Trying to keep it together.

I’m feeling drained today. The kids and I had a fun weekend but it was stressful on an emotional level for me. H is trying to play some sort of mind game and it’s taking a lot of energy to simply ignore it. Last week he invited me to the basketball play-off game for Friday night. His invitation upset me on many levels. First of all we are SEPARATED. He’s made it very clear on numerous occasions that he has no interest in going anywhere with me. He’s been to quite a few sporting events the past year (as usual) and has only invited me to 1 game. That was after the time he called me stupid. Remember this post? I think it was his way of trying to smooth things over between us. Anyway he invited me to Friday’s game and I declined. I was bothered that he would invite me. He’s made it very clear on several occasions how much he hates going places with me.  Either he tells me I’m not invited or when we do go some place together he sets out to be rude, insult and humiliate me. After the last incident when he left me at the restaurant I decided to separate. I made it very clear that I have no intention of ever going anyplace with him again. I released him of any obligation to spend time with me. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. So what does he do? He decides to invite me on a date. I declined so he went on to say that he was NOT going to take no for an answer. He said I was being stubborn and acting like a stick in the mud. Great, more insults! He said he was going to continue to ask me until I agreed to go with him. I alternated between ignoring his invitation or responding with a terse No thanks. After a while he started adding ‘incentives’ he said he would get me a new iphone, a new designer purse, etc if I agreed to go with him. His offer made me very angry. How dare he think that I can be bought.  There isn’t enough money or gifts in the world to get me to go anywhere with him. I didn’t really want to get into it but I reminded him that he told me he hates going places with me and that I’m an embarrassment to him. I suggested he ask someone else instead. He looked me straight in the face and denied all of it. Every horrible, insulting thing he said to me. Denied. All. Of. It.  It’s incredible how deep his denial goes. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and refuses to accept my decision to separate. He acts as though he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m just being difficult by setting my boundaries and refusing to remain in a destructive relationship with him. At times it’s infuriating but mostly it’s just sad.

This weekend I took the kids HERE for ice cream and to check out the new pins. I try to take them once a month and H never goes with us. Naturally this time he insisted on coming with us. It was awful. He spent the entire time checking his phone and ignoring the kids and I. Having him there was worse than going without him. His energy is so negative. All he did was ruin everyone’s good time. Although to be honest S didn’t notice a thing but the boy did. I could see him watching his dad and trying to guage his mood. We usually check out the pins, have a sundae then walk around H-Wood Blvd reading the stars. Our last stop is always HERE  where we have fun matching up our hands and feet to the different imprints. This time the boy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and after our ice cream he said he didn’t feel like walking around. I’m pretty sure the boy said that for his dad’s benefit since H looked bored the entire time we were there but I let it go. Truth be told I didn’t feel like doing our usual routine either. H being there was putting a damper on the day.

Yesterday was a little bit better. I hid out in my room most of the morning. I started to go stir crazy around 11am so I decided to take the kids to DCA. I’ve been working the past few weeks so I decided to splurge on annual passes for the kids and I. (Thank goodness I bought our passes 2 weeks ago since the prices of the passes/tickets went up yesterday. I though the price I paid for the pass was expensive. Now it’s outrageous!)  We got there by noon and had a great time. Our visits used to be focused on getting on the rides and we never paid much attention to the shows. Since we now have a pass we were able to see a show and not feel like we were missing out on the rides. Speaking of my job. This might be my last week here. I’m on assignment through an agency and it’s scheduled to end 5/24 but there’s the possibility that it could be extended. I’ll know more within the next few days. I’m hoping it will be extended because I don’t want to go back to staying at home but I’m not going to worry about it.  If it doesn’t get extended I have faith that something else will come along for me.  

The view from up here.

It’s not much to look at (especially since it's a muggy day) but it’s a desk by the window at my NEW JOB!!!! That’s right. I got a job. It’s a temp job through an agency but hopefully 3 times is a charm and this will end up being permanent. Either way I am just so very, very excited to be working again. I feel very lucky to have been offered this opportunity. Remember how my last post was about getting rid of negative energy to make room for blessings to enter my life? Well I truly believe that this job is my blessing. Last week I was sitting home in the middle of the afternoon practicing my meditation. My baby girl was taking a nap so the house was quiet. I had forgotten to silence my c-phone and it rang just as I was getting into my meditation. I silenced the phone and continued with my meditation. After my meditation I woke S up and began to get her ready to pick up the boy from school. I happened to look at my phone and noticed there were 2 calls within 1 hour from that same number I ignored earlier. I checked my VM and it was a temp. agency asking if I was available. I was so I called them back and we chatted about the position. I agreed to fax them my updated resume so the agency could forward it to the client. Once that was done I headed out to pick up the boy. It was really hot here, almost 100 degrees, so I decided to take the kids for ice cream sundae’s. While we were eating our sundae’s I got an email from the agency and it said, “They loved your resume and want you to start Friday” I couldn’t believe it. I went from no job to having a job within 1 hours time! It’s now my 3^rd day on the job. I’m all set up with all the necessary computer access and I’m working my fingers to the bone. It feels good.

