6 months sober today...

Wow. I can't believe I finally found this old blog. So much has happened in the past 12 years. Where to begin? Well my issues with alcohol would be a good place to start. So I continued to drink. Wait. How about an update on my marriage situation. I left my husband in 2013. We co-parented our daughter and the boy together. My husband was very, very difficult to deal with. He refused to pay child support, made weekend exchanges of the children very hard for about 3 year. Eventually by the 4th year he began to come around and our relationship improved. He became very ill in 2017 and was diagnosed with Cancer. He was in alot of pain and having difficulty doing basic tasks around the house along with taking care of the children. I began going over to his house and helping when it was his weekend with our daughter. To make a long story short, we reconciled in late 2018.   

During this time I continued to drink. I tried moderating, did Sober October, and Dry January to PROVE that I could stop if I wanted to. I made certain rules when I moved out and it was just my daughter and I; only drink after making her dinner, or giving her a bath, or putting her to bed, not before noon on weekends, or I can drink whenever I want when she spends the weekend with her dad because I deserve it! I'm a single mom! I can drink at the laundromat because my husband is a jerk and I had to move out and now I have to save quarters and go to the laundromat! 

Anyway, you get the idea. The funny thing is with all the drinking I did I had no idea how truly awful it could get. None. I wanted to drink. I still enjoyed it. I hadn't gotten to the point where I HAD to drink. I still hadn't gotten to the point where I hated drinking but with the withdrawals, and the anxiety there was no choice. I had to drink to make those awful feelings go away. I wasn't drinking before and during work, yet. I wasn't waking up at 2, 3, 4 in the morning to drink, yet.

I was doing relatively ok with my drinking, teetering on the edge if I'm honest. With Dry January, Lent and Sober October I had a few periods of sobriety a year that seemed to help keep me in check. Then a series of events happened that threw me for a tailspin, I found out my husband hadn't paid our mortgage in 2 years and we owed about $100K. I found a note taped to our door indicating our home would be auctioned off in 2 weeks, a little later my husband had a heart attack, was hospitalized for pneumonia and we found out he has heart failure. Shortly after that my best friend died. I went on a bender that lasted about 1 year and landed me in the ER with Alcoholic Hepatitis.....and I still kept drinking. I really am 6 months sober though. I can't even believe it. I haven't been sober this long since I was pregnant with my daughter 15 years ago. Yes, she is 15 and my son is 24. When I started this blog she was 3 and my son was 12. 

 It's late here.I'll continue this tomorrow.

 

Whirlwind of emotions

I should have known it wasn’t going to last. The anger is gone and the sadness is back. It’s a soul crushing sadness and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’m sad for my kids, especially the boy. It hurts to think that when I move I can’t take him with me. I’ve asked H and he refused to consider it. Although I was angry about it, I can see that the boy staying with H is probably for the best. He’s already lost his biological mother. It would be devastating for him to feel as though his father abandoned him by letting me take him.

These past few weeks I’ve been getting the impression that the boy is angry with me about something. He’s been distant and giving me attitude, something he rarely does.  I assumed that he was having an issue with me moving out of the bedroom his father and I share. I thought that he was angry that I had made a decision about my marriage by moving into S’ room. I figured that he must have figured out that we are separating. I’ve been hesitant to address the issue with him. I know the boy is going to have a rough time with the news so I wanted H to tell his parents first and I wanted to tell the boy’s biololgical grandparents. I hoped that they would be able to help us support the boy as he processes the news and with the changes that will be coming within the next few months. H ‘hasn’t gotten around’ to telling his parents. Yeah right. He’s avoiding it. He’s real big on appearances. He always worries what everyone else thinks and now he has to go tell his ‘holier than thou’ parents that his marriage is over. I honestly feel bad for him about it. I know how his parents can be and they are going to be merciless about this. They too are going to start with the “What will people think!?” As far as I’m concerned, who cares what people think? As for me, my family is very well aware of what has been going on with us. My mom and sister were the first people I told about our separation. I’ve been somewhat patient with H because in all honesty I’m not in a big hurry to tell the boy about our separation. However, I do not feel comfortable avoiding the situation. It feels wrong. When one parent moves out of the marital bedroom something is going on and needs to be addressed. It feels like I’m lying to the boy or like I’m asking him to deny reality and pretend everything is ok by not acknowledging it. Last week he was really giving me a hard time and I decided to address the issue head on. I sat him down and asked him point blank what was going on with him. I told him that I sensed he was angry about something and that I hoped he would tell me what it was so we could talk it out. He denied it but his eyes began welling up with tears. I hugged him tight and told him that I loved him very much. I reminded him that nothing would or ever could change that. I asked him again if he wanted to talk about what was bothering him but he said he didn’t. I wanted to press him further but instead decided to respect his decision. I hugged him for a few more moments and then I told him that I was there for him whenever he was ready to talk about what was bothering him.

