Starting to see the light

My Reiki Healing session went good. I admit that I was expecting to be “Healed! Cured! All Better!” with one session but that’s not the way it works. It’s very demanding work emotionally. The session brought up all kinds of sadness and despair. I cried the entire time. It started out with my healer, I’ll call her Selene. We started out by having me lie down. Selene placed crystals on various parts of my body and gave me 2 to hold.   She then placed her hands very gently around the top of my head. I could feel the energy of my healer trying to heal me. It was very subtle but it was there. She then moved to my torso. At that point I could ‘see’ what she was seeing. Actually all I saw was blackness. It appeared to be a little shiny but it was jet black. After a few minutes Selene said, “You are really blocked up. It’s like an ink well in here” I was surprised that I was seeing the same thing. She then moved her hands to my breast bone and began to very gently tap. After a few seconds I had the sensation of being on the verge of crying. The sensation quickly grew and became overwhelming. It actually began to HURT. I flinched and she said, “That’s old pain coming up. Your body is releasing it. Don’t be afraid. Just let it all go. Let all the old hurt go. You are safe here.” She tapped and laid her hands on various parts of my body. She requested that I tell her when I felt pain. She didn’t want to hurt me so she would alternate between tapping, removing negative energy and trying to give me positive energy. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I could feel when she removed the energy, or when she helped my body release it and when she was trying to give me positive healing energy. I cried the entire session. I just felt so very, very sad. I’ve known for a while that I’m sad but I had no idea just how sad I really am.  Once it was over we discussed what feelings came up for me during the session and she shared what she felt. We decided that I would see her once a week and then we’d re-evaluate where I was at after 4 sessions. I left feeling calmer and very, very tired. I went home and slept like a baby. I had scheduled another session for the following week.

That weekend H started acting like his usual mean self. I don’t really fell like getting into it but let me just say that we went out with friends Saturday night. He was in a foul mood and seemed to want to pick a fight. I did my best to ignore him attitude. We were all seated at dinner and towards the end of the meal I left to use the ladies room. During that time the bill came and everyone began to figure out what they ate so they could pay their portion. Although I had sat next to H the entire meal he had no idea what I had ordered. The plates had been cleared and I had was in the restroom. As I was washing my hands two of the other ladies from our party came into the restroom. We began chatting and I ended up waiting for them. We all touched up our make-up and went back to the table. At that point the bill had been settled and we were heading out to a nightclub. H pulled me aside and began to berate me for embarrassing him. He was angry because he had no idea what I had ordered for dinner therefore had a difficult time deciding how much he owed. Ultimately he paid what he thought was enough but was livid about it. He went on to insult me, telling me that he hated going places with me, that I always embarrass him, blah, blah. I tried reasoning with him but he refused to be reasoned with. I was this horrible embarrassment to him and I ruined his entire evening. He stormed off. I naively assumed he went to the restroom or outside to cool off. Another couple who had witnessed the exchange but had backed off discretely came forward.  The look of pity in their eyes was awful to see. They didn’t mention the incident but I sensed that they were trying to provide some sense of comfort towards me. After about 10 minutes the guy excused himself to go to the restroom. He was gone a quite a few minutes. When he came back he looked uncomfortable. He asked if I knew where H had went. I must have looked very surprised because he said, “his car is gone but you can ride with us to the nightclub” I declined but they were very sweet and insistent that I continue on with the evening as planned. So I went along and managed to have a fairly nice time. Oh and I drank. Not a bunch but more than I should have. During the evening I called and text H repeatedly but he never responded. Some of the other men in the group attempted to call him as well but he never responded. The couple dropped me of later at home and H’s car was in the driveway. I went inside and he was asleep in our bed. I went and slept in our daughters room. The next morning when I woke up I started really thinking about the evening before. It really sank in that H had picked a fight with me for no reason, insulted and humiliated me in public then left me there without a second thought as to how I would get home or if I would even be ok. He had no idea that one couple would stay behind to make sure I was ok. Most everyone had already left. The couple that stood behind just happened to overhear H and decided to wait it out. All of a sudden it became perfectly clear. I’m done. It’s over. I am never going to let this man hurt, insult or manipulate me ever again. The clarity in which I saw this and the conviction that I felt surprised me. There have been many, many instances over the years where I told myself that exact same thing but it was usually fueled by anger, or a desire for revenge (I’ll show him!) or complete and utter defeat. This time was different. I don’t know how to explain it but it came from a sense of calmness inside of me. I showered in the guest room and prepared myself for what I was going to do next. I went into the living room where he was watching sports. I told him that we needed to talk. He barely glanced my way or acknowledged me. I got the remote and turned off the tv. Then I looked him in the face and said, “It’s over. As of this moment we are no longer married. Although I’m not in a position to move out of this house physically I’m moving into our daughter’s bedroom until I can move out permanently. I am no longer going to allow you to insult and humiliate me. You have done me wrong for the very last time. I am breaking the tie that binds us. I am NOT your wife and you are not my husband” I know it sounds very dramatic but at that moment I meant every word with all of my heart. I walked away feeling a huge sense of relief. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my head and my heart. That day I began moving into my daughter’s room. H never said a word while I spoke and has ignored me every day since then. After the initial euphoria wore off I began to feel sad about the ending of my marriage but I have not had one single second thought or regret about my decision to end our marriage. The sadness comes in waves and I try my best to simply feel the sadness. I don’t stuff it down, try to ignore it or tell myself that it doesn’t matter or that I don’t care. It does matter and I do care. I took my marriage vows seriously, I believed that this was the person for me and that we would be together forever. To see it fall apart hurts very deeply however my decision remains the same. I’m done. I am no longer his wife. He is not my husband. It’s over.

Chakra

Every single day my intention is to blog here but the days fly by now that I’m working. Today I’m going to take a much needed break and finally finish blogging about my first seminar with the holistic healer. You can read the first part here.

