RAGE

I’m angry, annoyed, irritated, resentful, enraged, infuriated, furious, mad, provoked, hostile, outrage, vengeful, agitated, black mood, aggravated, frustrated, upset, pissed off. The anger washed over me like a tidal wave this morning. I can’t remember ever feeling this angry in my life. I want to scream and yell.  My hands are aching to hit something or better yet SOMEONE. I’m not a runner but I can see myself running with my feet pounding on the pavement, side hurting, sweating and gasping for breath. Running until all of the anger is gone. I have all of this anger inside of me that I have to get out.  I know some of you are probably wondering what took me so long to get angry and frankly I have no idea. I’ve gone through periods of being sad, scared, upset, relieved, glad, hopeful these past few weeks since separating from H. I thought I was doing a fairly good job of feeling the feelings. Going with the flow and not trying to control or ignore how I felt at any given moment….Maybe I am doing a good job. Maybe that’s why the rage has reared it’s head. I suppose it could be because now I’m ready to face the full extent of the anger and disappointment that I’ve suppressed for so long. I guess it really doesn’t matter why it’s here now. All that matters is that it’s here and I need to deal with it. If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to release some of this anger I would really appreciate it.

Trying to keep it together.

I’m feeling drained today. The kids and I had a fun weekend but it was stressful on an emotional level for me. H is trying to play some sort of mind game and it’s taking a lot of energy to simply ignore it. Last week he invited me to the basketball play-off game for Friday night. His invitation upset me on many levels. First of all we are SEPARATED. He’s made it very clear on numerous occasions that he has no interest in going anywhere with me. He’s been to quite a few sporting events the past year (as usual) and has only invited me to 1 game. That was after the time he called me stupid. Remember this post? I think it was his way of trying to smooth things over between us. Anyway he invited me to Friday’s game and I declined. I was bothered that he would invite me. He’s made it very clear on several occasions how much he hates going places with me.  Either he tells me I’m not invited or when we do go some place together he sets out to be rude, insult and humiliate me. After the last incident when he left me at the restaurant I decided to separate. I made it very clear that I have no intention of ever going anyplace with him again. I released him of any obligation to spend time with me. He is free to do what he wants, when he wants and with whom he wants. So what does he do? He decides to invite me on a date. I declined so he went on to say that he was NOT going to take no for an answer. He said I was being stubborn and acting like a stick in the mud. Great, more insults! He said he was going to continue to ask me until I agreed to go with him. I alternated between ignoring his invitation or responding with a terse No thanks. After a while he started adding ‘incentives’ he said he would get me a new iphone, a new designer purse, etc if I agreed to go with him. His offer made me very angry. How dare he think that I can be bought.  There isn’t enough money or gifts in the world to get me to go anywhere with him. I didn’t really want to get into it but I reminded him that he told me he hates going places with me and that I’m an embarrassment to him. I suggested he ask someone else instead. He looked me straight in the face and denied all of it. Every horrible, insulting thing he said to me. Denied. All. Of. It.  It’s incredible how deep his denial goes. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and refuses to accept my decision to separate. He acts as though he’s done nothing wrong and that I’m just being difficult by setting my boundaries and refusing to remain in a destructive relationship with him. At times it’s infuriating but mostly it’s just sad.

This weekend I took the kids HERE for ice cream and to check out the new pins. I try to take them once a month and H never goes with us. Naturally this time he insisted on coming with us. It was awful. He spent the entire time checking his phone and ignoring the kids and I. Having him there was worse than going without him. His energy is so negative. All he did was ruin everyone’s good time. Although to be honest S didn’t notice a thing but the boy did. I could see him watching his dad and trying to guage his mood. We usually check out the pins, have a sundae then walk around H-Wood Blvd reading the stars. Our last stop is always HERE  where we have fun matching up our hands and feet to the different imprints. This time the boy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself and after our ice cream he said he didn’t feel like walking around. I’m pretty sure the boy said that for his dad’s benefit since H looked bored the entire time we were there but I let it go. Truth be told I didn’t feel like doing our usual routine either. H being there was putting a damper on the day.

