Trying to keep it together.

I’m feeling drained today. The kids and I had a fun weekend but it was stressful on an emotional level for me. H is trying to play some sort of mind game and it’s taking a lot of energy to simply ignore it. Last week he invited me to the basketball play-off game for Friday night. His invitation upset me on many levels. First of all we are SEPARATED. He’s made it very clear on numerous occasions that he has no interest in going anywhere with me. He’s been to quite a few sporting events the past year (as usual) and has only invited me to 1 game. That was after the time he called me stupid. Remember this post? I think it was his way of trying to smooth things over between us. Anyway he invited me to Friday’s game and I declined. I was bothered that he would invite me. He’s made it very clear on several occasions how much he hates going places with me.  Either he tells me I’m not invited or when we do go some place together he sets out to be rude, insult and humiliate me. After the last incident when he left me at the restaurant I decided to separate. I made it very clear that I have no intention of ever going anyplace with him again. I released him of any obligation to spend time with me. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. So what does he do? He decides to invite me on a date. I declined so he went on to say that he was NOT going to take no for an answer. He said I was being stubborn and acting like a stick in the mud. Great, more insults! He said he was going to continue to ask me until I agreed to go with him. I alternated between ignoring his invitation or responding with a terse No thanks. After a while he started adding ‘incentives’ he said he would get me a new iphone, a new designer purse, etc if I agreed to go with him. His offer made me very angry. How dare he think that I can be bought.  There isn’t enough money or gifts in the world to get me to go anywhere with him. I didn’t really want to get into it but I reminded him that he told me he hates going places with me and that I’m an embarrassment to him. I suggested he ask someone else instead. He looked me straight in the face and denied all of it. Every horrible, insulting thing he said to me. Denied. All. Of. It.  It’s incredible how deep his denial goes. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and refuses to accept my decision to separate. He acts as though he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m just being difficult by setting my boundaries and refusing to remain in a destructive relationship with him. At times it’s infuriating but mostly it’s just sad.

This weekend I took the kids HERE for ice cream and to check out the new pins. I try to take them once a month and H never goes with us. Naturally this time he insisted on coming with us. It was awful. He spent the entire time checking his phone and ignoring the kids and I. Having him there was worse than going without him. His energy is so negative. All he did was ruin everyone’s good time. Although to be honest S didn’t notice a thing but the boy did. I could see him watching his dad and trying to guage his mood. We usually check out the pins, have a sundae then walk around H-Wood Blvd reading the stars. Our last stop is always HERE  where we have fun matching up our hands and feet to the different imprints. This time the boy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and after our ice cream he said he didn’t feel like walking around. I’m pretty sure the boy said that for his dad’s benefit since H looked bored the entire time we were there but I let it go. Truth be told I didn’t feel like doing our usual routine either. H being there was putting a damper on the day.

Yesterday was a little bit better. I hid out in my room most of the morning. I started to go stir crazy around 11am so I decided to take the kids to DCA. I’ve been working the past few weeks so I decided to splurge on annual passes for the kids and I. (Thank goodness I bought our passes 2 weeks ago since the prices of the passes/tickets went up yesterday. I though the price I paid for the pass was expensive. Now it’s outrageous!)  We got there by noon and had a great time. Our visits used to be focused on getting on the rides and we never paid much attention to the shows. Since we now have a pass we were able to see a show and not feel like we were missing out on the rides. Speaking of my job. This might be my last week here. I’m on assignment through an agency and it’s scheduled to end 5/24 but there’s the possibility that it could be extended. I’ll know more within the next few days. I’m hoping it will be extended because I don’t want to go back to staying at home but I’m not going to worry about it.  If it doesn’t get extended I have faith that something else will come along for me.  

Happy un-anniversary to me.

I expected this day to be incredibly difficult. Today would have been our wedding anniversary. I woke up and felt a sense of sadness but it wasn't overwhelming. I thought about my wedding at various points throughout the day. I shed a few tears but they felt cleansing. Not like tears of despair. I met a friend for dinner and thought about ordering a drink but I really didn't feel like drinking. I didn't want to go home and see H so I came to my moms house. S stood with her when I went to dinner. We just finished having cookies and milk. We are in bed and about to go to sleep. Although my day wasn't as heart wrenching as I had feared I feel emotionally exhausted and very sad. That's ok though. I'm going to feel the feelings. This too shall pass.

