After posting I pulled into my driveway and went into the house. I had been doing laundry before I left so I went into the garage to check on my load. That's when I remembered the open bottle of vodka H keeps in the garage. I walked right over and pulled it out. I held it in my hands and wrestled with whether or not I really wanted a drink. I did. I thought through the drink...I still wanted it. I thought about how much I want to be sober. I thought about the fact that I gave up drinking for Lent. I still wanted it. I told myself that after I finished the laundry if I still wanted it I could have ONE.
Laundry was all done, folded and put away. I still wanted it. So I had one drink. Then I had another. I thought about another but decided that a beer would be 'better' I poured myself a beer and happened to look at the time. It was almost 1am, the whole house was asleep. Hell just about everyone, everywhere was asleep. It was the middle of the night and I was drinking. I threw the beer down the drain and went to bed. This morning I threw out the rest of the vodka along with the open bottles of tequila, rum and bourbon. H is a beer drinker but he keeps those bottles for company. Those bottles, the vodka in particular, have been my downfall in the past. They have to go. H isn't going to be happy when he realizes that I threw them out. Oh well. This is my house too and I do not want them around.
Back to day one. What a drag.
Showing posts with label cravings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cravings. Show all posts
Friday, March 2, 2012
The realization
I posted this on a msg board a few months ago. I thought it would be a good idea to post it here too. It's what was going on in my life that made me think alcohol was taking over my life.
I recently realized that I need to stop drinking. My drinking has gotten very compulsive, very rapidly. I was a SAHM for the past 2 years. While being a SAHM I focused on my kids and paid little to no attention to H. I denied the reality of my situation and just focused on getting through the day. I got a job in May and have been trying to hold everything at home together and ignore the fact that I have no marriage. I rush home, make dinner, check homework, get the kids ready for bed then spend the rest of my evenings alone, I also sleep alone. It is my belief that H is an alcoholic, he comes home after drinking all day at work (which he denies) and passes out on the couch. There is no relationship what-so-ever between us.
After a few weeks of this insanity I started drinking when I got home to “relax” (aka try to keep the denial about my life/marriage going) I’ve always been a binge drinker but have never felt the type of compulsion to drink that I began feeling a few weeks ago. In the span of about 5 months I went from the occasional bender when out on Friday or Saturday night to drinking a pint of vodka every single night and wine/beer or whatever else was available to get me going the next morning. One day h confronted me about my drinking (pot calling the kettle black). Naturally I denied that I was drinking too much. I set out to “show him” that I could stop at a glass or two of wine every night.
That’s when things went downhill even further. I began stopping at the store after work. I would buy ½ pint of vodka and a 16oz bottle of coke zero. I would empty out half of the soda and pour in the ½ pint of vodka.
Did anyone else know it fits perfectly? Not a drop wasted!!
Since I had S with me I didn’t want to drink and drive so I would park a few blocks away from my house, discard the evidence (vodka bottle) and chug the entire thing within 10 minutes and drive home. Naturally after having that much to drink in that short period of time I didn’t even want the glass or two of wine a night. Until I did.
One day during my “routine” I happened to glance back at S as I was pouring the vodka into my soda. Her face was expressionless, she was just watching me. She’s 2 so she obviously had no idea what I was doing or why I did it every day. The shame and guilt flooded me instantly. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I SWORE I would never be one myself. Naturally, I still drank my concoction but for the next few days was able to ride the shame and guilt and stop myself from doing it again.
Then they day came when h picked up S from daycare. Well it was game on, right?
That’s when it sunk in fully that I have a BIG, BIG problem. I’m an alcoholic. I still drank but tried to prove to myself that I could drink like a ‘normal person’ on weekends and such. No more drinking during the week. It didn’t work. I had seen the TRUTH and there was no way for me to ever “unsee” it. Although I know the day may come where I forget it.
So I quit. I’m on day 5 of my recovery. I’ve gone to 2 AA meetings and plan on going to one tonight, tomorrow and another on Sunday. This is my first “sober” weekend and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll drink, scared what will happen if I don’t drink and have to sit with my feelings about h and my marriage. My home and h are my triggers. I can’t hide from it any longer. I have to recover so I can finally deal with this marriage and move on to build a better life for me and S. That will never happen if I continue drinking.
