Panther

I've been feeling so much better. My therapy sessions have helped me manage my emotions and put situations in perspective when I'm feeling overwhelmed. However I was still feeling tightly wound up. I've continued to grind my teeth at night, clench my teeth during the day, get daily headaches and constant body aches. My therapist suggested I look into yoga, massage therapy or meditation. I feel so low on energy I didn't think I could muster the effort to try yoga. I don't want anyone to touch me so massage was out. That left meditation. I was skeptical to say they least but I figured it was worth a shot. At least I can say that I tried, right?

I did some research and found a local Sanctuary/Studio. They offer a wide range of holistic therapies including guided meditation and yoga. I looked over their website and and noticed they also offered seminars on various topics. The following seminar caught my eye:

Energy Management 101: Purification & Protection 

Protection comes naturally through the process of purification and ascension.  It is by working with the highest vibrations that we are able to repel the lower vibrational energies from our bodies and our lives.  An in-depth discussion of energy will teach participants about the world of energy and will help us to identify what it is within ourselves that may attract negativity towards us.  Awareness and taking responsibility for one's own energy are the first steps which allow us to walk between the Spiritual and Physical worlds without fear.

Participants will learn how to manage their own energy through the process of purification and clearing away of negative energy which creates space to allow blessings to enter into our life.  There will be an in depth discussion of energy and how to channel it for the purposes of protection, blessing and purifying objects, our bodies and personal space. Energy enhancing exercises will be practiced to strengthen and purify the aura as well as techniques on circle casting, shielding and more.  Participants will also learn how to create holy water and make purifying salt scrubs. 

Ok. I'll admit it. The part about identifying what it is within ourselves that attracts negative energy is what initially intrigued me. Clearing negative energy, creating apace to allow blessings to enter, purify my aura? Ok, I wouldn't mind trying that. I wasn't convinced it would work but it was worth a shot. As for the circle casting, shielding and lets not forget creating holy water and making a purifying scrub. Well I thought it was all rubbish. I figured it would be entertaining at most.

I don't think I have ever been more wrong. Seriously. The entire experience was better than I could have imagined. The guided meditation was unbelievable. I had a hard time following where we were being guided. There was talk of a forest but all I saw was a meadow with a creek running along it that backed into the side of a cave. I tried to follow the guide but eventually gave up. I just let myself go where it wanted. We were instructed to find our "guide" It could be anything animal, angel, etc. My mind started to resist but I tried to ignore my skepticism and focus on the meditation. It was challenging but I managed to do an ok job. The meditation wasn't very long, maybe 10 minutes. After we were done we were invited to share our experience. My initial impression was that I hadn't gotten anything out of it and most likely hadn't done it right so I decided to share my experience.

• I shared not being able to stay in the forest. I kept ending up by the creek. 
• The animal that came to me was a black panther.
• We were instructed to ask our guide, in my case the panther, what it's name was and how I could call upon it. My panther didn't answer me. I don't think it can talk.
• When the panther came up to me it simply stood next to me. Instinctively I put my hand on its head but that was it. The panther didn't guide me anywhere or share some impressive insight. It just stood there and basically paid no attention to me. 

I was blown away by the feedback that I got. Here is what having a black panther as a guide represents:

The panther is a very powerful and ancient totem. It is generally associated with a particular species of leopard or jaguar although the cougar is also referred to as panther. As with most of the large cats, the panther is a symbol of ferocity and valor. It embodies aggressiveness and power.The panther has over 500 voluntary muscles that they are capable of using at will. This reflects a great deal about an individual who has such animals as a totem. It reflects an ability to do a variety of tasks as he or she wills. It is simply a matter of deciding and putting to use those particular “muscles,” be they physical, mental, psychic, or spiritual. 

As a whole panthers are loners (solitary) although they do associate with others, they are most comfortable by themselves or within their own marked territory. They are drawn to those individuals who are likewise often solitary.Panther is secretive, silent, and graceful in her every move. She is solitary by choice, she tells little though listens much. She is careful not to share too much information, only enough to ease curious minds. Panther is often a symbol of darkness, death, and rebirth from out of it. There still exists in humanity a primitive fear of the dark and of death. The Black Panther helps you to understand the dark and death and the inherent powers of them; and thus by acknowledging them, eliminate your fears and learn to use the powers. This is the totem of greater assertion of feminine in all her aspects: child, virgin, seductress, mother, warrioress, seeress, and the old wise woman.

When the Black Panther enters your life as a totem, it awakens the inner passions. This is capable of manifesting in unbridled expressions of baser powers and instincts. It is also capable reflecting an awakening of the kundalini, signaling a time of not just coming into one’s own power. More so, the keynote of the Black Panther is Reclaiming One’s True Power. The panther always brings guardian energy to those to whom it comes. The panther often signals a time of rebirth after a period of suffering and death on some level. This implies that an old issue may finally begin to be resolved, or even that old longstanding wounds will finally begin to heal, and with the healing will come a reclaiming of power that was lost at the time of wounding.

Nietzsche once said, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” It is this same idea that is awakened in the lives of those who open to the power of the panther totem. The panther marks a new turn in the heroic path of those to whom it comes. It truly reflects more than just coming into one’s own power. Rather it reflects a reclaiming of that which was lost and an intimate connection with the great archetypal force behind it. It gives an ability to go beyond what has been imagined, with opportunity to do so with discipline and control. It is the spirit of imminent rebirth.”

Now the regular followers of my blog will understand just how significant it is that a panther came to guide me. Also, remember that creek I kept seeing? Well panthers are usually found near water and caves. The reason it didn't tell me it's name is because when I asked it the answer it gave me was not of it's name. It said, "You don't have to call me because I am always with you. I never leave you. I walk side by side with you." I can imagine how corny this might seem but it is the truth. This is what the panther told me. I cried when he said that. It touched a place so deep inside of me. I could feel in his words that he was telling me the truth. His words made perfect sense. Somehow on another level of my awareness I knew that he HAS always been with me. I cried. The experience was so very powerful.

 I don't want to make this too long but I still have so much to share about my experience. I don't think I can cover it all in one blog post. I'll stop now, hopefully I've given you something to chew on. 

Last installment to My Story

 I realized that I have been avoiding writing the next part of my story. It’s a very painful part of my life and it hurts me to think about. I’m going to try and write it out now.

