I drank.

After posting I pulled into my driveway and went into the house. I had been doing laundry before I left so I went into the garage to check on my load. That's when I remembered the open bottle of vodka H keeps in the garage. I walked right over and pulled it out. I held it in my hands and wrestled with whether or not I really wanted a drink. I did. I thought through the drink...I still wanted it. I thought about how much I want to be sober. I thought about the fact that I gave up drinking for Lent. I still wanted it. I told myself that after I finished the laundry if I still wanted it I could have ONE.

Laundry was all done, folded and put away. I still wanted it. So I had one drink. Then I had another. I thought about another but decided that a beer would be 'better' I poured myself a beer and happened to look at the time. It was almost 1am, the whole house was asleep. Hell just about everyone, everywhere was asleep. It was the middle of the night and I was drinking. I threw the beer down the drain and went to bed. This morning I threw out the rest of the vodka along with the open bottles of tequila, rum and bourbon. H is a beer drinker but he keeps those bottles for company. Those bottles, the vodka in particular, have been my downfall in the past. They have to go. H isn't going to be happy when he realizes that I threw them out. Oh well. This is my house too and I do not want them around.

Back to day one. What a drag.

The pull

I thought yesterday was rough. Today is even harder. It's the usual stuff, kids, motherhood, life. Thursdays are usually rough since H goes out with the guys and I'm left with the kids. I usually order in and have a few drinks. Tonight H came home unexpectedly. His usual plans were cancelled. I was having a rough evening and feeling the pull to drink. I was trying to distract myself by giving S and I a pedicure. She wasn't listening to me and I had to ask her repeatedly to to stop jumping around. When H walked in I was momentarilly distracted. S knocked over the nail polish remover and it spilled all over my clothes, coffee table and rug. I was livid but tried very hard to control my temper. It was an accident and in hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to leave the cap off or to give us pedicures in the living room. Since H was home I asked him to please keep S occupied for 5 minutes while I changed my clothes and composed myself. I was visibly upset and I let him know that I did not want to lose my temper with S. He agreed but somehow his idea of keeping her occupied was to reprimand her and make her cry. Subsequently he forced her to sit on the couch and repeatedly told her, "Don't cry! Stop crying!! Sit there! Don't move!" He made no effort to interact with her in a productive way. Meanwhile I was in the other room and could hear H yelling at S and felt guilty for subjecting S to H. Admittedly, I was at the end of my rope and needed a few minutes to regroup but I know how H is. I should have never left her alone with him. I opened the bedroom door, although I was half dressed, and called my baby girl over. She came running. I changed her into her pj's. By this time the obsession to drink was in full force. The pull was so strong that after I gave S cookies/milk and settled her into bed I headed out in my pj's to buy vodka. I didn't care about the time or what anyone would think of me going into a liquor store in pajamas. I took my Fire with me as a cover. If H asked what was going on I'd admit to feeling overwhelmed and needed a break. I would say I was simply going too find a quiet spot to read my Fire. Nothing more.

So here I am. I'm parked 1 block away from my house. I had every intention of driving straight to the liquor store but half way there I turned back. I've set out 3 times and turned back every single time. I don't want to drink but this addiction is trying to tell me otherwise. Making that U-turn is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm struggling so hard right now. Even as I write this I want to delete this entire post and get vodka.....I hate it but I feel so weak right now. I'm not going to give in though. I can do this.

Revenge of the OBSESSION.

I was doing pretty good today. I'm not sure what happened but I know where the urge to drink is comig from. I suppose that's a start. I picked up my kids after my class and came home to a messy house, my monthly is 3 days late and I'm very irritable. Every single thing makes me want to jump out of my skin. The dog barking, my kids requesting a snack or something to drink. My daughter asking me to put on Incredibles for the millionth time. My son excitedly wanting to discuss our upcoming weekend trip to Disneyland. The tv is too loud, the light too bright. I went to my room to decompress and the kids followed me. They wanted to snuggle with me on my bed. It's cold out so we are all in lounge wear. Perfect for snuggling but yet I want to tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE. I won't though. It's not their fault. They are just kids and on most days I welcome the requests for a snack, or the invitation to watch Incredibles for the millionth time and love snuggling with them but not today. Not right now. A drink would take all of those irritable, unkind feelings away. It'll make this moment in my life bearable. One drink won't hurt, right? I can always quit again tomorrow, right?

Wrong. A drink will only make things worse in my quest to achieve sobriety. I'm off to mix myself a big cup of cherry limeade with lots of ice. This too shall pass. Quickly I hope.

Lent

I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.

Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.

By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.

I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.

Back from Vacation

First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.

Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.

Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.

Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.

Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.

We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.

Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.

Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.