I recently realized that I need to stop drinking. My drinking has gotten very compulsive, very rapidly. I was a SAHM for the past 2 years. While being a SAHM I focused on my kids and paid little to no attention to H. I denied the reality of my situation and just focused on getting through the day. I got a job in May and have been trying to hold everything at home together and ignore the fact that I have no marriage. I rush home, make dinner, check homework, get the kids ready for bed then spend the rest of my evenings alone, I also sleep alone. It is my belief that H is an alcoholic, he comes home after drinking all day at work (which he denies) and passes out on the couch. There is no relationship what-so-ever between us.
After a few weeks of this insanity I started drinking when I got home to “relax” (aka try to keep the denial about my life/marriage going) I’ve always been a binge drinker but have never felt the type of compulsion to drink that I began feeling a few weeks ago. In the span of about 5 months I went from the occasional bender when out on Friday or Saturday night to drinking a pint of vodka every single night and wine/beer or whatever else was available to get me going the next morning. One day h confronted me about my drinking (pot calling the kettle black). Naturally I denied that I was drinking too much. I set out to “show him” that I could stop at a glass or two of wine every night.
That’s when things went downhill even further. I began stopping at the store after work. I would buy ½ pint of vodka and a 16oz bottle of coke zero. I would empty out half of the soda and pour in the ½ pint of vodka.
Did anyone else know it fits perfectly? Not a drop wasted!!
Since I had S with me I didn’t want to drink and drive so I would park a few blocks away from my house, discard the evidence (vodka bottle) and chug the entire thing within 10 minutes and drive home. Naturally after having that much to drink in that short period of time I didn’t even want the glass or two of wine a night. Until I did.
One day during my “routine” I happened to glance back at S as I was pouring the vodka into my soda. Her face was expressionless, she was just watching me. She’s 2 so she obviously had no idea what I was doing or why I did it every day. The shame and guilt flooded me instantly. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and I SWORE I would never be one myself. Naturally, I still drank my concoction but for the next few days was able to ride the shame and guilt and stop myself from doing it again.
Then they day came when h picked up S from daycare. Well it was game on, right?
That’s when it sunk in fully that I have a BIG, BIG problem. I’m an alcoholic. I still drank but tried to prove to myself that I could drink like a ‘normal person’ on weekends and such. No more drinking during the week. It didn’t work. I had seen the TRUTH and there was no way for me to ever “unsee” it. Although I know the day may come where I forget it.
So I quit. I’m on day 5 of my recovery. I’ve gone to 2 AA meetings and plan on going to one tonight, tomorrow and another on Sunday. This is my first “sober” weekend and I’m scared. Scared that I’ll drink, scared what will happen if I don’t drink and have to sit with my feelings about h and my marriage. My home and h are my triggers. I can’t hide from it any longer. I have to recover so I can finally deal with this marriage and move on to build a better life for me and S. That will never happen if I continue drinking.
The pull
I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.
So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.
So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Revenge of the OBSESSION.
I was doing pretty good today. I'm not sure what happened but I know where the urge to drink is comig from. I suppose that's a start. I picked up my kids after my class and came home to a messy house, my monthly is 3 days late and I'm very irritable. Every single thing makes me want to jump out of my skin. The dog barking, my kids requesting a snack or something to drink. My daughter asking me to put on Incredibles for the millionth time. My son excitedly wanting to discuss our upcoming weekend trip to Disneyland. The tv is too loud, the light too bright. I went to my room to decompress and the kids followed me. They wanted to snuggle with me on my bed. It's cold out so we are all in lounge wear. Perfect for snuggling but yet I want to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE. I won't though. It's not their fault. They are just kids and on most days I welcome the requests for a snack, or the invitation to watch Incredibles for the millionth time and love snuggling with them but not today. Not right now. A drink would take all of those irritable, unkind feelings away. It'll make this moment in my life bearable. One drink won't hurt, right? I can always quit again tomorrow, right?
Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.
Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Lent
I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.
Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.
By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.
I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.
Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.
By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.
I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Mission Accomplished
I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Fighting the compulsion.