I suffered from sever post-partum depression following the birth of my daughter. I was unable to care for my daughter. I couldn’t even be I her presence without having a massive anxiety attack. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. All I did was cry. All I wanted to do was leave. Get as far away from this house, my husband and my kids as I possibly could. I had no idea where I would go but I was deep in despair and desperate for relief. I can honestly say the thought of walking out the front door and never coming back appealed to me. I was literally crawling out of my skin with sadness and anxiety. I considered living under a freeway overpass down the street from my home. I drove by it and imagined what I would do to ‘fix it up’ I even considered suicide an option. Although I was very ill, I was very fortunate to have the insight to recognize what was going on with me. I KNEW I was sick. I contacted a dear friend who literally saved my life and my daughters life. She made my dr’s appt to be evaluated for PPD and drove me there. She spent the next 6 months taking care of me and my daughter. She is married and has a family of her own but her husband and mother’s shouldered the responsibilities so she could drive 45 minutes to my house ever single day and spend her day caring for my daughter and me. It took about 2 months for the dr to get the proper medication and doses right to deal with the anxiety and another 4 months for the depression to begin to lift.

My original plan had been to return to work following 8 weeks of maternity leave. My goal was to save money and move out by S’s first birthday. Needless to say that was out of the question. I was placed on Extended Disability due to PPD. It took 9 months for me to begin functioning normally and be released from disability. By then I had lost my job security. Under CA Law my employer is not obligated to hold my job longer than the 8 weeks originally allotted to me for maternity leave. When I notified my employer of my release and intention to return to work they laid me off. That was in April 2010. I have been searching for a job ever since. I was able to get 2 temporary assignments last year. They each lasted approx. 3 months. The last one ended on Nov. 30, 2011

During my periods of unemployment I have actively searched for a job and collected unemployment insurance. Currently I am taking a computer class to become certified in 2 very well known and useful applications. I’m about half way through the course. I’m hoping once I’m certified I’ll be able to finally find a full time permanent position.

That pretty much brings us up to date on my story. Although I didn’t like having to think about it and write it out it wasn’t as painful as I had feared. Funny how that’s usually the case.

The realization

I posted this on a msg board a few months ago. I thought it would be a good idea to post it here too. It's what was going on in my life that made me think alcohol was taking over my life.

I recently realized that I need to stop drinking. My drinking has gotten very compulsive, very rapidly. I was a SAHM for the past 2 years. While being a SAHM I focused on my kids and paid little to no attention to H. I denied the reality of my situation and just focused on getting through the day. I got a job in May and have been trying to hold everything at home together and ignore the fact that I have no marriage. I rush home, make dinner, check homework, get the kids ready for bed then spend the rest of my evenings alone, I also sleep alone. It is my belief that H is an alcoholic, he comes home after drinking all day at work (which he denies) and passes out on the couch. There is no relationship what-so-ever between us. 

After a few weeks of this insanity I started drinking when I got home to “relax” (aka try to keep the denial about my life/marriage going) I’ve always been a binge drinker but have never felt the type of compulsion to drink that I began feeling a few weeks ago. In the span of about 5 months I went from the occasional bender when out on Friday or Saturday night to drinking a pint of vodka every single night and wine/beer or whatever else was available to get me going the next morning. One day h confronted me about my drinking (pot calling the kettle black). Naturally I denied that I was drinking too much. I set out to “show him” that I could stop at a glass or two of wine every night. 

That’s when things went downhill even further. I began stopping at the store after work. I would buy ½ pint of vodka and a 16oz bottle of coke zero. I would empty out half of the soda and pour in the ½ pint of vodka. 

Did anyone else know it fits perfectly? Not a drop wasted!!

Since I had S with me I didn’t want to drink and drive so I would park a few blocks away from my house, discard the evidence (vodka bottle) and chug the entire thing within 10 minutes and drive home. Naturally after having that much to drink in that short period of time I didn’t even want the glass or two of wine a night. Until I did.

One day during my “routine” I happened to glance back at S as I was pouring the vodka into my soda. Her face was expressionless, she was just watching me. She’s 2 so she obviously had no idea what I was doing or why I did it every day. The shame and guilt flooded me instantly. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I SWORE I would never be one myself. Naturally, I still drank my concoction but for the next few days was able to ride the shame and guilt and stop myself from doing it again. 

Then they day came when h picked up S from daycare. Well it was game on, right? 

That’s when it sunk in fully that I have a BIG, BIG problem. I’m an alcoholic. I still drank but tried to prove to myself that I could drink like a ‘normal person’ on weekends and such. No more drinking during the week. It didn’t work. I had seen the TRUTH and there was no way for me to ever “unsee” it. Although I know the day may come where I forget it. 

So I quit. I’m on day 5 of my recovery. I’ve gone to 2 AA meetings and plan on going to one tonight, tomorrow and another on Sunday. This is my first “sober” weekend and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll drink, scared what will happen if I don’t drink and have to sit with my feelings about h and my marriage. My home and h are my triggers. I can’t hide from it any longer. I have to recover so I can finally deal with this marriage and move on to build a better life for me and S. That will never happen if I continue drinking.

Lets get caught up.

Its been so long since I posted that I don't even know where to begin. I don't want this to get too long so I'll focus on the highlights.
1. I'm still struggling with my sobriety." I drink less often and less than I used to but I haven't been able to stay sober longer than roughly 10 days at a time.
2. I celebrated my 38th birthday with my kids and close family. H was not interested in joining us and I didn't press the issue. I wasn't angry about it, mainly embarrassed. I couldn't pretend that everything was ok with us. His absence made it obvious that things are NOT ok between us
3. New Years Eve was spent here at home. Friends came over with their kids. At midnight we counted down then popped champagne. H came over and gave me an awkward hug, no kiss. It was weird but felt "right" somehow.
4. I havent found a job yet.
5. Our vacation/cruise is coming up and I am not looking forward to it. H planned it with this other couple and he'll pretend like everything is ok between us and expect me to do the same. I'm not going to worry about it though. The cruise is geared towards kids so I know my kids and I are going to have a blast!

