Trying to keep it together.

I’m feeling drained today. The kids and I had a fun weekend but it was stressful on an emotional level for me. H is trying to play some sort of mind game and it’s taking a lot of energy to simply ignore it. Last week he invited me to the basketball play-off game for Friday night. His invitation upset me on many levels. First of all we are SEPARATED. He’s made it very clear on numerous occasions that he has no interest in going anywhere with me. He’s been to quite a few sporting events the past year (as usual) and has only invited me to 1 game. That was after the time he called me stupid. Remember this post? I think it was his way of trying to smooth things over between us. Anyway he invited me to Friday’s game and I declined. I was bothered that he would invite me. He’s made it very clear on several occasions how much he hates going places with me.  Either he tells me I’m not invited or when we do go some place together he sets out to be rude, insult and humiliate me. After the last incident when he left me at the restaurant I decided to separate. I made it very clear that I have no intention of ever going anyplace with him again. I released him of any obligation to spend time with me. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. So what does he do? He decides to invite me on a date. I declined so he went on to say that he was NOT going to take no for an answer. He said I was being stubborn and acting like a stick in the mud. Great, more insults! He said he was going to continue to ask me until I agreed to go with him. I alternated between ignoring his invitation or responding with a terse No thanks. After a while he started adding ‘incentives’ he said he would get me a new iphone, a new designer purse, etc if I agreed to go with him. His offer made me very angry. How dare he think that I can be bought.  There isn’t enough money or gifts in the world to get me to go anywhere with him. I didn’t really want to get into it but I reminded him that he told me he hates going places with me and that I’m an embarrassment to him. I suggested he ask someone else instead. He looked me straight in the face and denied all of it. Every horrible, insulting thing he said to me. Denied. All. Of. It.  It’s incredible how deep his denial goes. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and refuses to accept my decision to separate. He acts as though he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m just being difficult by setting my boundaries and refusing to remain in a destructive relationship with him. At times it’s infuriating but mostly it’s just sad.

This weekend I took the kids HERE for ice cream and to check out the new pins. I try to take them once a month and H never goes with us. Naturally this time he insisted on coming with us. It was awful. He spent the entire time checking his phone and ignoring the kids and I. Having him there was worse than going without him. His energy is so negative. All he did was ruin everyone’s good time. Although to be honest S didn’t notice a thing but the boy did. I could see him watching his dad and trying to guage his mood. We usually check out the pins, have a sundae then walk around H-Wood Blvd reading the stars. Our last stop is always HERE  where we have fun matching up our hands and feet to the different imprints. This time the boy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and after our ice cream he said he didn’t feel like walking around. I’m pretty sure the boy said that for his dad’s benefit since H looked bored the entire time we were there but I let it go. Truth be told I didn’t feel like doing our usual routine either. H being there was putting a damper on the day.

Yesterday was a little bit better. I hid out in my room most of the morning. I started to go stir crazy around 11am so I decided to take the kids to DCA. I’ve been working the past few weeks so I decided to splurge on annual passes for the kids and I. (Thank goodness I bought our passes 2 weeks ago since the prices of the passes/tickets went up yesterday. I though the price I paid for the pass was expensive. Now it’s outrageous!)  We got there by noon and had a great time. Our visits used to be focused on getting on the rides and we never paid much attention to the shows. Since we now have a pass we were able to see a show and not feel like we were missing out on the rides. Speaking of my job. This might be my last week here. I’m on assignment through an agency and it’s scheduled to end 5/24 but there’s the possibility that it could be extended. I’ll know more within the next few days. I’m hoping it will be extended because I don’t want to go back to staying at home but I’m not going to worry about it.  If it doesn’t get extended I have faith that something else will come along for me.  

So Fresh and so clean!