Starting to see the light

My Reiki Healing session went good. I admit that I was expecting to be “Healed! Cured! All Better!” with one session but that’s not the way it works. It’s very demanding work emotionally. The session brought up all kinds of sadness and despair. I cried the entire time. It started out with my healer, I’ll call her Selene. We started out by having me lie down. Selene placed crystals on various parts of my body and gave me 2 to hold.   She then placed her hands very gently around the top of my head. I could feel the energy of my healer trying to heal me. It was very subtle but it was there. She then moved to my torso. At that point I could ‘see’ what she was seeing. Actually all I saw was blackness. It appeared to be a little shiny but it was jet black. After a few minutes Selene said, “You are really blocked up. It’s like an ink well in here” I was surprised that I was seeing the same thing. She then moved her hands to my breast bone and began to very gently tap. After a few seconds I had the sensation of being on the verge of crying. The sensation quickly grew and became overwhelming. It actually began to HURT. I flinched and she said, “That’s old pain coming up. Your body is releasing it. Don’t be afraid. Just let it all go. Let all the old hurt go. You are safe here.” She tapped and laid her hands on various parts of my body. She requested that I tell her when I felt pain. She didn’t want to hurt me so she would alternate between tapping, removing negative energy and trying to give me positive energy. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I could feel when she removed the energy, or when she helped my body release it and when she was trying to give me positive healing energy. I cried the entire session. I just felt so very, very sad. I’ve known for a while that I’m sad but I had no idea just how sad I really am.  Once it was over we discussed what feelings came up for me during the session and she shared what she felt. We decided that I would see her once a week and then we’d re-evaluate where I was at after 4 sessions. I left feeling calmer and very, very tired. I went home and slept like a baby. I had scheduled another session for the following week.

That weekend H started acting like his usual mean self. I don’t really fell like getting into it but let me just say that we went out with friends Saturday night. He was in a foul mood and seemed to want to pick a fight. I did my best to ignore him attitude. We were all seated at dinner and towards the end of the meal I left to use the ladies room. During that time the bill came and everyone began to figure out what they ate so they could pay their portion. Although I had sat next to H the entire meal he had no idea what I had ordered. The plates had been cleared and I had was in the restroom. As I was washing my hands two of the other ladies from our party came into the restroom. We began chatting and I ended up waiting for them. We all touched up our make-up and went back to the table. At that point the bill had been settled and we were heading out to a nightclub. H pulled me aside and began to berate me for embarrassing him. He was angry because he had no idea what I had ordered for dinner therefore had a difficult time deciding how much he owed. Ultimately he paid what he thought was enough but was livid about it. He went on to insult me, telling me that he hated going places with me, that I always embarrass him, blah, blah. I tried reasoning with him but he refused to be reasoned with. I was this horrible embarrassment to him and I ruined his entire evening. He stormed off. I naively assumed he went to the restroom or outside to cool off. Another couple who had witnessed the exchange but had backed off discretely came forward.  The look of pity in their eyes was awful to see. They didn’t mention the incident but I sensed that they were trying to provide some sense of comfort towards me. After about 10 minutes the guy excused himself to go to the restroom. He was gone a quite a few minutes. When he came back he looked uncomfortable. He asked if I knew where H had went. I must have looked very surprised because he said, “his car is gone but you can ride with us to the nightclub” I declined but they were very sweet and insistent that I continue on with the evening as planned. So I went along and managed to have a fairly nice time. Oh and I drank. Not a bunch but more than I should have. During the evening I called and text H repeatedly but he never responded. Some of the other men in the group attempted to call him as well but he never responded. The couple dropped me of later at home and H’s car was in the driveway. I went inside and he was asleep in our bed. I went and slept in our daughters room. The next morning when I woke up I started really thinking about the evening before. It really sank in that H had picked a fight with me for no reason, insulted and humiliated me in public then left me there without a second thought as to how I would get home or if I would even be ok. He had no idea that one couple would stay behind to make sure I was ok. Most everyone had already left. The couple that stood behind just happened to overhear H and decided to wait it out. All of a sudden it became perfectly clear. I’m done. It’s over. I am never going to let this man hurt, insult or manipulate me ever again. The clarity in which I saw this and the conviction that I felt surprised me. There have been many, many instances over the years where I told myself that exact same thing but it was usually fueled by anger, or a desire for revenge (I’ll show him!) or complete and utter defeat. This time was different. I don’t know how to explain it but it came from a sense of calmness inside of me. I showered in the guest room and prepared myself for what I was going to do next. I went into the living room where he was watching sports. I told him that we needed to talk. He barely glanced my way or acknowledged me. I got the remote and turned off the tv. Then I looked him in the face and said, “It’s over. As of this moment we are no longer married. Although I’m not in a position to move out of this house physically I’m moving into our daughter’s bedroom until I can move out permanently. I am no longer going to allow you to insult and humiliate me. You have done me wrong for the very last time. I am breaking the tie that binds us. I am NOT your wife and you are not my husband” I know it sounds very dramatic but at that moment I meant every word with all of my heart. I walked away feeling a huge sense of relief. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my head and my heart. That day I began moving into my daughter’s room. H never said a word while I spoke and has ignored me every day since then. After the initial euphoria wore off I began to feel sad about the ending of my marriage but I have not had one single second thought or regret about my decision to end our marriage. The sadness comes in waves and I try my best to simply feel the sadness. I don’t stuff it down, try to ignore it or tell myself that it doesn’t matter or that I don’t care. It does matter and I do care. I took my marriage vows seriously, I believed that this was the person for me and that we would be together forever. To see it fall apart hurts very deeply however my decision remains the same. I’m done. I am no longer his wife. He is not my husband. It’s over.

