Revenge of the OBSESSION.

I was doing pretty good today. I'm not sure what happened but I know where the urge to drink is comig from. I suppose that's a start. I picked up my kids after my class and came home to a messy house, my monthly is 3 days late and I'm very irritable. Every single thing makes me want to jump out of my skin. The dog barking, my kids requesting a snack or something to drink. My daughter asking me to put on Incredibles for the millionth time. My son excitedly wanting to discuss our upcoming weekend trip to Disneyland. The tv is too loud, the light too bright. I went to my room to decompress and the kids followed me. They wanted to snuggle with me on my bed. It's cold out so we are all in lounge wear. Perfect for snuggling but yet I want to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE. I won't though. It's not their fault. They are just kids and on most days I welcome the requests for a snack, or the invitation to watch Incredibles for the millionth time and love snuggling with them but not today. Not right now. A drink would take all of those irritable, unkind feelings away. It'll make this moment in my life bearable. One drink won't hurt, right? I can always quit again tomorrow, right?

Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.

I'm lovable

I read various addiction, co-dependent, meditational (is that a word?) and inspirational literature on a daily basis. Being Catholic I also try to remember to pray daily, both alone and with my children. When I'm feeling especially in need of a prayer I'll pray the rosary. For the most part the literature, praying, etc doesn't seem to leave much of a mark on me. Almost as soon as I've finished I'm off doing or thinking about something else. I've tried to be still, quiet and mindful but life and family always makes an appearance. I used to struggle with it and attempt to silence the noise, both inside my head and out, eventually I decided to simply let it be. I figured even I can't be that thick. I hoped the necessary message or lesson would eventually stick in my head and I would be made aware of it.

One of the books that I read religiously is The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. I absolutely adore the book. I purchased the book in October of 2008. It was during this time. It has specific readings for each day of the year. I often read the passage for the day then skim ahead and read a few more passages. I also like to read the passage for my date of birth. It's titled "Moving On" which has always felt appropriate. I read today's passage when I awoke almost 8 hours ago and the message has stuck in my  mind. The title is "You are lovable" I want to share this with all of you. I looked online and found the entire passage. Imagine that! I want to give credit where credit is due so I will link to the site.

Enjoy my friends. You are lovable.

Lent

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.

Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.

By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.

I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.

First one.

I went to my first sober funeral today. The old familiar obsession/compulsion to drink was not there. I am incredibly grateful for that. I'll admit that I thought about drinking but it was just that, a fleeting thought that passed through my mind then it was gone. Tomorrow is the actual burial service with a celebration of life luncheon after. It's going to be a booze laden event but I'm not worried. I'll be fine. I'm firm in my commitment to be sober. Drinking isn't going to make the situation less painful. In fact drinking is only going to make me feel worse. While the service this evening was difficult I'm very glad that I was able to stay sober for another day.

Mission Accomplished

I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!

Fighting the compulsion.

Plans changed so instead of going to a friends house for the big game H decided to have his friends come here. There isnt a lot of people here but there is tons of alcohol and everyone is drinking. I find myself thinking about drinking. I'm not going to do it though. I may not have much sobriety behind me yet but sober is what's I want to be so drinking is not an option. The plan is to head to the mall with s. I have a few gifts from Christmas that I still need to exchange. I also have a coupon for a buy one get on free pretzel from the mall food court. I'll snack on my pretzel while S plays in the kiddies section at the mall. By the time we get back home the thought of drinking will be a distant memory.

Drive down memory lane.

I enjoyed myself at both parties today and I didn't drink. It wasn't hard at all to refuse alcohol when offered. I'm not sure what prompted the change but I'm grateful for the reprieve from obsession/compulsion to drink.

The parties were in the same area, roughly about 90 miles away from where we live. I refuse to drive if I've been drinking but I'm ashamed to admit that I have no problem with getting in the car with him if he's been drinking. Earlier in the week H had suggested we rent a room. He figured we would both be drinking and knew the burden of driving would be on him. Since I knew I wouldn't be drinking I offered to be the designated driver. About 5 miles away from home the freeway was closed unexpectedly for repairs. Everyone was forced to exit the freeway and follow the detour route by street. As I drove along I realized that I was going the same route I would take when I was drinking daily. My routine was to stop on my way home from work to buy vodka and then finish it off before I reached my freeway exit. Since this was a daily routine I did not want to stop at the same liquor store every day. I was worried the clerk might think I was an alcoholic! For some reason I find that to be funny now, especially since I AM an alcoholic. Anyway, I soon figured out every liquor store on my route home and would alternate the stores I stopped at. It's also worth noting that although I refused to drive AFTER drinking I saw nothing wrong with drinking while I was driving. I would wait until I had about 2 miles to go and would down the equivalent of about 4-5 drinks. I'm a binge drinker, obviously. I told myself that it didn't count as driving while intoxicated since the alcohol would begin to affect me as my drive home ended.

As I drove home tonight and remembered the various lengths I had gone to just for a drink it saddened me. The compulsion/obsession to drink followed by the despair and self loathing was terrible to remember. It was horrific when I lived it day after day. There is also a part of me tonight that is very grateful that I am no longer in that place. Those days are gone and I'm going to do everything in my power not to have to go there again. I want to recover. I will recover.

I chose recovery.

Today was rough. I struggled with my sobriety for most of the evening. Almost all of the triggers I felt were due to H. Now, I know that I cant always blame him for everything but in this instance it really does come down to him and his attitude towards me.
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.

On the bright side I didn't drink today!

Feeling good.

Thursdays have notoriously been my rough days. It's the day H always goes out with the guys and leaves me alone with the kids. I have tons of resentment about it. I dealt with that resentment by ordering in and drinking the night away. Today was different. Although the thought of alcohol entered my mind I didn't feel the obsessive compulsion that I have felt on previous Thursday's. I was able to ignore it. In the absence of the compulsion to drink I noticed I felt on edge and irritated. I didn't want to drink but I wanted to do something. I felt like I was climbing the walls. All of these possibilities came to mind. I thought about going shopping, taking the kids to get ice cream, anything just to get out. The problem was I didn't really want to do any of those things, nor did I really have the money to do them. I decided to start dinner and was looking out the window while I thought about what to make with the chicken I had defrosted. I noticed the neighbors tree is hanging over into our yard and heavy with ripe oranges. I decided to make citrus/orange marinated chicken and orange pound cake for dessert. I LOVE to cook and instantly felt better. I gathered some oranges after I set the chicken to marinate S and I sat outside and ate oranges. They were so sweet and juicy. It was such a simple joy to sit with my baby girl and eat oranges. The marinated chicken and orange pound cake we had later weren't too bad either! I'm so glad I was able to stay sober today. It feels great.

I need to get out of my own head.

Today has been fairly uneventful. I thought about drinking once or twice this evening but I ignored it. So far the obsession/compulsion hasn't reared it's ugly head. That's a relief. I've also been thinking about this weekend. The past few times I tried to stop drinking I felt myself dreading the weekend, especially if it was a weekend where I knew our plans included places where alcohol would be prominent. This weekend we have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. As with pretty much every party I go to, there is always plenty of alcohol. Sunday, obviously is Super Bowl and we are invited to another booze laden affair. This time around I'm not the least bit concerned. I feel confident that not drinking will not be an issue for me. Although the confidence I'm feeling about being able to not drink is a bit concerning. Wow, talk about a catch 22. I'm probably just over analyzing the whole thing. I'll be fine.