I’m grateful to report that I’m doing ok. I continue to have my moments of sadness but nothing too overwhelming. I’ve realized that it’s not so much the sadness that gets to me it’s the anxiety that often accompanies the sadness. I think the meditations that I’ve been focusing on have really helped to ease most of the anxiety. Mother’s Day was low-key. My nephew hosted a bbq for my mom, sister and I. It was at my sister’s house and I was able to get some much needed rest. My mom and sister are very supportive of my decision to separate from H. This situation has taken a large toll on them as well. I never really gave it much thought before but I can see how difficult it has been for them to witness all of the sadness and pain H has subjected me to. They are mourning the end of my marriage as I am but they are also relieved that I have finally chosen to move on. They love me and want a better life for my daughter and I.

I returned home Sunday night and H continued to ignore me. He’s ignored me since I told him it was over. Actually, I take that back. He sent me a text Sunday morning wishing me a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ that text really bothered me. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but it did. It felt like he was just playing games. I knew for a fact he was playing games when I got home and he continued to ignore me. I used the pent-up hurt and anger to rearrange my daughter’s bedroom. I’m happy to report that I ordered a bed and new linens online. I’ve been sleeping on the futon in my daughter’s room but quite honestly it’s killing my back. I decided to invest in a comfortable bed and bright cheery linens. The bed is being delivered today. The linens should be coming by the end of the week. In the meantime I’m going to stop at a discount linen store on my way home and pick up a sheet set and comforter to tide me over. The bed I ordered is a full size bed and we only have queen sheets. It’s ok though. I like the idea of all new linens on my bed that have never been touched or tainted by H. Last night I moved in a tv that H bought 2 years ago but then decided 2 weeks later that he wanted a bigger tv. He was unable to return the original tv so it’s been sitting in the garage. It’s a brand new 52’ flat screen tv. It’s great. I especially love having my own space. Although the situation is not ideal I’m doing what I can to carve out some personal space away from H and make myself comfortable. I’m taking care of me and it feels good.
I suppose it shouldn’t be surprising that I got a text, of all things, from H today stating the he’s not ready to give up on us and that he has hope although he knows things have been kind of rough he believes we can work it out. He must be insane or stupid to think a few insincere words can erase everything that’s happened between us. Maybe he thinks I’m insane or stupid and will change my mind about the separation. What struck me the most about his text was that there was no apology, no acknowledgement of his behavior, no remorse. As usual all he can think about is what he wants. That’s all that has ever mattered to him. What’s more for him to say that things have been “rough” is the understatement of the year! It’s been torture. Rough would be a walk in the park compared to what he has put me through. My immediate response was to respond with all kinds of profanities but instead I went outside and sat across the street at the watercourt. I gathered my thoughts and simply replied that a reconciliation was not possible. This is the best decision for both of us. The sooner we accept this the sooner we wil be able to move on. Naturally he didn’t respond to my text. That’s fine. I’m comfortable with what I said and my intentions were sincere. I didn’t say the hurtful things that I wanted to say. I was honest while being kind and true to myself.

We’ll I gotta run. It’s just about time to head home. I need to pick up my daughter and then run to the linen store for some fresh clean sheets to put on my new bed. Have a great night everyone 

Starting to see the light

My Reiki Healing session went good. I admit that I was expecting to be “Healed! Cured! All Better!” with one session but that’s not the way it works. It’s very demanding work emotionally. The session brought up all kinds of sadness and despair. I cried the entire time. It started out with my healer, I’ll call her Selene. We started out by having me lie down. Selene placed crystals on various parts of my body and gave me 2 to hold.   She then placed her hands very gently around the top of my head. I could feel the energy of my healer trying to heal me. It was very subtle but it was there. She then moved to my torso. At that point I could ‘see’ what she was seeing. Actually all I saw was blackness. It appeared to be a little shiny but it was jet black. After a few minutes Selene said, “You are really blocked up. It’s like an ink well in here” I was surprised that I was seeing the same thing. She then moved her hands to my breast bone and began to very gently tap. After a few seconds I had the sensation of being on the verge of crying. The sensation quickly grew and became overwhelming. It actually began to HURT. I flinched and she said, “That’s old pain coming up. Your body is releasing it. Don’t be afraid. Just let it all go. Let all the old hurt go. You are safe here.” She tapped and laid her hands on various parts of my body. She requested that I tell her when I felt pain. She didn’t want to hurt me so she would alternate between tapping, removing negative energy and trying to give me positive energy. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. I could feel when she removed the energy, or when she helped my body release it and when she was trying to give me positive healing energy. I cried the entire session. I just felt so very, very sad. I’ve known for a while that I’m sad but I had no idea just how sad I really am.  Once it was over we discussed what feelings came up for me during the session and she shared what she felt. We decided that I would see her once a week and then we’d re-evaluate where I was at after 4 sessions. I left feeling calmer and very, very tired. I went home and slept like a baby. I had scheduled another session for the following week.

