So Fresh and so clean!

I’m grateful to report that I’m doing ok. I continue to have my moments of sadness but nothing too overwhelming. I’ve realized that it’s not so much the sadness that gets to me it’s the anxiety that often accompanies the sadness. I think the meditations that I’ve been focusing on have really helped to ease most of the anxiety. Mother’s Day was low-key. My nephew hosted a bbq for my mom, sister and I. It was at my sister’s house and I was able to get some much needed rest. My mom and sister are very supportive of my decision to separate from H. This situation has taken a large toll on them as well. I never really gave it much thought before but I can see how difficult it has been for them to witness all of the sadness and pain H has subjected me to. They are mourning the end of my marriage as I am but they are also relieved that I have finally chosen to move on. They love me and want a better life for my daughter and I.

I returned home Sunday night and H continued to ignore me. He’s ignored me since I told him it was over. Actually, I take that back. He sent me a text Sunday morning wishing me a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ that text really bothered me. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but it did. It felt like he was just playing games. I knew for a fact he was playing games when I got home and he continued to ignore me. I used the pent-up hurt and anger to rearrange my daughter’s bedroom. I’m happy to report that I ordered a bed and new linens online. I’ve been sleeping on the futon in my daughter’s room but quite honestly it’s killing my back. I decided to invest in a comfortable bed and bright cheery linens. The bed is being delivered today. The linens should be coming by the end of the week. In the meantime I’m going to stop at a discount linen store on my way home and pick up a sheet set and comforter to tide me over. The bed I ordered is a full size bed and we only have queen sheets. It’s ok though. I like the idea of all new linens on my bed that have never been touched or tainted by H. Last night I moved in a tv that H bought 2 years ago but then decided 2 weeks later that he wanted a bigger tv. He was unable to return the original tv so it’s been sitting in the garage. It’s a brand new 52’ flat screen tv. It’s great. I especially love having my own space. Although the situation is not ideal I’m doing what I can to carve out some personal space away from H and make myself comfortable. I’m taking care of me and it feels good.
I suppose it shouldn’t be surprising that I got a text, of all things, from H today stating the he’s not ready to give up on us and that he has hope although he knows things have been kind of rough he believes we can work it out. He must be insane or stupid to think a few insincere words can erase everything that’s happened between us. Maybe he thinks I’m insane or stupid and will change my mind about the separation. What struck me the most about his text was that there was no apology, no acknowledgement of his behavior, no remorse. As usual all he can think about is what he wants. That’s all that has ever mattered to him. What’s more for him to say that things have been “rough” is the understatement of the year! It’s been torture. Rough would be a walk in the park compared to what he has put me through. My immediate response was to respond with all kinds of profanities but instead I went outside and sat across the street at the watercourt. I gathered my thoughts and simply replied that a reconciliation was not possible. This is the best decision for both of us. The sooner we accept this the sooner we wil be able to move on. Naturally he didn’t respond to my text. That’s fine. I’m comfortable with what I said and my intentions were sincere. I didn’t say the hurtful things that I wanted to say. I was honest while being kind and true to myself.

We’ll I gotta run. It’s just about time to head home. I need to pick up my daughter and then run to the linen store for some fresh clean sheets to put on my new bed. Have a great night everyone 

Starting to see the light

My Reiki Healing session went good. I admit that I was expecting to be “Healed! Cured! All Better!” with one session but that’s not the way it works. It’s very demanding work emotionally. The session brought up all kinds of sadness and despair. I cried the entire time. It started out with my healer, I’ll call her Selene. We started out by having me lie down. Selene placed crystals on various parts of my body and gave me 2 to hold.   She then placed her hands very gently around the top of my head. I could feel the energy of my healer trying to heal me. It was very subtle but it was there. She then moved to my torso. At that point I could ‘see’ what she was seeing. Actually all I saw was blackness. It appeared to be a little shiny but it was jet black. After a few minutes Selene said, “You are really blocked up. It’s like an ink well in here” I was surprised that I was seeing the same thing. She then moved her hands to my breast bone and began to very gently tap. After a few seconds I had the sensation of being on the verge of crying. The sensation quickly grew and became overwhelming. It actually began to HURT. I flinched and she said, “That’s old pain coming up. Your body is releasing it. Don’t be afraid. Just let it all go. Let all the old hurt go. You are safe here.” She tapped and laid her hands on various parts of my body. She requested that I tell her when I felt pain. She didn’t want to hurt me so she would alternate between tapping, removing negative energy and trying to give me positive energy. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I could feel when she removed the energy, or when she helped my body release it and when she was trying to give me positive healing energy. I cried the entire session. I just felt so very, very sad. I’ve known for a while that I’m sad but I had no idea just how sad I really am.  Once it was over we discussed what feelings came up for me during the session and she shared what she felt. We decided that I would see her once a week and then we’d re-evaluate where I was at after 4 sessions. I left feeling calmer and very, very tired. I went home and slept like a baby. I had scheduled another session for the following week.

