Happy un-anniversary to me.

I expected this day to be incredibly difficult. Today would have been our wedding anniversary. I woke up and felt a sense of sadness but it wasn't overwhelming. I thought about my wedding at various points throughout the day. I shed a few tears but they felt cleansing. Not like tears of despair. I met a friend for dinner and thought about ordering a drink but I really didn't feel like drinking. I didn't want to go home and see H so I came to my moms house. S stood with her when I went to dinner. We just finished having cookies and milk. We are in bed and about to go to sleep. Although my day wasn't as heart wrenching as I had feared I feel emotionally exhausted and very sad. That's ok though. I'm going to feel the feelings. This too shall pass.

Chakra

Every single day my intention is to blog here but the days fly by now that I’m working. Today I’m going to take a much needed break and finally finish blogging about my first seminar with the holistic healer. You can read the first part here.

After we meditated we partnered up and worked on casting a circle.  She discussed how it’s done then she went on to discuss the various types of images we could use in order to envision a circle around us. She suggested we use fire. She guided us through the exercise. She told us to imagine how our fire would look. She talked about what she saw when envisioning her circle of fire. She saw great big purple flames. She said the fire could be anything we wanted it to be. My partner went first. Once her circle was firmly established I was supposed to reach towards her and try to ‘feel’ her circle. I put my hands out and slowly walked towards her. I tried to leave my mind open and simply feel around for it. I had no idea what it would feel like or if I would even be able to feel it but I did. It felt warm and my fingers started to tingle. I moved away from it and then tried going forward again to see if I had really felt it. Sure enough. It was there. It was amazing. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before.

Next it was my turn. I tried envisioning my circle, I imagined what my flame would look like. What I saw were little flames. They looked like pilot lights. You know that sorry little light you have on your stove’s pilot or the pilot on a water heater? My circle was ringed by those sorry little flames. No matter how hard I tried all I couldn’t seem to make the fire bigger. Once my circle was as established as it was going to get I invited my partner to feel my circle. She moved forward and when she came upon it I somehow sensed that she had found it. I could literally feel her touching it. I was in shock. I hadn’t really believed that I would be able to cast a circle, much less have anyone be able to feel it. What happened next shocked me even more. She felt around for a few seconds then gasped. She said, “OH! It’s cold. Why is it so cold?” She continued to feel around my circle and insisted that it felt cold. I tried explaining to her the size of my flames and figured that would be why it was cool to the touch. She was so perturbed at what she was feeling she called over our teacher/healer. She came over and felt on my right side by my shoulder. She agreed that my circle felt a little cool but seemed to accept my explanation of the size of my flame. She advised me to practice my circle and work on building my flame up. My partner on the other hand was not satisfied with what she was hearing. She kept insisting that my lower left side was cold. Not cool but cold. The healer stood in front of me for a few minutes (to gather herself I suppose) then reached out and felt where my partner had indicated. I could see in her face that there was definitely “something” there. She stepped back and told me to wait one second. She went over to the table where her belongings were and consulted some sort of pendulum for a few seconds. She came back and asked for permission to enter my circle. I told her to go ahead and she felt around various parts of my body. I could tell that she was considering just how much she should say to me. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully. She told me that my Chakra appears to be blocked in this area, as she motioned to my torso. She said I would be a good candidate for a one-on-one healing. I asked her specifically what was blocked and she replied that my Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra’s appeared to be completely blocked. She said she could feel quite a few blockages but would need more time to explore what was going on before giving me a definite answer but there was no doubt that my Spleen (Sacral) chakra was completely blocked. She could feel that for certain. I agreed that I would come back for a one-on-one session but didn’t think much about having a blocked Sacral Chakra. I had no idea what that meant, at the time…Since then I have researched it and all I can say is that I am not surprised. Being in the loveless/sexless/verbally abusive, emotionally and spiritually draining marriage that I am in would block the hell out of anyone’s Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra!

Next we worked on shielding ourselves. Sometimes it’s not always practical to erect an entire circle around us. In those instances we can shield ourselves. The exercise was similar to the circle exercise. We were to envision our shield. It could be anything we wanted it to be. We were just supposed to go with any imagine that came to mind. She gave examples of the different types of shields people use. My partner went first and when it was my turn to feel it I was able to clearly feel where is began and where it ended. It started just above her shoulders and ended by her waist. It wasn’t very big. It felt fairly compact. Initially I thought I was imagining where it started and stopped so you can imagine my surprise when she told me I was 100% correct. Her shield was her guide animal which was an eagle. She said she was holding it up in front of her at her waist and it ended by her shoulder. She was able to see over the eagle that was shielding her.