After we meditated we partnered up and worked on casting a circle.  She discussed how it’s done then she went on to discuss the various types of images we could use in order to envision a circle around us. She suggested we use fire. She guided us through the exercise. She told us to imagine how our fire would look. She talked about what she saw when envisioning her circle of fire. She saw great big purple flames. She said the fire could be anything we wanted it to be. My partner went first. Once her circle was firmly established I was supposed to reach towards her and try to ‘feel’ her circle. I put my hands out and slowly walked towards her. I tried to leave my mind open and simply feel around for it. I had no idea what it would feel like or if I would even be able to feel it but I did. It felt warm and my fingers started to tingle. I moved away from it and then tried going forward again to see if I had really felt it. Sure enough. It was there. It was amazing. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it before.

Next it was my turn. I tried envisioning my circle, I imagined what my flame would look like. What I saw were little flames. They looked like pilot lights. You know that sorry little light you have on your stove’s pilot or the pilot on a water heater? My circle was ringed by those sorry little flames. No matter how hard I tried all I couldn’t seem to make the fire bigger. Once my circle was as established as it was going to get I invited my partner to feel my circle. She moved forward and when she came upon it I somehow sensed that she had found it. I could literally feel her touching it. I was in shock. I hadn’t really believed that I would be able to cast a circle, much less have anyone be able to feel it. What happened next shocked me even more. She felt around for a few seconds then gasped. She said, “OH! It’s cold. Why is it so cold?” She continued to feel around my circle and insisted that it felt cold. I tried explaining to her the size of my flames and figured that would be why it was cool to the touch. She was so perturbed at what she was feeling she called over our teacher/healer. She came over and felt on my right side by my shoulder. She agreed that my circle felt a little cool but seemed to accept my explanation of the size of my flame. She advised me to practice my circle and work on building my flame up. My partner on the other hand was not satisfied with what she was hearing. She kept insisting that my lower left side was cold. Not cool but cold. The healer stood in front of me for a few minutes (to gather herself I suppose) then reached out and felt where my partner had indicated. I could see in her face that there was definitely “something” there. She stepped back and told me to wait one second. She went over to the table where her belongings were and consulted some sort of pendulum for a few seconds. She came back and asked for permission to enter my circle. I told her to go ahead and she felt around various parts of my body. I could tell that she was considering just how much she should say to me. She seemed to be choosing her words carefully. She told me that my Chakra appears to be blocked in this area, as she motioned to my torso. She said I would be a good candidate for a one-on-one healing. I asked her specifically what was blocked and she replied that my Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra’s appeared to be completely blocked. She said she could feel quite a few blockages but would need more time to explore what was going on before giving me a definite answer but there was no doubt that my Spleen (Sacral) chakra was completely blocked. She could feel that for certain. I agreed that I would come back for a one-on-one session but didn’t think much about having a blocked Sacral Chakra. I had no idea what that meant, at the time…Since then I have researched it and all I can say is that I am not surprised. Being in the loveless/sexless/verbally abusive, emotionally and spiritually draining marriage that I am in would block the hell out of anyone’s Sacral and Solar Plexus Chakra!

Next we worked on shielding ourselves. Sometimes it’s not always practical to erect an entire circle around us. In those instances we can shield ourselves. The exercise was similar to the circle exercise. We were to envision our shield. It could be anything we wanted it to be. We were just supposed to go with any imagine that came to mind. She gave examples of the different types of shields people use. My partner went first and when it was my turn to feel it I was able to clearly feel where is began and where it ended. It started just above her shoulders and ended by her waist. It wasn’t very big. It felt fairly compact. Initially I thought I was imagining where it started and stopped so you can imagine my surprise when she told me I was 100% correct. Her shield was her guide animal which was an eagle. She said she was holding it up in front of her at her waist and it ended by her shoulder. She was able to see over the eagle that was shielding her.

On a side note, you would think that by this point of the seminar I would cease to be surprised or amazed at the stuff I was learning and able to detect but I wasn’t. I guess I really am that thick J

Ok. Now it was my turn. I imagined my shield and what I saw was this huge wall. It was silver and looked like a traditional shield would look only it started at the floor and was very high and wide. I couldn’t see over it. I couldn’t pick it up, I couldn’t move it. The shield completely covered me. I tried and tried to make it smaller. I kept thinking to myself, how am I supposed to defend myself with this shield? It’s more like a wall that a shield. I can’t see what’s going on with this thing in my way. Finally I gave up trying to make it smaller and invited my partner to feel it. I can’t explain it but I sensed when she touched it. She couldn’t believe how big it was. She kept trying to figure out where it began and where it ended but she couldn’t. Finally she gave up and said, I know it’s metal. My fingers tingled when I touched it but that’s all I can tell. It’s huge, like a metal wall but it’s not a wall, right? It can’t be a wall…” I started laughing and told her that yes, my shield was a wall. At this point the other students had gathered that there was something going on with me. I cried during the meditation when our guides came to us. They knew that although I didn’t think I was doing the meditation right it was perfect for my situation and the animal that chose me, Panther. They had listened with interest as the healer told me my chakra was blocked. A few had even asked if they could feel my circle. I let them. Now they were watching my partner and I with curiosity. I invited everyone to feel my shield/wall and they were all amazed at how much energy was in it. They all said they felt their hands tingle when they felt it and could sense how large it was. The healer explained that although she didn’t know my whole story what she had learned about me that day was enough to convince her that a huge wall of a shield was just what I needed.  

Our next exercise was to make holy water and cleansing sea salt bath scrub. I didn’t have any earth shattering revelations during that exercise. Although showering with the scrub does leave me feeling very refreshed mentally and physically. I love it!

Tonight I have my one-on-one healing session. Finally. I was supposed to go last week but I was forced to reschedule. I can’t wait until my appointment. I am really looking forward to it. We are going to work on unblocking my chakra’s, healing emotionally and spiritually and on my addiction to alcohol. I’ve scheduled a 2 hour session. I’ll post about my experience tomorrow.

Panther

I've been feeling so much better. My therapy sessions have helped me manage my emotions and put situations in perspective when I'm feeling overwhelmed. However I was still feeling tightly wound up. I've continued to grind my teeth at night, clench my teeth during the day, get daily headaches and constant body aches. My therapist suggested I look into yoga, massage therapy or meditation. I feel so low on energy I didn't think I could muster the effort to try yoga. I don't want anyone to touch me so massage was out. That left meditation. I was skeptical to say they least but I figured it was worth a shot. At least I can say that I tried, right?

