I drank.

After posting I pulled into my driveway and went into the house. I had been doing laundry before I left so I went into the garage to check on my load. That's when I remembered the open bottle of vodka H keeps in the garage. I walked right over and pulled it out. I held it in my hands and wrestled with whether or not I really wanted a drink. I did. I thought through the drink...I still wanted it. I thought about how much I want to be sober. I thought about the fact that I gave up drinking for Lent. I still wanted it. I told myself that after I finished the laundry if I still wanted it I could have ONE.

Laundry was all done, folded and put away. I still wanted it. So I had one drink. Then I had another. I thought about another but decided that a beer would be 'better' I poured myself a beer and happened to look at the time. It was almost 1am, the whole house was asleep. Hell just about everyone, everywhere was asleep. It was the middle of the night and I was drinking. I threw the beer down the drain and went to bed. This morning I threw out the rest of the vodka along with the open bottles of tequila, rum and bourbon. H is a beer drinker but he keeps those bottles for company. Those bottles, the vodka in particular, have been my downfall in the past. They have to go. H isn't going to be happy when he realizes that I threw them out. Oh well. This is my house too and I do not want them around.

Back to day one. What a drag.

The pull

I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.

So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.

Revenge of the OBSESSION.

I was doing pretty good today. I'm not sure what happened but I know where the urge to drink is comig from. I suppose that's a start. I picked up my kids after my class and came home to a messy house, my monthly is 3 days late and I'm very irritable. Every single thing makes me want to jump out of my skin. The dog barking, my kids requesting a snack or something to drink. My daughter asking me to put on Incredibles for the millionth time. My son excitedly wanting to discuss our upcoming weekend trip to Disneyland. The tv is too loud, the light too bright. I went to my room to decompress and the kids followed me. They wanted to snuggle with me on my bed. It's cold out so we are all in lounge wear. Perfect for snuggling but yet I want to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE. I won't though. It's not their fault. They are just kids and on most days I welcome the requests for a snack, or the invitation to watch Incredibles for the millionth time and love snuggling with them but not today. Not right now. A drink would take all of those irritable, unkind feelings away. It'll make this moment in my life bearable. One drink won't hurt, right? I can always quit again tomorrow, right?

Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.

Lent

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.

Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.

By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.

I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.

Mission Accomplished

I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!

I need to get out of my own head.

Today has been fairly uneventful. I thought about drinking once or twice this evening but I ignored it. So far the obsession/compulsion hasn't reared it's ugly head. That's a relief. I've also been thinking about this weekend. The past few times I tried to stop drinking I felt myself dreading the weekend, especially if it was a weekend where I knew our plans included places where alcohol would be prominent. This weekend we have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. As with pretty much every party I go to, there is always plenty of alcohol. Sunday, obviously is Super Bowl and we are invited to another booze laden affair. This time around I'm not the least bit concerned. I feel confident that not drinking will not be an issue for me. Although the confidence I'm feeling about being able to not drink is a bit concerning. Wow, talk about a catch 22. I'm probably just over analyzing the whole thing. I'll be fine.

Back from Vacation

First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.

Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.

Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.

Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.

Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.

We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.

Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.

Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.

Tired of the lies

I posted a while back about slipping. I ended up taking swings of vodka from a bottle H keeps in the garage. The bottle was half full but once I was done with it there was maybe a shot or two left. The next day I was ashamed and upset about the amount I had drank. I made a mental note to replace the alcohol. I did not want H to know I had drank his vodka. The reason I say HIS vodka is because H is possessive to the point of stingy with everything. Money, food, alcohol, toiletries, you name it. It bugs him when I use HIS lotion. It took me ages to realize that he places his toiletries a certain way on his side of the bathroom sink so he can tell if I used something of his. It's ridiculous but most things are when it comes to H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.