On a side note, you would think that by this point of the seminar I would cease to be surprised or amazed at the stuff I was learning and able to detect but I wasn’t. I guess I really am that thick J

Ok. Now it was my turn. I imagined my shield and what I saw was this huge wall. It was silver and looked like a traditional shield would look only it started at the floor and was very high and wide. I couldn’t see over it. I couldn’t pick it up, I couldn’t move it. The shield completely covered me. I tried and tried to make it smaller. I kept thinking to myself, how am I supposed to defend myself with this shield? It’s more like a wall that a shield. I can’t see what’s going on with this thing in my way. Finally I gave up trying to make it smaller and invited my partner to feel it. I can’t explain it but I sensed when she touched it. She couldn’t believe how big it was. She kept trying to figure out where it began and where it ended but she couldn’t. Finally she gave up and said, I know it’s metal. My fingers tingled when I touched it but that’s all I can tell. It’s huge, like a metal wall but it’s not a wall, right? It can’t be a wall…” I started laughing and told her that yes, my shield was a wall. At this point the other students had gathered that there was something going on with me. I cried during the meditation when our guides came to us. They knew that although I didn’t think I was doing the meditation right it was perfect for my situation and the animal that chose me, Panther. They had listened with interest as the healer told me my chakra was blocked. A few had even asked if they could feel my circle. I let them. Now they were watching my partner and I with curiosity. I invited everyone to feel my shield/wall and they were all amazed at how much energy was in it. They all said they felt their hands tingle when they felt it and could sense how large it was. The healer explained that although she didn’t know my whole story what she had learned about me that day was enough to convince her that a huge wall of a shield was just what I needed.  

Our next exercise was to make holy water and cleansing sea salt bath scrub. I didn’t have any earth shattering revelations during that exercise. Although showering with the scrub does leave me feeling very refreshed mentally and physically. I love it!

Tonight I have my one-on-one healing session. Finally. I was supposed to go last week but I was forced to reschedule. I can’t wait until my appointment. I am really looking forward to it. We are going to work on unblocking my chakra’s, healing emotionally and spiritually and on my addiction to alcohol. I’ve scheduled a 2 hour session. I’ll post about my experience tomorrow.

Smell

So I’m well into my second week here at my new job. You can read about the job here. Things are going really good on the job front. I started on a Friday so last week I got paid for one (1) day of work.  It felt great to be getting a paycheck again. I was on cloud 9 the whole commute home Friday afternoon. I packed up the kids and drove to my sister’s house for the weekend. It was great spending the weekend with money to burn. We ate out a few times and took the kids to the park and to the zoo. I thought about drinking a few times but it was just that, a thought. As I mentioned in another post the obsessive/compulsion to drink has lessened. Which has been a big relief. I have another appointment with my Reiki Healer this week which I’m looking forward to.

Therapy has been going well. I beginning to regain some of my self esteem/self worth back. I spent the last 5 years listening to H berate me and my abilities as a wife/mother/woman and I had started to believe it. It’s been very difficult emotionally but I’ve begun to really examine how H’s treatment of me has affected my view and perception of myself. I used to think that it didn’t affect me. After all, I’ve always believed that I’m a good daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife (in spite of the fact that H would disagree. What does he know?!) and mother. I’m fairly easy on the eyes. I’m smart, generous, kind, loving, honest, loyal, cultured, polite...Seeing how I believe all of these positive qualities about myself it was hard for me to acknowledge that my self esteem/self worth has suffered as a result of H’s verbal abuse.  It has though. It’s damaged me on a very fundamental deep level. It took a while to be able to recognize and verbalize it. It took me even longer to admit to myself what I truly feel inside about myself.  It’s very difficult just to write it out here. I’m fighting back tears as I’m typing this but I’m going to put it out there anyway. I realized that I have an intense amount of self-loathing regarding my body. I honestly, truly believe that I smell. As in I’m dirty, unwashed.  I believe that my normal odor is disgusting and offensive. I believe that my hair, my body, my breath, my feet, everything about me smells. I believe that if someone were to get close to me they would be repulsed by me. I literally keep everyone at an arms distance away. It’s crazy. Logically I know that there is no way I can smell THAT bad. I shower every day, sometimes twice a day. My clothes are always freshly laundered. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. I use perfume or scented lotion every single day. There is no logical reason why I would smell dirty but I feel as though I do. I feel as though THAT’S why H never hugs or kisses me. Much less make love to me. But even that line of thinking is faulty. He never gets close enough to me to be able to smell me. How would he know what I smell like?

