Back from Vacation

First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.

Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.

Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.

Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.

Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.

We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.

Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.

Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.

Tired of the lies

I posted a while back about slipping. I ended up taking swings of vodka from a bottle H keeps in the garage. The bottle was half full but once I was done with it there was maybe a shot or two left. The next day I was ashamed and upset about the amount I had drank. I made a mental note to replace the alcohol. I did not want H to know I had drank his vodka. The reason I say HIS vodka is because H is possessive to the point of stingy with everything. Money, food, alcohol, toiletries, you name it. It bugs him when I use HIS lotion. It took me ages to realize that he places his toiletries a certain way on his side of the bathroom sink so he can tell if I used something of his. It's ridiculous but most things are when it comes to H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.

Late night inspiration

This post spoke to me. Thank you Mr. SponsorPants


In an instant

Cherry Limeade

I haven't had a drink since New Years Day. I'm slowly inching my way towards 2 weeks of sobriety. As I mentioned before, its been very difficult for me to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks. Predictably I want a drink. No, I take that back. I do NOT want a drink. I never want to drink again but yet the obsession/compulsion to drink is there. I hate it. I had a lovely day. S and I met up with a friend of mine so our girls could have a play date. Later we went to lunch. It was nice catching up with my friend for some much needed girl talk/adult conversation. This evening is quite nice as well. H is out so it's just the kids and I. I ordered my favorite piazza for dinner and washed it down with root beer. Now we are snuggled in out pj's watching Up, our new favorite movie. But yet my mind keeps wandering to alcohol. I dont want a drink, I dont need a drink. I'm fine without alcohol but this damn obsession/compulsion simply will not leave me alone. My addiction is trying to wear me down. It wants me to think I want a drink when I know I don't. I'm not going to give in. I can do this. I'm going to mix myself some cherry limeade with lots of crushed ice. That beats alcohol any old day!

Lets get caught up.

Its been so long since I posted that I don't even know where to begin. I don't want this to get too long so I'll focus on the highlights.
1. I'm still struggling with my sobriety." I drink less often and less than I used to but I haven't been able to stay sober longer than roughly 10 days at a time.
2. I celebrated my 38th birthday with my kids and close family. H was not interested in joining us and I didn't press the issue. I wasn't angry about it, mainly embarrassed. I couldn't pretend that everything was ok with us. His absence made it obvious that things are NOT ok between us
3. New Years Eve was spent here at home. Friends came over with their kids. At midnight we counted down then popped champagne. H came over and gave me an awkward hug, no kiss. It was weird but felt "right" somehow.
4. I havent found a job yet.
5. Our vacation/cruise is coming up and I am not looking forward to it. H planned it with this other couple and he'll pretend like everything is ok between us and expect me to do the same. I'm not going to worry about it though. The cruise is geared towards kids so I know my kids and I are going to have a blast!

I've got smarts real good!

By George she's got IT!!!
I am without Internet access so I haven't posted. Ive been trying to blog on my kindle fire but couldn't figure out how. I think I got it now. I hope. Let me try to post this. If it works I'll be back with an update. Here goes nothing.

I'm stupid, didn't you know?

I hate to take a victim role. I've never seen myself as being weak or letting anyone step all over me. I can hold my own but yet in my marriage I tend to back down. Not for me. I back down for my kids. Although I think I'm setting a good example by not responding to verbal assaults with verbal assaults and by trying to take the high road. I refuse to be dragged down to any one's level. I feel as though I'm doing what's right for my kids sake but yet it doesn't feel very good. Especially when I'm trying to comfort my son by minimizing the statements/verbal assaults of his father. I worry about the message it sends to my son and later to my daughter when she's old enough to understand.

My daughter woke up crying at 3am this morning. I got her and put her into bed with me. She tried to go back to sleep but was obviously uncomfortable and in pain. I took her to urgent care at 8am when they opened. Come to find out that she had a bladder infection. If you've ever had a small child you needed to get a urine sample of, I don't need to tell you how difficult and upsetting it is. She hated the procedure and I hated subjecting her to the procedure. Once we got a positive diagnosis and picked up her prescription it was 11am. My daughter and I had been up for 7 hours. We were exhausted. Once we got home I gave her the 1st dose of antibiotics and made her soup for lunch. After lunch we settled into my bed to watch cartoons and rest. She was asleep within 10 minutes. She slept until 5pm when I woke her up. We were both feeling groggy and out of sorts. I fed her yogurt and she drank juice then decided to bake cookies. I figured warm cookies and milk would give her some comfort. H came home by 8pm. I had already fed the kids dinner and was baking the chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile I logged onto the internet so S could watch her favorite cartoon while I finished up in the kitchen.

We've had our laptop for over 4 years. There are a few keys missing, the 'control' & 'delete' and 'up' key. Today as S watched her cartoon she allegedly pushed more than one key down on the key board. That caused the 's' & '7' key to pop out. H came storming into the kitchen where I was washing dishes to yell about S and claim that she was solely responsible for ALL of the missing keys.  He said lots of not very nice things about S and my performance as a mother. I didn't take very kindly to that. I agreed with him when he said that we shouldn't leave her alone to watch cartoons on the computer. Even though I didn't leave her ALONE. H was less that 2 feet away from her. How can he suggest that I left her ALONE? We got into an argument about it and he went on to call me stupid for bringing up the fact that the laptop was old and the fact that I didn't leave her alone. At the time I was in shock and hurt that he would call me stupid. I may be lots of things but I am NOT stupid. I'll admit that I got caught up in the argument. He called me stupid and I disputed his name calling but I also told him that if his definition of stupid was standing up for my daughter and refusing to let him blame her for the entire demise of his computer than so be it. By this time I was crying. Then I noticed the boy had left the room. We were in the living room and I had just served him milk and warm cookies from the oven but he was nowhere to be found. I found him in his room, sobbing his head off. Obviously the argument had upset him. Right fully so! H has always expressed a desire for me to treat the boy as my own and I always have. How could I not love a young motherless boy who wanted a mom? I was a woman who always wanted kids. It was a match made in heaven. But yet H thinks nothing of insulting that same woman who his son has learned to love as his true mom. I'm the one who tends to him, I take care of him, I love him and I'm the one who is there for him unconditionally. I never speak ill of H. The boy is old enough to see the discrepancies between his dad's words and actions. Call me stupid or enabling but when the boy asks me about the discrepancies I never say a negative word. I'll even go so far as to say I make excuses or enable H's behavior.