I’ve met quite a few people and two in particular have been especially friendly. They always invite me to join them on their breaks and for lunch. Today we walked down to the Grand Central Market for lunch. On the way back I hopped on Angel’s Flight. Both were new experiences for me.

I’d also like to mention that I’m still on my quest for sobriety. I wish I could say that I’m 100 sober but that would be a lie. What I can say is that I haven’t had a drink in almost a week and overall I’m drinking much less than usual. Since I’ve begun meditating I have to say that the ‘obsessive compulsion’ to drink that would plague me on previous attempts to be sober has diminished. Thank God. I’ve also been listening to this guided meditation on addiction. I’ve scheduled a one-on-one Reiki Healing session so I’ll be sure to post about that experience. I’ve asked the healer to include addiction when working on my healing. I’m very optimistic about the results.

I drank.

After posting I pulled into my driveway and went into the house. I had been doing laundry before I left so I went into the garage to check on my load. That's when I remembered the open bottle of vodka H keeps in the garage. I walked right over and pulled it out. I held it in my hands and wrestled with whether or not I really wanted a drink. I did. I thought through the drink...I still wanted it. I thought about how much I want to be sober. I thought about the fact that I gave up drinking for Lent. I still wanted it. I told myself that after I finished the laundry if I still wanted it I could have ONE.

Laundry was all done, folded and put away. I still wanted it. So I had one drink. Then I had another. I thought about another but decided that a beer would be 'better' I poured myself a beer and happened to look at the time. It was almost 1am, the whole house was asleep. Hell just about everyone, everywhere was asleep. It was the middle of the night and I was drinking. I threw the beer down the drain and went to bed. This morning I threw out the rest of the vodka along with the open bottles of tequila, rum and bourbon. H is a beer drinker but he keeps those bottles for company. Those bottles, the vodka in particular, have been my downfall in the past. They have to go. H isn't going to be happy when he realizes that I threw them out. Oh well. This is my house too and I do not want them around.

Back to day one. What a drag.

The realization

I posted this on a msg board a few months ago. I thought it would be a good idea to post it here too. It's what was going on in my life that made me think alcohol was taking over my life.

I recently realized that I need to stop drinking. My drinking has gotten very compulsive, very rapidly. I was a SAHM for the past 2 years. While being a SAHM I focused on my kids and paid little to no attention to H. I denied the reality of my situation and just focused on getting through the day. I got a job in May and have been trying to hold everything at home together and ignore the fact that I have no marriage. I rush home, make dinner, check homework, get the kids ready for bed then spend the rest of my evenings alone, I also sleep alone. It is my belief that H is an alcoholic, he comes home after drinking all day at work (which he denies) and passes out on the couch. There is no relationship what-so-ever between us. 

After a few weeks of this insanity I started drinking when I got home to “relax” (aka try to keep the denial about my life/marriage going) I’ve always been a binge drinker but have never felt the type of compulsion to drink that I began feeling a few weeks ago. In the span of about 5 months I went from the occasional bender when out on Friday or Saturday night to drinking a pint of vodka every single night and wine/beer or whatever else was available to get me going the next morning. One day h confronted me about my drinking (pot calling the kettle black). Naturally I denied that I was drinking too much. I set out to “show him” that I could stop at a glass or two of wine every night. 

That’s when things went downhill even further. I began stopping at the store after work. I would buy ½ pint of vodka and a 16oz bottle of coke zero. I would empty out half of the soda and pour in the ½ pint of vodka. 

Did anyone else know it fits perfectly? Not a drop wasted!!

Since I had S with me I didn’t want to drink and drive so I would park a few blocks away from my house, discard the evidence (vodka bottle) and chug the entire thing within 10 minutes and drive home. Naturally after having that much to drink in that short period of time I didn’t even want the glass or two of wine a night. Until I did.

One day during my “routine” I happened to glance back at S as I was pouring the vodka into my soda. Her face was expressionless, she was just watching me. She’s 2 so she obviously had no idea what I was doing or why I did it every day. The shame and guilt flooded me instantly. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I SWORE I would never be one myself. Naturally, I still drank my concoction but for the next few days was able to ride the shame and guilt and stop myself from doing it again. 

