A new Beginning Part 4

When I found out that I was pregnant I felt so many conflicting emotions. I was in shock, I was scared and I was very happy. When H and I decided to call it quits I seriously mourned the fact that we hadn’t had a child. I felt that I was never going to find someone else and have a child.  I thought long and hard about what to do next. I wasn’t afraid of being a single mom. I knew I could do it but I worried about the financial strain and how much work it is emotionally and mentally to be a single mom. I wanted a ‘Easier, Softer Way’ Basically I decided that I wasn’t going anywhere. I felt entitled to stay and FORCE H to support me in my pregnancy. Although honestly I had no intention of repairing our marriage. I still planned on leaving. I was just going to put it off for a while. I approached H one evening with the news that I was pregnant and basically told him the divorce was off. We NEVER discussed his affair or anything in regards to his DUI. Actually, I asked him once out of curiosity if he was still seeing her and he replied with great bitterness and anger that she ‘REFUSED’ to speak or have anything to do with him. He blamed me for her decision. I don’t remember what my response was but I imagine it wasn’t very nice. Although thinking about it now, I find it amusing J

For the most part the pregnancy was uneventful. The baby was developing just fine and I immersed myself in getting the nursery ready. I paid little to no attention to H and it bothered him. For the first time in our marriage I truly did not care about him one bit. He occasionally tried to bait me into arguing but I refused. Eventually he found the right button and it was Game ON! He mentioned one day that he doubted I was carrying his child. He insisted on a paternity test before he would accept her as his own. The NERVE. He was the one who was unfaithful, not me! How dare he suggest that the child I carried wasn’t his. On one level I knew that he was just trying to hurt me but on another level it hurt and angered me to no end. How dare he!?

I decided to go ahead and allow him to have his ridiculous paternity test. I researched them and found out that although it’s possible to have one done before the baby is born it’s risky. The complications included infection, premature birth and death of the fetus. I was not willing to have the test performed. On my next visit I spoke to my ob/gyn and explained the situation to her. She was very sympathetic. She said we could have the test performed before the baby was discharged from the hospital. It would be a simple swab of her inner cheek. Insurance would not pay for it so H would be responsible to pay the fee plus the cost to have the resulted expedited.  I approached H and let him know the details of the paternity test and the expectation that he pay for it. I very firmly told him that once this test was performed and the paternity established I never, ever wanted to have that discussion with him again. My worst fear was that one day S would find out about it and be crushed. I couldn’t do that to her. Nobody deserves to feel unwanted. Especially because aside from H’s antics she was so very wanted by so many people. My mom, sister, best friends, her grandparents, everyone was looking forward to the birth of my daughter. In the end he dropped the matter. I suppose it was only worth mentioning to hurt me and not worth fighting for once I decided to give him what he wanted.

My beautiful baby girl was born on a warm summer afternoon. I fell instantly, completely in love with her. She is truly the very best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ll end this post with a reference to one of my favorite quotes, “She’s everything I never knew I ALWAYS wanted”

Thanksgiving weekend recap

Thanksgiving Recap

Wednesday 11/23/2011

S and I went to my mom’s house for dinner. Since beginning this journey of sobriety I have been avoiding my mom’s house. We ALWAYS drink together. I’ve told her my desire to quit and she is 100% supportive. I’ve asked her not to offer me any alcohol because I was not confident that I would be able to refuse. I used to spend every Friday night at her house with S. Since alcohol is always a part of our evening after I had S we decided early on that I would simply spend the night. Needless to say I haven’t been to my mom’s house in weeks and she was really starting to miss me and S. She requested that S spend the night before Thanksgiving with her so I could focus on cooking since I was having Thanksgiving at my house. The evening went well, dinner was delicious. I didn’t even think about drinking.  On my way home I stopped at the grocery store to buy a few items that I still needed. As I pull into the parking lot I know that I’m going to buy alcohol. I sat in my car and contemplated driving off. If I didn’t go in I wouldn’t buy alcohol. I called H and asked him if he would go to the store for the few items I needed. I explained my predicament and hoped that he would agree. He didn’t. Granted I could have driven off anyway and went back to the store once the obsession passed. I could have even said “oh well’ and done without the items but I didn’t. I went in and came out with alcohol. I drove home and prepared the stuffing, vegetable dish and appetizers while drinking.

Thursday 11/24/2011 Finished preparing the Thanksgiving meal while drinking.

Friday 11/25/2011 Took the kids to see The Muppets. Drank while making dinner.

Saturday 11/26/2011 Went to an evening dinner party. Drank champagne.

Sunday 11/27/2011 Took the kids to see Arthur Christmas. Resisted the urge to drink UNTIL after I put the kids to bed. Finished off the bottle.

Today. Yet another Day 1.

This is getting ridiculous.

Still lonely

I’m going through another one of my lonely, depressing phases. I’ve noticed they come after a few days of not drinking. No surprise there. I‘ve always known that I drink to avoid my feelings in regards to this marriage. What’s interesting to me is the wide range of feelings that surface. Feelings that are buried under the anger and resentment. Feelings of sadness and longing. I feel as though I have so much love to share but there is nobody to share it with. I feel almost silly complaining about it because I have a large family and circle of friends who I love deeply and who love me deeply in return but it’s not enough. When I’m feeling this way all I want to do is run far and run fast from the emptiness in my heart. The only thing that takes me away is drinking. I really want to be sober but I don’t know that I can be sober and be in this marriage.

If I had to choose I’d say that alcohol is the worse of the two. Alcoholism is progressive, alcohol will ruin my health, my relationship with my kids and the possibility of a bright future. But yet sometimes it feels like this marriage is ruining my health.  I can’t sleep, I’m on edge, I’ve clenched my teeth so hard and for so long it’s going to cost me thousands of dollars in dental work to repair. Not to mention the permanent frown lines that have appeared over the last 3 years.  My relationship with my children appears fine but what type of behavior am I modeling for them? They see a very dysfunctional relationship between H and I on a daily basis. I hate the thought of them thinking this is normal and one day being in a marriage like the one H and I have. I don’t even know where I’m going with this post. I just feel like I need to get this out.  

Last night I had another dream about being in love. Once again I don’t even know who the guy was. But he loved me and it felt wonderful. The dreams also tend to resurface after a few days on not drinking and although I’m happy in my dream waking up to the reality that is my life makes my heart ache even more.

This morning as I was leaving for work H came into the bedroom to get ready for work. I’ve been meaning to speak to him about moving out of our bedroom. I think I need to set a boundary. We both ignore the fact that we no longer sleep together. Neither one of us mentions it.  I think I need to address the issue. He’s chosen to sleep on the couch every night. That’s fine but then I need him to own his actions and move into the guest bedroom. It’s too upsetting to be constantly aware that although it’s OUR bedroom I’m the only one in the bed night after night. When he entered the bedroom this morning I told him how I was feeling and asked him what he thought about moving out of our bedroom. He didn’t seem interested in the idea. I’m not going to push it. Maybe I should just do what’s best for me and move out of our bedroom. I just don’t know.  

A New Beginning Part 3

Once I had moved into H’s house he began to work late. He’d leave at 6am and wouldn’t come home until after 7:30pm and he always reeked of beer. I’d get home from work and make dinner then end up waiting hours for him. He wouldn’t answer my calls nor would he call me back. This happened repeatedly. In addition he decided that he was not interested in the weekly date night that he had promised me prior to our wedding. He would always have some sort of excuse, either he worked late (AKA stopped at the bar before coming home), was too tired or didn’t have any money. We argued about it for weeks. Finally I confronted him about it and he admitted that he only made the promise so I would marry him. He had no intention of keeping his word. When pressed he became verbally abusive. He said that he didn’t like spending time with me, much less feel like going on a date with me. The more I insisted that he keep his promise the more hurtful he became with his comments.