Chakra

Every single day my intention is to blog here but the days fly by now that I’m working. Today I’m going to take a much needed break and finally finish blogging about my first seminar with the holistic healer. You can read the first part here.

After we meditated we partnered up and worked on casting a circle.  She discussed how it’s done then she went on to discuss the various types of images we could use in order to envision a circle around us. She suggested we use fire. She guided us through the exercise. She told us to imagine how our fire would look. She talked about what she saw when envisioning her circle of fire. She saw great big purple flames. She said the fire could be anything we wanted it to be. My partner went first. Once her circle was firmly established I was supposed to reach towards her and try to ‘feel’ her circle. I put my hands out and slowly walked towards her. I tried to leave my mind open and simply feel around for it. I had no idea what it would feel like or if I would even be able to feel it but I did. It felt warm and my fingers started to tingle. I moved away from it and then tried going forward again to see if I had really felt it. Sure enough. It was there. It was amazing. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before.

Next it was my turn. I tried envisioning my circle, I imagined what my flame would look like. What I saw were little flames. They looked like pilot lights. You know that sorry little light you have on your stove’s pilot or the pilot on a water heater? My circle was ringed by those sorry little flames. No matter how hard I tried all I couldn’t seem to make the fire bigger. Once my circle was as established as it was going to get I invited my partner to feel my circle. She moved forward and when she came upon it I somehow sensed that she had found it. I could literally feel her touching it. I was in shock. I hadn’t really believed that I would be able to cast a circle, much less have anyone be able to feel it. What happened next shocked me even more. She felt around for a few seconds then gasped. She said, “OH! It’s cold. Why is it so cold?” She continued to feel around my circle and insisted that it felt cold. I tried explaining to her the size of my flames and figured that would be why it was cool to the touch. She was so perturbed at what she was feeling she called over our teacher/healer. She came over and felt on my right side by my shoulder. She agreed that my circle felt a little cool but seemed to accept my explanation of the size of my flame. She advised me to practice my circle and work on building my flame up. My partner on the other hand was not satisfied with what she was hearing. She kept insisting that my lower left side was cold. Not cool but cold. The healer stood in front of me for a few minutes (to gather herself I suppose) then reached out and felt where my partner had indicated. I could see in her face that there was definitely “something” there. She stepped back and told me to wait one second. She went over to the table where her belongings were and consulted some sort of pendulum for a few seconds. She came back and asked for permission to enter my circle. I told her to go ahead and she felt around various parts of my body. I could tell that she was considering just how much she should say to me. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully. She told me that my Chakra appears to be blocked in this area, as she motioned to my torso. She said I would be a good candidate for a one-on-one healing. I asked her specifically what was blocked and she replied that my Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra’s appeared to be completely blocked. She said she could feel quite a few blockages but would need more time to explore what was going on before giving me a definite answer but there was no doubt that my Spleen (Sacral) chakra was completely blocked. She could feel that for certain. I agreed that I would come back for a one-on-one session but didn’t think much about having a blocked Sacral Chakra. I had no idea what that meant, at the time…Since then I have researched it and all I can say is that I am not surprised. Being in the loveless/sexless/verbally abusive, emotionally and spiritually draining marriage that I am in would block the hell out of anyone’s Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra!