Not giving up

Things around here are the same. Nothing has changed. I'm still unemployed, H is continuing to grate on my nerves and I'm still struggling not to drink. I haven't been very successful. I've managed to stay sober for a few days at a time but then throw it all away and have a few drinks. Last weekend I went to a party at my in-laws house. There was lots of alcohol and although I was tempted I resisted. It felt wonderful ending the evening sober and it was even better waking up the next morning feeling refreshed and with a clear head. I took the kids out to breakfast then to the mall to take pictures with Santa. I had a good 24 hours then threw it all away that night. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I've also been sort of experimenting with moderation and so far it's working but the truth of the matter is that I do NOT want to drink anymore. I want to put it down and never touch it again. Although I feel as though I'm never going to be able to achieve sobriety I am not going to quit. I'm going to keep climbing back on the wagon no matter how many times I fall off.

Thanksgiving weekend recap

Thanksgiving Recap

Wednesday 11/23/2011

S and I went to my mom’s house for dinner. Since beginning this journey of sobriety I have been avoiding my mom’s house. We ALWAYS drink together. I’ve told her my desire to quit and she is 100% supportive. I’ve asked her not to offer me any alcohol because I was not confident that I would be able to refuse. I used to spend every Friday night at her house with S. Since alcohol is always a part of our evening after I had S we decided early on that I would simply spend the night. Needless to say I haven’t been to my mom’s house in weeks and she was really starting to miss me and S. She requested that S spend the night before Thanksgiving with her so I could focus on cooking since I was having Thanksgiving at my house. The evening went well, dinner was delicious. I didn’t even think about drinking.  On my way home I stopped at the grocery store to buy a few items that I still needed. As I pull into the parking lot I know that I’m going to buy alcohol. I sat in my car and contemplated driving off. If I didn’t go in I wouldn’t buy alcohol. I called H and asked him if he would go to the store for the few items I needed. I explained my predicament and hoped that he would agree. He didn’t. Granted I could have driven off anyway and went back to the store once the obsession passed. I could have even said “oh well’ and done without the items but I didn’t. I went in and came out with alcohol. I drove home and prepared the stuffing, vegetable dish and appetizers while drinking.

Thursday 11/24/2011 Finished preparing the Thanksgiving meal while drinking.

Friday 11/25/2011 Took the kids to see The Muppets. Drank while making dinner.

Saturday 11/26/2011 Went to an evening dinner party. Drank champagne.

Sunday 11/27/2011 Took the kids to see Arthur Christmas. Resisted the urge to drink UNTIL after I put the kids to bed. Finished off the bottle.

Today. Yet another Day 1.

This is getting ridiculous.

Another slip

I drank Thursday, Friday, Saturday and yesterday. I can’t even tell you why I drank. Oh wait, that’s right. I’m an alcoholic. I could make excuses by saying that I didn’t drink that much, although admittedly it was MORE than I wanted to drink since I decided a few weeks ago that I no longer wanted to drink. I was done drinking. At least I thought I was. I could also blame it on H. He had been playing his usual mind games over the past week such as ignoring my calls, showing up hours later than expected, refusing to tell me where he was, promising to meet me at a very important family gathering (my sister and I were throwing a dinner party for my mom’s birthday) then sending me a text hours later that said, “I decided not to go but you probably figured that out by now” Actually I hadn’t figured that out. I once again believed that he would do what he said he would do. It’s stupid really. I didn’t even really enjoy drinking. I was angry and hurt at H for his behavior the past week so I went out deliberately and bought a small bottle of whiskey. Friday I bought a bottle of wine and had 2 glasses. Saturday I volunteered to stop by the store and pick up the few items that were still needed for the dinner party. I went straight to the liquor aisle and got a big bottle of whiskey. As I walked around the store getting the various items I needed I kept thinking to myself, “You don’t have to buy that bottle of whiskey. You don’t have to drink.” I knew I would have a perfectly fine time without alcohol but I was upset at H for not showing up and therefore determined to drink. I bought the whiskey and had 3 drinks. Sunday we went to brunch and although my sister and aunt ordered margarita’s I was fine with my d.coke. I think that’s when I began to fool myself into thinking that I can handle drinking in moderation. Yesterday I decided to have the last 2 glasses of wine that was left over from Friday night. After I finished the wine off I went into the garage to check the laundry *wink*wink* where H keeps the alcohol and started taking pulls of vodka. I woke up feeling disgusted and disappointed in myself. Naturally my addiction is dancing a jig right now and trying to persuade me to put off my sobriety until the New Year. Fresh start and all that. I’m not going to give in. Today is Day 1.

