Extension

So my contract has been extended until at least the end of next week. My boss is going to reassess the workflow and give me a better idea how long they need me to stay on Tuesday. Fine by me. I’m just glad I get to continue working for another week. YAY! Now I’m on my way to pick up my baby girl. I’m making chicken tostadas for dinner tonight. I can’t wait! Since the whole separation thing I haven’t been making dinner every night like I used to. Only ‘wives’ make dinner, right? I’ve been fixing simpler things for the kids and I. I don’t want to be rude and exclude H from dinner so I’ve been fixing easier stuff like sandwiches, burgers, soup, etc so I can cook enough for the kids and I. H then has the option of peeling his behind of the couch and fixing some for himself. I’ve also been ordering a lot of take-out. I usually ask H if he wants something but he always says no. He seems to be under the impression that he’s hurting me by ‘rejecting’ my offer to buy him something to eat. HAHA! Little does he know! Anyway, tonight is his regular night out with the guys. Good riddance! Since he won’t be there I’m going to make something that takes a little more preparation and effort. Have a great night everyone!  

Trying to keep it together.

I’m feeling drained today. The kids and I had a fun weekend but it was stressful on an emotional level for me. H is trying to play some sort of mind game and it’s taking a lot of energy to simply ignore it. Last week he invited me to the basketball play-off game for Friday night. His invitation upset me on many levels. First of all we are SEPARATED. He’s made it very clear on numerous occasions that he has no interest in going anywhere with me. He’s been to quite a few sporting events the past year (as usual) and has only invited me to 1 game. That was after the time he called me stupid. Remember this post? I think it was his way of trying to smooth things over between us. Anyway he invited me to Friday’s game and I declined. I was bothered that he would invite me. He’s made it very clear on several occasions how much he hates going places with me.  Either he tells me I’m not invited or when we do go some place together he sets out to be rude, insult and humiliate me. After the last incident when he left me at the restaurant I decided to separate. I made it very clear that I have no intention of ever going anyplace with him again. I released him of any obligation to spend time with me. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. So what does he do? He decides to invite me on a date. I declined so he went on to say that he was NOT going to take no for an answer. He said I was being stubborn and acting like a stick in the mud. Great, more insults! He said he was going to continue to ask me until I agreed to go with him. I alternated between ignoring his invitation or responding with a terse No thanks. After a while he started adding ‘incentives’ he said he would get me a new iphone, a new designer purse, etc if I agreed to go with him. His offer made me very angry. How dare he think that I can be bought.  There isn’t enough money or gifts in the world to get me to go anywhere with him. I didn’t really want to get into it but I reminded him that he told me he hates going places with me and that I’m an embarrassment to him. I suggested he ask someone else instead. He looked me straight in the face and denied all of it. Every horrible, insulting thing he said to me. Denied. All. Of. It.  It’s incredible how deep his denial goes. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and refuses to accept my decision to separate. He acts as though he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m just being difficult by setting my boundaries and refusing to remain in a destructive relationship with him. At times it’s infuriating but mostly it’s just sad.

This weekend I took the kids HERE for ice cream and to check out the new pins. I try to take them once a month and H never goes with us. Naturally this time he insisted on coming with us. It was awful. He spent the entire time checking his phone and ignoring the kids and I. Having him there was worse than going without him. His energy is so negative. All he did was ruin everyone’s good time. Although to be honest S didn’t notice a thing but the boy did. I could see him watching his dad and trying to guage his mood. We usually check out the pins, have a sundae then walk around H-Wood Blvd reading the stars. Our last stop is always HERE  where we have fun matching up our hands and feet to the different imprints. This time the boy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and after our ice cream he said he didn’t feel like walking around. I’m pretty sure the boy said that for his dad’s benefit since H looked bored the entire time we were there but I let it go. Truth be told I didn’t feel like doing our usual routine either. H being there was putting a damper on the day.

Yesterday was a little bit better. I hid out in my room most of the morning. I started to go stir crazy around 11am so I decided to take the kids to DCA. I’ve been working the past few weeks so I decided to splurge on annual passes for the kids and I. (Thank goodness I bought our passes 2 weeks ago since the prices of the passes/tickets went up yesterday. I though the price I paid for the pass was expensive. Now it’s outrageous!)  We got there by noon and had a great time. Our visits used to be focused on getting on the rides and we never paid much attention to the shows. Since we now have a pass we were able to see a show and not feel like we were missing out on the rides. Speaking of my job. This might be my last week here. I’m on assignment through an agency and it’s scheduled to end 5/24 but there’s the possibility that it could be extended. I’ll know more within the next few days. I’m hoping it will be extended because I don’t want to go back to staying at home but I’m not going to worry about it.  If it doesn’t get extended I have faith that something else will come along for me.  