Then they day came when h picked up S from daycare. Well it was game on, right? 

That’s when it sunk in fully that I have a BIG, BIG problem. I’m an alcoholic. I still drank but tried to prove to myself that I could drink like a ‘normal person’ on weekends and such. No more drinking during the week. It didn’t work. I had seen the TRUTH and there was no way for me to ever “unsee” it. Although I know the day may come where I forget it. 

So I quit. I’m on day 5 of my recovery. I’ve gone to 2 AA meetings and plan on going to one tonight, tomorrow and another on Sunday. This is my first “sober” weekend and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll drink, scared what will happen if I don’t drink and have to sit with my feelings about h and my marriage. My home and h are my triggers. I can’t hide from it any longer. I have to recover so I can finally deal with this marriage and move on to build a better life for me and S. That will never happen if I continue drinking.

The pull

I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.

So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.

Revenge of the OBSESSION.

I was doing pretty good today. I'm not sure what happened but I know where the urge to drink is comig from. I suppose that's a start. I picked up my kids after my class and came home to a messy house, my monthly is 3 days late and I'm very irritable. Every single thing makes me want to jump out of my skin. The dog barking, my kids requesting a snack or something to drink. My daughter asking me to put on Incredibles for the millionth time. My son excitedly wanting to discuss our upcoming weekend trip to Disneyland. The tv is too loud, the light too bright. I went to my room to decompress and the kids followed me. They wanted to snuggle with me on my bed. It's cold out so we are all in lounge wear. Perfect for snuggling but yet I want to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE. I won't though. It's not their fault. They are just kids and on most days I welcome the requests for a snack, or the invitation to watch Incredibles for the millionth time and love snuggling with them but not today. Not right now. A drink would take all of those irritable, unkind feelings away. It'll make this moment in my life bearable. One drink won't hurt, right? I can always quit again tomorrow, right?

Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.

Mission Accomplished

I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!

I chose recovery.

Today was rough. I struggled with my sobriety for most of the evening. Almost all of the triggers I felt were due to H. Now, I know that I cant always blame him for everything but in this instance it really does come down to him and his attitude towards me.
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.

On the bright side I didn't drink today!

Back from Vacation

First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.

Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.

Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.

Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.

Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.

We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.

Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.

Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.

Cherry Limeade

I haven't had a drink since New Years Day. I'm slowly inching my way towards 2 weeks of sobriety. As I mentioned before, its been very difficult for me to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks. Predictably I want a drink. No, I take that back. I do NOT want a drink. I never want to drink again but yet the obsession/compulsion to drink is there. I hate it. I had a lovely day. S and I met up with a friend of mine so our girls could have a play date. Later we went to lunch. It was nice catching up with my friend for some much needed girl talk/adult conversation. This evening is quite nice as well. H is out so it's just the kids and I. I ordered my favorite piazza for dinner and washed it down with root beer. Now we are snuggled in out pj's watching Up, our new favorite movie. But yet my mind keeps wandering to alcohol. I dont want a drink, I dont need a drink. I'm fine without alcohol but this damn obsession/compulsion simply will not leave me alone. My addiction is trying to wear me down. It wants me to think I want a drink when I know I don't. I'm not going to give in. I can do this. I'm going to mix myself some cherry limeade with lots of crushed ice. That beats alcohol any old day!

End of my rope

It is a beautiful day here today. The events of last night (which I’ll get to in a minute) have been weighing heavy on my mind. I hoped walking around outside during my lunch break would help clear my head. It helped a little bit. I’m grateful for that.

Last night was my women’s book study meeting. I have about 20 minutes from that time I get home until I have to head out to the meeting. I spend that time changing out of my work clothes into jeans/t-shirt, setting out S pajamas (H won’t put them on her unless I set them out) and then figure out something easy that H can prepare for the kids should he feel like it although usually he can’t be bothered and ends up ordering in. We had lots of leftovers from the weekend so I figured he could warm whatever the kids felt like eating. H had his friends over for a drink fest Saturday night. A few people spent the night and so they all proceeded to drink Sunday away too. On a side note, I NEVER noticed how bad hungover people smell. Two people in particular, a couple whom I actually quite like, made my entire living room reek. I suppose it doesn’t bother them since they both stink and therefore they cancel each other out but WHEW! I almost gagged out loud a few times. I tried to stifle the noise but it was almost impossible. I feel like gagging just thinking about it! Anyway, in between drinking they ordered breakfast, lunch and dinner from various places near our house. They hardly ate anything though. Honestly I think the only reason food was ordered at all was because I wanted to make sure my children ate and I was not about to be cooking for a house full of people.