I did some research and found a local Sanctuary/Studio. They offer a wide range of holistic therapies including guided meditation and yoga. I looked over their website and and noticed they also offered seminars on various topics. The following seminar caught my eye:

Energy Management 101: Purification & Protection 

Protection comes naturally through the process of purification and ascension.  It is by working with the highest vibrations that we are able to repel the lower vibrational energies from our bodies and our lives.  An in-depth discussion of energy will teach participants about the world of energy and will help us to identify what it is within ourselves that may attract negativity towards us.  Awareness and taking responsibility for one's own energy are the first steps which allow us to walk between the Spiritual and Physical worlds without fear.

Participants will learn how to manage their own energy through the process of purification and clearing away of negative energy which creates space to allow blessings to enter into our life.  There will be an in depth discussion of energy and how to channel it for the purposes of protection, blessing and purifying objects, our bodies and personal space. Energy enhancing exercises will be practiced to strengthen and purify the aura as well as techniques on circle casting, shielding and more.  Participants will also learn how to create holy water and make purifying salt scrubs. 

Ok. I'll admit it. The part about identifying what it is within ourselves that attracts negative energy is what initially intrigued me. Clearing negative energy, creating apace to allow blessings to enter, purify my aura? Ok, I wouldn't mind trying that. I wasn't convinced it would work but it was worth a shot. As for the circle casting, shielding and lets not forget creating holy water and making a purifying scrub. Well I thought it was all rubbish. I figured it would be entertaining at most.

I don't think I have ever been more wrong. Seriously. The entire experience was better than I could have imagined. The guided meditation was unbelievable. I had a hard time following where we were being guided. There was talk of a forest but all I saw was a meadow with a creek running along it that backed into the side of a cave. I tried to follow the guide but eventually gave up. I just let myself go where it wanted. We were instructed to find our "guide" It could be anything animal, angel, etc. My mind started to resist but I tried to ignore my skepticism and focus on the meditation. It was challenging but I managed to do an ok job. The meditation wasn't very long, maybe 10 minutes. After we were done we were invited to share our experience. My initial impression was that I hadn't gotten anything out of it and most likely hadn't done it right so I decided to share my experience.

• I shared not being able to stay in the forest. I kept ending up by the creek. 
• The animal that came to me was a black panther.
• We were instructed to ask our guide, in my case the panther, what it's name was and how I could call upon it. My panther didn't answer me. I don't think it can talk.
• When the panther came up to me it simply stood next to me. Instinctively I put my hand on its head but that was it. The panther didn't guide me anywhere or share some impressive insight. It just stood there and basically paid no attention to me. 

I was blown away by the feedback that I got. Here is what having a black panther as a guide represents:

The panther is a very powerful and ancient totem. It is generally associated with a particular species of leopard or jaguar although the cougar is also referred to as panther. As with most of the large cats, the panther is a symbol of ferocity and valor. It embodies aggressiveness and power.The panther has over 500 voluntary muscles that they are capable of using at will. This reflects a great deal about an individual who has such animals as a totem. It reflects an ability to do a variety of tasks as he or she wills. It is simply a matter of deciding and putting to use those particular “muscles,” be they physical, mental, psychic, or spiritual. 

As a whole panthers are loners (solitary) although they do associate with others, they are most comfortable by themselves or within their own marked territory. They are drawn to those individuals who are likewise often solitary.Panther is secretive, silent, and graceful in her every move. She is solitary by choice, she tells little though listens much. She is careful not to share too much information, only enough to ease curious minds. Panther is often a symbol of darkness, death, and rebirth from out of it. There still exists in humanity a primitive fear of the dark and of death. The Black Panther helps you to understand the dark and death and the inherent powers of them; and thus by acknowledging them, eliminate your fears and learn to use the powers. This is the totem of greater assertion of feminine in all her aspects: child, virgin, seductress, mother, warrioress, seeress, and the old wise woman.

When the Black Panther enters your life as a totem, it awakens the inner passions. This is capable of manifesting in unbridled expressions of baser powers and instincts. It is also capable reflecting an awakening of the kundalini, signaling a time of not just coming into one’s own power. More so, the keynote of the Black Panther is Reclaiming One’s True Power. The panther always brings guardian energy to those to whom it comes. The panther often signals a time of rebirth after a period of suffering and death on some level. This implies that an old issue may finally begin to be resolved, or even that old longstanding wounds will finally begin to heal, and with the healing will come a reclaiming of power that was lost at the time of wounding.

Nietzsche once said, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” It is this same idea that is awakened in the lives of those who open to the power of the panther totem. The panther marks a new turn in the heroic path of those to whom it comes. It truly reflects more than just coming into one’s own power. Rather it reflects a reclaiming of that which was lost and an intimate connection with the great archetypal force behind it. It gives an ability to go beyond what has been imagined, with opportunity to do so with discipline and control. It is the spirit of imminent rebirth.”

Now the regular followers of my blog will understand just how significant it is that a panther came to guide me. Also, remember that creek I kept seeing? Well panthers are usually found near water and caves. The reason it didn't tell me it's name is because when I asked it the answer it gave me was not of it's name. It said, "You don't have to call me because I am always with you. I never leave you. I walk side by side with you." I can imagine how corny this might seem but it is the truth. This is what the panther told me. I cried when he said that. It touched a place so deep inside of me. I could feel in his words that he was telling me the truth. His words made perfect sense. Somehow on another level of my awareness I knew that he HAS always been with me. I cried. The experience was so very powerful.

 I don't want to make this too long but I still have so much to share about my experience. I don't think I can cover it all in one blog post. I'll stop now, hopefully I've given you something to chew on. 

Lent

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.

Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.

By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.

I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.

First one.

I went to my first sober funeral today. The old familiar obsession/compulsion to drink was not there. I am incredibly grateful for that. I'll admit that I thought about drinking but it was just that, a fleeting thought that passed through my mind then it was gone. Tomorrow is the actual burial service with a celebration of life luncheon after. It's going to be a booze laden event but I'm not worried. I'll be fine. I'm firm in my commitment to be sober. Drinking isn't going to make the situation less painful. In fact drinking is only going to make me feel worse. While the service this evening was difficult I'm very glad that I was able to stay sober for another day.