Plans changed so instead of going to a friends house for the big game H decided to have his friends come here. There isnt a lot of people here but there is tons of alcohol and everyone is drinking. I find myself thinking about drinking. I'm not going to do it though. I may not have much sobriety behind me yet but sober is what's I want to be so drinking is not an option. The plan is to head to the mall with s. I have a few gifts from Christmas that I still need to exchange. I also have a coupon for a buy one get on free pretzel from the mall food court. I'll snack on my pretzel while S plays in the kiddies section at the mall. By the time we get back home the thought of drinking will be a distant memory.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I chose recovery.
Today was rough. I struggled with my sobriety for most of the evening. Almost all of the triggers I felt were due to H. Now, I know that I cant always blame him for everything but in this instance it really does come down to him and his attitude towards me.
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.
On the bright side I didn't drink today!
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.
On the bright side I didn't drink today!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I need to get out of my own head.
Today has been fairly uneventful. I thought about drinking once or twice this evening but I ignored it. So far the obsession/compulsion hasn't reared it's ugly head. That's a relief. I've also been thinking about this weekend. The past few times I tried to stop drinking I felt myself dreading the weekend, especially if it was a weekend where I knew our plans included places where alcohol would be prominent. This weekend we have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. As with pretty much every party I go to, there is always plenty of alcohol. Sunday, obviously is Super Bowl and we are invited to another booze laden affair. This time around I'm not the least bit concerned. I feel confident that not drinking will not be an issue for me. Although the confidence I'm feeling about being able to not drink is a bit concerning. Wow, talk about a catch 22. I'm probably just over analyzing the whole thing. I'll be fine.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Back from Vacation
First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.
Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.
Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.
Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.
Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.
Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.
We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.
Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.
Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.
Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.
Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.
Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.
Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.
Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.
We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.
Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.
Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tired of the lies
I posted a while back about slipping. I ended up taking swings of vodka from a bottle H keeps in the garage. The bottle was half full but once I was done with it there was maybe a shot or two left. The next day I was ashamed and upset about the amount I had drank. I made a mental note to replace the alcohol. I did not want H to know I had drank his vodka. The reason I say HIS vodka is because H is possessive to the point of stingy with everything. Money, food, alcohol, toiletries, you name it. It bugs him when I use HIS lotion. It took me ages to realize that he places his toiletries a certain way on his side of the bathroom sink so he can tell if I used something of his. It's ridiculous but most things are when it comes to H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Cherry Limeade
I haven't had a drink since New Years Day. I'm slowly inching my way towards 2 weeks of sobriety. As I mentioned before, its been very difficult for me to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks. Predictably I want a drink. No, I take that back. I do NOT want a drink. I never want to drink again but yet the obsession/compulsion to drink is there. I hate it. I had a lovely day. S and I met up with a friend of mine so our girls could have a play date. Later we went to lunch. It was nice catching up with my friend for some much needed girl talk/adult conversation. This evening is quite nice as well. H is out so it's just the kids and I. I ordered my favorite piazza for dinner and washed it down with root beer. Now we are snuggled in out pj's watching Up, our new favorite movie. But yet my mind keeps wandering to alcohol. I dont want a drink, I dont need a drink. I'm fine without alcohol but this damn obsession/compulsion simply will not leave me alone. My addiction is trying to wear me down. It wants me to think I want a drink when I know I don't. I'm not going to give in. I can do this. I'm going to mix myself some cherry limeade with lots of crushed ice. That beats alcohol any old day!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Having a rough time.
I've had a rough couple of days. My temporary assignment/job ended so I'm back home with S. It's unbelievable how hard it is to find a job. I remember the days when I would decide I wanted a new job and within a month I'd have a new job. I've been actively looking for a job since April 2010. Finally in May 2011 I received an offer from a temporary agency. It was for a 6 month assignment. There was no guarantee that the job would become permanent but I hoped it would. Unfortunately a permanent position did not become available so I'm out of a job.