Next we worked on shielding ourselves. Sometimes it’s not always practical to erect an entire circle around us. In those instances we can shield ourselves. The exercise was similar to the circle exercise. We were to envision our shield. It could be anything we wanted it to be. We were just supposed to go with any imagine that came to mind. She gave examples of the different types of shields people use. My partner went first and when it was my turn to feel it I was able to clearly feel where is began and where it ended. It started just above her shoulders and ended by her waist. It wasn’t very big. It felt fairly compact. Initially I thought I was imagining where it started and stopped so you can imagine my surprise when she told me I was 100% correct. Her shield was her guide animal which was an eagle. She said she was holding it up in front of her at her waist and it ended by her shoulder. She was able to see over the eagle that was shielding her.

On a side note, you would think that by this point of the seminar I would cease to be surprised or amazed at the stuff I was learning and able to detect but I wasn’t. I guess I really am that thick J

Ok. Now it was my turn. I imagined my shield and what I saw was this huge wall. It was silver and looked like a traditional shield would look only it started at the floor and was very high and wide. I couldn’t see over it. I couldn’t pick it up, I couldn’t move it. The shield completely covered me. I tried and tried to make it smaller. I kept thinking to myself, how am I supposed to defend myself with this shield? It’s more like a wall that a shield. I can’t see what’s going on with this thing in my way. Finally I gave up trying to make it smaller and invited my partner to feel it. I can’t explain it but I sensed when she touched it. She couldn’t believe how big it was. She kept trying to figure out where it began and where it ended but she couldn’t. Finally she gave up and said, I know it’s metal. My fingers tingled when I touched it but that’s all I can tell. It’s huge, like a metal wall but it’s not a wall, right? It can’t be a wall…” I started laughing and told her that yes, my shield was a wall. At this point the other students had gathered that there was something going on with me. I cried during the meditation when our guides came to us. They knew that although I didn’t think I was doing the meditation right it was perfect for my situation and the animal that chose me, Panther. They had listened with interest as the healer told me my chakra was blocked. A few had even asked if they could feel my circle. I let them. Now they were watching my partner and I with curiosity. I invited everyone to feel my shield/wall and they were all amazed at how much energy was in it. They all said they felt their hands tingle when they felt it and could sense how large it was. The healer explained that although she didn’t know my whole story what she had learned about me that day was enough to convince her that a huge wall of a shield was just what I needed.  

Our next exercise was to make holy water and cleansing sea salt bath scrub. I didn’t have any earth shattering revelations during that exercise. Although showering with the scrub does leave me feeling very refreshed mentally and physically. I love it!

Tonight I have my one-on-one healing session. Finally. I was supposed to go last week but I was forced to reschedule. I can’t wait until my appointment. I am really looking forward to it. We are going to work on unblocking my chakra’s, healing emotionally and spiritually and on my addiction to alcohol. I’ve scheduled a 2 hour session. I’ll post about my experience tomorrow.

Smell

So I’m well into my second week here at my new job. You can read about the job here. Things are going really good on the job front. I started on a Friday so last week I got paid for one (1) day of work.  It felt great to be getting a paycheck again. I was on cloud 9 the whole commute home Friday afternoon. I packed up the kids and drove to my sister’s house for the weekend. It was great spending the weekend with money to burn. We ate out a few times and took the kids to the park and to the zoo. I thought about drinking a few times but it was just that, a thought. As I mentioned in another post the obsessive/compulsion to drink has lessened. Which has been a big relief. I have another appointment with my Reiki Healer this week which I’m looking forward to.