The same went for his habit of stopping at the bar most nights after work. I later realized that it was his usual routine before our wedding. While dating we’d see each other on Wednesday and then on Friday-Sunday. I went to the gym every Tuesday/Thursday evening and Monday night’s I had dinner with my mom. We’d talk every night but he never mentioned that he had stopped off at the bar after work. I did however notice that he would frequently appear at my house intoxicated on Wednesday and Friday evenings. I spoke to him about it, primarily because I was concerned about him driving while obviously intoxicated. He understood my concern and seemed to curb his drinking. I know now that he just got better at hiding it from me on Wednesday and Friday’s. Once we got married and were living together it became difficult for him to continue to hide it from me and I began to see through his lies about working late or only having one beer. He also began to back out on gatherings with me and my family or making me very late to the events. Naturally he was always available for gatherings HIS family planned.  It became a huge source of tension between us. I set boundary after boundary that he trampled right over. I stopped making dinner for him, I threatened to leave without him if he wasn’t ready for an event on time. Occasionally I would pick up the boy from his mom’s house (she dropped him off at school and picked him up after school) but then he would only stay out later. He had some sort of unspoken agreement that he would pick up the boy from his mom’s house by 8pm at the latest. He rarely, if ever didn’t follow that agreement with his parents. Once I realized he was taking advantage of me picking up the boy by staying out later I refused to pick up the boy. I made good on all of my threats but nothing changed. Next I tried bargaining with him. If he would come home 4 nights on time and have dinner with me and the boy as a family then he could stay out as long as he wanted on Friday. Every Friday! He agreed but continued to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Once again, the more pressed and insisted that he keep his word the more verbally abusive he became. He blamed me for his drinking, said that he drank because he hated coming home to me, because I nagged him, etc,etc. It was awful. He said every hurtful thing you could imagine. He called me hurtful names and said horrible things about me.

While all of this was happening he also began withdrawing from me physically. That’s when he started sleeping on the couch and avoiding intimacy. When I would attempt to initiate he would get angry and accuse me of being sick. He told me that there was something wrong with me for wanting to be intimate. He said I turned him off. He also began to be mentally abusive. He’s play word games with me, never be honest about what he was trying to say or what he wanted. Later he’d say I was a bad wife because I wouldn’t read his mind. He told me one day that he shouldn’t have to tell me what he wanted. He insisted that I should know what he wanted and just do it. He said that was what a ‘good wife’ did. He’s also alternated between ridiculing me and ignoring me. One day after he treated me poorly in front of my family I confronted him on it. He broke down in tears and sobbed that everything was my fault. He was angry at me because I allowed my family to come over and the house wasn’t immaculate. According to him I had embarrassed him. Granted the house wasn’t as clean as I would have liked but never the less. This was my family. I’m secure in their love and acceptance of me. They couldn’t care less about the state of my house. It was a scorching hot day and I invited them over to swim in our pool on a whim.

During this time I kept trying and trying to make our marriage better. He refused couples counseling so I saw 3 separate therapists on 3 separate occasions. Each series of sessions came to the same conclusion, either I accept H for how he was and learn to detach from the hurtful comments or I leave him. I didn’t like either option so I’d find another therapist only to come to the exact same conclusion. Finally in October 2008 I decided that I had enough. We were barely on speaking terms, he was sleeping on the couch most of the time, we never went out or did anything together as a couple. He was still stopping at the bar after work and going out most nights on the weekend. I approached him about getting a divorce. I told him that I did not want anything financially from him and that I was willing to accept all responsibility for the demise of our marriage. He agreed. We talked it over and decided to make our split as amicable as possible. A few days later we shared one last intimate evening together. We hadn’t been intimate or shared a bed in months. He had gone out that night and came home very late. He was intoxicated and on one level I didn’t think we should be doing anything but on another level I was starved for affection and feeling very vulnerable. The next morning I suggested that he move permanently into our guest room and he agreed.

I was scheduled to go on a business trip in the middle of October. I had asked H to give me a ride to the airport and he agreed. He had moved into the guest room and things had been ok between us. I was very relieved that things would be over soon and I could go on with my life. The morning of my trip H failed to come home. I didn’t realize it until 3:30am when I got up to get ready for my trip. I needed to be at  the airport by 5am. I called his cell repeatedly but he never answered. Finally I loaded up my car and raced to the airport. Since I was expecting to be dropped off I hadn’t anticipated the additional time needed to drive myself, park in a lot then take a tram into the terminal. I barely made my flight. As soon as I stepped on the plane they closed the door and we began to back away from the gate. Once I was on the flight I started to get worried about H. I wondered if he had been in an accident, arrested or worse. I stressed about him the entire flight, which was about 5 hours. I was going across the country. Once we landed I turned my phone on and there were numerous messages from H’s mom. She was frantic with worry. H had arranged for the boy to spend the night with her because of my early flight. He was supposed to pick up the boy by 8am for soccer practice. He never showed up. By this time it was almost 10am. I didn’t know what to tell his mom. There was nothing I could tell her. I had no idea where her son was. She asked a million questions and part of me wanted to cover for her son but eventually I told her the truth. That he never came home. I told her my plane had just landed and I would call her back. I remember feeling so helpless. Here I was across the country and my husband was nowhere to be found. I remember feeling guilty. I kept thinking what if something horrible had happened to him? What kind of wife was I to hop on a plane without a care in the world?

I sat down in the terminal and got my bearings. First I called my mom. I told her what was going on and that his mom had called me frantic. She gave the details to my cousin who immediately called his wife who happened to work for the local Sheriff’s department. BINGO. My mom correctly suspected that he had gotten picked up for a DUI. As she was giving me the details of his dui H called on my other line. I clicked over and he told me pretty much what I already knew. I told him to call his mom. He refused. He hadn’t called me to let me know he was ok. He called me because he wanted me to call her with this made up story about why he hadn’t picked up his son. He wanted me to lie to his mom for him. I refused. He got very angry and started calling me all sorts of horrible names. I hung up on him and went back to the call with my mom. I told her what he had asked me to do and decided that I would call her and tell her the truth. My mom persuaded me to simply call her back to let her know I had heard from him and that any questions she has need to be directed at him. My mom didn’t want his mother to continue to worry needlessly about her son. She also did not want me to get in the middle of the situation by either lying for H or telling his mom the truth. My mom was worried about H and his anger towards me if I told his mom what really happened. His mom begged and begged me to tell her what happened. She kept saying that that he never tells her anything and that he never lets he know what’s going on with him. I wanted to tell her but I decided it was best to take my mom’s advice.  All I would tell her is that he was fine and would get in contact with her at some point but I had no idea when. After we spoke I claimed my luggage and took a cab to the hotel.

The details of the arrest indicated he was arrested at 2:30am, 30 miles away from our house and on the freeway headed even further away from our home. As far as I knew we didn’t know anyone who lived out that way and further why was he driving in the opposite direction of our house? I’m sure you can see where this is leading. After investigating a few avenues I found my answer. My investigations revealed a girl’s name and phone number. He had been cheating on me and was headed to his girlfriends house. I called her up and she was actually pretty nice. I think most of it had to do with how I approached the situation. I explained who I was and why I was calling her. I let her know that the only reason I called her was for answers since my H was a liar and couldn’t be trusted. I wasn’t angry at her. I was angry at H for betraying me. I asked if she knew he was married and she said she did. I also asked her if she knew that we were having problems and that I had asked him for a divorce. This was news to her. She had no idea. I wanted to ask her why she thought he would cheat on me “if everything was fine” but decided not to bother. She sounded very young so I asked her age. She was 21. H was 34. She also asked me a few questions, namely if I was going to tell him that she spoke to me and if I was going to try and get her fired since they worked together. I told her no on both counts. I was done speaking to him. It also wouldn’t serve any purpose to get either one of them fired. She could keep her job as far as I was concerned. I thanked her for talking to me and hung up.