I haven't gotten to the financial part of My Story yet but let me just say things are NOT good. During the time that I was unable to find a job H complained incessantly about the financial burden of me not working. While one part of me sympathized with him the other part of me got tired of hearing him complain. Millions of people were out of a job, I wasn't the only one. I was faithfully looking for a job but quite simply there were no jobs to be had. In addition his complaints didn't seem very accurate. I knew how much money he made. I knew how much money I was spending on our home/kids which was very little considering I shopped around for bargains and made sure I budgeted every last penny. I received a small amount in unemployment compensation which I used to pay for my car loan, auto insurance and student loan. As far as I could tell we should be doing ok. We managed to pay our bills every month, we had a roof over our head and food in the fridge.
When I accepted the temporary assignment I decided I would save the bulk of my earnings since after 6 months I would most likely be without a job again. I also decided to try and pay down my car loan. The loan was scheduled to be paid off in April 2012. My goal was to pay it off by the end of my temporary assignment. Each month I would deposit the car payment into our joint account and H would transfer the funds to his account and make the payment. Once I had a job I decided I would make the payment myself and not bother with H. I asked him for the online account information and he seemed reluctant to give it to me. He wanted to continue with our usual payment arrangements. I did not want to. Every month it was an issue, he'd hound me about the payment and if I bought anything at all he'd question me about having the money left over for the car payment. Quite frankly he bugged the hell out of me. I stood firm and refused to budge. I was going to make the payment from then on and that was final. Eventually he agreed to give me the information BUT he said he needed me to know that I was 3 months behind on the loan. Now wait one minute! I had been giving him the car payment faithfully. Granted some months I gave him half one week and the rest the next week but I always gave him the entire amount each month. He disputed this. According to him the times I gave him the money in 2 installments did not add up to the total amount owed so he didn't make a payment that particular month. I was furious. His logic made no sense. If I truly hadn't given him the entire amount why didn't he at least apply the amount I HAD given him to the loan? What did he do with the money I gave him? He refused to give me an answer and it didn't really matter because I could tell he was lying anyway.
I logged onto the account and sure enough my car loan was 3 months behind and a repossession order had been issued. I called the loan company and made arrangements to pay the past due amount within the month. Luckily my temporary assignment paid me every week and it was enough to make a loan payment once a week until the account was current. I hung up the phone relieved that I was able to rectify the car loan situation. I decided to just forget about the money I had given H to pay towards the loan. Although it was almost 2k I knew in my heart I'd never see that money again. I told him I was going to take care of the past due balance on the loan and asked if we were behind on any of our other bills. He assured me that we weren't. Two days later his car got repossessed in the middle of the night.
I don't know why I was surprised but I have to admit I was. Even after everything H has put me through I still believe him when he tells me something. I confronted him about lying when he told me we were current on all of our bills. His excuse was that he didn't want to worry me. Oh and he said his car getting repossessed was my fault too. After all, I was the one who sat around the house doing nothing for the past year while he worked his ass off. This time I wised up, a little. I didn't bother asking him if we were past due on anything else. I took matters into my own hands and pulled a copy of both of our credit reports. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. H's credit report showed that he owed approx. $40k in credit card debt. Debt that I was not aware of. I knew about one credit card but when we married there was a balance of approx. $8k owed. Now it showed he owed approx. $20k and a payment had not been made in 9 months. As for the second credit card, I had no idea of its existence. It showed a past due balance of approx. $18k and a payment had not been made in 6 months. Although both cards were in his name only, my credit report reflected both cards and the past due balances. Upon investigation I figured out that although I was not aware of the cards, nor had I signed any paperwork for the cards or benefited from the cards since we are married and live in California all debt is considered marital debt. I was/am responsible for half of all the balances owed. Once again I confronted H and he maintained that everything was my fault. The car repossession and the debt since I had been sitting home doing nothing when I should have been working. Never mind that I was unable to find a job.
I contacted a 3 separate divorce lawyers and basically I'm responsible for half of the debt if I were to divorce. him. The courts will automatically assign half to me. One lawyer was sympathetic to my situation and said that we could subpoena the credit card statements and try to show that H was the only one using the cards. We'd be taking a chance and using up lots of billable hours getting the statements and then going over them to make a case for not being responsible for half of the debt. The retainer for her service started at $10k. The other two lawyers requested $6k and 8k respectively. Needless to say I don't have the money to hire a lawyer.