A new Beginning Part 4

When I found out that I was pregnant I felt so many conflicting emotions. I was in shock, I was scared and I was very happy. When H and I decided to call it quits I seriously mourned the fact that we hadn’t had a child. I felt that I was never going to find someone else and have a child.  I thought long and hard about what to do next. I wasn’t afraid of being a single mom. I knew I could do it but I worried about the financial strain and how much work it is emotionally and mentally to be a single mom. I wanted a ‘Easier, Softer Way’ Basically I decided that I wasn’t going anywhere. I felt entitled to stay and FORCE H to support me in my pregnancy. Although honestly I had no intention of repairing our marriage. I still planned on leaving. I was just going to put it off for a while. I approached H one evening with the news that I was pregnant and basically told him the divorce was off. We NEVER discussed his affair or anything in regards to his DUI. Actually, I asked him once out of curiosity if he was still seeing her and he replied with great bitterness and anger that she ‘REFUSED’ to speak or have anything to do with him. He blamed me for her decision. I don’t remember what my response was but I imagine it wasn’t very nice. Although thinking about it now, I find it amusing J

For the most part the pregnancy was uneventful. The baby was developing just fine and I immersed myself in getting the nursery ready. I paid little to no attention to H and it bothered him. For the first time in our marriage I truly did not care about him one bit. He occasionally tried to bait me into arguing but I refused. Eventually he found the right button and it was Game ON! He mentioned one day that he doubted I was carrying his child. He insisted on a paternity test before he would accept her as his own. The NERVE. He was the one who was unfaithful, not me! How dare he suggest that the child I carried wasn’t his. On one level I knew that he was just trying to hurt me but on another level it hurt and angered me to no end. How dare he!?

I decided to go ahead and allow him to have his ridiculous paternity test. I researched them and found out that although it’s possible to have one done before the baby is born it’s risky. The complications included infection, premature birth and death of the fetus. I was not willing to have the test performed. On my next visit I spoke to my ob/gyn and explained the situation to her. She was very sympathetic. She said we could have the test performed before the baby was discharged from the hospital. It would be a simple swab of her inner cheek. Insurance would not pay for it so H would be responsible to pay the fee plus the cost to have the resulted expedited.  I approached H and let him know the details of the paternity test and the expectation that he pay for it. I very firmly told him that once this test was performed and the paternity established I never, ever wanted to have that discussion with him again. My worst fear was that one day S would find out about it and be crushed. I couldn’t do that to her. Nobody deserves to feel unwanted. Especially because aside from H’s antics she was so very wanted by so many people. My mom, sister, best friends, her grandparents, everyone was looking forward to the birth of my daughter. In the end he dropped the matter. I suppose it was only worth mentioning to hurt me and not worth fighting for once I decided to give him what he wanted.

My beautiful baby girl was born on a warm summer afternoon. I fell instantly, completely in love with her. She is truly the very best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ll end this post with a reference to one of my favorite quotes, “She’s everything I never knew I ALWAYS wanted”

A New Beginning Part 3

Once I had moved into H’s house he began to work late. He’d leave at 6am and wouldn’t come home until after 7:30pm and he always reeked of beer. I’d get home from work and make dinner then end up waiting hours for him. He wouldn’t answer my calls nor would he call me back. This happened repeatedly. In addition he decided that he was not interested in the weekly date night that he had promised me prior to our wedding. He would always have some sort of excuse, either he worked late (AKA stopped at the bar before coming home), was too tired or didn’t have any money. We argued about it for weeks. Finally I confronted him about it and he admitted that he only made the promise so I would marry him. He had no intention of keeping his word. When pressed he became verbally abusive. He said that he didn’t like spending time with me, much less feel like going on a date with me. The more I insisted that he keep his promise the more hurtful he became with his comments.

The same went for his habit of stopping at the bar most nights after work. I later realized that it was his usual routine before our wedding. While dating we’d see each other on Wednesday and then on Friday-Sunday. I went to the gym every Tuesday/Thursday evening and Monday night’s I had dinner with my mom. We’d talk every night but he never mentioned that he had stopped off at the bar after work. I did however notice that he would frequently appear at my house intoxicated on Wednesday and Friday evenings. I spoke to him about it, primarily because I was concerned about him driving while obviously intoxicated. He understood my concern and seemed to curb his drinking. I know now that he just got better at hiding it from me on Wednesday and Friday’s. Once we got married and were living together it became difficult for him to continue to hide it from me and I began to see through his lies about working late or only having one beer. He also began to back out on gatherings with me and my family or making me very late to the events. Naturally he was always available for gatherings HIS family planned.  It became a huge source of tension between us. I set boundary after boundary that he trampled right over. I stopped making dinner for him, I threatened to leave without him if he wasn’t ready for an event on time. Occasionally I would pick up the boy from his mom’s house (she dropped him off at school and picked him up after school) but then he would only stay out later. He had some sort of unspoken agreement that he would pick up the boy from his mom’s house by 8pm at the latest. He rarely, if ever didn’t follow that agreement with his parents. Once I realized he was taking advantage of me picking up the boy by staying out later I refused to pick up the boy. I made good on all of my threats but nothing changed. Next I tried bargaining with him. If he would come home 4 nights on time and have dinner with me and the boy as a family then he could stay out as long as he wanted on Friday. Every Friday! He agreed but continued to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Once again, the more pressed and insisted that he keep his word the more verbally abusive he became. He blamed me for his drinking, said that he drank because he hated coming home to me, because I nagged him, etc,etc. It was awful. He said every hurtful thing you could imagine. He called me hurtful names and said horrible things about me.

While all of this was happening he also began withdrawing from me physically. That’s when he started sleeping on the couch and avoiding intimacy. When I would attempt to initiate he would get angry and accuse me of being sick. He told me that there was something wrong with me for wanting to be intimate. He said I turned him off. He also began to be mentally abusive. He’s play word games with me, never be honest about what he was trying to say or what he wanted. Later he’d say I was a bad wife because I wouldn’t read his mind. He told me one day that he shouldn’t have to tell me what he wanted. He insisted that I should know what he wanted and just do it. He said that was what a ‘good wife’ did. He’s also alternated between ridiculing me and ignoring me. One day after he treated me poorly in front of my family I confronted him on it. He broke down in tears and sobbed that everything was my fault. He was angry at me because I allowed my family to come over and the house wasn’t immaculate. According to him I had embarrassed him. Granted the house wasn’t as clean as I would have liked but never the less. This was my family. I’m secure in their love and acceptance of me. They couldn’t care less about the state of my house. It was a scorching hot day and I invited them over to swim in our pool on a whim.