Therapy has been going well. I beginning to regain some of my self esteem/self worth back. I spent the last 5 years listening to H berate me and my abilities as a wife/mother/woman and I had started to believe it. It’s been very difficult emotionally but I’ve begun to really examine how H’s treatment of me has affected my view and perception of myself. I used to think that it didn’t affect me. After all, I’ve always believed that I’m a good daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife (in spite of the fact that H would disagree. What does he know?!) and mother. I’m fairly easy on the eyes. I’m smart, generous, kind, loving, honest, loyal, cultured, polite...Seeing how I believe all of these positive qualities about myself it was hard for me to acknowledge that my self esteem/self worth has suffered as a result of H’s verbal abuse.  It has though. It’s damaged me on a very fundamental deep level. It took a while to be able to recognize and verbalize it. It took me even longer to admit to myself what I truly feel inside about myself.  It’s very difficult just to write it out here. I’m fighting back tears as I’m typing this but I’m going to put it out there anyway. I realized that I have an intense amount of self-loathing regarding my body. I honestly, truly believe that I smell. As in I’m dirty, unwashed.  I believe that my normal odor is disgusting and offensive. I believe that my hair, my body, my breath, my feet, everything about me smells. I believe that if someone were to get close to me they would be repulsed by me. I literally keep everyone at an arms distance away. It’s crazy. Logically I know that there is no way I can smell THAT bad. I shower every day, sometimes twice a day. My clothes are always freshly laundered. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. I use perfume or scented lotion every single day. There is no logical reason why I would smell dirty but I feel as though I do. I feel as though THAT’S why H never hugs or kisses me. Much less make love to me. But even that line of thinking is faulty. He never gets close enough to me to be able to smell me. How would he know what I smell like?

It’s crazy that no matter how many times I shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth, spray perfume, apply scented lotion, etc. I still believe that I’m dirty and that I smell. It’s ridiculous and so very sad.

As for the current situation with H, things are a little bit worse between us. It's partly due to the fact that I'm angry at the realization at the debth of my self loathing. I know it can't all be his fault but the fact remains that I blame him. I've also begun to see the motive behind his actions towards me. I've realized that he tries to control me. He uses money, manipulation and plain old fashioned insults to keep me 'in line' It doesn't matter what I try to talk to him about (Yesterday it was my request that he help more with dinner preparations since we both work. The fact of the matter is I leave for work 1 hour before he does, my commute is twice what his is and I get home almost @ hours after he does. He's usually asleep when I leave for work and taking a nap when I get home) he always turns it into the opportunity to insult me. According to him he has no intention of helping with dinner because:
1. I don't cook that well to begin with so he refuses to"help" with dinner that I'm going to ruin anyway.
2. If I cleaned the house better he'd be motivated to help but since the house is a mess I don't deserve his help.
3. He refuses to help because all I do is nag about everything so if he were to help I'd still find something to nag about so he doesn't see the point.

This last excuse of his is a real kicker. Are you ready for it?

4. He doesn't feel like helping out so he's not going to. End of story as far as he's concerned.

Things have somewhat shifted from a constant battle between us to me basically telling him "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on asshole" then going on with my life as though he does not exist. It's no way to live but honestly he's not worth the energy or the effort it takes to fight with him. I always lose so I prefer not to engage with him on any level. I try to keep to myself, take care of my kids, go to work and save money so I can move on with my life. I can't wait until that day comes.

Therapy

I've been having a very rough time in my marriage this past week. A few very painful issues have been brought to my attention. The pain I'm in is acute. I can't sleep and even breathing is difficult. I have a huge weight on my chest that will not go away. It physically feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. My post about PPD was prompted by the fact that I had that same overwhelming urge to just walk out the door and never come back. My situation feels so hopeless and I'm beginning to see just how destructive this marriage has been to me. It's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally. I want to leave but aside from the fact that I have no place to go, I must remember that wherever I go there I am. I can't run from my marriage or my problems anymore.