So that's where I'm at right now. I'm at least $20k in debt (assuming I'm assigned half), I don't have a job and I really can't see why I shouldn't have a stiff drink at the end of the day.
I haven't gotten to the financial part of My Story yet but let me just say things are NOT good. During the time that I was unable to find a job H complained incessantly about the financial burden of me not working. While one part of me sympathized with him the other part of me got tired of hearing him complain. Millions of people were out of a job, I wasn't the only one. I was faithfully looking for a job but quite simply there were no jobs to be had. In addition his complaints didn't seem very accurate. I knew how much money he made. I knew how much money I was spending on our home/kids which was very little considering I shopped around for bargains and made sure I budgeted every last penny. I received a small amount in unemployment compensation which I used to pay for my car loan, auto insurance and student loan. As far as I could tell we should be doing ok. We managed to pay our bills every month, we had a roof over our head and food in the fridge.
When I accepted the temporary assignment I decided I would save the bulk of my earnings since after 6 months I would most likely be without a job again. I also decided to try and pay down my car loan. The loan was scheduled to be paid off in April 2012. My goal was to pay it off by the end of my temporary assignment. Each month I would deposit the car payment into our joint account and H would transfer the funds to his account and make the payment. Once I had a job I decided I would make the payment myself and not bother with H. I asked him for the online account information and he seemed reluctant to give it to me. He wanted to continue with our usual payment arrangements. I did not want to. Every month it was an issue, he'd hound me about the payment and if I bought anything at all he'd question me about having the money left over for the car payment. Quite frankly he bugged the hell out of me. I stood firm and refused to budge. I was going to make the payment from then on and that was final. Eventually he agreed to give me the information BUT he said he needed me to know that I was 3 months behind on the loan. Now wait one minute! I had been giving him the car payment faithfully. Granted some months I gave him half one week and the rest the next week but I always gave him the entire amount each month. He disputed this. According to him the times I gave him the money in 2 installments did not add up to the total amount owed so he didn't make a payment that particular month. I was furious. His logic made no sense. If I truly hadn't given him the entire amount why didn't he at least apply the amount I HAD given him to the loan? What did he do with the money I gave him? He refused to give me an answer and it didn't really matter because I could tell he was lying anyway.
I logged onto the account and sure enough my car loan was 3 months behind and a repossession order had been issued. I called the loan company and made arrangements to pay the past due amount within the month. Luckily my temporary assignment paid me every week and it was enough to make a loan payment once a week until the account was current. I hung up the phone relieved that I was able to rectify the car loan situation. I decided to just forget about the money I had given H to pay towards the loan. Although it was almost 2k I knew in my heart I'd never see that money again. I told him I was going to take care of the past due balance on the loan and asked if we were behind on any of our other bills. He assured me that we weren't. Two days later his car got repossessed in the middle of the night.
I don't know why I was surprised but I have to admit I was. Even after everything H has put me through I still believe him when he tells me something. I confronted him about lying when he told me we were current on all of our bills. His excuse was that he didn't want to worry me. Oh and he said his car getting repossessed was my fault too. After all, I was the one who sat around the house doing nothing for the past year while he worked his ass off. This time I wised up, a little. I didn't bother asking him if we were past due on anything else. I took matters into my own hands and pulled a copy of both of our credit reports. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. H's credit report showed that he owed approx. $40k in credit card debt. Debt that I was not aware of. I knew about one credit card but when we married there was a balance of approx. $8k owed. Now it showed he owed approx. $20k and a payment had not been made in 9 months. As for the second credit card, I had no idea of its existence. It showed a past due balance of approx. $18k and a payment had not been made in 6 months. Although both cards were in his name only, my credit report reflected both cards and the past due balances. Upon investigation I figured out that although I was not aware of the cards, nor had I signed any paperwork for the cards or benefited from the cards since we are married and live in California all debt is considered marital debt. I was/am responsible for half of all the balances owed. Once again I confronted H and he maintained that everything was my fault. The car repossession and the debt since I had been sitting home doing nothing when I should have been working. Never mind that I was unable to find a job.