Mission Accomplished

I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!

Feeling good.

Thursdays have notoriously been my rough days. It's the day H always goes out with the guys and leaves me alone with the kids. I have tons of resentment about it. I dealt with that resentment by ordering in and drinking the night away. Today was different. Although the thought of alcohol entered my mind I didn't feel the obsessive compulsion that I have felt on previous Thursday's. I was able to ignore it. In the absence of the compulsion to drink I noticed I felt on edge and irritated. I didn't want to drink but I wanted to do something. I felt like I was climbing the walls. All of these possibilities came to mind. I thought about going shopping, taking the kids to get ice cream, anything just to get out. The problem was I didn't really want to do any of those things, nor did I really have the money to do them. I decided to start dinner and was looking out the window while I thought about what to make with the chicken I had defrosted. I noticed the neighbors tree is hanging over into our yard and heavy with ripe oranges. I decided to make citrus/orange marinated chicken and orange pound cake for dessert. I LOVE to cook and instantly felt better. I gathered some oranges after I set the chicken to marinate S and I sat outside and ate oranges. They were so sweet and juicy. It was such a simple joy to sit with my baby girl and eat oranges. The marinated chicken and orange pound cake we had later weren't too bad either! I'm so glad I was able to stay sober today. It feels great.

I need to get out of my own head.

Today has been fairly uneventful. I thought about drinking once or twice this evening but I ignored it. So far the obsession/compulsion hasn't reared it's ugly head. That's a relief. I've also been thinking about this weekend. The past few times I tried to stop drinking I felt myself dreading the weekend, especially if it was a weekend where I knew our plans included places where alcohol would be prominent. This weekend we have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. As with pretty much every party I go to, there is always plenty of alcohol. Sunday, obviously is Super Bowl and we are invited to another booze laden affair. This time around I'm not the least bit concerned. I feel confident that not drinking will not be an issue for me. Although the confidence I'm feeling about being able to not drink is a bit concerning. Wow, talk about a catch 22. I'm probably just over analyzing the whole thing. I'll be fine.

Tired of the lies

I posted a while back about slipping. I ended up taking swings of vodka from a bottle H keeps in the garage. The bottle was half full but once I was done with it there was maybe a shot or two left. The next day I was ashamed and upset about the amount I had drank. I made a mental note to replace the alcohol. I did not want H to know I had drank his vodka. The reason I say HIS vodka is because H is possessive to the point of stingy with everything. Money, food, alcohol, toiletries, you name it. It bugs him when I use HIS lotion. It took me ages to realize that he places his toiletries a certain way on his side of the bathroom sink so he can tell if I used something of his. It's ridiculous but most things are when it comes to H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.

Late night inspiration

This post spoke to me. Thank you Mr. SponsorPants


In an instant

Why I want to quit (Edited)

My family and I are going on a Disney Cruise to the Mexican Riviera. We are leaving in January and need passports. We all have passports with the exception of S. I don't have a copy of her birth certificate so I went down to the county house of records to request a copy.

As I was driving to the county house of records I started thinking of my dad. I haven't mentioned much about my parents so I would like to take this opportunity to talk about my dad. I loved him dearly. I remember him always laughing, I remember how gentle and loving he was. I remember going with him every Friday to cash his check at the liquor store. He always got a 6 pack of beer and 4 club drinks. Mai Tai's. 2 for him and 2 for my mom. She didn't like beer so he drank them all. I remember him throwing up every night. It sounded like gallons and gallons of vomit. My room was by the bathroom and I remember hearing him throw up and being so frightened by the sound. I was young so throwing up signaled that someone was "really sick". But yet I don't remember the next morning. I don't remember any mention of him throwing up or being under the weather. It was as though it never happened. I don't remember if I asked about it, if there was a discussion about it or if my parents mentioned it in an attempt too explain and reassure us. My next memory is of my dad coming to pick me up from school. I was in the 2nd grade. He picked my sister and I early from school. We headed to the county hospital where his father was in a coma. 

Now, I don't remember much of my grandfather but what I do remember was that we would see him walking along the street as we went on our business. My dad always seemed surprised to see him and would immediately stop the car to pick him up. As a young girl my perception was that he was old and smelled. My dad would drive him wherever he said he was going but I remember my dad looking sad about it. I have a vivid memory of my sisters birthday one year when we went to China Town in the city. My grandfather came because my dad wanted to include him and my grandfather brought along his best friend. His best friend was a homeless drunk, excuse me for being blunt but that's what I think of when I think about him. Even as a young girl I could see it. It's taken me many years to figure out why/how my grandfather became to be best friends with him. 

So now my grandfather is in a coma. He was found passed out on the street in the middle of a storm. He was taken to the hospital and his family was contacted. My father was grief stricken over it. He called my mom and asked her to come with him to the hospital. She was at work and felt that she couldn't leave so she suggested he take my sister and I for moral support. So he went and picked us up early from school and we went with him. I remember it felt like I was at the hospital for days, endlessly. After that I don't remember anything until the day my dad died. 

I remember that a pizza franchise had opened up near our home. It was new and geared towards family/children. My mom picked me and my sister up from school and headed to the pharmacy next to the new pizza place. She had taken my dad to the dr that morning and he was diagnosed with hepatitis. She needed to fill his prescriptions and since we were in the same parking lot of the new pizza place my sister and I begged her to let us play a few games before heading home. She reluctantly agreed and we headed to the pizza place while we waited for the prescriptions. I remember having the best time and trying to convince my mom to stay when she said it was time to leave. 

When we got home my mom opened the door and rushed to the couch. My dad was spread out on the couch bleeding from his chin, lips and nose. He also had various cuts on his arms and legs. Apparently he had gotten up to get the mail and fallen flat on his face. The cuts/scrapes were from him dragging himself back inside. Although now I KNOW it wasn't my fault, at the time and for many years after I felt responsible. If I hadn't begged my mom to stop by the pizza place my dad wouldn't have fallen. My next memory is of my mom leading us in our nightly prayers. She ended it with, "Please take care of daddy and make him better" I prayed along with her and drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that my daddy would be ok. 