That weekend H started acting like his usual mean self. I don’t really fell like getting into it but let me just say that we went out with friends Saturday night. He was in a foul mood and seemed to want to pick a fight. I did my best to ignore him attitude. We were all seated at dinner and towards the end of the meal I left to use the ladies room. During that time the bill came and everyone began to figure out what they ate so they could pay their portion. Although I had sat next to H the entire meal he had no idea what I had ordered. The plates had been cleared and I had was in the restroom. As I was washing my hands two of the other ladies from our party came into the restroom. We began chatting and I ended up waiting for them. We all touched up our make-up and went back to the table. At that point the bill had been settled and we were heading out to a nightclub. H pulled me aside and began to berate me for embarrassing him. He was angry because he had no idea what I had ordered for dinner therefore had a difficult time deciding how much he owed. Ultimately he paid what he thought was enough but was livid about it. He went on to insult me, telling me that he hated going places with me, that I always embarrass him, blah, blah. I tried reasoning with him but he refused to be reasoned with. I was this horrible embarrassment to him and I ruined his entire evening. He stormed off. I naively assumed he went to the restroom or outside to cool off. Another couple who had witnessed the exchange but had backed off discretely came forward.  The look of pity in their eyes was awful to see. They didn’t mention the incident but I sensed that they were trying to provide some sense of comfort towards me. After about 10 minutes the guy excused himself to go to the restroom. He was gone a quite a few minutes. When he came back he looked uncomfortable. He asked if I knew where H had went. I must have looked very surprised because he said, “his car is gone but you can ride with us to the nightclub” I declined but they were very sweet and insistent that I continue on with the evening as planned. So I went along and managed to have a fairly nice time. Oh and I drank. Not a bunch but more than I should have. During the evening I called and text H repeatedly but he never responded. Some of the other men in the group attempted to call him as well but he never responded. The couple dropped me of later at home and H’s car was in the driveway. I went inside and he was asleep in our bed. I went and slept in our daughters room. The next morning when I woke up I started really thinking about the evening before. It really sank in that H had picked a fight with me for no reason, insulted and humiliated me in public then left me there without a second thought as to how I would get home or if I would even be ok. He had no idea that one couple would stay behind to make sure I was ok. Most everyone had already left. The couple that stood behind just happened to overhear H and decided to wait it out. All of a sudden it became perfectly clear. I’m done. It’s over. I am never going to let this man hurt, insult or manipulate me ever again. The clarity in which I saw this and the conviction that I felt surprised me. There have been many, many instances over the years where I told myself that exact same thing but it was usually fueled by anger, or a desire for revenge (I’ll show him!) or complete and utter defeat. This time was different. I don’t know how to explain it but it came from a sense of calmness inside of me. I showered in the guest room and prepared myself for what I was going to do next. I went into the living room where he was watching sports. I told him that we needed to talk. He barely glanced my way or acknowledged me. I got the remote and turned off the tv. Then I looked him in the face and said, “It’s over. As of this moment we are no longer married. Although I’m not in a position to move out of this house physically I’m moving into our daughter’s bedroom until I can move out permanently. I am no longer going to allow you to insult and humiliate me. You have done me wrong for the very last time. I am breaking the tie that binds us. I am NOT your wife and you are not my husband” I know it sounds very dramatic but at that moment I meant every word with all of my heart. I walked away feeling a huge sense of relief. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my head and my heart. That day I began moving into my daughter’s room. H never said a word while I spoke and has ignored me every day since then. After the initial euphoria wore off I began to feel sad about the ending of my marriage but I have not had one single second thought or regret about my decision to end our marriage. The sadness comes in waves and I try my best to simply feel the sadness. I don’t stuff it down, try to ignore it or tell myself that it doesn’t matter or that I don’t care. It does matter and I do care. I took my marriage vows seriously, I believed that this was the person for me and that we would be together forever. To see it fall apart hurts very deeply however my decision remains the same. I’m done. I am no longer his wife. He is not my husband. It’s over.