I didn’t speak to H for the remainder of my trip. He called a few times, evidently the girl had told him about our conversation. I don’t know what he wanted to say. I ignored his calls. I finished my seminar and flew home. Once I got back I busied myself looking for a place ASAP and avoided H. I would leave for work after H and come home after he had gone to sleep. I wanted to be out by November 1 which gave me a little over a week to find a place. I decided it would be easier to find someone who was renting a room as opposed to an apartment. I found a place not far from where my old apartment had been. A single woman living with her 12 year old daughter had a room for rent. The rent was affordable and she seemed nice on the phone. We made plans to meet the next day after I got out of work. After our conversation I went to lunch. I had a headache that wouldn’t go away so I decided to stop for some headache medicine. As I was browsing the aisles I came upon the feminine protection aisle. I began to wonder if my headache was caused by pms. I looked at my calendar for the date and realized I was overdue for my monthly. Then I thought about that one night back in early October with H. We had used protection but still. I’m usually right on time. This time I was 2 weeks late. Yup, you know what’s coming next. I was pregnant.  

Sober Saturday

I feel tired and drained but I'm sober and that's what is most important to me. These past 2 days have been very difficult with H. I hate to admit it but I think it has everything to do with my recent "compassion" towards him. I've been trying to be more engaging towards him but he continues to respond in his usual, mean, insensitive way. Yesterday I managed to brush off his attitude but today I wasn't able to. We ended up getting into a big argument in a department store and in front of the kids. I don't care too much about arguing in public but I hate that we argued in front of the kids. I wish we wouldn't have but there's only so many times that I can bite my tongue and brush him off. I also think about the message that it sends to our kids. I hate to fight in front of them but I hate to think of the message that they get when I don't stand up for myself and let their father walk all over me. Neither situation is healthy or ideal.

I thought about drinking alot today after arguing with H. I even went to the drug store with the intention of buying alcohol. I didn't though. I walked down every aisle and managed to walk out with only dish soap and contact solution. Before bedtime this evening S was asking for cookies and milk. I like to buy the refrigerated cookie dough and bake a few as a treat for the kids occasionally before putting them to bed. We had run out of dough and I decided to run out and buy more. The thought of buying alcohol while I was out crossed my mind. Before I would have bought a bottle of wine to drink while the cookies baked or a small bottle of alcohol at the liquor store and drank it before coming home if I was hiding my drinking that particular night. I wasn't tempted to do either this evening. The thought remained just that, a thought. That made me feel good. I came home with a package of cookie dough and bacon to go with breakfast tomorrow.

Now I'm going to climb into bed and read before going to sleep. Stay sober my friends.

Sit with the feelings.

Hey there, I made it into work early this morning. I usually start at 7:30 but I work in a downtown area and there is going to be a big protest starting at 7:00. We were advised to come in early to avoid the traffic and street closures. Fine by me. H agreed to drop S off at daycare later this morning. It was so NICE to get up and only be responsible for myself this morning. I didn’t have to bother running to the car to start the engine and get the heater going, running back inside and waking up S. She usually likes to cuddle for a few minutes before she’ll cooperate and let me bundle her up so we can head out. Then we get into the car and settle in for a 30 minute drive. About 10 minutes before we get to daycare I start talking to her about the day. I remind her she’s getting dropped off at daycare, I’m going to work. I tell her to have a fun time playing with the kids and that I’ll be back for her after work. I pull into daycare, walk her in, say hi to the daycare provider, hug and kiss my cousin’s daughter who is at the same daycare. She’s a little older than S, she’s 4. Her mother (my cousin) had a stroke during delivery and has been paralyzed ever since. My cousin’s daughter (let’s call her Star) lives here in town with her grandparents. Her mom is in a convalescent home in Utah. Her dad isn’t in the picture. Star always seems to go out of her way please me. She paints me pictures, gives me little plastic jewels and trinkets, makes me bracelets. I know my aunt and uncle are good to her but I can see that she misses her mom. It just breaks my heart. After spending a few minutes with Star and S I give them both a big hug and a kiss. Then both girls run to the window to wave good bye to me. I hop in my car and drive another 20-30 minutes depending on traffic to my job. I park on the 10^th floor of the parking garage, take the elevator down and then walk 3 blocks to my office. I show my access badge to security so I can get into the elevator bank. I take an elevator up to the 38^th floor, walk to the exact opposite side of the building and finally have a seat at my desk. Wow, I never really thought about how much I do every morning before getting to work. It takes me about an hour to an hour and a half between the time I leave my house and arrive here at work. Anyway, I guess I more than made my point. It was nice to just head out the door this morning. My commute took me 25 minutes. I would have taken 20 but I drove around in circles once I got off the freeway since some of the streets had already been closed and I’m not very familiar with all of the one way streets. I kept trying to head the wrong direction. I made it to work on time though J

Ok, now let’s get to what I really wanted to talk about. As I was driving home last night I was suddenly struck with the thought, “This must be very hard on H also” I had been going over in my head all of the ways that I’ve pretty much detached from him and our marriage. I basically live my life as a single mom. I go to work, make dinner and tend to my kids in the evening. I put them to bed and spend the rest of the evening alone. I sleep alone. I wake up alone and pass by H sleeping on the couch on my way out the door. I rarely, if ever ask him for anything nor do I expect anything from him. Sometimes I forget that he can’t be relied upon and ask him to join me somewhere, like my moms b-day dinner, but it always ends up the same. He doesn’t do what he said he would do. I should know better by now but like they say Hope Springs Eternal or  was it, There’s one born every minute? Seriously though, as I thought about the reality of our situation I started to cry. It struck me that I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried specifically over him and our marriage. Sure I’ve cried because I was lonely, sad, overwhelmed, angry even but I couldn’t remember the last time my heart ached for him. For us. I thought back and was able to remember the last time I cried. Well almost cried to be honest. It was October 2008. Things had continued to deteriorate between us since we married in 2007. I was fed up and so very tired of trying to make things work. I approached him one day and asked him what he thought about us divorcing. I remember giving him this big speech about us making a mistake, that he could blame it all on me if it made him feel better (looking back I can’t believe I was willing to do that just so he could save face!), that I didn’t want nor expect anything from him. I simply wanted a divorce so I could move on with my life. He never said one word as I was speaking, when I was done he looked at me and said, OK. I remember feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I felt free. I suddenly felt like things would be ok. I would be ok. For the next few days my emotions ranged from feeling free and excited about my future to being very sad and angry that no matter what I had tried I wasn’t able to make my marriage work. Since my mom had been the most vocal about her feelings that I should not divorce I decided I had better go over to her house and tell her in person. I went over one day after work and told her what H and I had decided. I wasn’t sure what her reaction would be but I thought I had a pretty good idea. Turns out I had no idea. She hugged me in her arms and said, “It’s ok. I know you tried. I’m here for you no matter what” I was so relieved. We hugged for a few more minutes in silence and then she said, “I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out” That’s when I started to cry. I tried to hold it in. My mom hugged me tighter and said, “Go ahead and cry. It’s ok to cry” I pulled back from her hug, took a deep breath and said, “No. I’m not going to cry. I’ve cried enough over him and our marriage. I’m done crying” I kept my word. I haven’t cried over him or our marriage since then. Until yesterday. It’s weird how that incident had slipped from my mind but it was still there. Buried beneath my anger, resentment and alcohol. 