I woke up in the early morning to the sound of my mom throwing up and lots of people in our house. My dad had died in the bed next to my mom. When she realized he wasn't breathing (he had been wheezing the past few weeks) she called 911. By the time they got to our house there was nothing they could do. He was gone. I don't want to say that my mom was insensitive or a bad mother but in the midst of her grief she couldn't be bothered. It was too much for her to tend to my sister and I. We  looked to her for explanations, reassurance, comfort but she was unable to give it to us. 

Whew, talk about a tangent! 

As I was driving to the courthouse it occurred to me that I had never seen my dad's death certificate. I've asked my mom what it said, the cause if death, etc but she has always said she doesn't remember. She also doesn't remember where her copy of the death certificate is. It feels as though my decision to stop drinking is intimately connected to my dad's death so I want to know what the coroner said he died from. I've thought about his death certificate before but never had a reason to head to the court house and request a copy. So since I was headed to the courthouse to request a copy of S's birth certificate  I decided to order a copy of my dad's death certificate. Since he was born before 1995 it will be delivered within 15 days via mail...

Edit to add: I posted this without reading it. I just finished reading it and want to clarify a few items. My grandfather was a homeless alcoholic. He would drift from relatives homes but for the most part he was on the streets. His wife, my grandmother, died when my father was about 8 years old. There are conflicting stories about what exactly happened to her. From what I've gathered is that she was mentally ill. I have no idea if that is true or not. I've also heard that my grandfather used to physically abuse her. She was in a relationship before the one she had with my grandfather. That marriage resulted in 4 daughters. Somehow she left that relationship and her daughters. She married my grandfather and went on to have 7 children, one a year. When my father was 8 his mothers daughters from her previous relationship 'found' her and 'forced' her to return with them to Mexico. After she left my grandfather was unable to care for his children. The girls were sent to live with an older aunt and the boys were basically left to fend for themselves. My father cried for weeks after his mother left. All of the children did. Later he heard that she had died in a horrible car accident shortly after she left. He also heard a conflicting story that she died in a fire. There is an old picture in a photo album that belongs to my parents of a unmarked grave with a simple wooden cross on it. My father was told that was where his mother was buried.

Although my grandfather was unable to properly care for his children my father was very loyal to his father.   He loved his father dearly. When his father died (the cause of his death is unknown. The family decided not to have an autopsy performed) I remember my dad telling me that he couldn't live without his father. He said he was going to die too. I don't know if I believed him or not. Exactly 5 months to the day his father died my dad died. They are buried together.

Not giving up

Things around here are the same. Nothing has changed. I'm still unemployed, H is continuing to grate on my nerves and I'm still struggling not to drink. I haven't been very successful. I've managed to stay sober for a few days at a time but then throw it all away and have a few drinks. Last weekend I went to a party at my in-laws house. There was lots of alcohol and although I was tempted I resisted. It felt wonderful ending the evening sober and it was even better waking up the next morning feeling refreshed and with a clear head. I took the kids out to breakfast then to the mall to take pictures with Santa. I had a good 24 hours then threw it all away that night. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I've also been sort of experimenting with moderation and so far it's working but the truth of the matter is that I do NOT want to drink anymore. I want to put it down and never touch it again. Although I feel as though I'm never going to be able to achieve sobriety I am not going to quit. I'm going to keep climbing back on the wagon no matter how many times I fall off.

Having a rough time.

I've had a rough couple of days. My temporary assignment/job ended so I'm back home with S. It's unbelievable how hard it is to find a job. I remember the days when I would decide I wanted a new job and within a month I'd have a new job. I've been actively looking for a job since April 2010. Finally in May 2011 I received an offer  from a temporary agency. It was for a 6 month assignment. There was no guarantee that the job would become permanent but I hoped it would. Unfortunately a permanent position did not become available so I'm out of a job.

I haven't gotten to the financial part of My Story yet but let me just say things are NOT good. During the time that I was unable to find a job H complained incessantly about the financial burden of me not working. While one part of me sympathized with him the other part of me got tired of hearing him complain. Millions of people were out of a job, I wasn't the only one. I was faithfully looking for a job but quite simply there were no jobs to be had. In addition his complaints didn't seem very accurate. I knew how much money he made. I knew how much money I was spending on our home/kids which was very little considering I shopped around for bargains and made sure I budgeted every last penny. I received a small amount in unemployment compensation which I used to pay for my car loan, auto insurance and student loan. As far as I could tell we should be doing ok. We managed to pay our bills every month, we had a roof over our head and food in the fridge.

When I accepted the temporary assignment I decided I would save the bulk of my earnings since after 6 months I would most likely be without a job again. I also decided to try and pay down my car loan. The loan was scheduled to be paid off in April 2012. My goal was to pay it off by the end of my temporary assignment. Each month I would deposit the car payment into our joint account and H would transfer the funds to his account and make the payment. Once I had a job I decided I would make the payment myself and not bother with H. I asked him for the online account information and he seemed reluctant to give it to me. He wanted to continue with our usual payment arrangements. I did not want to. Every month it was an issue, he'd hound me about the payment and if I bought anything at all he'd question me about having the money left over for the car payment. Quite frankly he bugged the hell out of me. I stood firm and refused to budge. I was going to make the payment from then on and that was final. Eventually he agreed to give me the information BUT he said he needed me to know that I was 3 months behind on the loan. Now wait one minute! I had been giving him the car payment faithfully. Granted some months I gave him half one week and the rest the next week but I always gave him the entire amount each month. He disputed this. According to him the times I gave him the money in 2 installments did not add up to the total amount owed so he didn't make a payment that particular month. I was furious. His logic made no sense. If I truly hadn't given him the entire amount why didn't he at least apply the amount I HAD given him to the loan? What did he do with the money I gave him? He refused to give me an answer and it didn't really matter because I could tell he was lying anyway.

I logged onto the account and sure enough my car loan was 3 months behind and a repossession order had been issued. I called the loan company and made arrangements to pay the past due amount within the month. Luckily my temporary assignment paid me every week and it was enough to make a loan payment once a week until the account was current. I hung up the phone relieved that I was able to rectify the car loan situation. I decided to just forget about the money I had given H to pay towards the loan. Although it was almost 2k I knew in my heart I'd never see that money again. I told him I was going to take care of the past due balance on the loan and asked if we were behind on any of our other bills. He assured me that we weren't. Two days later his car got repossessed in the middle of the night.