Panther

I've been feeling so much better. My therapy sessions have helped me manage my emotions and put situations in perspective when I'm feeling overwhelmed. However I was still feeling tightly wound up. I've continued to grind my teeth at night, clench my teeth during the day, get daily headaches and constant body aches. My therapist suggested I look into yoga, massage therapy or meditation. I feel so low on energy I didn't think I could muster the effort to try yoga. I don't want anyone to touch me so massage was out. That left meditation. I was skeptical to say they least but I figured it was worth a shot. At least I can say that I tried, right?

I did some research and found a local Sanctuary/Studio. They offer a wide range of holistic therapies including guided meditation and yoga. I looked over their website and and noticed they also offered seminars on various topics. The following seminar caught my eye:

Energy Management 101: Purification & Protection 

Protection comes naturally through the process of purification and ascension.  It is by working with the highest vibrations that we are able to repel the lower vibrational energies from our bodies and our lives.  An in-depth discussion of energy will teach participants about the world of energy and will help us to identify what it is within ourselves that may attract negativity towards us.  Awareness and taking responsibility for one's own energy are the first steps which allow us to walk between the Spiritual and Physical worlds without fear.

Participants will learn how to manage their own energy through the process of purification and clearing away of negative energy which creates space to allow blessings to enter into our life.  There will be an in depth discussion of energy and how to channel it for the purposes of protection, blessing and purifying objects, our bodies and personal space. Energy enhancing exercises will be practiced to strengthen and purify the aura as well as techniques on circle casting, shielding and more.  Participants will also learn how to create holy water and make purifying salt scrubs. 

Ok. I'll admit it. The part about identifying what it is within ourselves that attracts negative energy is what initially intrigued me. Clearing negative energy, creating apace to allow blessings to enter, purify my aura? Ok, I wouldn't mind trying that. I wasn't convinced it would work but it was worth a shot. As for the circle casting, shielding and lets not forget creating holy water and making a purifying scrub. Well I thought it was all rubbish. I figured it would be entertaining at most.

I don't think I have ever been more wrong. Seriously. The entire experience was better than I could have imagined. The guided meditation was unbelievable. I had a hard time following where we were being guided. There was talk of a forest but all I saw was a meadow with a creek running along it that backed into the side of a cave. I tried to follow the guide but eventually gave up. I just let myself go where it wanted. We were instructed to find our "guide" It could be anything animal, angel, etc. My mind started to resist but I tried to ignore my skepticism and focus on the meditation. It was challenging but I managed to do an ok job. The meditation wasn't very long, maybe 10 minutes. After we were done we were invited to share our experience. My initial impression was that I hadn't gotten anything out of it and most likely hadn't done it right so I decided to share my experience.

• I shared not being able to stay in the forest. I kept ending up by the creek. 
• The animal that came to me was a black panther.
• We were instructed to ask our guide, in my case the panther, what it's name was and how I could call upon it. My panther didn't answer me. I don't think it can talk.
• When the panther came up to me it simply stood next to me. Instinctively I put my hand on its head but that was it. The panther didn't guide me anywhere or share some impressive insight. It just stood there and basically paid no attention to me. 

I was blown away by the feedback that I got. Here is what having a black panther as a guide represents:

The panther is a very powerful and ancient totem. It is generally associated with a particular species of leopard or jaguar although the cougar is also referred to as panther. As with most of the large cats, the panther is a symbol of ferocity and valor. It embodies aggressiveness and power.The panther has over 500 voluntary muscles that they are capable of using at will. This reflects a great deal about an individual who has such animals as a totem. It reflects an ability to do a variety of tasks as he or she wills. It is simply a matter of deciding and putting to use those particular “muscles,” be they physical, mental, psychic, or spiritual. 