That weekend H started acting like his usual mean self. I don’t really fell like getting into it but let me just say that we went out with friends Saturday night. He was in a foul mood and seemed to want to pick a fight. I did my best to ignore him attitude. We were all seated at dinner and towards the end of the meal I left to use the ladies room. During that time the bill came and everyone began to figure out what they ate so they could pay their portion. Although I had sat next to H the entire meal he had no idea what I had ordered. The plates had been cleared and I had was in the restroom. As I was washing my hands two of the other ladies from our party came into the restroom. We began chatting and I ended up waiting for them. We all touched up our make-up and went back to the table. At that point the bill had been settled and we were heading out to a nightclub. H pulled me aside and began to berate me for embarrassing him. He was angry because he had no idea what I had ordered for dinner therefore had a difficult time deciding how much he owed. Ultimately he paid what he thought was enough but was livid about it. He went on to insult me, telling me that he hated going places with me, that I always embarrass him, blah, blah. I tried reasoning with him but he refused to be reasoned with. I was this horrible embarrassment to him and I ruined his entire evening. He stormed off. I naively assumed he went to the restroom or outside to cool off. Another couple who had witnessed the exchange but had backed off discretely came forward.  The look of pity in their eyes was awful to see. They didn’t mention the incident but I sensed that they were trying to provide some sense of comfort towards me. After about 10 minutes the guy excused himself to go to the restroom. He was gone a quite a few minutes. When he came back he looked uncomfortable. He asked if I knew where H had went. I must have looked very surprised because he said, “his car is gone but you can ride with us to the nightclub” I declined but they were very sweet and insistent that I continue on with the evening as planned. So I went along and managed to have a fairly nice time. Oh and I drank. Not a bunch but more than I should have. During the evening I called and text H repeatedly but he never responded. Some of the other men in the group attempted to call him as well but he never responded. The couple dropped me of later at home and H’s car was in the driveway. I went inside and he was asleep in our bed. I went and slept in our daughters room. The next morning when I woke up I started really thinking about the evening before. It really sank in that H had picked a fight with me for no reason, insulted and humiliated me in public then left me there without a second thought as to how I would get home or if I would even be ok. He had no idea that one couple would stay behind to make sure I was ok. Most everyone had already left. The couple that stood behind just happened to overhear H and decided to wait it out. All of a sudden it became perfectly clear. I’m done. It’s over. I am never going to let this man hurt, insult or manipulate me ever again. The clarity in which I saw this and the conviction that I felt surprised me. There have been many, many instances over the years where I told myself that exact same thing but it was usually fueled by anger, or a desire for revenge (I’ll show him!) or complete and utter defeat. This time was different. I don’t know how to explain it but it came from a sense of calmness inside of me. I showered in the guest room and prepared myself for what I was going to do next. I went into the living room where he was watching sports. I told him that we needed to talk. He barely glanced my way or acknowledged me. I got the remote and turned off the tv. Then I looked him in the face and said, “It’s over. As of this moment we are no longer married. Although I’m not in a position to move out of this house physically I’m moving into our daughter’s bedroom until I can move out permanently. I am no longer going to allow you to insult and humiliate me. You have done me wrong for the very last time. I am breaking the tie that binds us. I am NOT your wife and you are not my husband” I know it sounds very dramatic but at that moment I meant every word with all of my heart. I walked away feeling a huge sense of relief. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my head and my heart. That day I began moving into my daughter’s room. H never said a word while I spoke and has ignored me every day since then. After the initial euphoria wore off I began to feel sad about the ending of my marriage but I have not had one single second thought or regret about my decision to end our marriage. The sadness comes in waves and I try my best to simply feel the sadness. I don’t stuff it down, try to ignore it or tell myself that it doesn’t matter or that I don’t care. It does matter and I do care. I took my marriage vows seriously, I believed that this was the person for me and that we would be together forever. To see it fall apart hurts very deeply however my decision remains the same. I’m done. I am no longer his wife. He is not my husband. It’s over.