Weekend

Friday I woke up in a funk. I decided to skip work. I relaxed with S, picked up the boy from school (Friday’s are half/days) and took the kids to lunch. I was going to my sister’s house for the weekend so I had tons of laundry to do. H came home and I went to an 8pm meeting. I was envisioning the weekend and kept thinking about drinking. I hoped the meeting would get my head straight. It didn’t really work, mainly because I wasn’t in the mind set. I walked in just as it was about to start and a woman who I’ve seen at the meeting a few times motioned me to sit by her. I sat down and she started talking to me over the person leading the meeting. Mind you, she was sitting right next to the meeting leader. I motioned to her that I was trying to listen to the meeting but she kept talking. I finally whispered to her that we would talk later and she quieted down but only for a brief period. Every chance she got she would talk to me. I’ll admit I wasn’t in the best mood. I was trying to ignore my urge to drink and really needed to just sit at the meeting and listen. I may be incorrect in my perception but at one point she asked me if I had a sponsor and seemed judgmental when I told her I didn’t. She also kept pushing the phone list and a pen at me insisting that I put my number down. I don’t think I would have much to offer if someone were to call me for support so I declined. She continued to insist that I should, especially since I didn’t have a sponsor, blah, blah, blah. By this point I just wanted to get away from her. I almost walked out of the meeting. I wasn’t getting anything out of the meeting with her in my ear the entire time. Finally, mercifully the meeting was over. I ran out of there and got home to find H passed out on the couch again and S wandering around the house. It was 9:30pm. When I left at 7:45pm I changed her into her pj’s. I reminded H that my meeting was an hour and a half and asked him to put S to bed.  I woke him up and asked him why she was still up. According to him he didn’t know what her bed time was. REALLY!? My bed time routine for her is the same every single night and he’s never noticed what time she goes to bed? The last thing she does before I put her to bed is give him a kiss good night. I don’t believe that he doesn’t know what her bed time is. He’s lying. I bet he was asleep for the entire time I was gone. I put S down and them climbed into bed. I still wanted a drink in the worst way but I decided to go to sleep instead.

Saturday morning H dropped me and S off at my sister’s house. The boy stood with his uncle. My sister lives 2 hours away and H had planned a guys weekend in her city. The football team he favors was playing the team from my sister’s hometown and H got tickets to the game. As we drove to my sister’s house I kept thinking of drinking. My sister and her husband don’t drink very often but they have a large supply of liquor in their garage, mainly left over from parties. They also have a refrigerator stocked with beer. The beer wouldn’t be a problem for me. H also has a refrigerator stocked with beer in our garage. I’m not tempted to drink it. Hard liquor on the other hand, is my weakness. My sister and I took the kids to the zoo. The zoo just happens to sell beer, wine and margaritas. I kept thinking of buying one but I managed to resist. Later my sister took the kids into the bird aviary and I went to wait for them by the exit. The exit was right by a stand selling margaritas. I sat on a bench and wrestled with myself about buying one. By the time I allowed myself to consider it the stand was closing up. We stopped by the grocery store on the way back to my sisters house. Once again I wrestled with myself over buying alcohol. The last time I was at my sisters I had left a bottle of whiskey. I was fairly positive it would still be there. I bought my favorite mixer and told myself that if the whiskey was still there then I could have a drink. Of course it was there. So I mixed myself a drink and finished off the bottle.

So here we go again. Another slip, another day 2. What a drag.