As a whole panthers are loners (solitary) although they do associate with others, they are most comfortable by themselves or within their own marked territory. They are drawn to those individuals who are likewise often solitary.Panther is secretive, silent, and graceful in her every move. She is solitary by choice, she tells little though listens much. She is careful not to share too much information, only enough to ease curious minds. Panther is often a symbol of darkness, death, and rebirth from out of it. There still exists in humanity a primitive fear of the dark and of death. The Black Panther helps you to understand the dark and death and the inherent powers of them; and thus by acknowledging them, eliminate your fears and learn to use the powers. This is the totem of greater assertion of feminine in all her aspects: child, virgin, seductress, mother, warrioress, seeress, and the old wise woman.

When the Black Panther enters your life as a totem, it awakens the inner passions. This is capable of manifesting in unbridled expressions of baser powers and instincts. It is also capable reflecting an awakening of the kundalini, signaling a time of not just coming into one’s own power. More so, the keynote of the Black Panther is Reclaiming One’s True Power. The panther always brings guardian energy to those to whom it comes. The panther often signals a time of rebirth after a period of suffering and death on some level. This implies that an old issue may finally begin to be resolved, or even that old longstanding wounds will finally begin to heal, and with the healing will come a reclaiming of power that was lost at the time of wounding.

Nietzsche once said, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” It is this same idea that is awakened in the lives of those who open to the power of the panther totem. The panther marks a new turn in the heroic path of those to whom it comes. It truly reflects more than just coming into one’s own power. Rather it reflects a reclaiming of that which was lost and an intimate connection with the great archetypal force behind it. It gives an ability to go beyond what has been imagined, with opportunity to do so with discipline and control. It is the spirit of imminent rebirth.”

Now the regular followers of my blog will understand just how significant it is that a panther came to guide me. Also, remember that creek I kept seeing? Well panthers are usually found near water and caves. The reason it didn't tell me it's name is because when I asked it the answer it gave me was not of it's name. It said, "You don't have to call me because I am always with you. I never leave you. I walk side by side with you." I can imagine how corny this might seem but it is the truth. This is what the panther told me. I cried when he said that. It touched a place so deep inside of me. I could feel in his words that he was telling me the truth. His words made perfect sense. Somehow on another level of my awareness I knew that he HAS always been with me. I cried. The experience was so very powerful.

 I don't want to make this too long but I still have so much to share about my experience. I don't think I can cover it all in one blog post. I'll stop now, hopefully I've given you something to chew on. 

Boundaries

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow bright and early @8am. I can’t wait. I literally have a list of items that I need help sorting through. My main problem, aside from the alcohol is co-dependence. I’m sure it’s probably been very obvious to you, my dear reader, but it’s been a bit of an eye opening revelation. 

Once we worked through that the therapist wanted to know what my goal of therapy was going to be from that point forward. After much discussion and self reflection on my part I decided my goal would be to find appropriate boundaries to apply to my current situation. I let H take up entirely too much space in my head. Since moving out is not an option due to financial reasons I need to determine what I need to feel safe emotionally and to enable me to model safe boundaries/self care to my daughter.

The first boundary that popped into my mind was our sleeping arrangement. H has camped out on the couch for over 1 year. Initially I was hurt by it, questioned him incessantly about it, did stuff/wore stuff to try and ‘entice’ him back into our bed. Nothing worked. Eventually I gave up and finally I accepted it. I never, however liked it. I got to the point where I did not want him in my bed but I still did not want to be alone. I’m too young and have too much life left inside of me to be in a celibate, loveless marriage. The last couple of months I’ve toyed with the idea of asking H to move out. I hate feeling like I’m living a lie or pretending to be something or have something (a marriage) that I don’t have. Plus, I have to admit. I really started to enjoy sleeping alone and having the bedroom to myself. Prior to meeting H I lived alone for about 8 years. I had roommates I college and it always turned into a disaster so after college there was no question in my mind. I would live alone. I loved it and missed it desperately after getting married. So much so that shortly after getting married and moving in with H I redecorated the guest bedroom into a “ladies lounge” I had the whole shabby chic, beach theme going on. I put in a bed, loveseat and entire entertainment center. I LOVED it in there. I moved in there permanently when H and I decided to divorce. I moved back out when I found out I was pregnant. I sold everything and redecorated it into a nursery for S.