So this evening when H was on a rampage about the old ass computer I tried to ignore him but it was hard. I knew without a doubt that S was not solely responsible for all of the missing keys.When I voiced my opinion it seemed to give H a renewed thrill. He called me stupid for suggesting it wasn't all S's fault. Then he went on to say that I had called him stupid, first! When I pointed out that I hadn't called him anything, merely stated my opinion he insisted that by stating my opinion I was calling him stupid. I disagreed. According to him, by disagreeing that made me ever stupider!

At that point I realized it was pointless to continue the discussion. I left the room to put the kids to bed. I came back and asked him to refrain from insulting me in front of the kids because it was very upsetting to them. He laughed in my face and suggested that we call the boy into the room. He said, "ask him what he thinks. He's going to say that he thinks you are stupid too" What a low blow. Now he's using my son to try and hurt me? There is no truth to his words but they hurt just the same.

Heavy Heart

Sorry about the absence. I've had a really rough week. I was trying to maintain my denial and did not want to blog about what I was going through because then I would have to face reality. Last week was H's birthday. The kids and I made him a cake, planned a dinner and bought him a gift. He wasn't interested in the dinner we planned so he changed the plans on us. Ok. Fine. I was bothered but I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Not for his sake but for my kids. When we got home he "wasn't in the mood for cake" so we didn't light any candles or sing for him. Honestly I couldn't care less about it but our kids were looking forward to it. Even S who is too young to understand much knows all about birthdays. When I tell her it's someone's birthday she'll sing "Happy, Happy" a few times and then end it by blowing a big gust of wind. I didn't even bother mentioning the present. I gave the kids dessert and put them to bed. The next day evening went out with "the guys" to celebrate his birthday. I ordered pizza for dinner then the kids and I watched A Muppets Christmas on tv. I thought about drinking a few times but I was so angry at H that I wouldn't entertain the notion. He's not worth drinking over.

Around 3am that night H came into our room and got into bed with me. It's been months since he slept in our bed so it woke me up and startled the hell out of me. I've gotten into the habit of sleeping in the middle of the bed so I scooted over and prepared to go back to sleep. He spooned me and started rubbing my arms and legs. I'll spare you the details but you can imagine what he wanted. I was in shock. As I've mentioned before I sleep alone every night and at best we've been intimate 2 or 3 times since 2009 and not once this year. Initially I resisted his advances. It felt unfamiliar and very strange to have his hands on me. I was tempted to ask him to get out of my bed but the truth is it felt nice. I hate myself for feeling that way and I'm ashamed to admit it but I started this blog anonymously so I could/would be honest and that is the truth. I liked him being in my bed. I know there is nothing wrong with being intimate but I hate that someone who treats me so bad could make me feel so good. What's worse is that I let him. He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near me, much less in my bed. Anyway, what struck me later about the encounter was he never told me that he loved me. That should have given me a clue.

 The experience was ok physically but empty emotionally. The next morning he cuddled with me and was acting like the old H. The one I fell in love with and agreed to marry. I was on cloud 9. I know, I'm a fool. Although I wouldn't dare admit it to myself but some part of me started thinking that things were going to get better between us. I don't know what happened to give H a change of heart but I truly wanted to believe that he had a change of heart. I never really figured out what made H change from the person I fell in love with to the man he became. Cold, bitter, mean, insensitive and indifferent towards me. It felt as though it happened overnight and I was willing to believe that the change back would be possible overnight too. We chatted about the upcoming day and I suggested we take the kids to the movies. He agreed. Shortly after that we got up and went about our day.

I was so happy, I felt loved and was positive that things would be better and continue to get better from then on. Like I said, yes I know I'm an idiot. I approached him about out movie plans and he made a face and said in an annoyed voice, "I'm watching football. You take them" Ok fine. Once again I didn't want to make a big deal about it mention that he had told me that he would join us. The kids and I headed out. When I got back I sat down next to him on the couch and attempted to tell him about the movie and wanted his input on dinner. He basically kept his eyes on the tv and ignored me. The old H was back but I REFUSED to believe it. I thought that if I explained that the change in his behavior from earlier that morning was confusing and hurtful to me  we could talk about what was going on with him. I was hoping we would have a discussion like normal, rational people and come to some sort of mutual understanding/arrangement that worked for both of us. I was hoping he'd finally be open to listening to me and attempt to understand how his actions affect me. Wrong. He refused to acknowledge any change in his behavior. I told him that after a while I get used to sleeping alone and his indifferent attitude towards me. After a while it doesn't hurt as much but when he plays these games with me all of the hurt comes flooding back. Then I have the added pain of feeling like a fool for letting him hurt me yet again. He told me that I was crazy and imagining things.

Once again, I hate to admit this because I feel like such a stupid fool but I was crushed. My heart ached. I cried off and on for the rest of the week. I was so hurt by his treatment of me. It was cruel and felt calculated. I felt as though he set out to hurt me and I let him. When am I going to learn?  I should know better by now. On an intellectual level I can see that his actions have  nothing at all to do with me. He's obviously a very disturbed/unhappy person to treat anyone like that, much less his wife. But yet it still wounds me very deeply. I'm only human.When someone cuts me I bleed.

Sorry to be such a downer on the beginning of a holiday weekend. I needed to get this out. It's been festering in my mind and heart all week. I needed to write it all down so I can purge myself of it. I really want to enjoy this weekend with my family and my kids. I used to love Christmas but haven't been feeling the Christmas spirit the past few years. I remember the anticipation and excitement of Christmas that I used to feel and I want that back. So this weekend I am going to reclaim it. I'm going to offer up my marriage and the burdens surrounding it to God and focus on all of the Peace, Hope and Love of the Christmas Season. I hope you are able to do the same.

Merry Christmas!
xo, Bien Tomada

Why I want to quit (Edited)

My family and I are going on a Disney Cruise to the Mexican Riviera. We are leaving in January and need passports. We all have passports with the exception of S. I don't have a copy of her birth certificate so I went down to the county house of records to request a copy.

As I was driving to the county house of records I started thinking of my dad. I haven't mentioned much about my parents so I would like to take this opportunity to talk about my dad. I loved him dearly. I remember him always laughing, I remember how gentle and loving he was. I remember going with him every Friday to cash his check at the liquor store. He always got a 6 pack of beer and 4 club drinks. Mai Tai's. 2 for him and 2 for my mom. She didn't like beer so he drank them all. I remember him throwing up every night. It sounded like gallons and gallons of vomit. My room was by the bathroom and I remember hearing him throw up and being so frightened by the sound. I was young so throwing up signaled that someone was "really sick". But yet I don't remember the next morning. I don't remember any mention of him throwing up or being under the weather. It was as though it never happened. I don't remember if I asked about it, if there was a discussion about it or if my parents mentioned it in an attempt too explain and reassure us. My next memory is of my dad coming to pick me up from school. I was in the 2nd grade. He picked my sister and I early from school. We headed to the county hospital where his father was in a coma. 