I contacted a 3 separate divorce lawyers and basically I'm responsible for half of the debt if I were to divorce. him. The courts will automatically assign half to me. One lawyer was sympathetic to my situation and said that we could subpoena the credit card statements and try to show that H was the only one using the cards. We'd be taking a chance and using up lots of billable hours getting the statements and then going over them to make a case for not being responsible for half of the debt. The retainer for her service started at $10k. The other two lawyers requested $6k and 8k respectively. Needless to say I don't have the money to hire a lawyer.
So that's where I'm at right now. I'm at least $20k in debt (assuming I'm assigned half), I don't have a job and I really can't see why I shouldn't have a stiff drink at the end of the day.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Hope springs eternal..
I can't believe I made it! I wanted a drink so bad earlier. The past few times the craving/obsession got this bad I gave in and drank. I even went so far as to drive to the store for something that I didn't even need. A Barbie doll. I'm serious. S was playing with one of her toy sets and only has one Barbie. She wanted me to play with her but I didn't have a Barbie. A Barbie doll of all things was the excuse I used to leave my house @8pm with the wind howling and parts of my city without power. As I was headed out the door H asked me to pick up cold medicine for him.
At the store I found a Barbie for S and then waited in line at the pharmacy counter. The medicine he wanted needs to be bought at the counter. While I waited in line I debated whether I wanted to buy a full size bottle or stop at the liquor store an get a smaller bottle. Finally it was my turn and when I tried to pay I realized that I had the wrong debit card. It was declined. I was very embarrassed. I told the pharmacist that I would be back with the correct card. As I walked out to get the correct card from my car I thought to myself, "Well surely after this embarrassing episode I DESERVE a drink" I almost laughed out loud. That line of thinking sounded absurd! I got the correct card, went back in to pay for my stuff and drove home. I spent some time playing with S before putting her to bed.
Now I'm sitting here drinking peppermint tea and I feel hopeful once again. I'll admit I had begun to lose hope and allowed myself to think that being sober was too hard and that I would never be able to do it. After tonight I don't feel that way at all. I can do this. I will do this. There's always time to make a fresh start and here is mine.
At the store I found a Barbie for S and then waited in line at the pharmacy counter. The medicine he wanted needs to be bought at the counter. While I waited in line I debated whether I wanted to buy a full size bottle or stop at the liquor store an get a smaller bottle. Finally it was my turn and when I tried to pay I realized that I had the wrong debit card. It was declined. I was very embarrassed. I told the pharmacist that I would be back with the correct card. As I walked out to get the correct card from my car I thought to myself, "Well surely after this embarrassing episode I DESERVE a drink" I almost laughed out loud. That line of thinking sounded absurd! I got the correct card, went back in to pay for my stuff and drove home. I spent some time playing with S before putting her to bed.
Now I'm sitting here drinking peppermint tea and I feel hopeful once again. I'll admit I had begun to lose hope and allowed myself to think that being sober was too hard and that I would never be able to do it. After tonight I don't feel that way at all. I can do this. I will do this. There's always time to make a fresh start and here is mine.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Whew!
I made it. I managed to stay sober. It was very hard. H invited some friends of his over to hang out and drink beer. I didn't feel comfortable leaving S here with him while I went to a meeting. Missing tonight's meeting after I had been looking forward to it increased my impulse to drink. The urge was so strong I wanted to climb the walls. It was so very uncomfortable. Finally I decided I was letting alcohol have way too much space in my mind. I needed to just get over it. I wasn't going to drink and that was that. I banished the thought from my head. I poured a tall glass of ice water an went to my bedroom to read a new magazine that arrived a few days ago. Before I knew it the craving had passed. It's gone. I don't have one single impulse or desire to drink. It's wonderful!
Friday meeting
I want a drink. I’m trying to figure out what’s triggered the obsession. Last night H went to the bar with the guys. I had hoped he would stay home so I could go to a meeting but naturally he refused. Being home alone with the kids while H goes out is one of my main triggers. I felt slightly triggered but it wasn’t bad. It was more of an annoying thought in the back of my mind. I ignored it. I carried on my evening as usual. Ordered pizza, colored with S, helped the boy with his homework. Then we watched a DVD of Halloween cartoons. Occasionally I would have ice cream as my treat/reward for not drinking but I didn’t even feel that was necessary. I was fine, I didn’t really have to struggle not to drink. Which why today’s obsession is a bit surprising although it shouldn’t be. I’m dealing with alcohol. Cunning. Baffling. Powerful.