Slip

I slipped this weekend. Friday H was triggering me like crazy. Let me just give you an example of the kind of the kind of behavior I’m talking about. For starters H never answers my phone calls. He always lets it go to vm and if I leave a msg ASKING him to call me back he’ll usually call me back when he feels like it. Sometimes I send him a text asking him to call me and same thing, he’ll call me back when he feels like it. As I was driving home on Friday (my commute is about an hour each way) I was thinking about stopping to get S new shoes. My mom had bought her a dress for the baptism but she needed shoes since she’s outgrown her other dress shoes. I was going to drive 20 minutes past our house to the mall when I remembered a little shoe store on the way home. I couldn’t remember the exit on the freeway since I had only been there once and that was about a year ago. The exit for the store also happened to be the exit for H old job. Traffic wasn’t too bad and I was getting close to my anticipated exit. I called H and after one ring it went to vm. I called him back 2x hoping he would answer and tell me which exit to get off the freeway. Finally I left a msg and sent him a text. He calls back about 10 minutes later and I begin to ask him the name of the street exit when he cuts me off with impatience in his voice and told me the name of the street in a rude tone. I tried to suppress my annoyance, especially since we had just passed the exit as I answered his call. I simply asked him why he was unable to answer my call earlier. He response was to hang up on me. Mind you, this is normal interaction as far as he’s concerned. He’s told me repeatedly that he “doesn’t like to be asked questions” so when/if I ask him anything about what he’s doing or where he’s at he simply hangs up on me. If I ask him in person he ignores me and walks away. It irritates the hell out of me. It makes me feel as though I’m bothering him or asking him something really unreasonable when in reality I’m not. I know it’s his way to trying to put me in my place so I get to the point where I no longer ask him anything and most times it works. I’ve learned not to ask him anything EVER but sometimes I do, like on Friday and he always acts the same exact way. I know people have to set boundaries but how do you set a boundary about something like that? Don’t hang up on me or else? Or else what? I won’t call him anymore? I rarely do as it is. I know, I won’t ask him questions anymore! But wait, I’m his wife. I should be entitled to ask him simple questions, right? WRONG. Not according to him. It’s very frustrating. Just thinking about this is making me want a stiff drink.

Anyway, we had a couple of similar incidents over the weekend. He broke plans with me and the kids at the last minute. I was upset and let him know that I don’t appreciate it when he cancels plans at the last minute. Especially because I feel as though when it’s his family or his friends event he always has the time and money to do whatever it is but yet when it comes to my family/friends then he either has to work or suddenly we don’t have any money. So I went to the baptism on my own and I managed not to drink. I was able to sit there with my family while the beer, wine and champagne flowed freely. After a bit I decided to step outside for some fresh air. I text H to see how his day was going. I let him know about all the alcohol around me and was hoping for some encouragement. When he didn’t respond to my text I called him about an hour later and basically said the same thing on his vm. He didn’t respond and instead of focusing on ME and MY RECOVERY I started dwelling on the state of my marriage. I let all the hurt and resentment bubble up to the surface. On the way back from the baptism I stopped at the drugstore to buy Kleenex for S. Naturally that was just an excuse to stop at the store. I knew all along I was going to buy alcohol. I bought a bottle of liquor and went home to have a drink. I had 3 stiff drinks then dumped the rest of the alcohol down the drain before going to bed. I  was determined to only drink that one night so I didn’t want any alcohol in the house the next day. I woke up feeling tired and thirsty but it passed quickly. I’m not ashamed that I drank but I am sad that I drank. I want so much for things to be different but they aren’t. I know drinking will only make my situation worse but it’s difficult for me to deal with it. Especially since I’ve used alcohol to numb my feelings for the entire duration of this marriage. 

Resentment

In most of the literature I have read about recovery it states RESENTMENT is a biggie when it comes to relapses. That was the case for me on Saturday evening. I’ve always hated when H goes out and leaves me home with the kids. He always uses the excuse that “we” don’t have a babysitter but that’s not what he means. He means that “I” don’t have a babysitter since he feels comfortable using me as his babysitter. He has a son from a previous marriage who’s biological mother is not in the picture. I’m not going to get into THAT let me just say that I am the only mom he has ever known. Remember when I mentioned H having an ulterior motive for wanting to marry me? Well his son was the motive. He wanted a mother for his son and a wife for himself but he’s never wanted to be a father to his son or a husband to me. Am I angry about that? Heck yes! Resentful? You have no idea… I tried telling myself I didn’t care, that it didn’t hurt and that I would have more fun at home with the kids (which was true) but I was still angry. I felt the old familiar resentment and anger at being left home with the kids as usual. I suppose I could have called someone from my AA call list and that might take the edge off the urge to drink but I KNEW that I would still be angry and resentful. Going to a meeting was out of the question since I didn’t have a babysitter! So I made a decision. I took the easy way out. I decided to drink to numb the feelings. I did not want to ‘do the work’ and stay sober. I didn’t want to sit there with the anger and resentment eating away at me. I wanted a drink to dull the edges of hurt and disappointment. It did the job. I nursed my drink, made cookies with the kids, ordered a pizza, and watched Muppets Take Manhattan on DVD. I didn’t over do it on the alcohol, made sure to eat and drink water between drinks. I put the kids to bed at 9pm, showered and went to sleep. I didn’t wake up with a hangover. Although I was/am disappointed that I have to change my sobriety date. Now I just need to figure out a plan for the next time this happens, because I know it will. Just because I’ve decided to stop drinking and make a better life for myself and my kids doesn’t mean h is going to be any different than he’s always been. I don’t want to relapse the next time he leaves me alone with the kids….

Planning the drink.

Sobriety out the window.  Although I haven't taken a sip of alcohol yet. I'm going to. I've already poured my drink but I wanted to post this first. I knew it was over when I went to the store to buy a bottle of 7. I guess you can say I'm throwing myself off the wagon. I'm not even trying to talk myself out of the drink or using the tools I learned in AA. I'll quit again tomorrow.