During this time I kept trying and trying to make our marriage better. He refused couples counseling so I saw 3 separate therapists on 3 separate occasions. Each series of sessions came to the same conclusion, either I accept H for how he was and learn to detach from the hurtful comments or I leave him. I didn’t like either option so I’d find another therapist only to come to the exact same conclusion. Finally in October 2008 I decided that I had enough. We were barely on speaking terms, he was sleeping on the couch most of the time, we never went out or did anything together as a couple. He was still stopping at the bar after work and going out most nights on the weekend. I approached him about getting a divorce. I told him that I did not want anything financially from him and that I was willing to accept all responsibility for the demise of our marriage. He agreed. We talked it over and decided to make our split as amicable as possible. A few days later we shared one last intimate evening together. We hadn’t been intimate or shared a bed in months. He had gone out that night and came home very late. He was intoxicated and on one level I didn’t think we should be doing anything but on another level I was starved for affection and feeling very vulnerable. The next morning I suggested that he move permanently into our guest room and he agreed.

I was scheduled to go on a business trip in the middle of October. I had asked H to give me a ride to the airport and he agreed. He had moved into the guest room and things had been ok between us. I was very relieved that things would be over soon and I could go on with my life. The morning of my trip H failed to come home. I didn’t realize it until 3:30am when I got up to get ready for my trip. I needed to be at  the airport by 5am. I called his cell repeatedly but he never answered. Finally I loaded up my car and raced to the airport. Since I was expecting to be dropped off I hadn’t anticipated the additional time needed to drive myself, park in a lot then take a tram into the terminal. I barely made my flight. As soon as I stepped on the plane they closed the door and we began to back away from the gate. Once I was on the flight I started to get worried about H. I wondered if he had been in an accident, arrested or worse. I stressed about him the entire flight, which was about 5 hours. I was going across the country. Once we landed I turned my phone on and there were numerous messages from H’s mom. She was frantic with worry. H had arranged for the boy to spend the night with her because of my early flight. He was supposed to pick up the boy by 8am for soccer practice. He never showed up. By this time it was almost 10am. I didn’t know what to tell his mom. There was nothing I could tell her. I had no idea where her son was. She asked a million questions and part of me wanted to cover for her son but eventually I told her the truth. That he never came home. I told her my plane had just landed and I would call her back. I remember feeling so helpless. Here I was across the country and my husband was nowhere to be found. I remember feeling guilty. I kept thinking what if something horrible had happened to him? What kind of wife was I to hop on a plane without a care in the world?

I sat down in the terminal and got my bearings. First I called my mom. I told her what was going on and that his mom had called me frantic. She gave the details to my cousin who immediately called his wife who happened to work for the local Sheriff’s department. BINGO. My mom correctly suspected that he had gotten picked up for a DUI. As she was giving me the details of his dui H called on my other line. I clicked over and he told me pretty much what I already knew. I told him to call his mom. He refused. He hadn’t called me to let me know he was ok. He called me because he wanted me to call her with this made up story about why he hadn’t picked up his son. He wanted me to lie to his mom for him. I refused. He got very angry and started calling me all sorts of horrible names. I hung up on him and went back to the call with my mom. I told her what he had asked me to do and decided that I would call her and tell her the truth. My mom persuaded me to simply call her back to let her know I had heard from him and that any questions she has need to be directed at him. My mom didn’t want his mother to continue to worry needlessly about her son. She also did not want me to get in the middle of the situation by either lying for H or telling his mom the truth. My mom was worried about H and his anger towards me if I told his mom what really happened. His mom begged and begged me to tell her what happened. She kept saying that that he never tells her anything and that he never lets he know what’s going on with him. I wanted to tell her but I decided it was best to take my mom’s advice.  All I would tell her is that he was fine and would get in contact with her at some point but I had no idea when. After we spoke I claimed my luggage and took a cab to the hotel.

The details of the arrest indicated he was arrested at 2:30am, 30 miles away from our house and on the freeway headed even further away from our home. As far as I knew we didn’t know anyone who lived out that way and further why was he driving in the opposite direction of our house? I’m sure you can see where this is leading. After investigating a few avenues I found my answer. My investigations revealed a girl’s name and phone number. He had been cheating on me and was headed to his girlfriends house. I called her up and she was actually pretty nice. I think most of it had to do with how I approached the situation. I explained who I was and why I was calling her. I let her know that the only reason I called her was for answers since my H was a liar and couldn’t be trusted. I wasn’t angry at her. I was angry at H for betraying me. I asked if she knew he was married and she said she did. I also asked her if she knew that we were having problems and that I had asked him for a divorce. This was news to her. She had no idea. I wanted to ask her why she thought he would cheat on me “if everything was fine” but decided not to bother. She sounded very young so I asked her age. She was 21. H was 34. She also asked me a few questions, namely if I was going to tell him that she spoke to me and if I was going to try and get her fired since they worked together. I told her no on both counts. I was done speaking to him. It also wouldn’t serve any purpose to get either one of them fired. She could keep her job as far as I was concerned. I thanked her for talking to me and hung up.

I didn’t speak to H for the remainder of my trip. He called a few times, evidently the girl had told him about our conversation. I don’t know what he wanted to say. I ignored his calls. I finished my seminar and flew home. Once I got back I busied myself looking for a place ASAP and avoided H. I would leave for work after H and come home after he had gone to sleep. I wanted to be out by November 1 which gave me a little over a week to find a place. I decided it would be easier to find someone who was renting a room as opposed to an apartment. I found a place not far from where my old apartment had been. A single woman living with her 12 year old daughter had a room for rent. The rent was affordable and she seemed nice on the phone. We made plans to meet the next day after I got out of work. After our conversation I went to lunch. I had a headache that wouldn’t go away so I decided to stop for some headache medicine. As I was browsing the aisles I came upon the feminine protection aisle. I began to wonder if my headache was caused by pms. I looked at my calendar for the date and realized I was overdue for my monthly. Then I thought about that one night back in early October with H. We had used protection but still. I’m usually right on time. This time I was 2 weeks late. Yup, you know what’s coming next. I was pregnant.  

A New Beginning part 2

After we settled the child issue we carried on planning our wedding. Soon it was our wedding day. I decided not to drink at all before or during the reception. My relationship to alcohol was casual at the time and I knew that I didn’t need alcohol to have a good time. I also knew that I tended to forget small details when I drink and I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted to be 100% present for my wedding day. I told H of my plan and he said he wasn’t going to drink before the wedding either. It was a lovely ceremony and the reception was lots of fun. There was one moment in the limo on the way to the reception when H made a comment that gave me pause but I brushed it away. He sat back and sighed with relief and said, “Finally. I’m back where I was before” I wasn’t sure what he meant but I suspect that it had something to do with his first wife passing so suddenly after the birth of their son. I suppose he thought now that he was married again his life would once again be the way it was when he was married to his first wife.