Smell

So I’m well into my second week here at my new job. You can read about the job here. Things are going really good on the job front. I started on a Friday so last week I got paid for one (1) day of work.  It felt great to be getting a paycheck again. I was on cloud 9 the whole commute home Friday afternoon. I packed up the kids and drove to my sister’s house for the weekend. It was great spending the weekend with money to burn. We ate out a few times and took the kids to the park and to the zoo. I thought about drinking a few times but it was just that, a thought. As I mentioned in another post the obsessive/compulsion to drink has lessened. Which has been a big relief. I have another appointment with my Reiki Healer this week which I’m looking forward to.

Therapy has been going well. I beginning to regain some of my self esteem/self worth back. I spent the last 5 years listening to H berate me and my abilities as a wife/mother/woman and I had started to believe it. It’s been very difficult emotionally but I’ve begun to really examine how H’s treatment of me has affected my view and perception of myself. I used to think that it didn’t affect me. After all, I’ve always believed that I’m a good daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife (in spite of the fact that H would disagree. What does he know?!) and mother. I’m fairly easy on the eyes. I’m smart, generous, kind, loving, honest, loyal, cultured, polite...Seeing how I believe all of these positive qualities about myself it was hard for me to acknowledge that my self esteem/self worth has suffered as a result of H’s verbal abuse.  It has though. It’s damaged me on a very fundamental deep level. It took a while to be able to recognize and verbalize it. It took me even longer to admit to myself what I truly feel inside about myself.  It’s very difficult just to write it out here. I’m fighting back tears as I’m typing this but I’m going to put it out there anyway. I realized that I have an intense amount of self-loathing regarding my body. I honestly, truly believe that I smell. As in I’m dirty, unwashed.  I believe that my normal odor is disgusting and offensive. I believe that my hair, my body, my breath, my feet, everything about me smells. I believe that if someone were to get close to me they would be repulsed by me. I literally keep everyone at an arms distance away. It’s crazy. Logically I know that there is no way I can smell THAT bad. I shower every day, sometimes twice a day. My clothes are always freshly laundered. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. I use perfume or scented lotion every single day. There is no logical reason why I would smell dirty but I feel as though I do. I feel as though THAT’S why H never hugs or kisses me. Much less make love to me. But even that line of thinking is faulty. He never gets close enough to me to be able to smell me. How would he know what I smell like?

It’s crazy that no matter how many times I shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth, spray perfume, apply scented lotion, etc. I still believe that I’m dirty and that I smell. It’s ridiculous and so very sad.

As for the current situation with H, things are a little bit worse between us. It's partly due to the fact that I'm angry at the realization at the debth of my self loathing. I know it can't all be his fault but the fact remains that I blame him. I've also begun to see the motive behind his actions towards me. I've realized that he tries to control me. He uses money, manipulation and plain old fashioned insults to keep me 'in line' It doesn't matter what I try to talk to him about (Yesterday it was my request that he help more with dinner preparations since we both work. The fact of the matter is I leave for work 1 hour before he does, my commute is twice what his is and I get home almost @ hours after he does. He's usually asleep when I leave for work and taking a nap when I get home) he always turns it into the opportunity to insult me. According to him he has no intention of helping with dinner because:
1. I don't cook that well to begin with so he refuses to"help" with dinner that I'm going to ruin anyway.
2. If I cleaned the house better he'd be motivated to help but since the house is a mess I don't deserve his help.
3. He refuses to help because all I do is nag about everything so if he were to help I'd still find something to nag about so he doesn't see the point.

This last excuse of his is a real kicker. Are you ready for it?

4. He doesn't feel like helping out so he's not going to. End of story as far as he's concerned.

Things have somewhat shifted from a constant battle between us to me basically telling him "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on asshole" then going on with my life as though he does not exist. It's no way to live but honestly he's not worth the energy or the effort it takes to fight with him. I always lose so I prefer not to engage with him on any level. I try to keep to myself, take care of my kids, go to work and save money so I can move on with my life. I can't wait until that day comes.

The view from up here.