It’s crazy that no matter how many times I shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth, spray perfume, apply scented lotion, etc. I still believe that I’m dirty and that I smell. It’s ridiculous and so very sad.

As for the current situation with H, things are a little bit worse between us. It's partly due to the fact that I'm angry at the realization at the debth of my self loathing. I know it can't all be his fault but the fact remains that I blame him. I've also begun to see the motive behind his actions towards me. I've realized that he tries to control me. He uses money, manipulation and plain old fashioned insults to keep me 'in line' It doesn't matter what I try to talk to him about (Yesterday it was my request that he help more with dinner preparations since we both work. The fact of the matter is I leave for work 1 hour before he does, my commute is twice what his is and I get home almost @ hours after he does. He's usually asleep when I leave for work and taking a nap when I get home) he always turns it into the opportunity to insult me. According to him he has no intention of helping with dinner because:
1. I don't cook that well to begin with so he refuses to"help" with dinner that I'm going to ruin anyway.
2. If I cleaned the house better he'd be motivated to help but since the house is a mess I don't deserve his help.
3. He refuses to help because all I do is nag about everything so if he were to help I'd still find something to nag about so he doesn't see the point.

This last excuse of his is a real kicker. Are you ready for it?

4. He doesn't feel like helping out so he's not going to. End of story as far as he's concerned.

Things have somewhat shifted from a constant battle between us to me basically telling him "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on asshole" then going on with my life as though he does not exist. It's no way to live but honestly he's not worth the energy or the effort it takes to fight with him. I always lose so I prefer not to engage with him on any level. I try to keep to myself, take care of my kids, go to work and save money so I can move on with my life. I can't wait until that day comes.

The view from up here.

It’s not much to look at (especially since it's a muggy day) but it’s a desk by the window at my NEW JOB!!!! That’s right. I got a job. It’s a temp job through an agency but hopefully 3 times is a charm and this will end up being permanent. Either way I am just so very, very excited to be working again. I feel very lucky to have been offered this opportunity. Remember how my last post was about getting rid of negative energy to make room for blessings to enter my life? Well I truly believe that this job is my blessing. Last week I was sitting home in the middle of the afternoon practicing my meditation. My baby girl was taking a nap so the house was quiet. I had forgotten to silence my c-phone and it rang just as I was getting into my meditation. I silenced the phone and continued with my meditation. After my meditation I woke S up and began to get her ready to pick up the boy from school. I happened to look at my phone and noticed there were 2 calls within 1 hour from that same number I ignored earlier. I checked my VM and it was a temp. agency asking if I was available. I was so I called them back and we chatted about the position. I agreed to fax them my updated resume so the agency could forward it to the client. Once that was done I headed out to pick up the boy. It was really hot here, almost 100 degrees, so I decided to take the kids for ice cream sundae’s. While we were eating our sundae’s I got an email from the agency and it said, “They loved your resume and want you to start Friday” I couldn’t believe it. I went from no job to having a job within 1 hours time! It’s now my 3^rd day on the job. I’m all set up with all the necessary computer access and I’m working my fingers to the bone. It feels good.

I’ve met quite a few people and two in particular have been especially friendly. They always invite me to join them on their breaks and for lunch. Today we walked down to the Grand Central Market for lunch. On the way back I hopped on Angel’s Flight. Both were new experiences for me.

I’d also like to mention that I’m still on my quest for sobriety. I wish I could say that I’m 100 sober but that would be a lie. What I can say is that I haven’t had a drink in almost a week and overall I’m drinking much less than usual. Since I’ve begun meditating I have to say that the ‘obsessive compulsion’ to drink that would plague me on previous attempts to be sober has diminished. Thank God. I’ve also been listening to this guided meditation on addiction. I’ve scheduled a one-on-one Reiki Healing session so I’ll be sure to post about that experience. I’ve asked the healer to include addiction when working on my healing. I’m very optimistic about the results.