Now, I don't remember much of my grandfather but what I do remember was that we would see him walking along the street as we went on our business. My dad always seemed surprised to see him and would immediately stop the car to pick him up. As a young girl my perception was that he was old and smelled. My dad would drive him wherever he said he was going but I remember my dad looking sad about it. I have a vivid memory of my sisters birthday one year when we went to China Town in the city. My grandfather came because my dad wanted to include him and my grandfather brought along his best friend. His best friend was a homeless drunk, excuse me for being blunt but that's what I think of when I think about him. Even as a young girl I could see it. It's taken me many years to figure out why/how my grandfather became to be best friends with him. 

So now my grandfather is in a coma. He was found passed out on the street in the middle of a storm. He was taken to the hospital and his family was contacted. My father was grief stricken over it. He called my mom and asked her to come with him to the hospital. She was at work and felt that she couldn't leave so she suggested he take my sister and I for moral support. So he went and picked us up early from school and we went with him. I remember it felt like I was at the hospital for days, endlessly. After that I don't remember anything until the day my dad died. 

I remember that a pizza franchise had opened up near our home. It was new and geared towards family/children. My mom picked me and my sister up from school and headed to the pharmacy next to the new pizza place. She had taken my dad to the dr that morning and he was diagnosed with hepatitis. She needed to fill his prescriptions and since we were in the same parking lot of the new pizza place my sister and I begged her to let us play a few games before heading home. She reluctantly agreed and we headed to the pizza place while we waited for the prescriptions. I remember having the best time and trying to convince my mom to stay when she said it was time to leave. 

When we got home my mom opened the door and rushed to the couch. My dad was spread out on the couch bleeding from his chin, lips and nose. He also had various cuts on his arms and legs. Apparently he had gotten up to get the mail and fallen flat on his face. The cuts/scrapes were from him dragging himself back inside. Although now I KNOW it wasn't my fault, at the time and for many years after I felt responsible. If I hadn't begged my mom to stop by the pizza place my dad wouldn't have fallen. My next memory is of my mom leading us in our nightly prayers. She ended it with, "Please take care of daddy and make him better" I prayed along with her and drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that my daddy would be ok. 

I woke up in the early morning to the sound of my mom throwing up and lots of people in our house. My dad had died in the bed next to my mom. When she realized he wasn't breathing (he had been wheezing the past few weeks) she called 911. By the time they got to our house there was nothing they could do. He was gone. I don't want to say that my mom was insensitive or a bad mother but in the midst of her grief she couldn't be bothered. It was too much for her to tend to my sister and I. We  looked to her for explanations, reassurance, comfort but she was unable to give it to us. 

Whew, talk about a tangent! 

As I was driving to the courthouse it occurred to me that I had never seen my dad's death certificate. I've asked my mom what it said, the cause if death, etc but she has always said she doesn't remember. She also doesn't remember where her copy of the death certificate is. It feels as though my decision to stop drinking is intimately connected to my dad's death so I want to know what the coroner said he died from. I've thought about his death certificate before but never had a reason to head to the court house and request a copy. So since I was headed to the courthouse to request a copy of S's birth certificate  I decided to order a copy of my dad's death certificate. Since he was born before 1995 it will be delivered within 15 days via mail...

Edit to add: I posted this without reading it. I just finished reading it and want to clarify a few items. My grandfather was a homeless alcoholic. He would drift from relatives homes but for the most part he was on the streets. His wife, my grandmother, died when my father was about 8 years old. There are conflicting stories about what exactly happened to her. From what I've gathered is that she was mentally ill. I have no idea if that is true or not. I've also heard that my grandfather used to physically abuse her. She was in a relationship before the one she had with my grandfather. That marriage resulted in 4 daughters. Somehow she left that relationship and her daughters. She married my grandfather and went on to have 7 children, one a year. When my father was 8 his mothers daughters from her previous relationship 'found' her and 'forced' her to return with them to Mexico. After she left my grandfather was unable to care for his children. The girls were sent to live with an older aunt and the boys were basically left to fend for themselves. My father cried for weeks after his mother left. All of the children did. Later he heard that she had died in a horrible car accident shortly after she left. He also heard a conflicting story that she died in a fire. There is an old picture in a photo album that belongs to my parents of a unmarked grave with a simple wooden cross on it. My father was told that was where his mother was buried.

Although my grandfather was unable to properly care for his children my father was very loyal to his father.   He loved his father dearly. When his father died (the cause of his death is unknown. The family decided not to have an autopsy performed) I remember my dad telling me that he couldn't live without his father. He said he was going to die too. I don't know if I believed him or not. Exactly 5 months to the day his father died my dad died. They are buried together.

Not giving up

Things around here are the same. Nothing has changed. I'm still unemployed, H is continuing to grate on my nerves and I'm still struggling not to drink. I haven't been very successful. I've managed to stay sober for a few days at a time but then throw it all away and have a few drinks. Last weekend I went to a party at my in-laws house. There was lots of alcohol and although I was tempted I resisted. It felt wonderful ending the evening sober and it was even better waking up the next morning feeling refreshed and with a clear head. I took the kids out to breakfast then to the mall to take pictures with Santa. I had a good 24 hours then threw it all away that night. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I've also been sort of experimenting with moderation and so far it's working but the truth of the matter is that I do NOT want to drink anymore. I want to put it down and never touch it again. Although I feel as though I'm never going to be able to achieve sobriety I am not going to quit. I'm going to keep climbing back on the wagon no matter how many times I fall off.

Having a rough time.

I've had a rough couple of days. My temporary assignment/job ended so I'm back home with S. It's unbelievable how hard it is to find a job. I remember the days when I would decide I wanted a new job and within a month I'd have a new job. I've been actively looking for a job since April 2010. Finally in May 2011 I received an offer  from a temporary agency. It was for a 6 month assignment. There was no guarantee that the job would become permanent but I hoped it would. Unfortunately a permanent position did not become available so I'm out of a job.

I haven't gotten to the financial part of My Story yet but let me just say things are NOT good. During the time that I was unable to find a job H complained incessantly about the financial burden of me not working. While one part of me sympathized with him the other part of me got tired of hearing him complain. Millions of people were out of a job, I wasn't the only one. I was faithfully looking for a job but quite simply there were no jobs to be had. In addition his complaints didn't seem very accurate. I knew how much money he made. I knew how much money I was spending on our home/kids which was very little considering I shopped around for bargains and made sure I budgeted every last penny. I received a small amount in unemployment compensation which I used to pay for my car loan, auto insurance and student loan. As far as I could tell we should be doing ok. We managed to pay our bills every month, we had a roof over our head and food in the fridge.