Last night I planned on going to a 12/12 book study but once I got home I physically, mentally and emotionally worn out.  I was tired, hungry and my make up was a mess. I’m an avid reader and my K-reader is my constant companion. I had pre-ordered the K-reader F/re and it had arrived a day early. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and play with my new toy. Instead I decided to attend my book study as planned. At the book study we read through Step 8. This part jumped up at me:

~We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have “harmed” other people. What kinds of “harm” do people do one another, anyway? To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people……………..Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others. What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others—the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable could be extended almost indefinitely.~

It spoke straight to my heart about the way that I’ve been treating H. I always put emphasis on what he’s done to hurt me but I rarely if ever look closely at what I do to hurt him. Sure I could say that all I’m doing is being a good wife/mother but the truth is I try to hurt him by doing everything without him and better than him. It’s unspoken but it’s there. I never say one word about him sleeping on the couch. I’ll admit to myself that I’m lonely but never to him. I hurts my feelings but I refuse to acknowledge it. Especially to him. I must say it was a huge eye opener. I’ve heard people say that when you are feeling down and don’t want to go to a meeting is when you need to go the most. Often you end up hearing just what you needed to hear at the meeting. That statement was very true for me last night. After the meeting I spoke to a friend and confided what I had been feeling and what the book study helped me to see. I still felt anger and resentment but the unexpected compassion for H was unsettling. I didn’t know what to do with it. I almost didn’t want to feel that way towards him. She hugged me and said, “The compassion you feel is there because being that way towards him or anyone else is not who you truly are. You aren’t mean and vindictive. You are a compassionate woman and there is nothing wrong with that.” I got what she was saying but still didn’t know what to do with these feelings of compassion for H. I asked her if she thought I should go home and apologize for the past 2 years. She laughed gently and said, “Don’t do anything. Sit with the feelings. Simply feel them. You don’t have to act on every emotion you feel” 

Well ok. I’m sitting here and the compassion is still there. Thinking about the past 2 years and how I’ve treated H hurts. My heart aches for the pain I caused him. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling this way. I’m supposed to be the injured party here, the one who was hurt and put upon. While it’s true that I was hurt and put upon its also true that I inflicted my fair share of hurt on him too. What a predicament. I guess I’ll just stay with the feelings until it passes. I don’t like it but I can live with it. I have to keep reminding myself, When we know better we are able to do better. I’m starting to know better and hopefully one day I will be able to do better.

Another slip

I drank Thursday, Friday, Saturday and yesterday. I can’t even tell you why I drank. Oh wait, that’s right. I’m an alcoholic. I could make excuses by saying that I didn’t drink that much, although admittedly it was MORE than I wanted to drink since I decided a few weeks ago that I no longer wanted to drink. I was done drinking. At least I thought I was. I could also blame it on H. He had been playing his usual mind games over the past week such as ignoring my calls, showing up hours later than expected, refusing to tell me where he was, promising to meet me at a very important family gathering (my sister and I were throwing a dinner party for my mom’s birthday) then sending me a text hours later that said, “I decided not to go but you probably figured that out by now” Actually I hadn’t figured that out. I once again believed that he would do what he said he would do. It’s stupid really. I didn’t even really enjoy drinking. I was angry and hurt at H for his behavior the past week so I went out deliberately and bought a small bottle of whiskey. Friday I bought a bottle of wine and had 2 glasses. Saturday I volunteered to stop by the store and pick up the few items that were still needed for the dinner party. I went straight to the liquor aisle and got a big bottle of whiskey. As I walked around the store getting the various items I needed I kept thinking to myself, “You don’t have to buy that bottle of whiskey. You don’t have to drink.” I knew I would have a perfectly fine time without alcohol but I was upset at H for not showing up and therefore determined to drink. I bought the whiskey and had 3 drinks. Sunday we went to brunch and although my sister and aunt ordered margarita’s I was fine with my d.coke. I think that’s when I began to fool myself into thinking that I can handle drinking in moderation. Yesterday I decided to have the last 2 glasses of wine that was left over from Friday night. After I finished the wine off I went into the garage to check the laundry *wink*wink* where H keeps the alcohol and started taking pulls of vodka. I woke up feeling disgusted and disappointed in myself. Naturally my addiction is dancing a jig right now and trying to persuade me to put off my sobriety until the New Year. Fresh start and all that. I’m not going to give in. Today is Day 1.

Cleaning

Tomorrow is a bank holiday and I usually try to get all of my Christmas shopping done so I left the kids for the night with my in-laws. H is out at some sporting event. I'm all alone and have no idea what to do with myself. I thought about cleaning but I used to use cleaning as an excuse to drink. You know, I'm doing something that I hate so I deserve this drink mentality. I don't feel like cleaning but for some reason I could still go for that drink. I'm going to shower, watch a movie on demand and try not to think about drinking.  Wish me luck.

A New Beginning part 2

After we settled the child issue we carried on planning our wedding. Soon it was our wedding day. I decided not to drink at all before or during the reception. My relationship to alcohol was casual at the time and I knew that I didn’t need alcohol to have a good time. I also knew that I tended to forget small details when I drink and I didn’t want that to happen. I wanted to be 100% present for my wedding day. I told H of my plan and he said he wasn’t going to drink before the wedding either. It was a lovely ceremony and the reception was lots of fun. There was one moment in the limo on the way to the reception when H made a comment that gave me pause but I brushed it away. He sat back and sighed with relief and said, “Finally. I’m back where I was before” I wasn’t sure what he meant but I suspect that it had something to do with his first wife passing so suddenly after the birth of their son. I suppose he thought now that he was married again his life would once again be the way it was when he was married to his first wife.

The day after our wedding we left for our honeymoon. We traveled to a beautiful Caribbean Beach Resort. While there I saw a different side of H that led me to believe I had made a huge mistake in marrying him. The resort we stood at had a water park. Every day H and I would get an inner tube that seated 2 people and float around on their winding river. At some points it would have high waves, at other points we would float along rapids and at one point you could go up a huge conveyor belt and slide down a huge slide. You never had to get out of the water if you didn’t want to. It was great. One day as H and I decided to go down another slide that didn’t require an inner tube. While waiting in line two girls in front of me began discussing where they thought they could get an inner tube. From what I could tell they were visiting the resort for the day and didn’t have much money. They worried it would be expensive to rent an inner tube. One girl wanted to check out the price and the other didn’t see the point. She wasn’t willing to spend any money to rent an inner tube. I interrupted their discussion to tell them the inner tubes were free. However by this time in the day most were taken. I told them they would have to search around the edges of the river for an empty one and claim it. I directed them to a spot where H and I had good luck in finding empty inner tubes. They thanked me for the info and got out of line to find an inner tube. I turned to H and he had this weird look on his face. He looked like he wanted to laugh at me or had something to say but he kept quiet so I ignored the look. Later that day we were laying out I heard a couple arguing behind us. They were on a cruise and their ship had docked nearby. They had come to the resort for the day. It was early afternoon so most lounge chairs were occupied. People weren’t necessarily sitting in the chairs but there were hotel issued towels on the chairs so it was safe to assume they were taken. The couple had been walking around for a while and couldn’t find 2 chairs together. The man was complaining about the money spent to get into the resort and blaming her for being unable to find 2 chairs together. He sounded like a jerk and I felt sorry for the woman. She kept apologizing. She found one empty chair and was trying to persuade him to sit in it but he refused. A few minutes earlier I had noticed the people a few chairs over had left for the day. They hadn’t moved the towels from the chairs though. I let the couple know that those chairs were unoccupied and where they could get fresh towels. They thanked me, set down some stuff and walked off to get fresh towels. H turned to me and said with disgust in his voice, “You are so nosey. It’s embarrassing. You get into everyone’s business” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had never heard that tone of voice from him nor had I ever heard him speak to me with such disrespect. He also mentioned the earlier incident when I told the girls where to find an inner tube. I tried explaining to him that I was actually helping them not being nosey. It didn’t feel right to have information that would be helpful but say nothing. He continued to insist that I was nosey and an embarrassment. I remember feeling so very hurt by his comments. I didn’t know what to think. After a few minutes I went off in search of a cocktail. I think that might have been the first time of many that I used alcohol to soothe my feelings in this marriage.