I know I usually go on and on but let me try to make a very long story short by saying that I decided the first boundary I would establish would be that H move out of our bedroom. S no longer sleeps in her crib. One night she simply refused and that was the end of that. Instead she sleeps on a futon in her room. The futon was intended for my sister and her family when they visit us. S’ crib converts into a toddler bed and eventually a full size bed. I had asked H repeatedly to convert her crib into a toddler bed. He ‘never got around to it” Fine. I decided that H would move into S’ room and I would buy her a toddler bed and put it in my room. It would be tight but if I moved H’s nightstand out there would be more than enough room for me to make a spot for S. I would also request that H take his chest of drawers out and put in S’ chest of drawers but if he didn’t do it immediately that would be ok too. I could live with it. I was committed to doing what I need to do to get by with my boundary firmly in place. I had been stuck in a pattern of letting H redirect any conversation I initiated into an attack against me and my worth. H would purposely do this so I would end up feeling hurt and attempting to defend myself while letting the original issue and him off the hook. My therapist helped me to see this pattern and identify it for what it was. H is manipulating me and refusing to own up to his actions.

I’m going to go on a tangent here but I have to say that in my sessions I spoke of what has gone on in my marriage and how I felt about it. It completely blew me away when the therapist suggested the statements H make towards me are hurtful, the circumstances that I’ve tried so hard to persevere through are emotional and mental torture, the fact that I have needs too and deserve to have them met by my husband is not asking for too much and does not make me a bad wife or mother. Mind you, my therapist is very skilled. She never, ever said a bad or negative word about H.  She listened to my tales of woe and responded with empathy and compassion. Lot’s of, “that must have felt awful, that must have really hurt, that sounds insensitive, of course you’d be hurt, etc.” All very cliché, I know but they struck such a cord within me. I felt validated. Something that I have never felt in this marriage. She made it ok to feel as bad as I feel. I’m not sure if that makes any sense but that’s the only way I can describe it.

Ok, back to my story. I mentally and emotionally prepared myself; I rehearsed what I was going to say. I reminded myself to stick to the topic, not let H railroad me onto another subject. I was going to ignore the attempts to put me on the defensive. Pay no mind to the inevitable insults. I approached H and asked him if he had a moment for me. He said he did and I laid it out: Move out of our bedroom. He had made his wishes/desires towards me clear by sleeping on the couch for the past year. He set a physical boundary between us. I need to set an emotional boundary. I want my bedroom to be my private space for my daughter and I. He has slept on the couch for the past year but he still came in every morning to shower and get ready for work. I want that to stop. I need my room to be my sanctuary away from him and this so-called marriage. I’m done pretending. We live like roommates so we will be just that. Roommates. Naturally he said, “I’ll think about it” in a dismissive tone as he walked away. That stung but I concentrated on breathing through the moment and approached him to initiate the conversation again. Once he realized I would not be put off he reluctantly agreed. This happened Friday evening. We spent our evening as usual. He was in the living room watching TV. I went between the kitchen, outside to blow bubbles with S, laundry room, kids room and my room. H fell asleep on the couch and I went to bed alone.

I woke up about 5am to H snuggling up to me. He scared the heck out of me. I jumped so high I almost hit the ceiling. He was trying to put the moves on me. It kept my head about myself and asked him to refrain from touching me in that way. Too much has happened between us and it’s been too long remember this? He acted all hurt and offended but I paid him no mind. Saturday morning I began putting S bed together. Saturday night he came to bed but kept his hands to himself. Sunday he slept on the couch. Monday he sent me a text, “by the way I’m moving back into our room” I responded that I was not comfortable with that. There was too much distance between us. I didn’t want him in my bed. He text back that he also felt that there was distance and wanted to ‘fix it’ by sleeping in our bed again. I asked him point blank why he left in the first place. Unless he could be honest with himself and me nothing would change. He didn’t respond but slept on the couch. For the past 2 days he’s been very attentive, calling and texting throughout the day. Telling me not to cook dinner so he could pick up my favorite take out and he’s been sleeping in my bed. I hate it. I feel so uncomfortable with him in my bed. It truly feels like sleeping with a stranger. I can’t relax. I doubt he’s going to try anything but I feel as though I’m on guard. I don’t want him touching me. It’s sad but true. I’ve thought of asking him to go back to the couch but I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected by me. As crazy as it sounds I’m worried about causing irreparable damage to our marriage. As if anything could ever repair the damage he’s caused….Told you I was co-dependent!