When I accepted the temporary assignment I decided I would save the bulk of my earnings since after 6 months I would most likely be without a job again. I also decided to try and pay down my car loan. The loan was scheduled to be paid off in April 2012. My goal was to pay it off by the end of my temporary assignment. Each month I would deposit the car payment into our joint account and H would transfer the funds to his account and make the payment. Once I had a job I decided I would make the payment myself and not bother with H. I asked him for the online account information and he seemed reluctant to give it to me. He wanted to continue with our usual payment arrangements. I did not want to. Every month it was an issue, he'd hound me about the payment and if I bought anything at all he'd question me about having the money left over for the car payment. Quite frankly he bugged the hell out of me. I stood firm and refused to budge. I was going to make the payment from then on and that was final. Eventually he agreed to give me the information BUT he said he needed me to know that I was 3 months behind on the loan. Now wait one minute! I had been giving him the car payment faithfully. Granted some months I gave him half one week and the rest the next week but I always gave him the entire amount each month. He disputed this. According to him the times I gave him the money in 2 installments did not add up to the total amount owed so he didn't make a payment that particular month. I was furious. His logic made no sense. If I truly hadn't given him the entire amount why didn't he at least apply the amount I HAD given him to the loan? What did he do with the money I gave him? He refused to give me an answer and it didn't really matter because I could tell he was lying anyway.

I logged onto the account and sure enough my car loan was 3 months behind and a repossession order had been issued. I called the loan company and made arrangements to pay the past due amount within the month. Luckily my temporary assignment paid me every week and it was enough to make a loan payment once a week until the account was current. I hung up the phone relieved that I was able to rectify the car loan situation. I decided to just forget about the money I had given H to pay towards the loan. Although it was almost 2k I knew in my heart I'd never see that money again. I told him I was going to take care of the past due balance on the loan and asked if we were behind on any of our other bills. He assured me that we weren't. Two days later his car got repossessed in the middle of the night.

I don't know why I was surprised but I have to admit I was. Even after everything H has put me through I still believe him when he tells me something. I confronted him about lying when he told me we were current on all of our bills. His excuse was that he didn't want to worry me. Oh and he said his car getting repossessed was my fault too. After all, I was the one who sat around the house doing nothing for the past year while he worked his ass off. This time I wised up, a little. I didn't bother asking him if we were  past due on anything else. I took matters into my own hands and pulled a copy of both of our credit reports. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. H's credit report showed that he owed approx. $40k in credit card debt. Debt that I was not aware of. I knew about one credit card but when we married there was a balance of approx. $8k owed. Now it showed he owed approx. $20k and a payment had not been made in 9 months. As for the second credit card, I had no idea of its existence. It showed a past due balance of approx. $18k and a payment had not been made in 6 months. Although both cards were in his name only, my credit report reflected both cards and the past due balances. Upon investigation I figured out that although I was not aware of the cards, nor had I signed any paperwork for the cards or benefited from the cards since we are married and live in California all debt is considered marital debt. I was/am responsible for half of all the balances owed. Once again I confronted H and he maintained that everything was my fault. The car repossession and the debt since I had been sitting home doing nothing when I should have been working. Never mind that I was unable to find a job.

I contacted a 3 separate divorce lawyers and basically I'm responsible for half of the debt if I were to divorce. him. The courts will automatically assign half to me. One lawyer was sympathetic to my situation and said that we could subpoena the credit card statements and try to show that H was the only one using the cards. We'd be taking a chance and using up lots of billable hours getting the statements and then going over them to make a case for not being responsible for half of the debt. The retainer for her service started at $10k. The other two lawyers requested $6k and 8k respectively. Needless to say I don't have the money to hire a lawyer.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm at least $20k in debt (assuming I'm assigned half), I don't have a job and I really can't see why I shouldn't have a stiff drink at the end of the day.

Hope springs eternal..

I can't believe I made it! I wanted a drink so bad earlier. The past few times the craving/obsession got this bad I gave in and drank. I even went so far as to drive to the store for something that I didn't even need. A Barbie doll. I'm serious. S was playing with one of her toy sets and only has one Barbie. She wanted me to play with her but I didn't have a Barbie. A Barbie doll of all things was the excuse I used to leave my house @8pm with the wind howling and parts of my city without power. As I was headed out the door H asked me to pick up cold medicine for him.

At the store I found a Barbie for S and then waited in line at the pharmacy counter. The medicine he wanted needs to be bought at the counter. While I waited in line I debated whether I wanted to buy a full size bottle or stop at the liquor store an get a smaller bottle. Finally it was my turn and when I tried to pay I realized that I had the wrong debit card. It was declined. I was very embarrassed. I told the pharmacist that I would be back with the correct card. As I walked out to get the correct card from my car I thought to myself, "Well surely after this embarrassing episode I DESERVE a drink"  I almost laughed out loud. That line of thinking sounded absurd! I got the correct card, went back in to pay for my stuff and drove home. I spent some time playing with S before putting her to bed.

Now I'm sitting here drinking peppermint tea and I feel hopeful once again. I'll admit I had begun to lose hope and allowed myself to think that being sober was too hard and that I would never be able to do it. After tonight I don't feel that way at all. I can do this. I will do this. There's always time to make a fresh start and here is mine.

A new Beginning Part 4

When I found out that I was pregnant I felt so many conflicting emotions. I was in shock, I was scared and I was very happy. When H and I decided to call it quits I seriously mourned the fact that we hadn’t had a child. I felt that I was never going to find someone else and have a child.  I thought long and hard about what to do next. I wasn’t afraid of being a single mom. I knew I could do it but I worried about the financial strain and how much work it is emotionally and mentally to be a single mom. I wanted a ‘Easier, Softer Way’ Basically I decided that I wasn’t going anywhere. I felt entitled to stay and FORCE H to support me in my pregnancy. Although honestly I had no intention of repairing our marriage. I still planned on leaving. I was just going to put it off for a while. I approached H one evening with the news that I was pregnant and basically told him the divorce was off. We NEVER discussed his affair or anything in regards to his DUI. Actually, I asked him once out of curiosity if he was still seeing her and he replied with great bitterness and anger that she ‘REFUSED’ to speak or have anything to do with him. He blamed me for her decision. I don’t remember what my response was but I imagine it wasn’t very nice. Although thinking about it now, I find it amusing J

For the most part the pregnancy was uneventful. The baby was developing just fine and I immersed myself in getting the nursery ready. I paid little to no attention to H and it bothered him. For the first time in our marriage I truly did not care about him one bit. He occasionally tried to bait me into arguing but I refused. Eventually he found the right button and it was Game ON! He mentioned one day that he doubted I was carrying his child. He insisted on a paternity test before he would accept her as his own. The NERVE. He was the one who was unfaithful, not me! How dare he suggest that the child I carried wasn’t his. On one level I knew that he was just trying to hurt me but on another level it hurt and angered me to no end. How dare he!?