Every night after dinner we would go to the casino in the resort. My game is Roulette. I have a standard series of numbers that I always bet on. I change them periodically, like when I added S’s birthday or when I have to change the number I use for my age.  Whenever I gamble it’s just for fun. I never bet more than I can afford and I always expect to lose everything that I came in with. H’s game was 21. He had never played Roulette but a few days into our honeymoon he decided to join me at the Roulette table. He stood next to me and we played Roulette. I always get very excited when one of my numbers comes up and I happened to be winning. I was laughing and joking with the other people at the table and the dealer running the Roulette table. I was having a great time. After a while I noticed H giving me a pointed look. I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to convey to me. He seemed to be uncomfortable about something. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing was going on. A short time later he pulled me aside and whispered in my ear, “Can you keep it down. You’re embarrassing yourself. You keep laughing loud and talking to everyone. Just be quiet” Once again I could not believe what I was hearing. Who did this kill joy think he is? I’m not embarrassing. I’m friendly! I’m nice! He’s the one being quiet and acting all aloof. He’s embarrassing! I was so hurt. I could not understand how he could be embarrassed about me and if that was the case why did he marry me? I never pretended to be anything other than who I was. This wasn’t the first time he got to see what kind of person I am. He knew, he’s always known. If my personality bothered him so much then how could he say that he loved me?  I would never tell anyone that I loved and cared about that I was embarrassed of them. Especially over something as insignificant as a being friendly, having fun, laughing!? It didn’t make sense to me. How could he want to spend the rest of his life with someone who embarrassed him so? I cashed in my chips and went up to our room. I was devastated. I felt deceived. I felt trapped. I wanted out. I decided to file for an annulment when we got back. Maybe I over reacted. I don’t know. The way he was speaking to me and what he was saying made it very hard to believe that he truly cared about me and loved me the way he said he did. To this very day I still have a hard time believing that he married me because he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

Eventually he came to the room and got into bed. We didn’t speak or touch the entire night. The next morning I got in the shower and cried. When I came out it was obvious that I had been crying. He took one look at my face and apologized. I questioned him about his comments and if he was really embarrassed. He tried to make excuses but he didn’t deny that he was indeed embarrassed. For the rest of our honeymoon I was anxiety ridden. I knew deep in my heart that I had made a BIG mistake. I kept thinking of the money I had spent on the wedding, my beautiful rent controlled apartment I gave up, I thought of my family and my friends. I worried about how it would look to file for an annulment right after the honeymoon. I was so ashamed that I had misjudged H. How could I have been so stupid? But wait! We got married in the Catholic Church. Divorces aren’t granted. I couldn’t get a divorce. I would be a sinner. If I went on to meet someone else I would be an adulteress. Good old Catholic Guilt at its best J

When we got back from our honeymoon I moved into his house.  I had given up my apartment earlier in the month and been staying with my mom before the wedding. One night I met my mom for dinner. I was still torn over everything that happened during our honeymoon. I tried to put it behind us but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I had made a mistake. I also couldn’t bear to face the shame of filling for a divorce so soon after the wedding. (Although now I see that there is no shame in it. People make mistakes and it takes far more courage to admit those mistakes than it does to sit and do nothing) I confided in my mom. She was sympathetic but she reminded me that I had married within the Catholic Church and it was my duty to make this marriage work. She wouldn’t hear of me filing for a divorce. Resigned to my fate I returned to my new home. I cried all the way. I continued to cry every day on the drive home for months. As time passed I had more and more things to cry about.  

A New Beginning.

I have never gone back to read what I’ve posted so I’m going to start where I think I left off.  I had just gotten engaged to H, right? We got engaged in October and I wanted to put off setting a date and planning the wedding until after the New Year. I knew planning a wedding would be stressful and I wanted to enjoy being engaged for a little while.

In January we started thinking about dates, wedding venue and most importantly where we would live. I’ve always envisioned a Fall wedding so October seemed perfect to me. H on the other hand wanted us to get marries ASAP. One of the reasons for wanting to wait was because I knew that by marrying him I would automatically become a full time mother to the boy. I wasn’t ready for that. I’d always wanted to spend a few years with my husband before having a family. Since I was a lot older that I had imagined I would be when I got married and H had a son I knew that wasn’t an option. I discussed it at length with him and eventually we came to a compromise. H said that he would continue to the boy’s primary caregiver and I would support him. He told me that he did not expect me to ever be 100% responsible for the boy. He also promised that he would continue to have date night with me once a week. It sounded like a fair plan so we agreed to marry in June.

Once the date was sent we began planning the wedding and our life together. Two situations stand out in my head as being very significant. The red flags were waving away and I ignored them. The first issue was money. Who controlled the money, how much we could afford, how much we should/could spend. H had a substantial amount of savings set aside that he decided to use for the wedding. It was torture planning the wedding with him. We knew we were going to have 220 people but that was it. He refused to give me a budget for anything. I’d make appointments with florists, etc and ask him before hand how much we could afford. We needed at least 20 centerpieces plus the bridal party flowers, flowers for church, etc. We needed to be able to tell the florist how much we could afford. He would never give me an amount. All he would say is, “Let’s see what they come back with…” We ended up arguing over money constantly. I wouldn’t say that I’m cheap but I am thrifty. I like to stretch my money as far as I can and get the lowest/best possible price for everything. H on the other hand doesn’t see the point of buying when on sale or shopping around for the lowest/best deal. A perfect example is our cars. We both bought new cars in the months before the wedding. He paid full sticker price for his car at a 6% interest rate. I researched my car online, visited a few dealers and waited until the dealer had a 1.9% interest rate special. I went in and got my car for $5,000 below sticker price @1.9% interest rate. We should have sat down then and had a long talk about money and how we were going to conduct our finances as a married couple but we didn’t. We did however share our credit reports. Neither one of us had much debt. I had a student loan with about 7k owed (which will be paid off next year) and he had a credit card with about 9k owed on it.

The second situation involved children. I simply assumed that we would have children together. I never imagined that he wouldn’t want to have any more children. One day I asked him if he wanted a girl or another boy. I’ve always wanted a girl. He said that he never thought about it since he wasn’t going to have any more children. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what he was saying. We talked it over and he remained adamant that he was not having any more children. Period. At this point we were about 2 months away from the wedding. I have no idea why we had never talked about the possibility of children before. I remember thinking that I would have to call off the wedding. I could not imagine marrying him and mothering his son but never having the opportunity to bear a child of my own. It was too much. I knew I would never be able to do it. We continued to discuss it for a few days. He kept trying to convince me that I would get over wanting to have a child, he tried to say that there was no guarantee that I was even able to conceive and have a baby, etc. He wanted me to give up my hearts desire for him and his son. Finally I couldn’t bear to discuss it anymore. I told him it was over. I would not marry him knowing that I would never get to have a child of my own. I was heartbroken but felt that he must not be the ONE for me and that I would find someone else.  When I broke the news to him, he looked shocked for about a second. Then he laughed and said, “I was kidding. Of course we’ll have kids. But just one” He hugged me and then wanted to proceed like nothing had gone on. I couldn’t leave it alone though. I wanted to know why he would joke about such a thing, especially when I didn’t think it was funny at all. In addition I wanted 2 kids not just one. He refused to agree to having two kids. So instead of doing the logical thing and sticking to my guns about us breaking up we argued about it for a few more days. Finally we agreed that if our first child was a boy we’d try again for a girl. If we got two boys then that was it. No more kids. However if our first child was a girl then we would be done having children. We went on to have our daughter and I do not plan on ever having any other children. Not only because of our agreement but due to completely different reasons that I will get to later.

The issue regarding children and his refusal to take my feelings about having children seriously should have been a huge red flag. He would not compromise until he realized that I would leave him. Then instead of apologizing and attempting to have an adult discussion about it he laughs in my face and goes back on everything he had said in defending his position not to have any more children. He tries to attempt to continue to control the situation by agreeing to only ONE child. It’s madness. I just wish I could have seen it then.

Procrastination on MY Story

I’ve been procrastinating on telling more of my story. I have a habit of denying what’s really going on in this marriage. A few years ago H and I went to couples counseling. I threatened to divorce him unless he agreed to counseling. I had been begging him to attend counseling with me for ages. I was ready to leave him but unwilling to get on with it. I didn’t want to be ‘responsible’ for our divorce. I never imagined that he would agree to counseling. I figured that he’d refuse counseling like he always had and I’d be ‘free’ to leave him. He didn’t refuse so we went and after a few sessions it was me who decided to call off the counseling.