The day after our wedding we left for our honeymoon. We traveled to a beautiful Caribbean Beach Resort. While there I saw a different side of H that led me to believe I had made a huge mistake in marrying him. The resort we stood at had a water park. Every day H and I would get an inner tube that seated 2 people and float around on their winding river. At some points it would have high waves, at other points we would float along rapids and at one point you could go up a huge conveyor belt and slide down a huge slide. You never had to get out of the water if you didn’t want to. It was great. One day as H and I decided to go down another slide that didn’t require an inner tube. While waiting in line two girls in front of me began discussing where they thought they could get an inner tube. From what I could tell they were visiting the resort for the day and didn’t have much money. They worried it would be expensive to rent an inner tube. One girl wanted to check out the price and the other didn’t see the point. She wasn’t willing to spend any money to rent an inner tube. I interrupted their discussion to tell them the inner tubes were free. However by this time in the day most were taken. I told them they would have to search around the edges of the river for an empty one and claim it. I directed them to a spot where H and I had good luck in finding empty inner tubes. They thanked me for the info and got out of line to find an inner tube. I turned to H and he had this weird look on his face. He looked like he wanted to laugh at me or had something to say but he kept quiet so I ignored the look. Later that day we were laying out I heard a couple arguing behind us. They were on a cruise and their ship had docked nearby. They had come to the resort for the day. It was early afternoon so most lounge chairs were occupied. People weren’t necessarily sitting in the chairs but there were hotel issued towels on the chairs so it was safe to assume they were taken. The couple had been walking around for a while and couldn’t find 2 chairs together. The man was complaining about the money spent to get into the resort and blaming her for being unable to find 2 chairs together. He sounded like a jerk and I felt sorry for the woman. She kept apologizing. She found one empty chair and was trying to persuade him to sit in it but he refused. A few minutes earlier I had noticed the people a few chairs over had left for the day. They hadn’t moved the towels from the chairs though. I let the couple know that those chairs were unoccupied and where they could get fresh towels. They thanked me, set down some stuff and walked off to get fresh towels. H turned to me and said with disgust in his voice, “You are so nosey. It’s embarrassing. You get into everyone’s business” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had never heard that tone of voice from him nor had I ever heard him speak to me with such disrespect. He also mentioned the earlier incident when I told the girls where to find an inner tube. I tried explaining to him that I was actually helping them not being nosey. It didn’t feel right to have information that would be helpful but say nothing. He continued to insist that I was nosey and an embarrassment. I remember feeling so very hurt by his comments. I didn’t know what to think. After a few minutes I went off in search of a cocktail. I think that might have been the first time of many that I used alcohol to soothe my feelings in this marriage.

Every night after dinner we would go to the casino in the resort. My game is Roulette. I have a standard series of numbers that I always bet on. I change them periodically, like when I added S’s birthday or when I have to change the number I use for my age.  Whenever I gamble it’s just for fun. I never bet more than I can afford and I always expect to lose everything that I came in with. H’s game was 21. He had never played Roulette but a few days into our honeymoon he decided to join me at the Roulette table. He stood next to me and we played Roulette. I always get very excited when one of my numbers comes up and I happened to be winning. I was laughing and joking with the other people at the table and the dealer running the Roulette table. I was having a great time. After a while I noticed H giving me a pointed look. I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to convey to me. He seemed to be uncomfortable about something. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing was going on. A short time later he pulled me aside and whispered in my ear, “Can you keep it down. You’re embarrassing yourself. You keep laughing loud and talking to everyone. Just be quiet” Once again I could not believe what I was hearing. Who did this kill joy think he is? I’m not embarrassing. I’m friendly! I’m nice! He’s the one being quiet and acting all aloof. He’s embarrassing! I was so hurt. I could not understand how he could be embarrassed about me and if that was the case why did he marry me? I never pretended to be anything other than who I was. This wasn’t the first time he got to see what kind of person I am. He knew, he’s always known. If my personality bothered him so much then how could he say that he loved me?  I would never tell anyone that I loved and cared about that I was embarrassed of them. Especially over something as insignificant as a being friendly, having fun, laughing!? It didn’t make sense to me. How could he want to spend the rest of his life with someone who embarrassed him so? I cashed in my chips and went up to our room. I was devastated. I felt deceived. I felt trapped. I wanted out. I decided to file for an annulment when we got back. Maybe I over reacted. I don’t know. The way he was speaking to me and what he was saying made it very hard to believe that he truly cared about me and loved me the way he said he did. To this very day I still have a hard time believing that he married me because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Eventually he came to the room and got into bed. We didn’t speak or touch the entire night. The next morning I got in the shower and cried. When I came out it was obvious that I had been crying. He took one look at my face and apologized. I questioned him about his comments and if he was really embarrassed. He tried to make excuses but he didn’t deny that he was indeed embarrassed. For the rest of our honeymoon I was anxiety ridden. I knew deep in my heart that I had made a BIG mistake. I kept thinking of the money I had spent on the wedding, my beautiful rent controlled apartment I gave up, I thought of my family and my friends. I worried about how it would look to file for an annulment right after the honeymoon. I was so ashamed that I had misjudged H. How could I have been so stupid? But wait! We got married in the Catholic Church. Divorces aren’t granted. I couldn’t get a divorce. I would be a sinner. If I went on to meet someone else I would be an adulteress. Good old Catholic Guilt at its best J

When we got back from our honeymoon I moved into his house.  I had given up my apartment earlier in the month and been staying with my mom before the wedding. One night I met my mom for dinner. I was still torn over everything that happened during our honeymoon. I tried to put it behind us but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a mistake. I also couldn’t bear to face the shame of filling for a divorce so soon after the wedding. (Although now I see that there is no shame in it. People make mistakes and it takes far more courage to admit those mistakes than it does to sit and do nothing) I confided in my mom. She was sympathetic but she reminded me that I had married within the Catholic Church and it was my duty to make this marriage work. She wouldn’t hear of me filing for a divorce. Resigned to my fate I returned to my new home. I cried all the way. I continued to cry every day on the drive home for months. As time passed I had more and more things to cry about.  

A New Beginning.

I have never gone back to read what I’ve posted so I’m going to start where I think I left off.  I had just gotten engaged to H, right? We got engaged in October and I wanted to put off setting a date and planning the wedding until after the New Year. I knew planning a wedding would be stressful and I wanted to enjoy being engaged for a little while.