I decided to go ahead and allow him to have his ridiculous paternity test. I researched them and found out that although it’s possible to have one done before the baby is born it’s risky. The complications included infection, premature birth and death of the fetus. I was not willing to have the test performed. On my next visit I spoke to my ob/gyn and explained the situation to her. She was very sympathetic. She said we could have the test performed before the baby was discharged from the hospital. It would be a simple swab of her inner cheek. Insurance would not pay for it so H would be responsible to pay the fee plus the cost to have the resulted expedited.  I approached H and let him know the details of the paternity test and the expectation that he pay for it. I very firmly told him that once this test was performed and the paternity established I never, ever wanted to have that discussion with him again. My worst fear was that one day S would find out about it and be crushed. I couldn’t do that to her. Nobody deserves to feel unwanted. Especially because aside from H’s antics she was so very wanted by so many people. My mom, sister, best friends, her grandparents, everyone was looking forward to the birth of my daughter. In the end he dropped the matter. I suppose it was only worth mentioning to hurt me and not worth fighting for once I decided to give him what he wanted.

My beautiful baby girl was born on a warm summer afternoon. I fell instantly, completely in love with her. She is truly the very best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ll end this post with a reference to one of my favorite quotes, “She’s everything I never knew I ALWAYS wanted”

Thanksgiving weekend recap

Thanksgiving Recap

Wednesday 11/23/2011

S and I went to my mom’s house for dinner. Since beginning this journey of sobriety I have been avoiding my mom’s house. We ALWAYS drink together. I’ve told her my desire to quit and she is 100% supportive. I’ve asked her not to offer me any alcohol because I was not confident that I would be able to refuse. I used to spend every Friday night at her house with S. Since alcohol is always a part of our evening after I had S we decided early on that I would simply spend the night. Needless to say I haven’t been to my mom’s house in weeks and she was really starting to miss me and S. She requested that S spend the night before Thanksgiving with her so I could focus on cooking since I was having Thanksgiving at my house. The evening went well, dinner was delicious. I didn’t even think about drinking.  On my way home I stopped at the grocery store to buy a few items that I still needed. As I pull into the parking lot I know that I’m going to buy alcohol. I sat in my car and contemplated driving off. If I didn’t go in I wouldn’t buy alcohol. I called H and asked him if he would go to the store for the few items I needed. I explained my predicament and hoped that he would agree. He didn’t. Granted I could have driven off anyway and went back to the store once the obsession passed. I could have even said “oh well’ and done without the items but I didn’t. I went in and came out with alcohol. I drove home and prepared the stuffing, vegetable dish and appetizers while drinking.

Thursday 11/24/2011 Finished preparing the Thanksgiving meal while drinking.

Friday 11/25/2011 Took the kids to see The Muppets. Drank while making dinner.

Saturday 11/26/2011 Went to an evening dinner party. Drank champagne.

Sunday 11/27/2011 Took the kids to see Arthur Christmas. Resisted the urge to drink UNTIL after I put the kids to bed. Finished off the bottle.

Today. Yet another Day 1.

This is getting ridiculous.

Still lonely

I’m going through another one of my lonely, depressing phases. I’ve noticed they come after a few days of not drinking. No surprise there. I‘ve always known that I drink to avoid my feelings in regards to this marriage. What’s interesting to me is the wide range of feelings that surface. Feelings that are buried under the anger and resentment. Feelings of sadness and longing. I feel as though I have so much love to share but there is nobody to share it with. I feel almost silly complaining about it because I have a large family and circle of friends who I love deeply and who love me deeply in return but it’s not enough. When I’m feeling this way all I want to do is run far and run fast from the emptiness in my heart. The only thing that takes me away is drinking. I really want to be sober but I don’t know that I can be sober and be in this marriage.

If I had to choose I’d say that alcohol is the worse of the two. Alcoholism is progressive, alcohol will ruin my health, my relationship with my kids and the possibility of a bright future. But yet sometimes it feels like this marriage is ruining my health.  I can’t sleep, I’m on edge, I’ve clenched my teeth so hard and for so long it’s going to cost me thousands of dollars in dental work to repair. Not to mention the permanent frown lines that have appeared over the last 3 years.  My relationship with my children appears fine but what type of behavior am I modeling for them? They see a very dysfunctional relationship between H and I on a daily basis. I hate the thought of them thinking this is normal and one day being in a marriage like the one H and I have. I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I just feel like I need to get this out.  

Last night I had another dream about being in love. Once again I don’t even know who the guy was. But he loved me and it felt wonderful. The dreams also tend to resurface after a few days on not drinking and although I’m happy in my dream waking up to the reality that is my life makes my heart ache even more.

This morning as I was leaving for work H came into the bedroom to get ready for work. I’ve been meaning to speak to him about moving out of our bedroom. I think I need to set a boundary. We both ignore the fact that we no longer sleep together. Neither one of us mentions it.  I think I need to address the issue. He’s chosen to sleep on the couch every night. That’s fine but then I need him to own his actions and move into the guest bedroom. It’s too upsetting to be constantly aware that although it’s OUR bedroom I’m the only one in the bed night after night. When he entered the bedroom this morning I told him how I was feeling and asked him what he thought about moving out of our bedroom. He didn’t seem interested in the idea. I’m not going to push it. Maybe I should just do what’s best for me and move out of our bedroom. I just don’t know.  

A New Beginning Part 3

Once I had moved into H’s house he began to work late. He’d leave at 6am and wouldn’t come home until after 7:30pm and he always reeked of beer. I’d get home from work and make dinner then end up waiting hours for him. He wouldn’t answer my calls nor would he call me back. This happened repeatedly. In addition he decided that he was not interested in the weekly date night that he had promised me prior to our wedding. He would always have some sort of excuse, either he worked late (AKA stopped at the bar before coming home), was too tired or didn’t have any money. We argued about it for weeks. Finally I confronted him about it and he admitted that he only made the promise so I would marry him. He had no intention of keeping his word. When pressed he became verbally abusive. He said that he didn’t like spending time with me, much less feel like going on a date with me. The more I insisted that he keep his promise the more hurtful he became with his comments.