Therapy

I've been having a very rough time in my marriage this past week. A few very painful issues have been brought to my attention. The pain I'm in is acute. I can't sleep and even breathing is difficult. I have a huge weight on my chest that will not go away. It physically feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. My post about PPD was prompted by the fact that I had that same overwhelming urge to just walk out the door and never come back. My situation feels so hopeless and I'm beginning to see just how destructive this marriage has been to me. It's affected me emotionally, physically and mentally. I want to leave but aside from the fact that I have no place to go, I must remember that wherever I go there I am. I can't run from my marriage or my problems anymore.

I got in touch with a local mental health crisis center and talked about what I've been going through. The compassion I got from the counselor I spoke to completely did me in. I was driving as I spoke to her, I have blue tooth so it's hands free, I was crying so hard I had to pull over. I was referred to a therapist. My first appt. is on Monday. I've felt some measure of relief since making the appointment, although I must admit that writing out this blog has triggered my anxiety and my chest feels very heavy right now.

I have a few breathing exercises that have helped some when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've also been trying to stay in the moment and not obsess about the future. I'm trying to be gentle and patient with myself.

On another, brighter note the kids and I are going back to Disneylnd tomorrow. This time we are celebrating my son's 12th birthday. We got a park hopper ticket so we'll be venturing over to CA Adventre as well. I'm looking forward to it. They have a couple of new attractions the kids and I want to check out.

I drank.

After posting I pulled into my driveway and went into the house. I had been doing laundry before I left so I went into the garage to check on my load. That's when I remembered the open bottle of vodka H keeps in the garage. I walked right over and pulled it out. I held it in my hands and wrestled with whether or not I really wanted a drink. I did. I thought through the drink...I still wanted it. I thought about how much I want to be sober. I thought about the fact that I gave up drinking for Lent. I still wanted it. I told myself that after I finished the laundry if I still wanted it I could have ONE.

Laundry was all done, folded and put away. I still wanted it. So I had one drink. Then I had another. I thought about another but decided that a beer would be 'better' I poured myself a beer and happened to look at the time. It was almost 1am, the whole house was asleep. Hell just about everyone, everywhere was asleep. It was the middle of the night and I was drinking. I threw the beer down the drain and went to bed. This morning I threw out the rest of the vodka along with the open bottles of tequila, rum and bourbon. H is a beer drinker but he keeps those bottles for company. Those bottles, the vodka in particular, have been my downfall in the past. They have to go. H isn't going to be happy when he realizes that I threw them out. Oh well. This is my house too and I do not want them around.

Back to day one. What a drag.

The realization

I posted this on a msg board a few months ago. I thought it would be a good idea to post it here too. It's what was going on in my life that made me think alcohol was taking over my life.

I recently realized that I need to stop drinking. My drinking has gotten very compulsive, very rapidly. I was a SAHM for the past 2 years. While being a SAHM I focused on my kids and paid little to no attention to H. I denied the reality of my situation and just focused on getting through the day. I got a job in May and have been trying to hold everything at home together and ignore the fact that I have no marriage. I rush home, make dinner, check homework, get the kids ready for bed then spend the rest of my evenings alone, I also sleep alone. It is my belief that H is an alcoholic, he comes home after drinking all day at work (which he denies) and passes out on the couch. There is no relationship what-so-ever between us. 

After a few weeks of this insanity I started drinking when I got home to “relax” (aka try to keep the denial about my life/marriage going) I’ve always been a binge drinker but have never felt the type of compulsion to drink that I began feeling a few weeks ago. In the span of about 5 months I went from the occasional bender when out on Friday or Saturday night to drinking a pint of vodka every single night and wine/beer or whatever else was available to get me going the next morning. One day h confronted me about my drinking (pot calling the kettle black). Naturally I denied that I was drinking too much. I set out to “show him” that I could stop at a glass or two of wine every night. 

That’s when things went downhill even further. I began stopping at the store after work. I would buy ½ pint of vodka and a 16oz bottle of coke zero. I would empty out half of the soda and pour in the ½ pint of vodka. 

Did anyone else know it fits perfectly? Not a drop wasted!!

Since I had S with me I didn’t want to drink and drive so I would park a few blocks away from my house, discard the evidence (vodka bottle) and chug the entire thing within 10 minutes and drive home. Naturally after having that much to drink in that short period of time I didn’t even want the glass or two of wine a night. Until I did.

One day during my “routine” I happened to glance back at S as I was pouring the vodka into my soda. Her face was expressionless, she was just watching me. She’s 2 so she obviously had no idea what I was doing or why I did it every day. The shame and guilt flooded me instantly. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I SWORE I would never be one myself. Naturally, I still drank my concoction but for the next few days was able to ride the shame and guilt and stop myself from doing it again. 

