Let me start off by giving you some background to my situation. I’ve slept alone for the past year or so. I’ve gotten used to it and I actually kind of like it. It’s nice to have a big comfy bed all to myself. Especially since when H was sleeping in the same bed as me we rarely if ever cuddled much less move onto anything physical or intimate. It’s one of the loneliest feelings to be in a marriage, in the same room/bed/house and feel all alone. It sucks. Sleeping with H had gotten to the point where I was nervous and anxious to be in the same bed as him. Heaven forbid I got too close to him or *gasp* accidentally touched him. He’s act all put out and bothered. When he eventually started sleeping on the couch every night I breathed a sigh of relief. It was exhausting to be in the same bed together but yet be so far away emotionally and mentally. Once or twice a year he’ll ‘visit’ my bed, usually after he’s been out drinking with the guys. He basically wants to be ‘serviced’ I oblige mainly because I don’t feel like getting into a discussion about why I feel his request is inappropriate and rude to me as his wife and a woman. It’s a discussion that we have had numerous times in the past and he never gets it. But then again, maybe he does and just doesn’t care about me or my feelings. Who knows? Either way it’s very infrequent and not worth fighting with him over it. I mostly just wish he’d hurry up so I can go back to sleep. Naturally after his ‘visits’ I wake up the next morning to find him back on the couch.
Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve begun to have very vivid dreams of being in love and being loved in return. I’ve had them a few times a week and in most of my dreams the man in the dream isn’t someone I can remember ever meeting. Maybe he’s my subconscious ‘dream’ man, if you will. Sometimes we make love but mostly he’s affectionate to me, tells me he loves me, treats me like I’m someone special to him. I’m ashamed to admit that sometimes these dreams are the only things that get me through the days. Although it’s just a dream I wake up content, happy and somehow feeling loved. I look forward to going to sleep every night in the hopes that I’ll have another wonderful dream about being loved. It’s even helped to keep me sober on some nights, just knowing that if I drink I won’t have one of these beautiful dreams much less remember it the next day.
Back in college my roommate was in LOVE with Luis Miguel. She used to play his cd over and over and over. I’ve never been a big fan but can appreciate his music. His voice is very seductive. Although I was mad at him for a long while after he broke Mariah’s heart and caused her to go off and lost her mind. Barefoot and broken pottery everywhere. Anyway, this song that I hadn’t heard of his much less thought of popped into mind. I leave you with this song.
