me away when the therapist suggested the statements H make towards me are hurtful, the circumstances that I’ve tried so hard to persevere through are emotional and mental torture, the fact that I have needs too and deserve to have them met by my husband is not asking for too much and does not make me a bad wife or mother. Mind you, my therapist is very skilled. She never, ever said a bad or negative word about H.  She listened to my tales of woe and responded with empathy and compassion. Lot’s of, “that must have felt awful, that must have really hurt, that sounds insensitive, of course you’d be hurt, etc.” All very cliché, I know but they struck such a cord within me. I felt validated. Something that I have never felt in this marriage. She made it ok to feel as bad as I feel. I’m not sure if that makes any sense but that’s the only way I can describe it.

Ok, back to my story. I mentally and emotionally prepared myself; I rehearsed what I was going to say. I reminded myself to stick to the topic, not let H railroad me onto another subject. I was going to ignore the attempts to put me on the defensive. Pay no mind to the inevitable insults. I approached H and asked him if he had a moment for me. He said he did and I laid it out: Move out of our bedroom. He had made his wishes/desires towards me clear by sleeping on the couch for the past year. He set a physical boundary between us. I need to set an emotional boundary. I want my bedroom to be my private space for my daughter and I. He has slept on the couch for the past year but he still came in every morning to shower and get ready for work. I want that to stop. I need my room to be my sanctuary away from him and this so-called marriage. I’m done pretending. We live like roommates so we will be just that. Roommates. Naturally he said, “I’ll think about it” in a dismissive tone as he walked away. That stung but I concentrated on breathing through the moment and approached him to initiate the conversation again. Once he realized I would not be put off he reluctantly agreed. This happened Friday evening. We spent our evening as usual. He was in the living room watching TV. I went between the kitchen, outside to blow bubbles with S, laundry room, kids room and my room. H fell asleep on the couch and I went to bed alone.

I woke up about 5am to H snuggling up to me. He scared the heck out of me. I jumped so high I almost hit the ceiling. He was trying to put the moves on me. It kept my head about myself and asked him to refrain from touching me in that way. Too much has happened between us and it’s been too long remember this? He acted all hurt and offended but I paid him no mind. Saturday morning I began putting S bed together. Saturday night he came to bed but kept his hands to himself. Sunday he slept on the couch. Monday he sent me a text, “by the way I’m moving back into our room” I responded that I was not comfortable with that. There was too much distance between us. I didn’t want him in my bed. He text back that he also felt that there was distance and wanted to ‘fix it’ by sleeping in our bed again. I asked him point blank why he left in the first place. Unless he could be honest with himself and me nothing would change. He didn’t respond but slept on the couch. For the past 2 days he’s been very attentive, calling and texting throughout the day. Telling me not to cook dinner so he could pick up my favorite take out and he’s been sleeping in my bed. I hate it. I feel so uncomfortable with him in my bed. It truly feels like sleeping with a stranger. I can’t relax. I doubt he’s going to try anything but I feel as though I’m on guard. I don’t want him touching me. It’s sad but true. I’ve thought of asking him to go back to the couch but I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected by me. As crazy as it sounds I’m worried about causing irreparable damage to our marriage. As if anything could ever repair the damage he’s caused….Told you I was co-dependent!

Bottom line. I do not know what to do. Even after everything that’s happened between us the boundaries of where he ends and I begin are blurred. I plan to discuss this issue with my therapist and work towards a resolution tomorrow. Another goal, suggested by my therapist is to make a connection between my heart and my head. My head knows what is going on and what I need to do but my heart only knows what it feels. That leaves me feeling unhappy, unloved and stuck. That needs to change.

 

Death by 1,000 papercuts.

I'm having difficulty concentrating. I have so much that I want to write about but it's a struggle. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place.