During our counseling session a majority of the time was spent telling the counselor our story. Towards the end of the sessions the counselor would advise us to spend quality time together and told us to save any hard or difficult discussions for our next session. In hindsight I can appreciate what he was trying to do but at the time I would think to myself, “Yeah right. The last thing I want to do is spend time with HIM. Didn’t you just hear how’s he’s treated me? The stuff he’s done to HURT me? WHY would I want to spend any time at all with someone like him!?” I remember leaving the sessions feeling angry, upset, hurt and humiliated. I HATED having to say out loud everything that had happened between us. I was ashamed that I allowed someone to treat me so poorly. I was ashamed that I was still with him. Eventually my inability to deal with the hurt and anger from our past led me to decide that counseling wasn’t working. I can see now that I didn’t give it time to work and I wasn’t committed to doing the work required to repair our marriage.

So I’m going to start working on finishing up my story. I just wanted to share that I hadn’t forgotten about it and I will do my best to post it soon.

Stay sober my friends.

Rough evening

I had a rough evening. I wish I didn’t feel the need to push myself the way I do. I ended up not ordering dinner. I got it in my head that since the kids are spending the night at my in-laws tonight I simply had to prepare them a homemade dinner. As I prepared each item the thought of stopping and ordering in went through my head. I was almost finished and still kept thinking about ordering in. Then I figured that even if I ordered in I would still have to serve them so I might as well serve them what I had been slaving over. I got everyone served and sat down to eat my food. I hadn’t sat down once since I got home. Immediately I felt overwhelmingly tired and I wanted to cry. I put my fork down and told H that I didn’t feel good and was going to lie down. I went into my room and promptly fell asleep. It wasn’t a restful sleep though. I knew in the back of my mind that resting/sleep was out of the question. I still had to bathe S and put her to bed. I knew H would simply not do it. S woke me up a few times to ask for juice, to put on a DVD of Caillou and to change her pamper. I felt awful telling her to ask H but I was exhausted. Her requests were so simple but I couldn’t muster the energy to get up and do them. I must have fallen into a deep sleep because I startled awake and checked the clock. It was 9:45pm. H was watching tv and S was walking around the house. I put S down for the night, got back into bed and cried. I felt guilty that I didn’t bathe S and put her to bed on time and I was angry at H for being utterly and completely useless.  

I'm hoping these feelings will pass quickly. I hate feeling this way.

Still in a funk

I still haven’t snapped out of my funk. I’m beginning to think maybe it’s the weather or the recent time change. All I want to do is sleep. I’m going to order dinner for my kids, attend a 12/12 book study and come back home and crawl into bed. This too shall pass.

Stay sober my friends.

Red wine

I'm proud of myself. I went grocery shopping and did not think about buying alcohol. Not once! I text H to ask what he wanted for dinner and he said spaghetti and garlic bread. Ordinarily I would have automatically picked up a few bottles of red wine. I don't even care for red wine but I would have drank red wine while cooking, drank red wine while having dinner and drank more red wine after dinner. Not anymore. Buying & drinking red wine never occurred to me. Yay!

Weekend

Friday I woke up in a funk. I decided to skip work. I relaxed with S, picked up the boy from school (Friday’s are half/days) and took the kids to lunch. I was going to my sister’s house for the weekend so I had tons of laundry to do. H came home and I went to an 8pm meeting. I was envisioning the weekend and kept thinking about drinking. I hoped the meeting would get my head straight. It didn’t really work, mainly because I wasn’t in the mind set. I walked in just as it was about to start and a woman who I’ve seen at the meeting a few times motioned me to sit by her. I sat down and she started talking to me over the person leading the meeting. Mind you, she was sitting right next to the meeting leader. I motioned to her that I was trying to listen to the meeting but she kept talking. I finally whispered to her that we would talk later and she quieted down but only for a brief period. Every chance she got she would talk to me. I’ll admit I wasn’t in the best mood. I was trying to ignore my urge to drink and really needed to just sit at the meeting and listen. I may be incorrect in my perception but at one point she asked me if I had a sponsor and seemed judgmental when I told her I didn’t. She also kept pushing the phone list and a pen at me insisting that I put my number down. I don’t think I would have much to offer if someone were to call me for support so I declined. She continued to insist that I should, especially since I didn’t have a sponsor, blah, blah, blah. By this point I just wanted to get away from her. I almost walked out of the meeting. I wasn’t getting anything out of the meeting with her in my ear the entire time. Finally, mercifully the meeting was over. I ran out of there and got home to find H passed out on the couch again and S wandering around the house. It was 9:30pm. When I left at 7:45pm I changed her into her pj’s. I reminded H that my meeting was an hour and a half and asked him to put S to bed.  I woke him up and asked him why she was still up. According to him he didn’t know what her bed time was. REALLY!? My bed time routine for her is the same every single night and he’s never noticed what time she goes to bed? The last thing she does before I put her to bed is give him a kiss good night. I don’t believe that he doesn’t know what her bed time is. He’s lying. I bet he was asleep for the entire time I was gone. I put S down and them climbed into bed. I still wanted a drink in the worst way but I decided to go to sleep instead.

Saturday morning H dropped me and S off at my sister’s house. The boy stood with his uncle. My sister lives 2 hours away and H had planned a guys weekend in her city. The football team he favors was playing the team from my sister’s hometown and H got tickets to the game. As we drove to my sister’s house I kept thinking of drinking. My sister and her husband don’t drink very often but they have a large supply of liquor in their garage, mainly left over from parties. They also have a refrigerator stocked with beer. The beer wouldn’t be a problem for me. H also has a refrigerator stocked with beer in our garage. I’m not tempted to drink it. Hard liquor on the other hand, is my weakness. My sister and I took the kids to the zoo. The zoo just happens to sell beer, wine and margaritas. I kept thinking of buying one but I managed to resist. Later my sister took the kids into the bird aviary and I went to wait for them by the exit. The exit was right by a stand selling margaritas. I sat on a bench and wrestled with myself about buying one. By the time I allowed myself to consider it the stand was closing up. We stopped by the grocery store on the way back to my sisters house. Once again I wrestled with myself over buying alcohol. The last time I was at my sisters I had left a bottle of whiskey. I was fairly positive it would still be there. I bought my favorite mixer and told myself that if the whiskey was still there then I could have a drink. Of course it was there. So I mixed myself a drink and finished off the bottle.

So here we go again. Another slip, another day 2. What a drag.

Crabby

I've been feeling exhausted these past few days. It takes everything I have to get up and going in the mornings. There is a situation at work with this woman (let's call her Crabby) that's also making it difficult. I can't figure out if it's me or her but our interactions feel strained and she ends up snapping at me and eventually I lose my patience and snap right back. It's a temporary job and I'm more that half way through my assignment so I'm trying not to let Crabby get to me but it's difficult. I received very little training when I started. I was introduced to Crabby by the manager who hired me and was assured that Crabby would be the go to person if I had a question. Initially I approached Crabby on a few questions but she would throw her hands in the air and exclaim, "I don't know how YOU are supposed to do it! I know how I do it but I don't know if that's the way YOU are supposed to do it. How did THEY tell to do it!?" I tried to explain that I was asking her because I hadn't been given instructions/training on that particular task. Eventually she'd reluctantly give me a few pointers but never the full information I needed to complete the task. After the first few times we went through that song and dance I stopped asking her for help. I did the best I could and turned it into my boss for review. I missed a few components that I was not aware of and my boss asked her to show me what I missed. She approached me one morning and began telling me to open various computer applications that I had never used. I had been e-mailed passwords by the IT Dept but hadn't been taught what the applications were for and what information I would be obtaining from them. I pointed at an application that I thought she was referring to and asked her if that was the application. She said it wasn't so I went went on to the other applications. She said it wasn't any of those either. She then took the computer mouse out of my hand and proceeded to open the 1st application I had asked her about. She commented rather rudely, "I told you it was this one!" I bit my tongue and kept quiet. She went on to show me a few more applications and each time she repeated her performance of asking me to open an application, telling me it was the wrong one, letting me ask her about the other applications before she's go back the the first one and tell me that was the ONE. Finally I told her, I asked you about that one and you said that wasn't it! Her response, "NO! I said uh-huh when you asked me" Which wasn't true. She'd verbally say NO and shake her head for emphasis when I would ask her only to go back a few seconds later and say that was the correct application. Is your head pounding yet? Mine is. That woman gives me the biggest headache. My head is aching just thinking about her nonsense. I've thought about telling my boss but since I only have a few weeks left of my contract I don't really see the point. I'd rather just avoid her and finish up my assignment. Although I have decided that if my boss asks me directly how things are going I won't hesitate to be honest.