The same went for his habit of stopping at the bar most nights after work. I later realized that it was his usual routine before our wedding. While dating we’d see each other on Wednesday and then on Friday-Sunday. I went to the gym every Tuesday/Thursday evening and Monday night’s I had dinner with my mom. We’d talk every night but he never mentioned that he had stopped off at the bar after work. I did however notice that he would frequently appear at my house intoxicated on Wednesday and Friday evenings. I spoke to him about it, primarily because I was concerned about him driving while obviously intoxicated. He understood my concern and seemed to curb his drinking. I know now that he just got better at hiding it from me on Wednesday and Friday’s. Once we got married and were living together it became difficult for him to continue to hide it from me and I began to see through his lies about working late or only having one beer. He also began to back out on gatherings with me and my family or making me very late to the events. Naturally he was always available for gatherings HIS family planned.  It became a huge source of tension between us. I set boundary after boundary that he trampled right over. I stopped making dinner for him, I threatened to leave without him if he wasn’t ready for an event on time. Occasionally I would pick up the boy from his mom’s house (she dropped him off at school and picked him up after school) but then he would only stay out later. He had some sort of unspoken agreement that he would pick up the boy from his mom’s house by 8pm at the latest. He rarely, if ever didn’t follow that agreement with his parents. Once I realized he was taking advantage of me picking up the boy by staying out later I refused to pick up the boy. I made good on all of my threats but nothing changed. Next I tried bargaining with him. If he would come home 4 nights on time and have dinner with me and the boy as a family then he could stay out as long as he wanted on Friday. Every Friday! He agreed but continued to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Once again, the more pressed and insisted that he keep his word the more verbally abusive he became. He blamed me for his drinking, said that he drank because he hated coming home to me, because I nagged him, etc,etc. It was awful. He said every hurtful thing you could imagine. He called me hurtful names and said horrible things about me.

While all of this was happening he also began withdrawing from me physically. That’s when he started sleeping on the couch and avoiding intimacy. When I would attempt to initiate he would get angry and accuse me of being sick. He told me that there was something wrong with me for wanting to be intimate. He said I turned him off. He also began to be mentally abusive. He’s play word games with me, never be honest about what he was trying to say or what he wanted. Later he’d say I was a bad wife because I wouldn’t read his mind. He told me one day that he shouldn’t have to tell me what he wanted. He insisted that I should know what he wanted and just do it. He said that was what a ‘good wife’ did. He’s also alternated between ridiculing me and ignoring me. One day after he treated me poorly in front of my family I confronted him on it. He broke down in tears and sobbed that everything was my fault. He was angry at me because I allowed my family to come over and the house wasn’t immaculate. According to him I had embarrassed him. Granted the house wasn’t as clean as I would have liked but never the less. This was my family. I’m secure in their love and acceptance of me. They couldn’t care less about the state of my house. It was a scorching hot day and I invited them over to swim in our pool on a whim.

During this time I kept trying and trying to make our marriage better. He refused couples counseling so I saw 3 separate therapists on 3 separate occasions. Each series of sessions came to the same conclusion, either I accept H for how he was and learn to detach from the hurtful comments or I leave him. I didn’t like either option so I’d find another therapist only to come to the exact same conclusion. Finally in October 2008 I decided that I had enough. We were barely on speaking terms, he was sleeping on the couch most of the time, we never went out or did anything together as a couple. He was still stopping at the bar after work and going out most nights on the weekend. I approached him about getting a divorce. I told him that I did not want anything financially from him and that I was willing to accept all responsibility for the demise of our marriage. He agreed. We talked it over and decided to make our split as amicable as possible. A few days later we shared one last intimate evening together. We hadn’t been intimate or shared a bed in months. He had gone out that night and came home very late. He was intoxicated and on one level I didn’t think we should be doing anything but on another level I was starved for affection and feeling very vulnerable. The next morning I suggested that he move permanently into our guest room and he agreed.

I was scheduled to go on a business trip in the middle of October. I had asked H to give me a ride to the airport and he agreed. He had moved into the guest room and things had been ok between us. I was very relieved that things would be over soon and I could go on with my life. The morning of my trip H failed to come home. I didn’t realize it until 3:30am when I got up to get ready for my trip. I needed to be at  the airport by 5am. I called his cell repeatedly but he never answered. Finally I loaded up my car and raced to the airport. Since I was expecting to be dropped off I hadn’t anticipated the additional time needed to drive myself, park in a lot then take a tram into the terminal. I barely made my flight. As soon as I stepped on the plane they closed the door and we began to back away from the gate. Once I was on the flight I started to get worried about H. I wondered if he had been in an accident, arrested or worse. I stressed about him the entire flight, which was about 5 hours. I was going across the country. Once we landed I turned my phone on and there were numerous messages from H’s mom. She was frantic with worry. H had arranged for the boy to spend the night with her because of my early flight. He was supposed to pick up the boy by 8am for soccer practice. He never showed up. By this time it was almost 10am. I didn’t know what to tell his mom. There was nothing I could tell her. I had no idea where her son was. She asked a million questions and part of me wanted to cover for her son but eventually I told her the truth. That he never came home. I told her my plane had just landed and I would call her back. I remember feeling so helpless. Here I was across the country and my husband was nowhere to be found. I remember feeling guilty. I kept thinking what if something horrible had happened to him? What kind of wife was I to hop on a plane without a care in the world?

I sat down in the terminal and got my bearings. First I called my mom. I told her what was going on and that his mom had called me frantic. She gave the details to my cousin who immediately called his wife who happened to work for the local Sheriff’s department. BINGO. My mom correctly suspected that he had gotten picked up for a DUI. As she was giving me the details of his dui H called on my other line. I clicked over and he told me pretty much what I already knew. I told him to call his mom. He refused. He hadn’t called me to let me know he was ok. He called me because he wanted me to call her with this made up story about why he hadn’t picked up his son. He wanted me to lie to his mom for him. I refused. He got very angry and started calling me all sorts of horrible names. I hung up on him and went back to the call with my mom. I told her what he had asked me to do and decided that I would call her and tell her the truth. My mom persuaded me to simply call her back to let her know I had heard from him and that any questions she has need to be directed at him. My mom didn’t want his mother to continue to worry needlessly about her son. She also did not want me to get in the middle of the situation by either lying for H or telling his mom the truth. My mom was worried about H and his anger towards me if I told his mom what really happened. His mom begged and begged me to tell her what happened. She kept saying that that he never tells her anything and that he never lets he know what’s going on with him. I wanted to tell her but I decided it was best to take my mom’s advice.  All I would tell her is that he was fine and would get in contact with her at some point but I had no idea when. After we spoke I claimed my luggage and took a cab to the hotel.