I don't know why I was surprised but I have to admit I was. Even after everything H has put me through I still believe him when he tells me something. I confronted him about lying when he told me we were current on all of our bills. His excuse was that he didn't want to worry me. Oh and he said his car getting repossessed was my fault too. After all, I was the one who sat around the house doing nothing for the past year while he worked his ass off. This time I wised up, a little. I didn't bother asking him if we were  past due on anything else. I took matters into my own hands and pulled a copy of both of our credit reports. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. H's credit report showed that he owed approx. $40k in credit card debt. Debt that I was not aware of. I knew about one credit card but when we married there was a balance of approx. $8k owed. Now it showed he owed approx. $20k and a payment had not been made in 9 months. As for the second credit card, I had no idea of its existence. It showed a past due balance of approx. $18k and a payment had not been made in 6 months. Although both cards were in his name only, my credit report reflected both cards and the past due balances. Upon investigation I figured out that although I was not aware of the cards, nor had I signed any paperwork for the cards or benefited from the cards since we are married and live in California all debt is considered marital debt. I was/am responsible for half of all the balances owed. Once again I confronted H and he maintained that everything was my fault. The car repossession and the debt since I had been sitting home doing nothing when I should have been working. Never mind that I was unable to find a job.

I contacted a 3 separate divorce lawyers and basically I'm responsible for half of the debt if I were to divorce. him. The courts will automatically assign half to me. One lawyer was sympathetic to my situation and said that we could subpoena the credit card statements and try to show that H was the only one using the cards. We'd be taking a chance and using up lots of billable hours getting the statements and then going over them to make a case for not being responsible for half of the debt. The retainer for her service started at $10k. The other two lawyers requested $6k and 8k respectively. Needless to say I don't have the money to hire a lawyer.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm at least $20k in debt (assuming I'm assigned half), I don't have a job and I really can't see why I shouldn't have a stiff drink at the end of the day.

Hope springs eternal..

I can't believe I made it! I wanted a drink so bad earlier. The past few times the craving/obsession got this bad I gave in and drank. I even went so far as to drive to the store for something that I didn't even need. A Barbie doll. I'm serious. S was playing with one of her toy sets and only has one Barbie. She wanted me to play with her but I didn't have a Barbie. A Barbie doll of all things was the excuse I used to leave my house @8pm with the wind howling and parts of my city without power. As I was headed out the door H asked me to pick up cold medicine for him.

At the store I found a Barbie for S and then waited in line at the pharmacy counter. The medicine he wanted needs to be bought at the counter. While I waited in line I debated whether I wanted to buy a full size bottle or stop at the liquor store an get a smaller bottle. Finally it was my turn and when I tried to pay I realized that I had the wrong debit card. It was declined. I was very embarrassed. I told the pharmacist that I would be back with the correct card. As I walked out to get the correct card from my car I thought to myself, "Well surely after this embarrassing episode I DESERVE a drink"  I almost laughed out loud. That line of thinking sounded absurd! I got the correct card, went back in to pay for my stuff and drove home. I spent some time playing with S before putting her to bed.

Now I'm sitting here drinking peppermint tea and I feel hopeful once again. I'll admit I had begun to lose hope and allowed myself to think that being sober was too hard and that I would never be able to do it. After tonight I don't feel that way at all. I can do this. I will do this. There's always time to make a fresh start and here is mine.

Thanksgiving weekend recap

Thanksgiving Recap

Wednesday 11/23/2011

S and I went to my mom’s house for dinner. Since beginning this journey of sobriety I have been avoiding my mom’s house. We ALWAYS drink together. I’ve told her my desire to quit and she is 100% supportive. I’ve asked her not to offer me any alcohol because I was not confident that I would be able to refuse. I used to spend every Friday night at her house with S. Since alcohol is always a part of our evening after I had S we decided early on that I would simply spend the night. Needless to say I haven’t been to my mom’s house in weeks and she was really starting to miss me and S. She requested that S spend the night before Thanksgiving with her so I could focus on cooking since I was having Thanksgiving at my house. The evening went well, dinner was delicious. I didn’t even think about drinking.  On my way home I stopped at the grocery store to buy a few items that I still needed. As I pull into the parking lot I know that I’m going to buy alcohol. I sat in my car and contemplated driving off. If I didn’t go in I wouldn’t buy alcohol. I called H and asked him if he would go to the store for the few items I needed. I explained my predicament and hoped that he would agree. He didn’t. Granted I could have driven off anyway and went back to the store once the obsession passed. I could have even said “oh well’ and done without the items but I didn’t. I went in and came out with alcohol. I drove home and prepared the stuffing, vegetable dish and appetizers while drinking.

Thursday 11/24/2011 Finished preparing the Thanksgiving meal while drinking.

Friday 11/25/2011 Took the kids to see The Muppets. Drank while making dinner.

Saturday 11/26/2011 Went to an evening dinner party. Drank champagne.

Sunday 11/27/2011 Took the kids to see Arthur Christmas. Resisted the urge to drink UNTIL after I put the kids to bed. Finished off the bottle.

Today. Yet another Day 1.

This is getting ridiculous.

Still lonely

I’m going through another one of my lonely, depressing phases. I’ve noticed they come after a few days of not drinking. No surprise there. I‘ve always known that I drink to avoid my feelings in regards to this marriage. What’s interesting to me is the wide range of feelings that surface. Feelings that are buried under the anger and resentment. Feelings of sadness and longing. I feel as though I have so much love to share but there is nobody to share it with. I feel almost silly complaining about it because I have a large family and circle of friends who I love deeply and who love me deeply in return but it’s not enough. When I’m feeling this way all I want to do is run far and run fast from the emptiness in my heart. The only thing that takes me away is drinking. I really want to be sober but I don’t know that I can be sober and be in this marriage.