It’s not much to look at (especially since it's a muggy day) but it’s a desk by the window at my NEW JOB!!!! That’s right. I got a job. It’s a temp job through an agency but hopefully 3 times is a charm and this will end up being permanent. Either way I am just so very, very excited to be working again. I feel very lucky to have been offered this opportunity. Remember how my last post was about getting rid of negative energy to make room for blessings to enter my life? Well I truly believe that this job is my blessing. Last week I was sitting home in the middle of the afternoon practicing my meditation. My baby girl was taking a nap so the house was quiet. I had forgotten to silence my c-phone and it rang just as I was getting into my meditation. I silenced the phone and continued with my meditation. After my meditation I woke S up and began to get her ready to pick up the boy from school. I happened to look at my phone and noticed there were 2 calls within 1 hour from that same number I ignored earlier. I checked my VM and it was a temp. agency asking if I was available. I was so I called them back and we chatted about the position. I agreed to fax them my updated resume so the agency could forward it to the client. Once that was done I headed out to pick up the boy. It was really hot here, almost 100 degrees, so I decided to take the kids for ice cream sundae’s. While we were eating our sundae’s I got an email from the agency and it said, “They loved your resume and want you to start Friday” I couldn’t believe it. I went from no job to having a job within 1 hours time! It’s now my 3^rd day on the job. I’m all set up with all the necessary computer access and I’m working my fingers to the bone. It feels good.

I’ve met quite a few people and two in particular have been especially friendly. They always invite me to join them on their breaks and for lunch. Today we walked down to the Grand Central Market for lunch. On the way back I hopped on Angel’s Flight. Both were new experiences for me.

I’d also like to mention that I’m still on my quest for sobriety. I wish I could say that I’m 100 sober but that would be a lie. What I can say is that I haven’t had a drink in almost a week and overall I’m drinking much less than usual. Since I’ve begun meditating I have to say that the ‘obsessive compulsion’ to drink that would plague me on previous attempts to be sober has diminished. Thank God. I’ve also been listening to this guided meditation on addiction. I’ve scheduled a one-on-one Reiki Healing session so I’ll be sure to post about that experience. I’ve asked the healer to include addiction when working on my healing. I’m very optimistic about the results.

Crabby

I've been feeling exhausted these past few days. It takes everything I have to get up and going in the mornings. There is a situation at work with this woman (let's call her Crabby) that's also making it difficult. I can't figure out if it's me or her but our interactions feel strained and she ends up snapping at me and eventually I lose my patience and snap right back. It's a temporary job and I'm more that half way through my assignment so I'm trying not to let Crabby get to me but it's difficult. I received very little training when I started. I was introduced to Crabby by the manager who hired me and was assured that Crabby would be the go to person if I had a question. Initially I approached Crabby on a few questions but she would throw her hands in the air and exclaim, "I don't know how YOU are supposed to do it! I know how I do it but I don't know if that's the way YOU are supposed to do it. How did THEY tell to do it!?" I tried to explain that I was asking her because I hadn't been given instructions/training on that particular task. Eventually she'd reluctantly give me a few pointers but never the full information I needed to complete the task. After the first few times we went through that song and dance I stopped asking her for help. I did the best I could and turned it into my boss for review. I missed a few components that I was not aware of and my boss asked her to show me what I missed. She approached me one morning and began telling me to open various computer applications that I had never used. I had been e-mailed passwords by the IT Dept but hadn't been taught what the applications were for and what information I would be obtaining from them. I pointed at an application that I thought she was referring to and asked her if that was the application. She said it wasn't so I went went on to the other applications. She said it wasn't any of those either. She then took the computer mouse out of my hand and proceeded to open the 1st application I had asked her about. She commented rather rudely, "I told you it was this one!" I bit my tongue and kept quiet. She went on to show me a few more applications and each time she repeated her performance of asking me to open an application, telling me it was the wrong one, letting me ask her about the other applications before she's go back the the first one and tell me that was the ONE. Finally I told her, I asked you about that one and you said that wasn't it! Her response, "NO! I said uh-huh when you asked me" Which wasn't true. She'd verbally say NO and shake her head for emphasis when I would ask her only to go back a few seconds later and say that was the correct application. Is your head pounding yet? Mine is. That woman gives me the biggest headache. My head is aching just thinking about her nonsense. I've thought about telling my boss but since I only have a few weeks left of my contract I don't really see the point. I'd rather just avoid her and finish up my assignment. Although I have decided that if my boss asks me directly how things are going I won't hesitate to be honest.

In other news, H is out with the guys at the bar. I'm home with the kids and I do not feel like drinking. Being left alone with the kids while H goes out has been a big trigger. Not today. Maybe Crabby is supposed to irk me and take up so much space in my head leaving no room to think of drinking! Kind of like divine intervention.Wouldn't that be something? LOL

After work I picked up the kids and we went to get a bite to eat. Once we got home I played with S then we made chocolate chip cookies. The kids are just finishing up their cookies and milk. Then it's bedtime for them and I'm going to climb into bed and read for a bit. It's been a good evening. It feels good to be sober.