A few days later I had an appointment with my Reiki Master/Spiritual Advisor. We discussed what has been going on with me since our last visit. She’s very intuitive so it’s very helpful for me to talk things over with her. We spoke about a conversation I had with H a few days prior. We were invited to a family gathering that we had RSVP’d to before separating. It was a significant occasion for our family so our absence would be noticed. We decided to put a united front and go together since we hadn’t told the boy about our separation. The family event started with a church service. From the time we left the house, during the service and after the service H totally ignored me. He purposely sat separate from me during the service and after the service while everyone gathered to talk he avoided me. There was a luncheon reception after the service and the boy decided to ride with his grandparents. Once H and I were in the car I confronted him on his behavior. I told him that we had both agreed to show a united front and that I would not stand for his disrespectful and rude behavior. If he was going to continue it then he might as well take me home. I also asked him if he was upset because I did not want to be married to him anymore. He said he would hold up his part of the deal and be polite to me, he also said he wasn’t angry and that he had accepted my decision. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t going to fight me every step of the way on this. Part of me didn’t believe him but I wasn’t about to challenge him on it. We headed to the luncheon and had a decent time. I relayed the conversation to H and she sat quietly for a few minutes then said, “He was sincere at that moment. He has accepted your decision but his feelings are going to change when you move out. Just be ready for that” Then I told her of my recent difficulty with the boy. I told her what I thought he was angry about, me moving out of my marital bedroom. Immediately she said, “Nope. He see’s you aligning yourself with your daughter by moving into her room. He’s feeling left out and wants more of your attention. He thinks you love S more and is feeling unworthy. It has nothing to do with you and H. He’s a kid and kids usually turn everything into something about them.” She advised me to reassure him often of my love for him and spend some extra time with him. She said it’s time like this in a kids life where the seeds of self doubt, feeling unworthy, etc are planted. They seeds grow and by the time we are adults we have all of these issues and it’s so hard to untangle them and get to the root of the issue. When I got home I invited the boy into my bedroom to watch a movie. He used to always come and watch movies with me in my bedroom with H. I hadn’t noticed that he stopped doing that since I moved in with S. I casually mentioned that it had been a while since he came to watch a movie with me and asked him if it was because he felt weird coming in now that I was in S’ room. He said he did feel a little bit weird. I reassured him that he is always welcome with me as far as I’m concerned. Since then he’s back to his normal sweet self which makes it even harder to think about moving out and eventually divorcing. Oh, wait. Yup. It’s back. Now I’m angry again. Angry that H has put his entire family through hell these past few years without ever stopping to consider the repercussions of his actions. Even now he could care less about putting his kids emotional and mental well being ahead of his own selfish desires. All he cares about is what “other people” think he doesn’t give a rats ass about the feelings of his own wife and children. He is so fucking selfish. He makes me sick.  He needs to man up and face the music. He needs to admit that he treated his wife like shit for years and fucking ruined his marriage.

Still mad

Out of everything that H has put me through these past 5 years do you want to know what it the one thing that makes me the angriest of all? That the decision to separate was mine. HE is the one who doesn’t want to be married. When we got married I took my marriage vows seriously. My intent was to be with him until ‘death do us part’ but yet here we are and I’m the one who wants out. I hate that he has chipped away for years at my self-esteem, my sense of worth and my love for him. It’s all gone. All of it. I hate that he wasn’t man enough to be honest about the kind of person he really is. I hate that he hid his true self from me. He deceived me so I would marry him. Then once we were married he counted on the fact that I am a good woman and would honor my marriage vows. Well not anymore. I have cut all ties to him emotionally and spiritually. On our wedding anniversary a few weeks back I symbolically buried our bond of marriage. I put my wedding rings in a box and buried the box in the dirt, a grave because our marriage is DEAD. As far as I am concerned I am no longer married to him.

I hate that although I want to be married I’m making the decision to start a new life single. I sometimes wish I had never met him. The only reason I don’t honestly wish that is because of S. She is the only good thing that I have from my time with him, my beautiful baby girl. Actually there have even been days when my love for her and the joy I get from having her in my life overwhelms me to the point where I think to myself, “If I had to do it all again I wouldn’t change a thing” She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I’m still mad though.

RAGE

I’m angry, annoyed, irritated, resentful, enraged, infuriated, furious, mad, provoked, hostile, outrage, vengeful, agitated, black mood, aggravated, frustrated, upset, pissed off. The anger washed over me like a tidal wave this morning. I can’t remember ever feeling this angry in my life. I want to scream and yell.  My hands are aching to hit something or better yet SOMEONE. I’m not a runner but I can see myself running with my feet pounding on the pavement, side hurting, sweating and gasping for breath. Running until all of the anger is gone. I have all of this anger inside of me that I have to get out.  I know some of you are probably wondering what took me so long to get angry and frankly I have no idea. I’ve gone through periods of being sad, scared, upset, relieved, glad, hopeful these past few weeks since separating from H. I thought I was doing a fairly good job of feeling the feelings. Going with the flow and not trying to control or ignore how I felt at any given moment….Maybe I am doing a good job. Maybe that’s why the rage has reared it’s head. I suppose it could be because now I’m ready to face the full extent of the anger and disappointment that I’ve suppressed for so long. I guess it really doesn’t matter why it’s here now. All that matters is that it’s here and I need to deal with it. If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to release some of this anger I would really appreciate it.

Extension

So my contract has been extended until at least the end of next week. My boss is going to reassess the workflow and give me a better idea how long they need me to stay on Tuesday. Fine by me. I’m just glad I get to continue working for another week. YAY! Now I’m on my way to pick up my baby girl. I’m making chicken tostadas for dinner tonight. I can’t wait! Since the whole separation thing I haven’t been making dinner every night like I used to. Only ‘wives’ make dinner, right? I’ve been fixing simpler things for the kids and I. I don’t want to be rude and exclude H from dinner so I’ve been fixing easier stuff like sandwiches, burgers, soup, etc so I can cook enough for the kids and I. H then has the option of peeling his behind of the couch and fixing some for himself. I’ve also been ordering a lot of take-out. I usually ask H if he wants something but he always says no. He seems to be under the impression that he’s hurting me by ‘rejecting’ my offer to buy him something to eat. HAHA! Little does he know! Anyway, tonight is his regular night out with the guys. Good riddance! Since he won’t be there I’m going to make something that takes a little more preparation and effort. Have a great night everyone!