If I had to choose I’d say that alcohol is the worse of the two. Alcoholism is progressive, alcohol will ruin my health, my relationship with my kids and the possibility of a bright future. But yet sometimes it feels like this marriage is ruining my health.  I can’t sleep, I’m on edge, I’ve clenched my teeth so hard and for so long it’s going to cost me thousands of dollars in dental work to repair. Not to mention the permanent frown lines that have appeared over the last 3 years.  My relationship with my children appears fine but what type of behavior am I modeling for them? They see a very dysfunctional relationship between H and I on a daily basis. I hate the thought of them thinking this is normal and one day being in a marriage like the one H and I have. I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I just feel like I need to get this out.  

Last night I had another dream about being in love. Once again I don’t even know who the guy was. But he loved me and it felt wonderful. The dreams also tend to resurface after a few days on not drinking and although I’m happy in my dream waking up to the reality that is my life makes my heart ache even more.

This morning as I was leaving for work H came into the bedroom to get ready for work. I’ve been meaning to speak to him about moving out of our bedroom. I think I need to set a boundary. We both ignore the fact that we no longer sleep together. Neither one of us mentions it.  I think I need to address the issue. He’s chosen to sleep on the couch every night. That’s fine but then I need him to own his actions and move into the guest bedroom. It’s too upsetting to be constantly aware that although it’s OUR bedroom I’m the only one in the bed night after night. When he entered the bedroom this morning I told him how I was feeling and asked him what he thought about moving out of our bedroom. He didn’t seem interested in the idea. I’m not going to push it. Maybe I should just do what’s best for me and move out of our bedroom. I just don’t know.  

Sober Saturday

I feel tired and drained but I'm sober and that's what is most important to me. These past 2 days have been very difficult with H. I hate to admit it but I think it has everything to do with my recent "compassion" towards him. I've been trying to be more engaging towards him but he continues to respond in his usual, mean, insensitive way. Yesterday I managed to brush off his attitude but today I wasn't able to. We ended up getting into a big argument in a department store and in front of the kids. I don't care too much about arguing in public but I hate that we argued in front of the kids. I wish we wouldn't have but there's only so many times that I can bite my tongue and brush him off. I also think about the message that it sends to our kids. I hate to fight in front of them but I hate to think of the message that they get when I don't stand up for myself and let their father walk all over me. Neither situation is healthy or ideal.

I thought about drinking alot today after arguing with H. I even went to the drug store with the intention of buying alcohol. I didn't though. I walked down every aisle and managed to walk out with only dish soap and contact solution. Before bedtime this evening S was asking for cookies and milk. I like to buy the refrigerated cookie dough and bake a few as a treat for the kids occasionally before putting them to bed. We had run out of dough and I decided to run out and buy more. The thought of buying alcohol while I was out crossed my mind. Before I would have bought a bottle of wine to drink while the cookies baked or a small bottle of alcohol at the liquor store and drank it before coming home if I was hiding my drinking that particular night. I wasn't tempted to do either this evening. The thought remained just that, a thought. That made me feel good. I came home with a package of cookie dough and bacon to go with breakfast tomorrow.

Now I'm going to climb into bed and read before going to sleep. Stay sober my friends.

Sit with the feelings.

Hey there, I made it into work early this morning. I usually start at 7:30 but I work in a downtown area and there is going to be a big protest starting at 7:00. We were advised to come in early to avoid the traffic and street closures. Fine by me. H agreed to drop S off at daycare later this morning. It was so NICE to get up and only be responsible for myself this morning. I didn’t have to bother running to the car to start the engine and get the heater going, running back inside and waking up S. She usually likes to cuddle for a few minutes before she’ll cooperate and let me bundle her up so we can head out. Then we get into the car and settle in for a 30 minute drive. About 10 minutes before we get to daycare I start talking to her about the day. I remind her she’s getting dropped off at daycare, I’m going to work. I tell her to have a fun time playing with the kids and that I’ll be back for her after work. I pull into daycare, walk her in, say hi to the daycare provider, hug and kiss my cousin’s daughter who is at the same daycare. She’s a little older than S, she’s 4. Her mother (my cousin) had a stroke during delivery and has been paralyzed ever since. My cousin’s daughter (let’s call her Star) lives here in town with her grandparents. Her mom is in a convalescent home in Utah. Her dad isn’t in the picture. Star always seems to go out of her way please me. She paints me pictures, gives me little plastic jewels and trinkets, makes me bracelets. I know my aunt and uncle are good to her but I can see that she misses her mom. It just breaks my heart. After spending a few minutes with Star and S I give them both a big hug and a kiss. Then both girls run to the window to wave good bye to me. I hop in my car and drive another 20-30 minutes depending on traffic to my job. I park on the 10^th floor of the parking garage, take the elevator down and then walk 3 blocks to my office. I show my access badge to security so I can get into the elevator bank. I take an elevator up to the 38^th floor, walk to the exact opposite side of the building and finally have a seat at my desk. Wow, I never really thought about how much I do every morning before getting to work. It takes me about an hour to an hour and a half between the time I leave my house and arrive here at work. Anyway, I guess I more than made my point. It was nice to just head out the door this morning. My commute took me 25 minutes. I would have taken 20 but I drove around in circles once I got off the freeway since some of the streets had already been closed and I’m not very familiar with all of the one way streets. I kept trying to head the wrong direction. I made it to work on time though J