I got in touch with a local mental health crisis center and talked about what I've been going through. The compassion I got from the counselor I spoke to completely did me in. I was driving as I spoke to her, I have blue tooth so it's hands free, I was crying so hard I had to pull over. I was referred to a therapist. My first appt. is on Monday. I've felt some measure of relief since making the appointment, although I must admit that writing out this blog has triggered my anxiety and my chest feels very heavy right now.

I have a few breathing exercises that have helped some when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've also been trying to stay in the moment and not obsess about the future. I'm trying to be gentle and patient with myself.

On another, brighter note the kids and I are going back to Disneylnd tomorrow. This time we are celebrating my son's 12th birthday. We got a park hopper ticket so we'll be venturing over to CA Adventre as well. I'm looking forward to it. They have a couple of new attractions the kids and I want to check out.

I'm stupid, didn't you know?

I hate to take a victim role. I've never seen myself as being weak or letting anyone step all over me. I can hold my own but yet in my marriage I tend to back down. Not for me. I back down for my kids. Although I think I'm setting a good example by not responding to verbal assaults with verbal assaults and by trying to take the high road. I refuse to be dragged down to any one's level. I feel as though I'm doing what's right for my kids sake but yet it doesn't feel very good. Especially when I'm trying to comfort my son by minimizing the statements/verbal assaults of his father. I worry about the message it sends to my son and later to my daughter when she's old enough to understand.

My daughter woke up crying at 3am this morning. I got her and put her into bed with me. She tried to go back to sleep but was obviously uncomfortable and in pain. I took her to urgent care at 8am when they opened. Come to find out that she had a bladder infection. If you've ever had a small child you needed to get a urine sample of, I don't need to tell you how difficult and upsetting it is. She hated the procedure and I hated subjecting her to the procedure. Once we got a positive diagnosis and picked up her prescription it was 11am. My daughter and I had been up for 7 hours. We were exhausted. Once we got home I gave her the 1st dose of antibiotics and made her soup for lunch. After lunch we settled into my bed to watch cartoons and rest. She was asleep within 10 minutes. She slept until 5pm when I woke her up. We were both feeling groggy and out of sorts. I fed her yogurt and she drank juice then decided to bake cookies. I figured warm cookies and milk would give her some comfort. H came home by 8pm. I had already fed the kids dinner and was baking the chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile I logged onto the internet so S could watch her favorite cartoon while I finished up in the kitchen.

We've had our laptop for over 4 years. There are a few keys missing, the 'control' & 'delete' and 'up' key. Today as S watched her cartoon she allegedly pushed more than one key down on the key board. That caused the 's' & '7' key to pop out. H came storming into the kitchen where I was washing dishes to yell about S and claim that she was solely responsible for ALL of the missing keys.  He said lots of not very nice things about S and my performance as a mother. I didn't take very kindly to that. I agreed with him when he said that we shouldn't leave her alone to watch cartoons on the computer. Even though I didn't leave her ALONE. H was less that 2 feet away from her. How can he suggest that I left her ALONE? We got into an argument about it and he went on to call me stupid for bringing up the fact that the laptop was old and the fact that I didn't leave her alone. At the time I was in shock and hurt that he would call me stupid. I may be lots of things but I am NOT stupid. I'll admit that I got caught up in the argument. He called me stupid and I disputed his name calling but I also told him that if his definition of stupid was standing up for my daughter and refusing to let him blame her for the entire demise of his computer than so be it. By this time I was crying. Then I noticed the boy had left the room. We were in the living room and I had just served him milk and warm cookies from the oven but he was nowhere to be found. I found him in his room, sobbing his head off. Obviously the argument had upset him. Right fully so! H has always expressed a desire for me to treat the boy as my own and I always have. How could I not love a young motherless boy who wanted a mom? I was a woman who always wanted kids. It was a match made in heaven. But yet H thinks nothing of insulting that same woman who his son has learned to love as his true mom. I'm the one who tends to him, I take care of him, I love him and I'm the one who is there for him unconditionally. I never speak ill of H. The boy is old enough to see the discrepancies between his dad's words and actions. Call me stupid or enabling but when the boy asks me about the discrepancies I never say a negative word. I'll even go so far as to say I make excuses or enable H's behavior.