The details of the arrest indicated he was arrested at 2:30am, 30 miles away from our house and on the freeway headed even further away from our home. As far as I knew we didn’t know anyone who lived out that way and further why was he driving in the opposite direction of our house? I’m sure you can see where this is leading. After investigating a few avenues I found my answer. My investigations revealed a girl’s name and phone number. He had been cheating on me and was headed to his girlfriends house. I called her up and she was actually pretty nice. I think most of it had to do with how I approached the situation. I explained who I was and why I was calling her. I let her know that the only reason I called her was for answers since my H was a liar and couldn’t be trusted. I wasn’t angry at her. I was angry at H for betraying me. I asked if she knew he was married and she said she did. I also asked her if she knew that we were having problems and that I had asked him for a divorce. This was news to her. She had no idea. I wanted to ask her why she thought he would cheat on me “if everything was fine” but decided not to bother. She sounded very young so I asked her age. She was 21. H was 34. She also asked me a few questions, namely if I was going to tell him that she spoke to me and if I was going to try and get her fired since they worked together. I told her no on both counts. I was done speaking to him. It also wouldn’t serve any purpose to get either one of them fired. She could keep her job as far as I was concerned. I thanked her for talking to me and hung up.

I didn’t speak to H for the remainder of my trip. He called a few times, evidently the girl had told him about our conversation. I don’t know what he wanted to say. I ignored his calls. I finished my seminar and flew home. Once I got back I busied myself looking for a place ASAP and avoided H. I would leave for work after H and come home after he had gone to sleep. I wanted to be out by November 1 which gave me a little over a week to find a place. I decided it would be easier to find someone who was renting a room as opposed to an apartment. I found a place not far from where my old apartment had been. A single woman living with her 12 year old daughter had a room for rent. The rent was affordable and she seemed nice on the phone. We made plans to meet the next day after I got out of work. After our conversation I went to lunch. I had a headache that wouldn’t go away so I decided to stop for some headache medicine. As I was browsing the aisles I came upon the feminine protection aisle. I began to wonder if my headache was caused by pms. I looked at my calendar for the date and realized I was overdue for my monthly. Then I thought about that one night back in early October with H. We had used protection but still. I’m usually right on time. This time I was 2 weeks late. Yup, you know what’s coming next. I was pregnant.  

Sober Saturday

I feel tired and drained but I'm sober and that's what is most important to me. These past 2 days have been very difficult with H. I hate to admit it but I think it has everything to do with my recent "compassion" towards him. I've been trying to be more engaging towards him but he continues to respond in his usual, mean, insensitive way. Yesterday I managed to brush off his attitude but today I wasn't able to. We ended up getting into a big argument in a department store and in front of the kids. I don't care too much about arguing in public but I hate that we argued in front of the kids. I wish we wouldn't have but there's only so many times that I can bite my tongue and brush him off. I also think about the message that it sends to our kids. I hate to fight in front of them but I hate to think of the message that they get when I don't stand up for myself and let their father walk all over me. Neither situation is healthy or ideal.

I thought about drinking alot today after arguing with H. I even went to the drug store with the intention of buying alcohol. I didn't though. I walked down every aisle and managed to walk out with only dish soap and contact solution. Before bedtime this evening S was asking for cookies and milk. I like to buy the refrigerated cookie dough and bake a few as a treat for the kids occasionally before putting them to bed. We had run out of dough and I decided to run out and buy more. The thought of buying alcohol while I was out crossed my mind. Before I would have bought a bottle of wine to drink while the cookies baked or a small bottle of alcohol at the liquor store and drank it before coming home if I was hiding my drinking that particular night. I wasn't tempted to do either this evening. The thought remained just that, a thought. That made me feel good. I came home with a package of cookie dough and bacon to go with breakfast tomorrow.

Now I'm going to climb into bed and read before going to sleep. Stay sober my friends.

Sit with the feelings.

Hey there, I made it into work early this morning. I usually start at 7:30 but I work in a downtown area and there is going to be a big protest starting at 7:00. We were advised to come in early to avoid the traffic and street closures. Fine by me. H agreed to drop S off at daycare later this morning. It was so NICE to get up and only be responsible for myself this morning. I didn’t have to bother running to the car to start the engine and get the heater going, running back inside and waking up S. She usually likes to cuddle for a few minutes before she’ll cooperate and let me bundle her up so we can head out. Then we get into the car and settle in for a 30 minute drive. About 10 minutes before we get to daycare I start talking to her about the day. I remind her she’s getting dropped off at daycare, I’m going to work. I tell her to have a fun time playing with the kids and that I’ll be back for her after work. I pull into daycare, walk her in, say hi to the daycare provider, hug and kiss my cousin’s daughter who is at the same daycare. She’s a little older than S, she’s 4. Her mother (my cousin) had a stroke during delivery and has been paralyzed ever since. My cousin’s daughter (let’s call her Star) lives here in town with her grandparents. Her mom is in a convalescent home in Utah. Her dad isn’t in the picture. Star always seems to go out of her way please me. She paints me pictures, gives me little plastic jewels and trinkets, makes me bracelets. I know my aunt and uncle are good to her but I can see that she misses her mom. It just breaks my heart. After spending a few minutes with Star and S I give them both a big hug and a kiss. Then both girls run to the window to wave good bye to me. I hop in my car and drive another 20-30 minutes depending on traffic to my job. I park on the 10^th floor of the parking garage, take the elevator down and then walk 3 blocks to my office. I show my access badge to security so I can get into the elevator bank. I take an elevator up to the 38^th floor, walk to the exact opposite side of the building and finally have a seat at my desk. Wow, I never really thought about how much I do every morning before getting to work. It takes me about an hour to an hour and a half between the time I leave my house and arrive here at work. Anyway, I guess I more than made my point. It was nice to just head out the door this morning. My commute took me 25 minutes. I would have taken 20 but I drove around in circles once I got off the freeway since some of the streets had already been closed and I’m not very familiar with all of the one way streets. I kept trying to head the wrong direction. I made it to work on time though J