In other news, H is out with the guys at the bar. I'm home with the kids and I do not feel like drinking. Being left alone with the kids while H goes out has been a big trigger. Not today. Maybe Crabby is supposed to irk me and take up so much space in my head leaving no room to think of drinking! Kind of like divine intervention.Wouldn't that be something? LOL

After work I picked up the kids and we went to get a bite to eat. Once we got home I played with S then we made chocolate chip cookies. The kids are just finishing up their cookies and milk. Then it's bedtime for them and I'm going to climb into bed and read for a bit. It's been a good evening. It feels good to be sober.

12/12 meeting

I really enjoyed my meeting this evening. I decided to attend a meeting about 1 minute away from my house as opposed to going to my women’s meeting. The women’s meeting is about 15 minutes away and lasts 1 ½ hour. The meeting down the street was an hour. It was a 12/12 meeting. The first I’ve ever been to and I LOVED it. A woman I had met at another neighborhood meeting was there. I met her one other time and she was very welcoming. We ended up staying 30 minutes after the meeting and talking. I told her a little bit about my situation, especially the part about being reluctant to leave the kids home with H. It’s hard for me to focus on the meeting when I’m watching the clock and wondering if the kids are ok with H. She mentioned that she has a daughter in High School who babysits frequently and that it would be no problem for her daughter to watch S so I could attend meetings. She acknowledged that we had just met but gave me her phone number, told me to call anytime, offered to meet me at meetings if I liked and said that I could go over to her house to meet her daughter and get to know her family better so I might be comfortable leaving S there.

I never did call her but I have thought about it many times. At tonight’s meeting we celebrated her 10^th birthday. She asked me to be the one to give her the cake. I was honored and very touched. I’ve been thinking about getting a sponsor and working the steps. I think she might be a good fit. I’m going to give her a call and ask her to meet me at a few meetings before making a definite decision. I’m also looking forward to meeting her daughter. It will be great if  her daughter babysitting S works out. Even if she doesn’t end up sponsoring me.  

Needless to say, I am feeling much better. The urge to drink is gone. The meeting was just what I needed. It feels really good to be sober tonight.  

End of my rope

It is a beautiful day here today. The events of last night (which I’ll get to in a minute) have been weighing heavy on my mind. I hoped walking around outside during my lunch break would help clear my head. It helped a little bit. I’m grateful for that.

Last night was my women’s book study meeting. I have about 20 minutes from that time I get home until I have to head out to the meeting. I spend that time changing out of my work clothes into jeans/t-shirt, setting out S pajamas (H won’t put them on her unless I set them out) and then figure out something easy that H can prepare for the kids should he feel like it although usually he can’t be bothered and ends up ordering in. We had lots of leftovers from the weekend so I figured he could warm whatever the kids felt like eating. H had his friends over for a drink fest Saturday night. A few people spent the night and so they all proceeded to drink Sunday away too. On a side note, I NEVER noticed how bad hungover people smell. Two people in particular, a couple whom I actually quite like, made my entire living room reek. I suppose it doesn’t bother them since they both stink and therefore they cancel each other out but WHEW! I almost gagged out loud a few times. I tried to stifle the noise but it was almost impossible. I feel like gagging just thinking about it! Anyway, in between drinking they ordered breakfast, lunch and dinner from various places near our house. They hardly ate anything though. Honestly I think the only reason food was ordered at all was because I wanted to make sure my children ate and I was not about to be cooking for a house full of people.

H comes home, I brief him on the dinner situation, SHOW him where I’ve laid out S’s pajamas otherwise he won’t put them on her, kiss the kids and leave for my meeting. The meeting is from 6:30 and it’s about an hour. I chatted after the meeting with another woman I know from Wednesday’s Women’s meeting, wrapped up 2 cupcakes to bring to my kids and drove home. When I’m home we eat by 6:45-7:00, I give S her bath and by 8pm we are usually lounging on my bed. I read to her or we watch a cartoon together. 8:20 I help her brush her teeth and put her to bed by 8:30. Even when I was drinking this was my routine.

I got home a little after 8pm and walk in to find S sitting on the living room floor by H (who is passed out on the couch) eating candy out of her Halloween bucket and watching some reality cop show. Next to her Halloween bucket of is a half empty bottle of beer. She runs to me and asks for some juice to drink. I look back at the beer and wonder if she drank any of it. I pick her up and smell her breath. I don’t smell anything. I know she wouldn’t have swallowed much, if any at all. One time she took a sip of my d.coke and the carbonation/taste freaked her out. She let it dribble back out of her mouth and down her blouse. We go into the kitchen where I find the boy eating ice cream. I ask the boy what his dad warmed for dinner. He tells me that they haven’t had dinner yet. Suddenly I want a drink in the very worst way. I push that thought aside and go about feeding my kids, give S the quickest bath ever and put her to bed. I walk back to the kitchen and notice that H has come to. He is sitting up watching tv as though he wasn’t just passed out cold and NEGLECTING his children. I’ve learned from experience not to bother asking him how much he had to drink. He drinks at work so by the time he gets home there is no telling how many he’s already had. Plus he’s a liar. He’ll say that all he had was the lone half beer that is still sitting there. What’s more, if he would have remembered to throw the bottle away before passing out he’ll deny that he had anything to drink at all. I walked up to him and simply requested that he put the beer some place where S can’t get to it the next time he’s drinking. There’s no point saying anything else.

Now I’m conflicted about going to my meeting tonight. I hate the thought of leaving the kids in his care. That’s also why I’ve let him get out of sharing the responsibility of the children 50/50 which is what got me here.  The anger and resentment at having to do everything by myself.  All of the time. I know I’m not doing him any favors by enabling him to ignore his responsibility to his kids but when I try to force him into helping the kids are the ones who suffer. He’ll ignore and neglect them or he’ll be mean and short tempered with them. I hate this. All I want is to do right by my kids which starts with getting sober and staying sober but it’s hard when I feel as though I can’t take the time out to work on myself and my recovery.  I get home and am triggered all over the place to drink. I’m still feeling those triggers, I don’t see the point of going to the meeting tonight when I’m just going to come back to the same situation and the triggers are going to simply get stronger.

The other part of it, the hardest part for me is that once I’m sober and start building a new life it’s just going to be S and me. I can’t take the boy with me when I leave. I’m his step-mother. His bio mom passed away when he was born. I came into his life when he was 5 and I am the only mom he has ever known. I’ve asked H if I could adopt the boy but he always refuses. I have no legal ties or claims to him. Never the less, he is MY son and I am HIS mom. It kills me to think of leaving him, of separating him and S. She adores her big brother and he adores her just as much. They have so much fun together. You would think the age difference would be a factor in that but it isn’t. I can’t even imagine the damage I would do to the boy both emotionally and psychologically if I were to abandon him and take his sister with me. I can’t do that to him. I won’t.

I just feel so hopeless right now. I feel as though things are never going to get better no matter how hard I try. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel as though I am at the end of my rope and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. Right now it feels so much easier to let go and have a drink. I won't though. I'm going to resist the urge. I'm going to pick up dinner for my kids on the way home and then head out to my meeting. 