Smell

So I’m well into my second week here at my new job. You can read about the job here. Things are going really good on the job front. I started on a Friday so last week I got paid for one (1) day of work.  It felt great to be getting a paycheck again. I was on cloud 9 the whole commute home Friday afternoon. I packed up the kids and drove to my sister’s house for the weekend. It was great spending the weekend with money to burn. We ate out a few times and took the kids to the park and to the zoo. I thought about drinking a few times but it was just that, a thought. As I mentioned in another post the obsessive/compulsion to drink has lessened. Which has been a big relief. I have another appointment with my Reiki Healer this week which I’m looking forward to.

Therapy has been going well. I beginning to regain some of my self esteem/self worth back. I spent the last 5 years listening to H berate me and my abilities as a wife/mother/woman and I had started to believe it. It’s been very difficult emotionally but I’ve begun to really examine how H’s treatment of me has affected my view and perception of myself. I used to think that it didn’t affect me. After all, I’ve always believed that I’m a good daughter, sister, friend, aunt, wife (in spite of the fact that H would disagree. What does he know?!) and mother. I’m fairly easy on the eyes. I’m smart, generous, kind, loving, honest, loyal, cultured, polite...Seeing how I believe all of these positive qualities about myself it was hard for me to acknowledge that my self esteem/self worth has suffered as a result of H’s verbal abuse.  It has though. It’s damaged me on a very fundamental deep level. It took a while to be able to recognize and verbalize it. It took me even longer to admit to myself what I truly feel inside about myself.  It’s very difficult just to write it out here. I’m fighting back tears as I’m typing this but I’m going to put it out there anyway. I realized that I have an intense amount of self-loathing regarding my body. I honestly, truly believe that I smell. As in I’m dirty, unwashed.  I believe that my normal odor is disgusting and offensive. I believe that my hair, my body, my breath, my feet, everything about me smells. I believe that if someone were to get close to me they would be repulsed by me. I literally keep everyone at an arms distance away. It’s crazy. Logically I know that there is no way I can smell THAT bad. I shower every day, sometimes twice a day. My clothes are always freshly laundered. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. I use perfume or scented lotion every single day. There is no logical reason why I would smell dirty but I feel as though I do. I feel as though THAT’S why H never hugs or kisses me. Much less make love to me. But even that line of thinking is faulty. He never gets close enough to me to be able to smell me. How would he know what I smell like?

It’s crazy that no matter how many times I shower, wash my clothes, brush my teeth, spray perfume, apply scented lotion, etc. I still believe that I’m dirty and that I smell. It’s ridiculous and so very sad.