Ok, now let’s get to what I really wanted to talk about. As I was driving home last night I was suddenly struck with the thought, “This must be very hard on H also” I had been going over in my head all of the ways that I’ve pretty much detached from him and our marriage. I basically live my life as a single mom. I go to work, make dinner and tend to my kids in the evening. I put them to bed and spend the rest of the evening alone. I sleep alone. I wake up alone and pass by H sleeping on the couch on my way out the door. I rarely, if ever ask him for anything nor do I expect anything from him. Sometimes I forget that he can’t be relied upon and ask him to join me somewhere, like my moms b-day dinner, but it always ends up the same. He doesn’t do what he said he would do. I should know better by now but like they say Hope Springs Eternal or  was it, There’s one born every minute? Seriously though, as I thought about the reality of our situation I started to cry. It struck me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried specifically over him and our marriage. Sure I’ve cried because I was lonely, sad, overwhelmed, angry even but I couldn’t remember the last time my heart ached for him. For us. I thought back and was able to remember the last time I cried. Well almost cried to be honest. It was October 2008. Things had continued to deteriorate between us since we married in 2007. I was fed up and so very tired of trying to make things work. I approached him one day and asked him what he thought about us divorcing. I remember giving him this big speech about us making a mistake, that he could blame it all on me if it made him feel better (looking back I can’t believe I was willing to do that just so he could save face!), that I didn’t want nor expect anything from him. I simply wanted a divorce so I could move on with my life. He never said one word as I was speaking, when I was done he looked at me and said, OK. I remember feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I felt free. I suddenly felt like things would be ok. I would be ok. For the next few days my emotions ranged from feeling free and excited about my future to being very sad and angry that no matter what I had tried I wasn’t able to make my marriage work. Since my mom had been the most vocal about her feelings that I should not divorce I decided I had better go over to her house and tell her in person. I went over one day after work and told her what H and I had decided. I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be but I thought I had a pretty good idea. Turns out I had no idea. She hugged me in her arms and said, “It’s ok. I know you tried. I’m here for you no matter what” I was so relieved. We hugged for a few more minutes in silence and then she said, “I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out” That’s when I started to cry. I tried to hold it in. My mom hugged me tighter and said, “Go ahead and cry. It’s ok to cry” I pulled back from her hug, took a deep breath and said, “No. I’m not going to cry. I’ve cried enough over him and our marriage. I’m done crying” I kept my word. I haven’t cried over him or our marriage since then. Until yesterday. It’s weird how that incident had slipped from my mind but it was still there. Buried beneath my anger, resentment and alcohol. 

Last night I planned on going to a 12/12 book study but once I got home I physically, mentally and emotionally worn out.  I was tired, hungry and my make up was a mess. I’m an avid reader and my K-reader is my constant companion. I had pre-ordered the K-reader F/re and it had arrived a day early. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and play with my new toy. Instead I decided to attend my book study as planned. At the book study we read through Step 8. This part jumped up at me:

~We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have “harmed” other people. What kinds of “harm” do people do one another, anyway? To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people……………..Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others. What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others—the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable could be extended almost indefinitely.~

It spoke straight to my heart about the way that I’ve been treating H. I always put emphasis on what he’s done to hurt me but I rarely if ever look closely at what I do to hurt him. Sure I could say that all I’m doing is being a good wife/mother but the truth is I try to hurt him by doing everything without him and better than him. It’s unspoken but it’s there. I never say one word about him sleeping on the couch. I’ll admit to myself that I’m lonely but never to him. I hurts my feelings but I refuse to acknowledge it. Especially to him. I must say it was a huge eye opener. I’ve heard people say that when you are feeling down and don’t want to go to a meeting is when you need to go the most. Often you end up hearing just what you needed to hear at the meeting. That statement was very true for me last night. After the meeting I spoke to a friend and confided what I had been feeling and what the book study helped me to see. I still felt anger and resentment but the unexpected compassion for H was unsettling. I didn’t know what to do with it. I almost didn’t want to feel that way towards him. She hugged me and said, “The compassion you feel is there because being that way towards him or anyone else is not who you truly are. You aren’t mean and vindictive. You are a compassionate woman and there is nothing wrong with that.” I got what she was saying but still didn’t know what to do with these feelings of compassion for H. I asked her if she thought I should go home and apologize for the past 2 years. She laughed gently and said, “Don’t do anything. Sit with the feelings. Simply feel them. You don’t have to act on every emotion you feel” 

Well ok. I’m sitting here and the compassion is still there. Thinking about the past 2 years and how I’ve treated H hurts. My heart aches for the pain I caused him. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling this way. I’m supposed to be the injured party here, the one who was hurt and put upon. While it’s true that I was hurt and put upon its also true that I inflicted my fair share of hurt on him too. What a predicament. I guess I’ll just stay with the feelings until it passes. I don’t like it but I can live with it. I have to keep reminding myself, When we know better we are able to do better. I’m starting to know better and hopefully one day I will be able to do better.

Another slip

I drank Thursday, Friday, Saturday and yesterday. I can’t even tell you why I drank. Oh wait, that’s right. I’m an alcoholic. I could make excuses by saying that I didn’t drink that much, although admittedly it was MORE than I wanted to drink since I decided a few weeks ago that I no longer wanted to drink. I was done drinking. At least I thought I was. I could also blame it on H. He had been playing his usual mind games over the past week such as ignoring my calls, showing up hours later than expected, refusing to tell me where he was, promising to meet me at a very important family gathering (my sister and I were throwing a dinner party for my mom’s birthday) then sending me a text hours later that said, “I decided not to go but you probably figured that out by now” Actually I hadn’t figured that out. I once again believed that he would do what he said he would do. It’s stupid really. I didn’t even really enjoy drinking. I was angry and hurt at H for his behavior the past week so I went out deliberately and bought a small bottle of whiskey. Friday I bought a bottle of wine and had 2 glasses. Saturday I volunteered to stop by the store and pick up the few items that were still needed for the dinner party. I went straight to the liquor aisle and got a big bottle of whiskey. As I walked around the store getting the various items I needed I kept thinking to myself, “You don’t have to buy that bottle of whiskey. You don’t have to drink.” I knew I would have a perfectly fine time without alcohol but I was upset at H for not showing up and therefore determined to drink. I bought the whiskey and had 3 drinks. Sunday we went to brunch and although my sister and aunt ordered margarita’s I was fine with my d.coke. I think that’s when I began to fool myself into thinking that I can handle drinking in moderation. Yesterday I decided to have the last 2 glasses of wine that was left over from Friday night. After I finished the wine off I went into the garage to check the laundry *wink*wink* where H keeps the alcohol and started taking pulls of vodka. I woke up feeling disgusted and disappointed in myself. Naturally my addiction is dancing a jig right now and trying to persuade me to put off my sobriety until the New Year. Fresh start and all that. I’m not going to give in. Today is Day 1.

Cleaning

Tomorrow is a bank holiday and I usually try to get all of my Christmas shopping done so I left the kids for the night with my in-laws. H is out at some sporting event. I'm all alone and have no idea what to do with myself. I thought about cleaning but I used to use cleaning as an excuse to drink. You know, I'm doing something that I hate so I deserve this drink mentality. I don't feel like cleaning but for some reason I could still go for that drink. I'm going to shower, watch a movie on demand and try not to think about drinking.  Wish me luck.