Bottom line. I do not know what to do. Even after everything that’s happened between us the boundaries of where he ends and I begin are blurred. I plan to discuss this issue with my therapist and work towards a resolution tomorrow. Another goal, suggested by my therapist is to make a connection between my heart and my head. My head knows what is going on and what I need to do but my heart only knows what it feels. That leaves me feeling unhappy, unloved and stuck. That needs to change.

 

Death by 1,000 papercuts.

I'm having difficulty concentrating. I have so much that I want to write about but it's a struggle. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place.

Let me back up a bit and share about a discussion H ad I had a few weeks ago. While on vacation in January I noticed that the boy seemed very preoccupied with H and I. When we arrived in our stateroom he was very interested in the sleeping arrangements. Specifically if H was going to sleep in the same bed with me. He asked me and I answered honestly that I did not know. He asked H and H ignored him. After the boy repeatedly asked him H in turn told him that he he didn't know before eventually saying that yes he was going to sleep in the same bed as me. It turned out to be a lie. Our room had a double bed and bunk beds. That evening H settled into the bottom bunk and went to sleep. During the week I also noticed that the boy seemed to be on alert for any sign of discord between H and I. It was if he was gauging our feelings and temperaments as a way of determining how he felt and if he was ok.  That realization saddened and angered me. Our son shouldn't have to deal with this type of crap. He's just a kid. He's been dreaming about this vacation as long as he can remember. Finally it's here and he can't properly enjoy it. He's caught up in the dysfunction of H and I. A few weeks after we returned I spoke at length to H about what I saw and how I felt about it. I made it very clear that we need to do something. I will not allow this dysfunction to continue. We are potentially damaging our kids on a very fundamental level. The last thing I want is for my kids to grown up and be stuck in unhappy, unfulfilled relationships because that's all they know. I told H that it was time for action. Either we return to therapy and work on rebuilding our marriage or we decide to part amicably and with the best intentions of our kids as the priority. Although it breaks my heart to have to separate my kids I'd much rather have them grow up separate than together in dysfunction. If we can't model a healthy family I'd like to be able to model a healthy separation. In addition I told H that he either move back into our bed or officially move out into the guest room. It's not fair to me or our children to sleep on the couch every night but yet refuse to acknowledge it or take responsibility for his actions. H predictable said that he would, think about it and get back to me. I suggested a time frame of 2 weeks before we'd discuss the matter further. Two weeks passed and when questioned H said that he hadn't had time to think about it. That angered me. It's obvious that he does not care about anyone but himself. He has no desire to do anything to make our situation better or to try and model healthy behavior for his children. We exchanged some tense words but that was pretty much the end of it. Over the subsequent days my anger turned into deep sadness. I think I finally get it. The veil of denial lifted and I can clearly see that this man does not care about me or his kids. There is nothing that I can say or do that will make him care about the well being of his children, care about our marriage or to change his mind. We are nothing to him. That realization hurt. It cut me to my core. I felt raw and incredibly stupid. I'm ashamed that I have allowed someone to treat me so poorly for so long. He's criticized, belittled, mocked, taken advantage of and insulted me for years. He's emotionally and mentally abusive. He's physically withholding. But yet I'm still here and talking about working things out. WORKING THINGS OUT!?? What a joke. I'm a fool. The pain and humiliation became unbearable. I was barely functioning. I didn't shower or change for days. What was the point? The one person who should care about me wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I started to feel suicidal. That's when I called the crisis hotline and made an appointment.

My appointment went well. We worked on the suicide issue first and foremost. She wanted to make sure my kids and I were safe. That I wouldn't act on the impulse. So far they've just been thoughts of suicide. She asked if I had a plan. I did. H has a gun in the house and I know where it is. I could have used it at any point but I didn't. My kids are my priority. No matter how much I want this pain to end I could never leave them. She asked for permission to call H. She wanted to ask him get the gun out of the house. She didn't feel comfortable letting me go home knowing there was a gun in the house. I understood and appreciated her concern. It took 2 days of reminding H to put the gun away before he actually did it. That really, really bothered me, I was dying to confront him about it. Part of me wanted to yell at him and rage. the other part of me didn't see the point. I knew no matter what I said, or how many times I said it he wouldn't "hear" me. He chooses not to.



It's been a very rough road emotionally these past few weeks. I've been seeing my therapist 2x a week and am starting to feel a bit more stable emotionally. I'm off to another appointment, I'll try posting more later.