Yesterday was a little bit better. I hid out in my room most of the morning. I started to go stir crazy around 11am so I decided to take the kids to DCA. I’ve been working the past few weeks so I decided to splurge on annual passes for the kids and I. (Thank goodness I bought our passes 2 weeks ago since the prices of the passes/tickets went up yesterday. I though the price I paid for the pass was expensive. Now it’s outrageous!)  We got there by noon and had a great time. Our visits used to be focused on getting on the rides and we never paid much attention to the shows. Since we now have a pass we were able to see a show and not feel like we were missing out on the rides. Speaking of my job. This might be my last week here. I’m on assignment through an agency and it’s scheduled to end 5/24 but there’s the possibility that it could be extended. I’ll know more within the next few days. I’m hoping it will be extended because I don’t want to go back to staying at home but I’m not going to worry about it.  If it doesn’t get extended I have faith that something else will come along for me.  

Feeling good.

Thursdays have notoriously been my rough days. It's the day H always goes out with the guys and leaves me alone with the kids. I have tons of resentment about it. I dealt with that resentment by ordering in and drinking the night away. Today was different. Although the thought of alcohol entered my mind I didn't feel the obsessive compulsion that I have felt on previous Thursday's. I was able to ignore it. In the absence of the compulsion to drink I noticed I felt on edge and irritated. I didn't want to drink but I wanted to do something. I felt like I was climbing the walls. All of these possibilities came to mind. I thought about going shopping, taking the kids to get ice cream, anything just to get out. The problem was I didn't really want to do any of those things, nor did I really have the money to do them. I decided to start dinner and was looking out the window while I thought about what to make with the chicken I had defrosted. I noticed the neighbors tree is hanging over into our yard and heavy with ripe oranges. I decided to make citrus/orange marinated chicken and orange pound cake for dessert. I LOVE to cook and instantly felt better. I gathered some oranges after I set the chicken to marinate S and I sat outside and ate oranges. They were so sweet and juicy. It was such a simple joy to sit with my baby girl and eat oranges. The marinated chicken and orange pound cake we had later weren't too bad either! I'm so glad I was able to stay sober today. It feels great.

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Last night at our women’s meeting the topic was “What has AA given to you” or if you are new, like me, then the question was “What do you hope to gain from AA”  You know, I had never really given that much thought. I knew going into this that I wanted to stop drinking. I knew AA was the way to do that, although I wasn’t sure how but I have faith that it will happen as long as I don’t take that first drink and keep going to meetings. Most of the women shared what they had gained from AA, and most of the women gained stuff that I haven’t lost due to drinking. Yet. The stuff they gained ranged from a relationship with their kids, many had teens and young adult children who had witnessed their alcohol addiction and were hurt and angry about it to being grateful that they were off the streets and no longer needing 60-70 beers a day. One other newcomer shared that although her 2 older children had been taken away she came to the meeting from a court hearing where her 4 month old daughter was going to be put back in her care. All of these stories were heartbreaking to hear. As it always is when I hear some of these women share. Although they’ve achieved sobriety and are living richer, more fulfilling lives the lingering pain and sadness over their past choices and mistakes is evident in their voices. Most of what they describe is so foreign to me but yet it’s easy for me to imagine myself going down that same road eventually if I hadn’t decided to quit drinking. I think I’m learning the meaning of “take what you need and leave the rest”

So tonight is H weekly evening “out with the guys” which also happens to be one of my toughest nights to retain my sobriety. Last time I tried I fell off the wagon. I’ve been sober since but I’m worried tonight might be a repeat of last time. I still have the same old resentment towards H about leaving me home with the kids while he’s off having a great time. I’m going to try with all my might not to let it get the best of me. I don’t have to drink, I know that. As long as I don’t take that first drink I will be ok. I’m going to take it hour by hour this evening, minute by minute if I have to. I have a women’s call list and plan on using it if the temptation becomes too great. Wish me luck.