12/12 meeting

I really enjoyed my meeting this evening. I decided to attend a meeting about 1 minute away from my house as opposed to going to my women’s meeting. The women’s meeting is about 15 minutes away and lasts 1 ½ hour. The meeting down the street was an hour. It was a 12/12 meeting. The first I’ve ever been to and I LOVED it. A woman I had met at another neighborhood meeting was there. I met her one other time and she was very welcoming. We ended up staying 30 minutes after the meeting and talking. I told her a little bit about my situation, especially the part about being reluctant to leave the kids home with H. It’s hard for me to focus on the meeting when I’m watching the clock and wondering if the kids are ok with H. She mentioned that she has a daughter in High School who babysits frequently and that it would be no problem for her daughter to watch S so I could attend meetings. She acknowledged that we had just met but gave me her phone number, told me to call anytime, offered to meet me at meetings if I liked and said that I could go over to her house to meet her daughter and get to know her family better so I might be comfortable leaving S there.

I never did call her but I have thought about it many times. At tonight’s meeting we celebrated her 10^th birthday. She asked me to be the one to give her the cake. I was honored and very touched. I’ve been thinking about getting a sponsor and working the steps. I think she might be a good fit. I’m going to give her a call and ask her to meet me at a few meetings before making a definite decision. I’m also looking forward to meeting her daughter. It will be great if  her daughter babysitting S works out. Even if she doesn’t end up sponsoring me.  

Needless to say, I am feeling much better. The urge to drink is gone. The meeting was just what I needed. It feels really good to be sober tonight.  

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Last night at our women’s meeting the topic was “What has AA given to you” or if you are new, like me, then the question was “What do you hope to gain from AA”  You know, I had never really given that much thought. I knew going into this that I wanted to stop drinking. I knew AA was the way to do that, although I wasn’t sure how but I have faith that it will happen as long as I don’t take that first drink and keep going to meetings. Most of the women shared what they had gained from AA, and most of the women gained stuff that I haven’t lost due to drinking. Yet. The stuff they gained ranged from a relationship with their kids, many had teens and young adult children who had witnessed their alcohol addiction and were hurt and angry about it to being grateful that they were off the streets and no longer needing 60-70 beers a day. One other newcomer shared that although her 2 older children had been taken away she came to the meeting from a court hearing where her 4 month old daughter was going to be put back in her care. All of these stories were heartbreaking to hear. As it always is when I hear some of these women share. Although they’ve achieved sobriety and are living richer, more fulfilling lives the lingering pain and sadness over their past choices and mistakes is evident in their voices. Most of what they describe is so foreign to me but yet it’s easy for me to imagine myself going down that same road eventually if I hadn’t decided to quit drinking. I think I’m learning the meaning of “take what you need and leave the rest”

So tonight is H weekly evening “out with the guys” which also happens to be one of my toughest nights to retain my sobriety. Last time I tried I fell off the wagon. I’ve been sober since but I’m worried tonight might be a repeat of last time. I still have the same old resentment towards H about leaving me home with the kids while he’s off having a great time. I’m going to try with all my might not to let it get the best of me. I don’t have to drink, I know that. As long as I don’t take that first drink I will be ok. I’m going to take it hour by hour this evening, minute by minute if I have to. I have a women’s call list and plan on using it if the temptation becomes too great. Wish me luck.

Home meeting

Tonight is my women’s meeting and I am really looking forward to it. I’m probably going to make it my home meeting. This was the first meeting I ever went to. Initially I felt very out of place. Well what did I expect it was my FIRST AA meeting. Right!? But that wasn’t it. As I sat there and listened to other women share I couldn’t identify. I really wanted to feel as though someone there, anyone Got Me. The group was a mix of old-timers and newly sober. Most of the newly sober were currently inpatient and their stories didn’t resonate with me. There was one old-timer who celebrated her 31 b-day that night but I grew disenchanted with her because she didn’t appear to be paying attention or being very respectful. She repeatedly checked her phone, texted and had side-conversations during the meeting. I guess I expected more. I’ve heard that one of the most important things to do in AA is sit down, shut up and LISTEN. After the meeting I decided to continue looking for a home meeting. The next night I went to another women’s meeting a few towns over. I felt as though I had more in common with these women and I really identified with this one woman’s share. Although I felt comfortable at that meeting I decided to continue trying out other meetings before deciding on a home meeting. Although now that I think about it, I have no idea why I decided I MUST commit to finding a home meeting.

So it’s been over 2 weeks and I’ve tried a new meeting just about every day and you know what? Although I felt the most comfortable at the meeting a few towns over I think I’m going to stick with my original meeting. Let me explain why.  As far as appearances go I look very ‘put together’ I’m good looking, I have a good job, make a very decent salary, drive a nice car, have a husband, kids, own a nice home in a nice neighborhood with a swimming pool, etc, etc,etc. At every meeting the people I met were all very friendly and welcoming to me. However when I gathered up the courage to share my story I began to see something else. I could literally see people’s perception of me change. Alcoholism is steeped in feelings of shame and unworthiness. It’s these feelings of not being good enough that drive us to drink and keep us drinking. As I shared I began to see surprise in their eyes that me, someone who looked like she had it ALL felt and did the same things they did when in the grip of a drinking binge. I may have gotten into the meeting by a different route but we had all traveled the same path into the downward spiral of alcohol addiction. They say in AA to take what you need and leave the rest. I’m hoping that the women in the meeting who are inpatient will take from my share that they too can have it all. Being an alcoholic doesn’t mean you are worthless or can’t achieve any measure of success in life. The Alcoholism elevator goes one way, straight down but you can chose to get off at any floor. This is my floor and I’ll be waiting for them on the other side.