In January we started thinking about dates, wedding venue and most importantly where we would live. I’ve always envisioned a Fall wedding so October seemed perfect to me. H on the other hand wanted us to get marries ASAP. One of the reasons for wanting to wait was because I knew that by marrying him I would automatically become a full time mother to the boy. I wasn’t ready for that. I’d always wanted to spend a few years with my husband before having a family. Since I was a lot older that I had imagined I would be when I got married and H had a son I knew that wasn’t an option. I discussed it at length with him and eventually we came to a compromise. H said that he would continue to the boy’s primary caregiver and I would support him. He told me that he did not expect me to ever be 100% responsible for the boy. He also promised that he would continue to have date night with me once a week. It sounded like a fair plan so we agreed to marry in June.

Once the date was sent we began planning the wedding and our life together. Two situations stand out in my head as being very significant. The red flags were waving away and I ignored them. The first issue was money. Who controlled the money, how much we could afford, how much we should/could spend. H had a substantial amount of savings set aside that he decided to use for the wedding. It was torture planning the wedding with him. We knew we were going to have 220 people but that was it. He refused to give me a budget for anything. I’d make appointments with florists, etc and ask him before hand how much we could afford. We needed at least 20 centerpieces plus the bridal party flowers, flowers for church, etc. We needed to be able to tell the florist how much we could afford. He would never give me an amount. All he would say is, “Let’s see what they come back with…” We ended up arguing over money constantly. I wouldn’t say that I’m cheap but I am thrifty. I like to stretch my money as far as I can and get the lowest/best possible price for everything. H on the other hand doesn’t see the point of buying when on sale or shopping around for the lowest/best deal. A perfect example is our cars. We both bought new cars in the months before the wedding. He paid full sticker price for his car at a 6% interest rate. I researched my car online, visited a few dealers and waited until the dealer had a 1.9% interest rate special. I went in and got my car for $5,000 below sticker price @1.9% interest rate. We should have sat down then and had a long talk about money and how we were going to conduct our finances as a married couple but we didn’t. We did however share our credit reports. Neither one of us had much debt. I had a student loan with about 7k owed (which will be paid off next year) and he had a credit card with about 9k owed on it.

The second situation involved children. I simply assumed that we would have children together. I never imagined that he wouldn’t want to have any more children. One day I asked him if he wanted a girl or another boy. I’ve always wanted a girl. He said that he never thought about it since he wasn’t going to have any more children. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. We talked it over and he remained adamant that he was not having any more children. Period. At this point we were about 2 months away from the wedding. I have no idea why we had never talked about the possibility of children before. I remember thinking that I would have to call off the wedding. I could not imagine marrying him and mothering his son but never having the opportunity to bear a child of my own. It was too much. I knew I would never be able to do it. We continued to discuss it for a few days. He kept trying to convince me that I would get over wanting to have a child, he tried to say that there was no guarantee that I was even able to conceive and have a baby, etc. He wanted me to give up my hearts desire for him and his son. Finally I couldn’t bear to discuss it anymore. I told him it was over. I would not marry him knowing that I would never get to have a child of my own. I was heartbroken but felt that he must not be the ONE for me and that I would find someone else.  When I broke the news to him, he looked shocked for about a second. Then he laughed and said, “I was kidding. Of course we’ll have kids. But just one” He hugged me and then wanted to proceed like nothing had gone on. I couldn’t leave it alone though. I wanted to know why he would joke about such a thing, especially when I didn’t think it was funny at all. In addition I wanted 2 kids not just one. He refused to agree to having two kids. So instead of doing the logical thing and sticking to my guns about us breaking up we argued about it for a few more days. Finally we agreed that if our first child was a boy we’d try again for a girl. If we got two boys then that was it. No more kids. However if our first child was a girl then we would be done having children. We went on to have our daughter and I do not plan on ever having any other children. Not only because of our agreement but due to completely different reasons that I will get to later.

The issue regarding children and his refusal to take my feelings about having children seriously should have been a huge red flag. He would not compromise until he realized that I would leave him. Then instead of apologizing and attempting to have an adult discussion about it he laughs in my face and goes back on everything he had said in defending his position not to have any more children. He tries to attempt to continue to control the situation by agreeing to only ONE child. It’s madness. I just wish I could have seen it then.

The Early Days-Final chapter

After our break-up I began going out, partying, dating and drinking  non-stop. I knew I wanted to get married and have children but I assumed that it would simply happen. I guess I assumed that on one of my frequent nights out I would meet the ONE. That didn’t happen.  I dated a few people but they were all casual. Nothing significant or long term. By mid 2004, I was growing tired of the scene and had gained 70lbs. I felt like hell and looked even worse. That year I spent Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. The day after Thanksgiving some friends came over and for some reason I decided to start drinking early in the day. I think I justified it by saying it was a Holiday weekend. I must have drank 2 bottles of wine in quick succession. All I remember is we went out to lunch and as soon as we got to the restaurant I went into the bathroom to vomit. I spent the majority of the time in the bathroom and eventually went out to the car to pass out. We had planned a shopping trip after lunch but I was in no condition to go. My sister took me to her house and I went upstairs to sleep it off. I woke up around 7pm and ventured downstairs. My nephew was 4 at the time and I remember how concerned he was about me. My sister told him I was sick so he offered me his blankie and asked if I wanted soup. We shared a can of soup then I helped my sister give him a bath and went back to bed. I woke up around 3am in the midst of an anxiety attack. I remember thinking with absolute clarity that if I didn’t stop drinking I would never get married or have children. I also knew that I was killing myself with alcohol. I was 30 years old and my father died of alcoholism at 32. I was terrified of going down that same path. I vowed to stop drinking and get my personal life back on track. I’m a highly functional alcoholic so I had been able to hold down my job and even advance in my field while drinking. That has continued to this day but my personal life was a mess, and still is.

I stopped drinking and joined the gym. I didn’t join AA or any other organization because I didn’t think I had a problem. I felt as though I had gotten out of hand but could curb back my drinking, practice moderation and things would be ok. Before long I started feeling and looking much better. It took about 1 year but I managed to lose 75lbs. I didn’t drink at all while I was actively trying to lose weight but once I hit my goal I allowed myself the occasional glass of wine or cocktail. I was no longer part of the night life so drinking to excess seemed pointless, especially when I thought about all of those empty calories.