Then they day came when h picked up S from daycare. Well it was game on, right? 

That’s when it sunk in fully that I have a BIG, BIG problem. I’m an alcoholic. I still drank but tried to prove to myself that I could drink like a ‘normal person’ on weekends and such. No more drinking during the week. It didn’t work. I had seen the TRUTH and there was no way for me to ever “unsee” it. Although I know the day may come where I forget it. 

So I quit. I’m on day 5 of my recovery. I’ve gone to 2 AA meetings and plan on going to one tonight, tomorrow and another on Sunday. This is my first “sober” weekend and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll drink, scared what will happen if I don’t drink and have to sit with my feelings about h and my marriage. My home and h are my triggers. I can’t hide from it any longer. I have to recover so I can finally deal with this marriage and move on to build a better life for me and S. That will never happen if I continue drinking.

The pull

I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.

So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.

Revenge of the OBSESSION.

I was doing pretty good today. I'm not sure what happened but I know where the urge to drink is comig from. I suppose that's a start. I picked up my kids after my class and came home to a messy house, my monthly is 3 days late and I'm very irritable. Every single thing makes me want to jump out of my skin. The dog barking, my kids requesting a snack or something to drink. My daughter asking me to put on Incredibles for the millionth time. My son excitedly wanting to discuss our upcoming weekend trip to Disneyland. The tv is too loud, the light too bright. I went to my room to decompress and the kids followed me. They wanted to snuggle with me on my bed. It's cold out so we are all in lounge wear. Perfect for snuggling but yet I want to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE. I won't though. It's not their fault. They are just kids and on most days I welcome the requests for a snack, or the invitation to watch Incredibles for the millionth time and love snuggling with them but not today. Not right now. A drink would take all of those irritable, unkind feelings away. It'll make this moment in my life bearable. One drink won't hurt, right? I can always quit again tomorrow, right?

Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.

Lent

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.

Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.

By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.

I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.

First one.

I went to my first sober funeral today. The old familiar obsession/compulsion to drink was not there. I am incredibly grateful for that. I'll admit that I thought about drinking but it was just that, a fleeting thought that passed through my mind then it was gone. Tomorrow is the actual burial service with a celebration of life luncheon after. It's going to be a booze laden event but I'm not worried. I'll be fine. I'm firm in my commitment to be sober. Drinking isn't going to make the situation less painful. In fact drinking is only going to make me feel worse. While the service this evening was difficult I'm very glad that I was able to stay sober for another day.

Mission Accomplished

I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!

Fighting the compulsion.

Plans changed so instead of going to a friends house for the big game H decided to have his friends come here. There isnt a lot of people here but there is tons of alcohol and everyone is drinking. I find myself thinking about drinking. I'm not going to do it though. I may not have much sobriety behind me yet but sober is what's I want to be so drinking is not an option. The plan is to head to the mall with s. I have a few gifts from Christmas that I still need to exchange. I also have a coupon for a buy one get on free pretzel from the mall food court. I'll snack on my pretzel while S plays in the kiddies section at the mall. By the time we get back home the thought of drinking will be a distant memory.

Drive down memory lane.

I enjoyed myself at both parties today and I didn't drink. It wasn't hard at all to refuse alcohol when offered. I'm not sure what prompted the change but I'm grateful for the reprieve from obsession/compulsion to drink.

The parties were in the same area, roughly about 90 miles away from where we live. I refuse to drive if I've been drinking but I'm ashamed to admit that I have no problem with getting in the car with him if he's been drinking. Earlier in the week H had suggested we rent a room. He figured we would both be drinking and knew the burden of driving would be on him. Since I knew I wouldn't be drinking I offered to be the designated driver. About 5 miles away from home the freeway was closed unexpectedly for repairs. Everyone was forced to exit the freeway and follow the detour route by street. As I drove along I realized that I was going the same route I would take when I was drinking daily. My routine was to stop on my way home from work to buy vodka and then finish it off before I reached my freeway exit. Since this was a daily routine I did not want to stop at the same liquor store every day. I was worried the clerk might think I was an alcoholic! For some reason I find that to be funny now, especially since I AM an alcoholic. Anyway, I soon figured out every liquor store on my route home and would alternate the stores I stopped at. It's also worth noting that although I refused to drive AFTER drinking I saw nothing wrong with drinking while I was driving. I would wait until I had about 2 miles to go and would down the equivalent of about 4-5 drinks. I'm a binge drinker, obviously. I told myself that it didn't count as driving while intoxicated since the alcohol would begin to affect me as my drive home ended.