H comes home, I brief him on the dinner situation, SHOW him where I’ve laid out S’s pajamas otherwise he won’t put them on her, kiss the kids and leave for my meeting. The meeting is from 6:30 and it’s about an hour. I chatted after the meeting with another woman I know from Wednesday’s Women’s meeting, wrapped up 2 cupcakes to bring to my kids and drove home. When I’m home we eat by 6:45-7:00, I give S her bath and by 8pm we are usually lounging on my bed. I read to her or we watch a cartoon together. 8:20 I help her brush her teeth and put her to bed by 8:30. Even when I was drinking this was my routine.

I got home a little after 8pm and walk in to find S sitting on the living room floor by H (who is passed out on the couch) eating candy out of her Halloween bucket and watching some reality cop show. Next to her Halloween bucket of is a half empty bottle of beer. She runs to me and asks for some juice to drink. I look back at the beer and wonder if she drank any of it. I pick her up and smell her breath. I don’t smell anything. I know she wouldn’t have swallowed much, if any at all. One time she took a sip of my d.coke and the carbonation/taste freaked her out. She let it dribble back out of her mouth and down her blouse. We go into the kitchen where I find the boy eating ice cream. I ask the boy what his dad warmed for dinner. He tells me that they haven’t had dinner yet. Suddenly I want a drink in the very worst way. I push that thought aside and go about feeding my kids, give S the quickest bath ever and put her to bed. I walk back to the kitchen and notice that H has come to. He is sitting up watching tv as though he wasn’t just passed out cold and NEGLECTING his children. I’ve learned from experience not to bother asking him how much he had to drink. He drinks at work so by the time he gets home there is no telling how many he’s already had. Plus he’s a liar. He’ll say that all he had was the lone half beer that is still sitting there. What’s more, if he would have remembered to throw the bottle away before passing out he’ll deny that he had anything to drink at all. I walked up to him and simply requested that he put the beer some place where S can’t get to it the next time he’s drinking. There’s no point saying anything else.

Now I’m conflicted about going to my meeting tonight. I hate the thought of leaving the kids in his care. That’s also why I’ve let him get out of sharing the responsibility of the children 50/50 which is what got me here.  The anger and resentment at having to do everything by myself.  All of the time. I know I’m not doing him any favors by enabling him to ignore his responsibility to his kids but when I try to force him into helping the kids are the ones who suffer. He’ll ignore and neglect them or he’ll be mean and short tempered with them. I hate this. All I want is to do right by my kids which starts with getting sober and staying sober but it’s hard when I feel as though I can’t take the time out to work on myself and my recovery.  I get home and am triggered all over the place to drink. I’m still feeling those triggers, I don’t see the point of going to the meeting tonight when I’m just going to come back to the same situation and the triggers are going to simply get stronger.

The other part of it, the hardest part for me is that once I’m sober and start building a new life it’s just going to be S and me. I can’t take the boy with me when I leave. I’m his step-mother. His bio mom passed away when he was born. I came into his life when he was 5 and I am the only mom he has ever known. I’ve asked H if I could adopt the boy but he always refuses. I have no legal ties or claims to him. Never the less, he is MY son and I am HIS mom. It kills me to think of leaving him, of separating him and S. She adores her big brother and he adores her just as much. They have so much fun together. You would think the age difference would be a factor in that but it isn’t. I can’t even imagine the damage I would do to the boy both emotionally and psychologically if I were to abandon him and take his sister with me. I can’t do that to him. I won’t.

I just feel so hopeless right now. I feel as though things are never going to get better no matter how hard I try. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel as though I am at the end of my rope and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. Right now it feels so much easier to let go and have a drink. I won't though. I'm going to resist the urge. I'm going to pick up dinner for my kids on the way home and then head out to my meeting. 

Friday meeting

I want a drink. I’m trying to figure out what’s triggered the obsession. Last night H went to the bar with the guys. I had hoped he would stay home so I could go to a meeting but naturally he refused. Being home alone with the kids while H goes out is one of my main triggers. I felt slightly triggered but it wasn’t bad. It was more of an annoying thought in the back of my mind. I ignored it. I carried on my evening as usual. Ordered pizza, colored with S, helped the boy with his homework. Then we watched a DVD of Halloween cartoons. Occasionally I would have ice cream as my treat/reward for not drinking but I didn’t even feel that was necessary. I was fine, I didn’t really have to struggle not to drink. Which why today’s obsession is a bit surprising although it shouldn’t be. I’m dealing with alcohol. Cunning. Baffling. Powerful.

I tried a new meeting last Friday. It was ridiculously close to my house and I met many wonderful people there. I’m looking forward to that meeting tonight. I could really use a good meeting today.