Life was going good. I felt as though I had my whole life ahead of me and anything was possible. I started dating a little but it was kind of hard to find single men to date. I never date people I work with and decided to extend that to the gym after I had a bad experience with dating someone I met at the gym. My New Year’s Resolution for 2006 was to try online dating. I was determined to put myself out there. I really wanted to get married and have a family.  I set up and online dating profile and starting dating. I met H in March 2006. On our first date we met for appetizers/drinks. He seemed like a nice enough guy, easy on the eyes, good job, etc. He was very quiet though. It was difficult to engage him in conversation. At times I felt as though I was pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. I remember driving home thinking that I was never going to hear from him again. I assumed that he wasn’t that into me and didn’t think much more of it. The next morning I was very surprised to receive an email from him. He thanked me for a wonderful time and asked me out on another date. Now, this is where I should have realized that we would probably be better off as friends. I’m a big talker the fact that he made it very clear he’s not should have been a red flag but it wasn’t. We dated exclusively for the rest of the year. I was high on love and wore my rose tinted glasses 24/7. In October 2006 he proposed and I accepted. It was official. I was about to have everything I’ve always wanted. I was very happy and our future together seemed very bright.

The Early Days Part 3

So my ex and I got back together. I knew in the back of my mind that he didn’t believe that nothing happened between me and MP but like I mentioned before I was afraid to bring it up. I was happy we had gotten back together and I didn’t want to rock the boat. We got back together in November 2000 and at first things seemed fine. Little by little I started noticing that he was withdrawing from me. During our break-up I had started reaching out to friends and resurrecting neglected friendships. Once we got back together he always seemed busy so I began spending more time going out with my friends and drinking. The times we would get together he would always cut our dates short and refused to spend the night with me or be intimate. Occasionally I would insist that he come to my house and when he resisted I would tell him that I was going over to his house. He would relent and come over but he never seemed to want me at his house. One day before Christmas I was in his car and looked through his glove compartment. I found a receipt that had two identical women’s perfume sets. We used to do our Christmas shopping together so I knew that he had already gotten gifts for the women in his life, mom, sister, grandmother, etc. I suppose I must have known then that he was cheating but I refused to acknowledge it. I put the receipts back where I found them and didn’t say anything to him.

 That New Year’s Eve we were supposed to go out. I was determined to go over his house and spend the night. He was supposed to pick me up around 8pm so we could go out for New Year’s I don’t even remember what story I concocted but I do remember that I went early hoping to ‘catch’ him. He was surprised to see me and went off to shower. When he returned he asked me to leave his room so he could get dressed. He said something about it being inappropriate to his father whom he lived with. I thought that was odd. By this time we had been together for over 4 years and I had spent numerous days/nights at his house. His father had never had a problem with it before. I didn’t want to start a fight so I agreed. I went and sat in the living room with his father. His father and I chatted for a bit. I don’t remember the exact conversation but I remember getting the distinct impression that his dad thought his son and I had broken up. He mentioned that it was nice for me to come around again and he hoped to see more of me. I remember feeling shocked as the realization dawned on me. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to confront X because I knew it was true and didn’t want to have to face the thought that he had been cheating on me. After a bit his dad offered me a drink. You know, it being New Year’s Eve and all. He gave me this really stiff drink and I remember downing it and the whiskey burning my throat. His dad quickly refilled my glass and I drank that one too.  At some point X came out of the room and said he was ready to go out. By this time I was feeling tipsy and just wanted to sit at his house and drink until it didn’t hurt anymore. I was trying my hardest to deny what was right in front of my face. I don’t remember much of that night except I threw up in the bathroom sink and clogged it. Why I didn’t throw up in the toilet, I have no idea.

From that night on I spent all my time either obsessed with catching him cheating or drinking to try and forget that he was cheating on me. I managed to figure out his voice mail code and I’d check his messages all day while at work. When I got home I would get drunk and continue checking his messages into the early hours of the morning. I felt like crap and was hung over every day. I hit pay dirt on February 14. I randomly checked his messages from work after returning from lunch. There was a msg from this girl and she was thanking him for being a great boyfriend. She went on to tell him how much she enjoyed their special V-Day date the evening before. She also said that she was bummed he had to work on Valentine’s Day but looked forward to him coming over after his shift. Now, this guy did not work nights but it made sense that she would think that. How else was he supposed to explain his nightly absences!? Once again I was devastated. I listened to that msg over and over. Finally I recorded. I wanted to confront him and knew that without ‘evidence’ he would simply deny it and continue to lie to my face. He came over as planned that night and I played the msg from him. Naturally he lied. He said that he always get’s weird messages left on his answering machine, that I was being silly, that he would never cheat on me. I ended up throwing him out of my house and vowing never to speak to him again. True to my word, I refused to speak to him. He tried numerous time to contact me but I blocked his number and asked to switch my work phone number. After a while he stopped trying.

As for me, I cried, went out all the time and drank heavily for the next approx. 9 months. I still have friends that I met during that time and they’ve often commented, “I remember you were ALWAYS crying when I first met you. I’d see you at parties and clubs and you would be crying. It was weird” After a while I began to get over the heartbreak. It stopped hurting as much. The crying stopped but going out and drinking heavily continued until November 2004.

Edited to add: I thought about this as I was getting S ready to go trick or treating last night. For the next few years after my ex and I broke up I would dress up as Deenie Loomis from Splendor In The Grass for Halloween.

The Early Days Part 2

When we got back together things were much better between us. I think the time apart made us appreciate each other more. Our relationship coasted along, we began talking about marriage. He was 3 years younger than me and working while attending college at night. He wanted to wait until he graduated before getting engaged, I was ready for him to put a ring on it. He promised me we would get married and asked me to be patient. I agreed. Here is where the details get kind of fuzzy. I never did find out the exact chain of events that led to yet another very painful break up.