As for the current situation with H, things are a little bit worse between us. It's partly due to the fact that I'm angry at the realization at the debth of my self loathing. I know it can't all be his fault but the fact remains that I blame him. I've also begun to see the motive behind his actions towards me. I've realized that he tries to control me. He uses money, manipulation and plain old fashioned insults to keep me 'in line' It doesn't matter what I try to talk to him about (Yesterday it was my request that he help more with dinner preparations since we both work. The fact of the matter is I leave for work 1 hour before he does, my commute is twice what his is and I get home almost @ hours after he does. He's usually asleep when I leave for work and taking a nap when I get home) he always turns it into the opportunity to insult me. According to him he has no intention of helping with dinner because:
1. I don't cook that well to begin with so he refuses to"help" with dinner that I'm going to ruin anyway.
2. If I cleaned the house better he'd be motivated to help but since the house is a mess I don't deserve his help.
3. He refuses to help because all I do is nag about everything so if he were to help I'd still find something to nag about so he doesn't see the point.

This last excuse of his is a real kicker. Are you ready for it?

4. He doesn't feel like helping out so he's not going to. End of story as far as he's concerned.

Things have somewhat shifted from a constant battle between us to me basically telling him "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on asshole" then going on with my life as though he does not exist. It's no way to live but honestly he's not worth the energy or the effort it takes to fight with him. I always lose so I prefer not to engage with him on any level. I try to keep to myself, take care of my kids, go to work and save money so I can move on with my life. I can't wait until that day comes.

Boundaries

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow bright and early @8am. I can’t wait. I literally have a list of items that I need help sorting through. My main problem, aside from the alcohol is co-dependence. I’m sure it’s probably been very obvious to you, my dear reader, but it’s been a bit of an eye opening revelation. 

Once we worked through that the therapist wanted to know what my goal of therapy was going to be from that point forward. After much discussion and self reflection on my part I decided my goal would be to find appropriate boundaries to apply to my current situation. I let H take up entirely too much space in my head. Since moving out is not an option due to financial reasons I need to determine what I need to feel safe emotionally and to enable me to model safe boundaries/self care to my daughter.

The first boundary that popped into my mind was our sleeping arrangement. H has camped out on the couch for over 1 year. Initially I was hurt by it, questioned him incessantly about it, did stuff/wore stuff to try and ‘entice’ him back into our bed. Nothing worked. Eventually I gave up and finally I accepted it. I never, however liked it. I got to the point where I did not want him in my bed but I still did not want to be alone. I’m too young and have too much life left inside of me to be in a celibate, loveless marriage. The last couple of months I’ve toyed with the idea of asking H to move out. I hate feeling like I’m living a lie or pretending to be something or have something (a marriage) that I don’t have. Plus, I have to admit. I really started to enjoy sleeping alone and having the bedroom to myself. Prior to meeting H I lived alone for about 8 years. I had roommates I college and it always turned into a disaster so after college there was no question in my mind. I would live alone. I loved it and missed it desperately after getting married. So much so that shortly after getting married and moving in with H I redecorated the guest bedroom into a “ladies lounge” I had the whole shabby chic, beach theme going on. I put in a bed, loveseat and entire entertainment center. I LOVED it in there. I moved in there permanently when H and I decided to divorce. I moved back out when I found out I was pregnant. I sold everything and redecorated it into a nursery for S.

I know I usually go on and on but let me try to make a very long story short by saying that I decided the first boundary I would establish would be that H move out of our bedroom. S no longer sleeps in her crib. One night she simply refused and that was the end of that. Instead she sleeps on a futon in her room. The futon was intended for my sister and her family when they visit us. S’ crib converts into a toddler bed and eventually a full size bed. I had asked H repeatedly to convert her crib into a toddler bed. He ‘never got around to it” Fine. I decided that H would move into S’ room and I would buy her a toddler bed and put it in my room. It would be tight but if I moved H’s nightstand out there would be more than enough room for me to make a spot for S. I would also request that H take his chest of drawers out and put in S’ chest of drawers but if he didn’t do it immediately that would be ok too. I could live with it. I was committed to doing what I need to do to get by with my boundary firmly in place. I had been stuck in a pattern of letting H redirect any conversation I initiated into an attack against me and my worth. H would purposely do this so I would end up feeling hurt and attempting to defend myself while letting the original issue and him off the hook. My therapist helped me to see this pattern and identify it for what it was. H is manipulating me and refusing to own up to his actions.