Let me back up a bit and share about a discussion H ad I had a few weeks ago. While on vacation in January I noticed that the boy seemed very preoccupied with H and I. When we arrived in our stateroom he was very interested in the sleeping arrangements. Specifically if H was going to sleep in the same bed with me. He asked me and I answered honestly that I did not know. He asked H and H ignored him. After the boy repeatedly asked him H in turn told him that he he didn't know before eventually saying that yes he was going to sleep in the same bed as me. It turned out to be a lie. Our room had a double bed and bunk beds. That evening H settled into the bottom bunk and went to sleep. During the week I also noticed that the boy seemed to be on alert for any sign of discord between H and I. It was if he was gauging our feelings and temperaments as a way of determining how he felt and if he was ok.  That realization saddened and angered me. Our son shouldn't have to deal with this type of crap. He's just a kid. He's been dreaming about this vacation as long as he can remember. Finally it's here and he can't properly enjoy it. He's caught up in the dysfunction of H and I. A few weeks after we returned I spoke at length to H about what I saw and how I felt about it. I made it very clear that we need to do something. I will not allow this dysfunction to continue. We are potentially damaging our kids on a very fundamental level. The last thing I want is for my kids to grown up and be stuck in unhappy, unfulfilled relationships because that's all they know. I told H that it was time for action. Either we return to therapy and work on rebuilding our marriage or we decide to part amicably and with the best intentions of our kids as the priority. Although it breaks my heart to have to separate my kids I'd much rather have them grow up separate than together in dysfunction. If we can't model a healthy family I'd like to be able to model a healthy separation. In addition I told H that he either move back into our bed or officially move out into the guest room. It's not fair to me or our children to sleep on the couch every night but yet refuse to acknowledge it or take responsibility for his actions. H predictable said that he would, think about it and get back to me. I suggested a time frame of 2 weeks before we'd discuss the matter further. Two weeks passed and when questioned H said that he hadn't had time to think about it. That angered me. It's obvious that he does not care about anyone but himself. He has no desire to do anything to make our situation better or to try and model healthy behavior for his children. We exchanged some tense words but that was pretty much the end of it. Over the subsequent days my anger turned into deep sadness. I think I finally get it. The veil of denial lifted and I can clearly see that this man does not care about me or his kids. There is nothing that I can say or do that will make him care about the well being of his children, care about our marriage or to change his mind. We are nothing to him. That realization hurt. It cut me to my core. I felt raw and incredibly stupid. I'm ashamed that I have allowed someone to treat me so poorly for so long. He's criticized, belittled, mocked, taken advantage of and insulted me for years. He's emotionally and mentally abusive. He's physically withholding. But yet I'm still here and talking about working things out. WORKING THINGS OUT!?? What a joke. I'm a fool. The pain and humiliation became unbearable. I was barely functioning. I didn't shower or change for days. What was the point? The one person who should care about me wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I started to feel suicidal. That's when I called the crisis hotline and made an appointment.

My appointment went well. We worked on the suicide issue first and foremost. She wanted to make sure my kids and I were safe. That I wouldn't act on the impulse. So far they've just been thoughts of suicide. She asked if I had a plan. I did. H has a gun in the house and I know where it is. I could have used it at any point but I didn't. My kids are my priority. No matter how much I want this pain to end I could never leave them. She asked for permission to call H. She wanted to ask him get the gun out of the house. She didn't feel comfortable letting me go home knowing there was a gun in the house. I understood and appreciated her concern. It took 2 days of reminding H to put the gun away before he actually did it. That really, really bothered me, I was dying to confront him about it. Part of me wanted to yell at him and rage. the other part of me didn't see the point. I knew no matter what I said, or how many times I said it he wouldn't "hear" me. He chooses not to.



It's been a very rough road emotionally these past few weeks. I've been seeing my therapist 2x a week and am starting to feel a bit more stable emotionally. I'm off to another appointment, I'll try posting more later.

Therapy

I've been having a very rough time in my marriage this past week. A few very painful issues have been brought to my attention. The pain I'm in is acute. I can't sleep and even breathing is difficult. I have a huge weight on my chest that will not go away. It physically feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. My post about PPD was prompted by the fact that I had that same overwhelming urge to just walk out the door and never come back. My situation feels so hopeless and I'm beginning to see just how destructive this marriage has been to me. It's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally. I want to leave but aside from the fact that I have no place to go, I must remember that wherever I go there I am. I can't run from my marriage or my problems anymore.

I got in touch with a local mental health crisis center and talked about what I've been going through. The compassion I got from the counselor I spoke to completely did me in. I was driving as I spoke to her, I have blue tooth so it's hands free, I was crying so hard I had to pull over. I was referred to a therapist. My first appt. is on Monday. I've felt some measure of relief since making the appointment, although I must admit that writing out this blog has triggered my anxiety and my chest feels very heavy right now.

I have a few breathing exercises that have helped some when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've also been trying to stay in the moment and not obsess about the future. I'm trying to be gentle and patient with myself.

On another, brighter note the kids and I are going back to Disneylnd tomorrow. This time we are celebrating my son's 12th birthday. We got a park hopper ticket so we'll be venturing over to CA Adventre as well. I'm looking forward to it. They have a couple of new attractions the kids and I want to check out.