October 2000. I went over to his house one day. A neighbor had just been released from jail. As we left his house he said he was going to run across the street and say hi to the neighbor that had just been released. I got in the car and waited. He came back a few minutes later and we left. He spent the night at my house and I remember hugging and kissing him goodbye the next morning. Fall has always been my favorite season and I remember that it was a beautiful crisp fall morning. I started to get ready for work and just as I was about to leave he called me. He wanted to know if I knew some guy. I had no idea who he was talking about but he was insistent that I knew this person. Finally realization dawned on me. My heart dropped. He was asking about that one guy (MP) I had gone out with 2 years prior when we had broken up. I told him the truth. Yes, I knew who he was talking about but nothing happened. It was just a few dates. Nothing more. He became hysterical. He was crying and asking how I could do that to him. He kept insisting that I had cheated on him with his ‘homeboy’ he said I broke the ‘code’ and now he could never be with me again. Now I became hysterical. I kept trying to get him to listen and understand that NOTHING HAPPENED. Plus we had broken up and I had no idea he knew him. I would never date a friend of his. Round and round we went. Eventually he hung up on me and when I tried to call him back his number had been disconnected. He obviously called me with the intent to break up with me then hang up knowing I had no way to call him back since he changed his phone number. I was devastated, again. I didn’t see or speak to him for about a week. Although I tried. I drove to his house repeatedly and waited for him. He never showed up. Finally I caught him at home and he wouldn’t let me past the front gate. We were both upset and arguing loudly. I begged and pleaded for him to let me explain but he wouldn’t hear of it. I was so angry and hurt that I tried to hit him. I’ve never hit anyone in my life so it was one of those feeble girl hits. I tried to pound on his chest, I think. He avoided my fists and grabbed a hold of my wrists in attempt to calm me down. At this point it was about 9pm at night and someone must have called the police when they heard us arguing. The police had crept down the street with their lights off and saw me raise my hand and our scuffle. They quickly turned their lights on and told me to back away from him. The officers separated us. The woman spoke to me and the man spoke to him. I remember been scared out of my mind. I knew I was going to jail for assault. My ex lived on the bad side of town and the police in those parts did not play around. The female officer reprimanded me, told me that I was going to be arrested. I simply sobbed. There was nothing I could say. I had hit him. Then the officers switched and the male office came to talk to me. He was more sympathetic. Apparently my ex had told him that it was a misunderstanding and pleaded with the officer not to arrest me. The office said he could arrest me but had decided not to as long as I went straight home and didn’t come back to start any more trouble. He asked me where I lived so he knew I lived on the other side of town. It would be no problem for me to stay away. I thanked him for sparing me and got into my car. They followed me for a few blocks to make sure I was headed home then turned around. I drove home and sobbed. I was in so much pain. I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to die. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all day, every day. Slowly word spread through my friends and family that I was in a very bad way. They rallied around and the solution seemed to be in going out and drinking. Everyone hated the thought of me home alone crying so I had people offering to come over to hang out or to take me out on the town every night of the week. The plan somewhat backfired because I found every single time I would drink I would end up a crying mess. That didn’t last very long. I got tired of being a crying mess so I would still go out but I wouldn’t drink. I was afraid to. I was trying very hard to put on a brave face and move on. Breaking down into a blubbery mess was not part of that plan.

Within a month, sometime in November we got back together. He said he decided to give me a 2^nd chance. He still didn’t believe that nothing happened with (MP) but I was so happy that we were back together I didn’t push the issue. I should have. I see that now. I should have made it very clear that he needed to trust me and believe me when I said that nothing happened. Otherwise a relationship between us would never work.

~I suppose now would be a good time to explain what happened that Fall morning he left my house. He drove home and the friend who had just gotten out from jail (Jail Guy) went over to talk to him. Apparently that guy (MP) I went out with was a friend of Jail Guy and had gone over to visit him that day he got out of jail. MP noticed my car pull up and he recognized me. He told Jail Guy that he had gone out with me. I’m not sure what the details were but I can only guess that MP alluded to much more than what really happened. Since Jail Guy had been out of the loop he decided to ask my ex about it. That Fall morning Jail Guy asked my ex a bunch of questions about our relationship. My ex not knowing where he was headed answered him but left out some details. Mainly that we had spent 6 months apart. I get it. He’s a guy. They don’t necessarily tell guys stuff like that so Jail Guy was led to believe that I had cheated on my ex with MP. Once again I have no idea what was said after that but it couldn’t have been good. I’m guessing that’s where the ‘guy code’ entered the conversation. At some point he changed his telephone number and called me~

So here we are mid November 2000 and we are back together. I was ecstatic. I had missed him so much and now we were back together. We had weathered the storm and came out on the other side a stronger couple and more in love than ever. The love of my life was by my side again. Everything was going to be ok. I just knew it.

The Early Days Part 1

I started drinking when I was 18 and went off to college in San Diego. The legal drinking age is 18 in Mexico so we’d go there often.  Most bars had Ladies Night (free) including all you can drink just about every night. At the time I don’t remember drinking much or being drunk, getting hangovers. What I do remember is that I hated dancing while holding a drink. I felt the same way about carrying a purse. I have a thing about carrying lots of stuff. When I had  my daughter 2 years ago I got a stylish diaper bag that didn’t look like a traditional diaper bag and designated a couple of compartments for my stuff. I didn’t want to carry around a purse and a diaper bag. So back in my night club days I’d usually go to the bar/nightclub with a bunch of girls and we’d all dance together so there was no one to leave my drink with. I was very aware of the dangers of leaving my drink unattended. Most of the girls would simply dance while holding their drink, not me. I’d down it. At the time my drink of choice was midori sour and being free it was lean on the midori heavy on the sour. The years passed and I moved back home.

I entered a long term relationship in Summer of ’95. Neither one of us drank much. Socially we’d have a drink or two when out together or with a group. Over time we experimented with different types of alcohol. I got tired of being laughed at for ordering a ‘girls drink’ and he wanted to try something besides beer. I should probably mention that our relationship was terribly dysfunctional. We loved deeply, fiercely and viciously. We were both extremely codependent on each other. We didn’t live together but would spend just about every night together. Once we were in bed I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I was breathing the same air he was. Literally. I would put my face as close to his as possible and time my inhale with his exhale. I loved the thought of breathing air that had been inside of him. I often used to tell him that I wished he had a zipper in his chest so I could crawl in there. I wanted to sit inside of him, next to his heart all day long. That was during the good times. During the bad times we fought like cats and dogs. We were very immature. It was our first real relationship. He had major trust issues and I was too immature to realize that, much less be sensitive to it. We didn’t have the skills to negotiate a healthy relationship. Every little disagreement or misunderstanding would get blown way out of proportion. We broke up and got back together a few times. Most break-ups lasted a few days, maybe a week. One time we broke up for almost 6 months. That’s when I first started using alcohol to numb my feelings. I was used to always getting back together and thought we always would. This time I wasn’t so sure and that realization devastated me. That’s when I started using alcohol to numb my feelings. I started going out and drinking the night away. During this time I met some guy and we went out a few times but my heart wasn’t in it. I was still nursing a very big heartbreak.  Eventually we patched things up and got back together.