So this evening when H was on a rampage about the old ass computer I tried to ignore him but it was hard. I knew without a doubt that S was not solely responsible for all of the missing keys.When I voiced my opinion it seemed to give H a renewed thrill. He called me stupid for suggesting it wasn't all S's fault. Then he went on to say that I had called him stupid, first! When I pointed out that I hadn't called him anything, merely stated my opinion he insisted that by stating my opinion I was calling him stupid. I disagreed. According to him, by disagreeing that made me ever stupider!

At that point I realized it was pointless to continue the discussion. I left the room to put the kids to bed. I came back and asked him to refrain from insulting me in front of the kids because it was very upsetting to them. He laughed in my face and suggested that we call the boy into the room. He said, "ask him what he thinks. He's going to say that he thinks you are stupid too" What a low blow. Now he's using my son to try and hurt me? There is no truth to his words but they hurt just the same.

Heavy Heart

Sorry about the absence. I've had a really rough week. I was trying to maintain my denial and did not want to blog about what I was going through because then I would have to face reality. Last week was H's birthday. The kids and I made him a cake, planned a dinner and bought him a gift. He wasn't interested in the dinner we planned so he changed the plans on us. Ok. Fine. I was bothered but I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Not for his sake but for my kids. When we got home he "wasn't in the mood for cake" so we didn't light any candles or sing for him. Honestly I couldn't care less about it but our kids were looking forward to it. Even S who is too young to understand much knows all about birthdays. When I tell her it's someone's birthday she'll sing "Happy, Happy" a few times and then end it by blowing a big gust of wind. I didn't even bother mentioning the present. I gave the kids dessert and put them to bed. The next day evening went out with "the guys" to celebrate his birthday. I ordered pizza for dinner then the kids and I watched A Muppets Christmas on tv. I thought about drinking a few times but I was so angry at H that I wouldn't entertain the notion. He's not worth drinking over.

Around 3am that night H came into our room and got into bed with me. It's been months since he slept in our bed so it woke me up and startled the hell out of me. I've gotten into the habit of sleeping in the middle of the bed so I scooted over and prepared to go back to sleep. He spooned me and started rubbing my arms and legs. I'll spare you the details but you can imagine what he wanted. I was in shock. As I've mentioned before I sleep alone every night and at best we've been intimate 2 or 3 times since 2009 and not once this year. Initially I resisted his advances. It felt unfamiliar and very strange to have his hands on me. I was tempted to ask him to get out of my bed but the truth is it felt nice. I hate myself for feeling that way and I'm ashamed to admit it but I started this blog anonymously so I could/would be honest and that is the truth. I liked him being in my bed. I know there is nothing wrong with being intimate but I hate that someone who treats me so bad could make me feel so good. What's worse is that I let him. He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near me, much less in my bed. Anyway, what struck me later about the encounter was he never told me that he loved me. That should have given me a clue.

 The experience was ok physically but empty emotionally. The next morning he cuddled with me and was acting like the old H. The one I fell in love with and agreed to marry. I was on cloud 9. I know, I'm a fool. Although I wouldn't dare admit it to myself but some part of me started thinking that things were going to get better between us. I don't know what happened to give H a change of heart but I truly wanted to believe that he had a change of heart. I never really figured out what made H change from the person I fell in love with to the man he became. Cold, bitter, mean, insensitive and indifferent towards me. It felt as though it happened overnight and I was willing to believe that the change back would be possible overnight too. We chatted about the upcoming day and I suggested we take the kids to the movies. He agreed. Shortly after that we got up and went about our day.