I tried a new meeting last Friday. It was ridiculously close to my house and I met many wonderful people there. I’m looking forward to that meeting tonight. I could really use a good meeting today.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Restaurants
I had a nice time last night. I usually go to my home meeting but H offered to take the kids and I to dinner. I love going out to dinner since that means that I don’t have to cook so I jumped at the offer. I was looking forward to an evening out. That lasted about a minute. Then I remembered that I don’t drink anymore. My anxiety kicked in. Thoughts of how it used to be raced through my mind, a drink or two before leaving for the restaurant then another 3 drinks while there. I had it timed perfectly. As everyone ordered their drinks I would order my glass of wine or cosmo. I would order a second drink either when the wait person would bring us our food or come over tell us it would be coming out shortly. I would order a third drink at the point where most wait staff would ask if the food was ok or if there was anything else we needed. It was all a carefully timed act as far as I was concerned. Now the thought of going to dinner sober and staying that way throughout the meal was making me crazy. I thought of various scenarios of how I could slip in a drink. I thought about having just one drink before the restaurant but order nothing there, or not have any before the restaurant and a glass while there. I thought about throwing this whole sobriety crap out the window. I don’t have a problem. I can drink like everyone else. But wait. I do have a problem and sure I could drink like everyone else as long as everyone we are referring to are alcoholics.
I took a few deep breaths and decided to stay in the moment and take it hour by hour. I still had my commute home ahead of me. No point thinking about drinking when there was nothing I could do about it in that moment. I was stuck in traffic for pete’s sake. Then I had to pick up my son from school and help him finish his homework before we left for dinner. Then I had to give S a snack so she wasn’t too hungry at the restaurant. Once that was done I had to wash her up, change her clothes and comb her hair. Next I had to freshen myself up. I told myself I had too much to do. I didn’t have time to drink. It worked! Before I knew it H picked us up and we were off to the restaurant.
We went to the local steak/rib restaurant. There was one fleeting moment as the waitress took our drink order that I considered ordering a drink. I ignored the impulse and ordered a diet coke. When the time came to order our meal I didn’t even entertain the notion of a drink. I ordered the beef ribs with a baked potato and corn on the side. Everything was delicious. When we got home I put S to bed then took a shower and settled into bed to read for a bit. It felt good to end the evening clear headed and knowing that I stood sober, even when I thought I couldn’t. The best part is I went to sleep and had another drinking dream but for the first time ever I refused the drink! I know it’s just a dream but I woke up refreshed and feeling proud of myself. I can do this.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
It's a progressive disease...
So my drinking started to escalate after I got married. My H decided that its "wasn't right" for his wife to drink. What a hypocrite. The entire time we dated (one year) he never mentioned how he really felt. Once we got married he started spending lots of time at the bar and I was usually home alone. I realize now that he was simply trying to be the person he thought I wanted so I would marry him. He had an ulterior motive but I'll save that for another day, another post. He reverted to his usual self once we were married. Hence, stopping at the bar after work everyday, criticizing me for drinking and going out with 'the guys' on the weekends. Initially I cried, begged, pleaded, bargained to try and get him to come home at a decent hour and spend time with me but nothing changed. After a while I figured, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" I was 33 when we married and my days of going to bars and hanging out all evening were long gone. Instead I started drinking at home while cooking dinner and then a night cap or two. Fast forward 4 years. Our daughter was now 2 and my drinking had escalated. I was now up to a pint of vodka and a bottle of wine every evening. H was still coming home with beer on his breath and going out without me on the weekends and I drank to deal with the loneliness and sadness. Finally, I got tired of drowning my sorrow so I quit. This is my 2nd weekend sober and H just told me that he's going out with 'the guys' this evening. I want a drink in the worst way. I don't even really want to drink but I don't want to sit here and deal with my feelings. I'm going to try though. I'm going to take it hour by hour, minute by minute if I have to but I am not going to drink today.
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