As I drove home tonight and remembered the various lengths I had gone to just for a drink it saddened me. The compulsion/obsession to drink followed by the despair and self loathing was terrible to remember. It was horrific when I lived it day after day. There is also a part of me tonight that is very grateful that I am no longer in that place. Those days are gone and I'm going to do everything in my power not to have to go there again. I want to recover. I will recover.

Feeling good.

Thursdays have notoriously been my rough days. It's the day H always goes out with the guys and leaves me alone with the kids. I have tons of resentment about it. I dealt with that resentment by ordering in and drinking the night away. Today was different. Although the thought of alcohol entered my mind I didn't feel the obsessive compulsion that I have felt on previous Thursday's. I was able to ignore it. In the absence of the compulsion to drink I noticed I felt on edge and irritated. I didn't want to drink but I wanted to do something. I felt like I was climbing the walls. All of these possibilities came to mind. I thought about going shopping, taking the kids to get ice cream, anything just to get out. The problem was I didn't really want to do any of those things, nor did I really have the money to do them. I decided to start dinner and was looking out the window while I thought about what to make with the chicken I had defrosted. I noticed the neighbors tree is hanging over into our yard and heavy with ripe oranges. I decided to make citrus/orange marinated chicken and orange pound cake for dessert. I LOVE to cook and instantly felt better. I gathered some oranges after I set the chicken to marinate S and I sat outside and ate oranges. They were so sweet and juicy. It was such a simple joy to sit with my baby girl and eat oranges. The marinated chicken and orange pound cake we had later weren't too bad either! I'm so glad I was able to stay sober today. It feels great.

I need to get out of my own head.

Today has been fairly uneventful. I thought about drinking once or twice this evening but I ignored it. So far the obsession/compulsion hasn't reared it's ugly head. That's a relief. I've also been thinking about this weekend. The past few times I tried to stop drinking I felt myself dreading the weekend, especially if it was a weekend where I knew our plans included places where alcohol would be prominent. This weekend we have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. As with pretty much every party I go to, there is always plenty of alcohol. Sunday, obviously is Super Bowl and we are invited to another booze laden affair. This time around I'm not the least bit concerned. I feel confident that not drinking will not be an issue for me. Although the confidence I'm feeling about being able to not drink is a bit concerning. Wow, talk about a catch 22. I'm probably just over analyzing the whole thing. I'll be fine.

Back from Vacation

First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.

Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.

Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.

Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.

Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.

We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.

Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.

Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.

Tired of the lies

I posted a while back about slipping. I ended up taking swings of vodka from a bottle H keeps in the garage. The bottle was half full but once I was done with it there was maybe a shot or two left. The next day I was ashamed and upset about the amount I had drank. I made a mental note to replace the alcohol. I did not want H to know I had drank his vodka. The reason I say HIS vodka is because H is possessive to the point of stingy with everything. Money, food, alcohol, toiletries, you name it. It bugs him when I use HIS lotion. It took me ages to realize that he places his toiletries a certain way on his side of the bathroom sink so he can tell if I used something of his. It's ridiculous but most things are when it comes to H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.

Late night inspiration

This post spoke to me. Thank you Mr. SponsorPants


In an instant

Cherry Limeade

I haven't had a drink since New Years Day. I'm slowly inching my way towards 2 weeks of sobriety. As I mentioned before, its been very difficult for me to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks. Predictably I want a drink. No, I take that back. I do NOT want a drink. I never want to drink again but yet the obsession/compulsion to drink is there. I hate it. I had a lovely day. S and I met up with a friend of mine so our girls could have a play date. Later we went to lunch. It was nice catching up with my friend for some much needed girl talk/adult conversation. This evening is quite nice as well. H is out so it's just the kids and I. I ordered my favorite piazza for dinner and washed it down with root beer. Now we are snuggled in out pj's watching Up, our new favorite movie. But yet my mind keeps wandering to alcohol. I dont want a drink, I dont need a drink. I'm fine without alcohol but this damn obsession/compulsion simply will not leave me alone. My addiction is trying to wear me down. It wants me to think I want a drink when I know I don't. I'm not going to give in. I can do this. I'm going to mix myself some cherry limeade with lots of crushed ice. That beats alcohol any old day!