Ok, now let’s get to what I really wanted to talk about. As I was driving home last night I was suddenly struck with the thought, “This must be very hard on H also” I had been going over in my head all of the ways that I’ve pretty much detached from him and our marriage. I basically live my life as a single mom. I go to work, make dinner and tend to my kids in the evening. I put them to bed and spend the rest of the evening alone. I sleep alone. I wake up alone and pass by H sleeping on the couch on my way out the door. I rarely, if ever ask him for anything nor do I expect anything from him. Sometimes I forget that he can’t be relied upon and ask him to join me somewhere, like my moms b-day dinner, but it always ends up the same. He doesn’t do what he said he would do. I should know better by now but like they say Hope Springs Eternal or  was it, There’s one born every minute? Seriously though, as I thought about the reality of our situation I started to cry. It struck me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried specifically over him and our marriage. Sure I’ve cried because I was lonely, sad, overwhelmed, angry even but I couldn’t remember the last time my heart ached for him. For us. I thought back and was able to remember the last time I cried. Well almost cried to be honest. It was October 2008. Things had continued to deteriorate between us since we married in 2007. I was fed up and so very tired of trying to make things work. I approached him one day and asked him what he thought about us divorcing. I remember giving him this big speech about us making a mistake, that he could blame it all on me if it made him feel better (looking back I can’t believe I was willing to do that just so he could save face!), that I didn’t want nor expect anything from him. I simply wanted a divorce so I could move on with my life. He never said one word as I was speaking, when I was done he looked at me and said, OK. I remember feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I felt free. I suddenly felt like things would be ok. I would be ok. For the next few days my emotions ranged from feeling free and excited about my future to being very sad and angry that no matter what I had tried I wasn’t able to make my marriage work. Since my mom had been the most vocal about her feelings that I should not divorce I decided I had better go over to her house and tell her in person. I went over one day after work and told her what H and I had decided. I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be but I thought I had a pretty good idea. Turns out I had no idea. She hugged me in her arms and said, “It’s ok. I know you tried. I’m here for you no matter what” I was so relieved. We hugged for a few more minutes in silence and then she said, “I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out” That’s when I started to cry. I tried to hold it in. My mom hugged me tighter and said, “Go ahead and cry. It’s ok to cry” I pulled back from her hug, took a deep breath and said, “No. I’m not going to cry. I’ve cried enough over him and our marriage. I’m done crying” I kept my word. I haven’t cried over him or our marriage since then. Until yesterday. It’s weird how that incident had slipped from my mind but it was still there. Buried beneath my anger, resentment and alcohol. 

Last night I planned on going to a 12/12 book study but once I got home I physically, mentally and emotionally worn out.  I was tired, hungry and my make up was a mess. I’m an avid reader and my K-reader is my constant companion. I had pre-ordered the K-reader F/re and it had arrived a day early. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and play with my new toy. Instead I decided to attend my book study as planned. At the book study we read through Step 8. This part jumped up at me:

~We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have “harmed” other people. What kinds of “harm” do people do one another, anyway? To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people……………..Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others. What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others—the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable could be extended almost indefinitely.~

It spoke straight to my heart about the way that I’ve been treating H. I always put emphasis on what he’s done to hurt me but I rarely if ever look closely at what I do to hurt him. Sure I could say that all I’m doing is being a good wife/mother but the truth is I try to hurt him by doing everything without him and better than him. It’s unspoken but it’s there. I never say one word about him sleeping on the couch. I’ll admit to myself that I’m lonely but never to him. I hurts my feelings but I refuse to acknowledge it. Especially to him. I must say it was a huge eye opener. I’ve heard people say that when you are feeling down and don’t want to go to a meeting is when you need to go the most. Often you end up hearing just what you needed to hear at the meeting. That statement was very true for me last night. After the meeting I spoke to a friend and confided what I had been feeling and what the book study helped me to see. I still felt anger and resentment but the unexpected compassion for H was unsettling. I didn’t know what to do with it. I almost didn’t want to feel that way towards him. She hugged me and said, “The compassion you feel is there because being that way towards him or anyone else is not who you truly are. You aren’t mean and vindictive. You are a compassionate woman and there is nothing wrong with that.” I got what she was saying but still didn’t know what to do with these feelings of compassion for H. I asked her if she thought I should go home and apologize for the past 2 years. She laughed gently and said, “Don’t do anything. Sit with the feelings. Simply feel them. You don’t have to act on every emotion you feel” 

Well ok. I’m sitting here and the compassion is still there. Thinking about the past 2 years and how I’ve treated H hurts. My heart aches for the pain I caused him. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling this way. I’m supposed to be the injured party here, the one who was hurt and put upon. While it’s true that I was hurt and put upon its also true that I inflicted my fair share of hurt on him too. What a predicament. I guess I’ll just stay with the feelings until it passes. I don’t like it but I can live with it. I have to keep reminding myself, When we know better we are able to do better. I’m starting to know better and hopefully one day I will be able to do better.

Another slip

I drank Thursday, Friday, Saturday and yesterday. I can’t even tell you why I drank. Oh wait, that’s right. I’m an alcoholic. I could make excuses by saying that I didn’t drink that much, although admittedly it was MORE than I wanted to drink since I decided a few weeks ago that I no longer wanted to drink. I was done drinking. At least I thought I was. I could also blame it on H. He had been playing his usual mind games over the past week such as ignoring my calls, showing up hours later than expected, refusing to tell me where he was, promising to meet me at a very important family gathering (my sister and I were throwing a dinner party for my mom’s birthday) then sending me a text hours later that said, “I decided not to go but you probably figured that out by now” Actually I hadn’t figured that out. I once again believed that he would do what he said he would do. It’s stupid really. I didn’t even really enjoy drinking. I was angry and hurt at H for his behavior the past week so I went out deliberately and bought a small bottle of whiskey. Friday I bought a bottle of wine and had 2 glasses. Saturday I volunteered to stop by the store and pick up the few items that were still needed for the dinner party. I went straight to the liquor aisle and got a big bottle of whiskey. As I walked around the store getting the various items I needed I kept thinking to myself, “You don’t have to buy that bottle of whiskey. You don’t have to drink.” I knew I would have a perfectly fine time without alcohol but I was upset at H for not showing up and therefore determined to drink. I bought the whiskey and had 3 drinks. Sunday we went to brunch and although my sister and aunt ordered margarita’s I was fine with my d.coke. I think that’s when I began to fool myself into thinking that I can handle drinking in moderation. Yesterday I decided to have the last 2 glasses of wine that was left over from Friday night. After I finished the wine off I went into the garage to check the laundry *wink*wink* where H keeps the alcohol and started taking pulls of vodka. I woke up feeling disgusted and disappointed in myself. Naturally my addiction is dancing a jig right now and trying to persuade me to put off my sobriety until the New Year. Fresh start and all that. I’m not going to give in. Today is Day 1.

Still in a funk

I still haven’t snapped out of my funk. I’m beginning to think maybe it’s the weather or the recent time change. All I want to do is sleep. I’m going to order dinner for my kids, attend a 12/12 book study and come back home and crawl into bed. This too shall pass.

Stay sober my friends.