I’m going to go on a tangent here but I have to say that in my sessions I spoke of what has gone on in my marriage and how I felt about it. It completely blew me away when the therapist suggested the statements H make towards me are hurtful, the circumstances that I’ve tried so hard to persevere through are emotional and mental torture, the fact that I have needs too and deserve to have them met by my husband is not asking for too much and does not make me a bad wife or mother. Mind you, my therapist is very skilled. She never, ever said a bad or negative word about H.  She listened to my tales of woe and responded with empathy and compassion. Lot’s of, “that must have felt awful, that must have really hurt, that sounds insensitive, of course you’d be hurt, etc.” All very cliché, I know but they struck such a cord within me. I felt validated. Something that I have never felt in this marriage. She made it ok to feel as bad as I feel. I’m not sure if that makes any sense but that’s the only way I can describe it.

Ok, back to my story. I mentally and emotionally prepared myself; I rehearsed what I was going to say. I reminded myself to stick to the topic, not let H railroad me onto another subject. I was going to ignore the attempts to put me on the defensive. Pay no mind to the inevitable insults. I approached H and asked him if he had a moment for me. He said he did and I laid it out: Move out of our bedroom. He had made his wishes/desires towards me clear by sleeping on the couch for the past year. He set a physical boundary between us. I need to set an emotional boundary. I want my bedroom to be my private space for my daughter and I. He has slept on the couch for the past year but he still came in every morning to shower and get ready for work. I want that to stop. I need my room to be my sanctuary away from him and this so-called marriage. I’m done pretending. We live like roommates so we will be just that. Roommates. Naturally he said, “I’ll think about it” in a dismissive tone as he walked away. That stung but I concentrated on breathing through the moment and approached him to initiate the conversation again. Once he realized I would not be put off he reluctantly agreed. This happened Friday evening. We spent our evening as usual. He was in the living room watching TV. I went between the kitchen, outside to blow bubbles with S, laundry room, kids room and my room. H fell asleep on the couch and I went to bed alone.

I woke up about 5am to H snuggling up to me. He scared the heck out of me. I jumped so high I almost hit the ceiling. He was trying to put the moves on me. It kept my head about myself and asked him to refrain from touching me in that way. Too much has happened between us and it’s been too long remember this? He acted all hurt and offended but I paid him no mind. Saturday morning I began putting S bed together. Saturday night he came to bed but kept his hands to himself. Sunday he slept on the couch. Monday he sent me a text, “by the way I’m moving back into our room” I responded that I was not comfortable with that. There was too much distance between us. I didn’t want him in my bed. He text back that he also felt that there was distance and wanted to ‘fix it’ by sleeping in our bed again. I asked him point blank why he left in the first place. Unless he could be honest with himself and me nothing would change. He didn’t respond but slept on the couch. For the past 2 days he’s been very attentive, calling and texting throughout the day. Telling me not to cook dinner so he could pick up my favorite take out and he’s been sleeping in my bed. I hate it. I feel so uncomfortable with him in my bed. It truly feels like sleeping with a stranger. I can’t relax. I doubt he’s going to try anything but I feel as though I’m on guard. I don’t want him touching me. It’s sad but true. I’ve thought of asking him to go back to the couch but I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected by me. As crazy as it sounds I’m worried about causing irreparable damage to our marriage. As if anything could ever repair the damage he’s caused….Told you I was co-dependent!

Bottom line. I do not know what to do. Even after everything that’s happened between us the boundaries of where he ends and I begin are blurred. I plan to discuss this issue with my therapist and work towards a resolution tomorrow. Another goal, suggested by my therapist is to make a connection between my heart and my head. My head knows what is going on and what I need to do but my heart only knows what it feels. That leaves me feeling unhappy, unloved and stuck. That needs to change.