Deja Vu

Last night I felt as though I had been sent back in time to when I first started realizing the type of man I had married. The feelings of intense shame at being treated poorly and the anger that followed the shame felt so very familiar. On one hand it’s been a while since I felt that way but yet the feelings came flooding back as if it happened yesterday. I have been using avoidance and increasingly alcohol to numb my feelings when forced to deal with H. That is no longer an option with my program of sobriety and recovery. I don’t want to be a Dry Drunk so I’m trying some of the techniques I’ve learned in recovery such as, Live and let live, Let go of the outcome, Keep your side of the street clean, etc. I’m trying really hard to work on myself and on the part that I play in my marriage.

Since it’s a school/work night I decided to pick up a pizza on the way home from work. I got home about 15 minutes before H and the boy. S and I sat down to eat, when H and the boy got home they weren’t hungry so I cleaned up S and put on her costume. I tried engaging H in conversation but he seemed to be in a bad mood. I asked him if he was coming trick or treating with us and he said yes but his tone and body language said different. Usually I would have read into that and got upset at his attitude. We would have gotten into a big argument with me insisting that he didn’t really want to join us and him insisting, “I said I was going, right!?” Eventually I would have taken the kids alone and been angry while he sat home enjoying the football game. Not this time. I ignored the tone and body language. I walked away to gather up the kids and began to lock up the house. I returned to the bedroom where he hadn’t moved and was still watching the football game. I told him the kids and I were ready to go. He didn’t say one word nor acknowledge me.  I called his name. He still ignored me. I walked over to him and said, “We are ready to go” he gave me a condescending look and said, “I know. I heard you the FIRST time” Now once again, usually I would have asked him why he didn’t acknowledge me if he heard me and we would have gotten into a fight. Eventually I would have taken the kids alone and been angry while he sat home enjoying the football game. Not this time. I simply walked out of the room and went to wait for him on the front porch with the kids. After a few minutes I went back inside to get a bottle of water from the kitchen. He’s in there serving himself a piece of pizza. I tell him that we are waiting for him and he says, “What are you talking about? I’m ready. I’ve been waiting for you” At this point I am beyond irritated and that’s when the sense of déjà vu starts. I’ve been here before. I’ve done this crazy dance with him. I don’t want to do it anymore.

Once again I go outside to wait with the kids. H comes out and starts walking down the driveway towards the street. At the driveway he turns left and starts walking down the sidewalk. Completely ignoring us. Meanwhile I’m trying to put S in her wagon and call for him to wait a minute. He ignores me and keeps on walking, passing by houses with kids trick or treating. The boy runs to catch up with him and I trail behind pulling S in her wagon. I stop at the houses giving candy and the boy comes back to join us. H remains a few houses before us. He kind of slows when we stop but starts walking again when we do. He still hasn’t said a word to us. S is thrilled that she’s getting candy. Every time she gets candy she screeches with joy, does a little jig then yells for me and H to look at what she got. “mama!! Candy!!”…..”dada! Candy!”  she yells as she holds up her Halloween bucket and navigates past the other kids back to her wagon. I smile at her and take a peek in the bucket, how can I not? She’s freaking adorable. The past 2 years she didn’t really get the whole trick or treat thing. This year she’s all about it. I taught her to say trick or treat and we’ve been playing trick or treat at the house for weeks. During all of this my heart hardens as H continues to ignore us and not once responds to S when she calls out to him. I HATE it when he does that. I get it, he’s bugged because he obviously feels that I dragged him out. What I don’t get and I probably never will is why he has to take it out on our kids. This nonsense continues for a few blocks then I get tired of lifting S out of the wagon at each house, putting her back in, walking to the next house, taking her out, putting her back in. I walk as fast as I can and catch up to H. I ask him to pull S. He takes the handle from me and starts walking up the street. Once again he’s passing by all of the houses giving out candy. I’m trying to keep up and ask him why he isn’t stopping. He ignores me. I ask him again, a little louder this time. No response. Finally I holler for him to STOP. He walks a few paces then stops, almost like an after thought. By this time I’m livid. I ask him point blank why he is ignoring me. Naturally, he denies it. The kids are looking from me to him and although I suspect the boy knows what’s going on since both times I asked his father a question he looked at his dad waiting for a response then would look back at me. S simply looks confused and I see her trying to figure out why I’m upset all of a sudden. I decide to drop the subject and we head home.  My head was pounding. I was hurt and angry that H would go out of his way to be a jerk and deliberately spoil the evening.

As I got into bed last night I started thinking about my recovery. I don’t think I can stay in this situation and not be driven to either drink or turn into a raging dry alcoholic.

The Early Days-Final chapter

After our break-up I began going out, partying, dating and drinking  non-stop. I knew I wanted to get married and have children but I assumed that it would simply happen. I guess I assumed that on one of my frequent nights out I would meet the ONE. That didn’t happen.  I dated a few people but they were all casual. Nothing significant or long term. By mid 2004, I was growing tired of the scene and had gained 70lbs. I felt like hell and looked even worse. That year I spent Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. The day after Thanksgiving some friends came over and for some reason I decided to start drinking early in the day. I think I justified it by saying it was a Holiday weekend. I must have drank 2 bottles of wine in quick succession. All I remember is we went out to lunch and as soon as we got to the restaurant I went into the bathroom to vomit. I spent the majority of the time in the bathroom and eventually went out to the car to pass out. We had planned a shopping trip after lunch but I was in no condition to go. My sister took me to her house and I went upstairs to sleep it off. I woke up around 7pm and ventured downstairs. My nephew was 4 at the time and I remember how concerned he was about me. My sister told him I was sick so he offered me his blankie and asked if I wanted soup. We shared a can of soup then I helped my sister give him a bath and went back to bed. I woke up around 3am in the midst of an anxiety attack. I remember thinking with absolute clarity that if I didn’t stop drinking I would never get married or have children. I also knew that I was killing myself with alcohol. I was 30 years old and my father died of alcoholism at 32. I was terrified of going down that same path. I vowed to stop drinking and get my personal life back on track. I’m a highly functional alcoholic so I had been able to hold down my job and even advance in my field while drinking. That has continued to this day but my personal life was a mess, and still is.

I stopped drinking and joined the gym. I didn’t join AA or any other organization because I didn’t think I had a problem. I felt as though I had gotten out of hand but could curb back my drinking, practice moderation and things would be ok. Before long I started feeling and looking much better. It took about 1 year but I managed to lose 75lbs. I didn’t drink at all while I was actively trying to lose weight but once I hit my goal I allowed myself the occasional glass of wine or cocktail. I was no longer part of the night life so drinking to excess seemed pointless, especially when I thought about all of those empty calories.

Life was going good. I felt as though I had my whole life ahead of me and anything was possible. I started dating a little but it was kind of hard to find single men to date. I never date people I work with and decided to extend that to the gym after I had a bad experience with dating someone I met at the gym. My New Year’s Resolution for 2006 was to try online dating. I was determined to put myself out there. I really wanted to get married and have a family.  I set up and online dating profile and starting dating. I met H in March 2006. On our first date we met for appetizers/drinks. He seemed like a nice enough guy, easy on the eyes, good job, etc. He was very quiet though. It was difficult to engage him in conversation. At times I felt as though I was pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. I remember driving home thinking that I was never going to hear from him again. I assumed that he wasn’t that into me and didn’t think much more of it. The next morning I was very surprised to receive an email from him. He thanked me for a wonderful time and asked me out on another date. Now, this is where I should have realized that we would probably be better off as friends. I’m a big talker the fact that he made it very clear he’s not should have been a red flag but it wasn’t. We dated exclusively for the rest of the year. I was high on love and wore my rose tinted glasses 24/7. In October 2006 he proposed and I accepted. It was official. I was about to have everything I’ve always wanted. I was very happy and our future together seemed very bright.