I was so happy, I felt loved and was positive that things would be better and continue to get better from then on. Like I said, yes I know I'm an idiot. I approached him about out movie plans and he made a face and said in an annoyed voice, "I'm watching football. You take them" Ok fine. Once again I didn't want to make a big deal about it mention that he had told me that he would join us. The kids and I headed out. When I got back I sat down next to him on the couch and attempted to tell him about the movie and wanted his input on dinner. He basically kept his eyes on the tv and ignored me. The old H was back but I REFUSED to believe it. I thought that if I explained that the change in his behavior from earlier that morning was confusing and hurtful to me  we could talk about what was going on with him. I was hoping we would have a discussion like normal, rational people and come to some sort of mutual understanding/arrangement that worked for both of us. I was hoping he'd finally be open to listening to me and attempt to understand how his actions affect me. Wrong. He refused to acknowledge any change in his behavior. I told him that after a while I get used to sleeping alone and his indifferent attitude towards me. After a while it doesn't hurt as much but when he plays these games with me all of the hurt comes flooding back. Then I have the added pain of feeling like a fool for letting him hurt me yet again. He told me that I was crazy and imagining things.

Once again, I hate to admit this because I feel like such a stupid fool but I was crushed. My heart ached. I cried off and on for the rest of the week. I was so hurt by his treatment of me. It was cruel and felt calculated. I felt as though he set out to hurt me and I let him. When am I going to learn?  I should know better by now. On an intellectual level I can see that his actions have  nothing at all to do with me. He's obviously a very disturbed/unhappy person to treat anyone like that, much less his wife. But yet it still wounds me very deeply. I'm only human.When someone cuts me I bleed.

Sorry to be such a downer on the beginning of a holiday weekend. I needed to get this out. It's been festering in my mind and heart all week. I needed to write it all down so I can purge myself of it. I really want to enjoy this weekend with my family and my kids. I used to love Christmas but haven't been feeling the Christmas spirit the past few years. I remember the anticipation and excitement of Christmas that I used to feel and I want that back. So this weekend I am going to reclaim it. I'm going to offer up my marriage and the burdens surrounding it to God and focus on all of the Peace, Hope and Love of the Christmas Season. I hope you are able to do the same.

Merry Christmas!
xo, Bien Tomada

Still lonely

I’m going through another one of my lonely, depressing phases. I’ve noticed they come after a few days of not drinking. No surprise there. I‘ve always known that I drink to avoid my feelings in regards to this marriage. What’s interesting to me is the wide range of feelings that surface. Feelings that are buried under the anger and resentment. Feelings of sadness and longing. I feel as though I have so much love to share but there is nobody to share it with. I feel almost silly complaining about it because I have a large family and circle of friends who I love deeply and who love me deeply in return but it’s not enough. When I’m feeling this way all I want to do is run far and run fast from the emptiness in my heart. The only thing that takes me away is drinking. I really want to be sober but I don’t know that I can be sober and be in this marriage.

If I had to choose I’d say that alcohol is the worse of the two. Alcoholism is progressive, alcohol will ruin my health, my relationship with my kids and the possibility of a bright future. But yet sometimes it feels like this marriage is ruining my health.  I can’t sleep, I’m on edge, I’ve clenched my teeth so hard and for so long it’s going to cost me thousands of dollars in dental work to repair. Not to mention the permanent frown lines that have appeared over the last 3 years.  My relationship with my children appears fine but what type of behavior am I modeling for them? They see a very dysfunctional relationship between H and I on a daily basis. I hate the thought of them thinking this is normal and one day being in a marriage like the one H and I have. I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I just feel like I need to get this out.  

Last night I had another dream about being in love. Once again I don’t even know who the guy was. But he loved me and it felt wonderful. The dreams also tend to resurface after a few days on not drinking and although I’m happy in my dream waking up to the reality that is my life makes my heart ache even more.

This morning as I was leaving for work H came into the bedroom to get ready for work. I’ve been meaning to speak to him about moving out of our bedroom. I think I need to set a boundary. We both ignore the fact that we no longer sleep together. Neither one of us mentions it.  I think I need to address the issue. He’s chosen to sleep on the couch every night. That’s fine but then I need him to own his actions and move into the guest bedroom. It’s too upsetting to be constantly aware that although it’s OUR bedroom I’m the only one in the bed night after night. When he entered the bedroom this morning I told him how I was feeling and asked him what he thought about moving out of our bedroom. He didn’t seem interested in the idea. I’m not going to push it. Maybe I should just do what’s best for me and move out of our bedroom. I just don’t know.