12/12 meeting

I really enjoyed my meeting this evening. I decided to attend a meeting about 1 minute away from my house as opposed to going to my women’s meeting. The women’s meeting is about 15 minutes away and lasts 1 ½ hour. The meeting down the street was an hour. It was a 12/12 meeting. The first I’ve ever been to and I LOVED it. A woman I had met at another neighborhood meeting was there. I met her one other time and she was very welcoming. We ended up staying 30 minutes after the meeting and talking. I told her a little bit about my situation, especially the part about being reluctant to leave the kids home with H. It’s hard for me to focus on the meeting when I’m watching the clock and wondering if the kids are ok with H. She mentioned that she has a daughter in High School who babysits frequently and that it would be no problem for her daughter to watch S so I could attend meetings. She acknowledged that we had just met but gave me her phone number, told me to call anytime, offered to meet me at meetings if I liked and said that I could go over to her house to meet her daughter and get to know her family better so I might be comfortable leaving S there.

I never did call her but I have thought about it many times. At tonight’s meeting we celebrated her 10^th birthday. She asked me to be the one to give her the cake. I was honored and very touched. I’ve been thinking about getting a sponsor and working the steps. I think she might be a good fit. I’m going to give her a call and ask her to meet me at a few meetings before making a definite decision. I’m also looking forward to meeting her daughter. It will be great if  her daughter babysitting S works out. Even if she doesn’t end up sponsoring me.  

Needless to say, I am feeling much better. The urge to drink is gone. The meeting was just what I needed. It feels really good to be sober tonight.  

End of my rope

It is a beautiful day here today. The events of last night (which I’ll get to in a minute) have been weighing heavy on my mind. I hoped walking around outside during my lunch break would help clear my head. It helped a little bit. I’m grateful for that.

Last night was my women’s book study meeting. I have about 20 minutes from that time I get home until I have to head out to the meeting. I spend that time changing out of my work clothes into jeans/t-shirt, setting out S pajamas (H won’t put them on her unless I set them out) and then figure out something easy that H can prepare for the kids should he feel like it although usually he can’t be bothered and ends up ordering in. We had lots of leftovers from the weekend so I figured he could warm whatever the kids felt like eating. H had his friends over for a drink fest Saturday night. A few people spent the night and so they all proceeded to drink Sunday away too. On a side note, I NEVER noticed how bad hungover people smell. Two people in particular, a couple whom I actually quite like, made my entire living room reek. I suppose it doesn’t bother them since they both stink and therefore they cancel each other out but WHEW! I almost gagged out loud a few times. I tried to stifle the noise but it was almost impossible. I feel like gagging just thinking about it! Anyway, in between drinking they ordered breakfast, lunch and dinner from various places near our house. They hardly ate anything though. Honestly I think the only reason food was ordered at all was because I wanted to make sure my children ate and I was not about to be cooking for a house full of people.

H comes home, I brief him on the dinner situation, SHOW him where I’ve laid out S’s pajamas otherwise he won’t put them on her, kiss the kids and leave for my meeting. The meeting is from 6:30 and it’s about an hour. I chatted after the meeting with another woman I know from Wednesday’s Women’s meeting, wrapped up 2 cupcakes to bring to my kids and drove home. When I’m home we eat by 6:45-7:00, I give S her bath and by 8pm we are usually lounging on my bed. I read to her or we watch a cartoon together. 8:20 I help her brush her teeth and put her to bed by 8:30. Even when I was drinking this was my routine.

I got home a little after 8pm and walk in to find S sitting on the living room floor by H (who is passed out on the couch) eating candy out of her Halloween bucket and watching some reality cop show. Next to her Halloween bucket of is a half empty bottle of beer. She runs to me and asks for some juice to drink. I look back at the beer and wonder if she drank any of it. I pick her up and smell her breath. I don’t smell anything. I know she wouldn’t have swallowed much, if any at all. One time she took a sip of my d.coke and the carbonation/taste freaked her out. She let it dribble back out of her mouth and down her blouse. We go into the kitchen where I find the boy eating ice cream. I ask the boy what his dad warmed for dinner. He tells me that they haven’t had dinner yet. Suddenly I want a drink in the very worst way. I push that thought aside and go about feeding my kids, give S the quickest bath ever and put her to bed. I walk back to the kitchen and notice that H has come to. He is sitting up watching tv as though he wasn’t just passed out cold and NEGLECTING his children. I’ve learned from experience not to bother asking him how much he had to drink. He drinks at work so by the time he gets home there is no telling how many he’s already had. Plus he’s a liar. He’ll say that all he had was the lone half beer that is still sitting there. What’s more, if he would have remembered to throw the bottle away before passing out he’ll deny that he had anything to drink at all. I walked up to him and simply requested that he put the beer some place where S can’t get to it the next time he’s drinking. There’s no point saying anything else.

Now I’m conflicted about going to my meeting tonight. I hate the thought of leaving the kids in his care. That’s also why I’ve let him get out of sharing the responsibility of the children 50/50 which is what got me here.  The anger and resentment at having to do everything by myself.  All of the time. I know I’m not doing him any favors by enabling him to ignore his responsibility to his kids but when I try to force him into helping the kids are the ones who suffer. He’ll ignore and neglect them or he’ll be mean and short tempered with them. I hate this. All I want is to do right by my kids which starts with getting sober and staying sober but it’s hard when I feel as though I can’t take the time out to work on myself and my recovery.  I get home and am triggered all over the place to drink. I’m still feeling those triggers, I don’t see the point of going to the meeting tonight when I’m just going to come back to the same situation and the triggers are going to simply get stronger.

The other part of it, the hardest part for me is that once I’m sober and start building a new life it’s just going to be S and me. I can’t take the boy with me when I leave. I’m his step-mother. His bio mom passed away when he was born. I came into his life when he was 5 and I am the only mom he has ever known. I’ve asked H if I could adopt the boy but he always refuses. I have no legal ties or claims to him. Never the less, he is MY son and I am HIS mom. It kills me to think of leaving him, of separating him and S. She adores her big brother and he adores her just as much. They have so much fun together. You would think the age difference would be a factor in that but it isn’t. I can’t even imagine the damage I would do to the boy both emotionally and psychologically if I were to abandon him and take his sister with me. I can’t do that to him. I won’t.

I just feel so hopeless right now. I feel as though things are never going to get better no matter how hard I try. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel as though I am at the end of my rope and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. Right now it feels so much easier to let go and have a drink. I won't though. I'm going to resist the urge. I'm going to pick up dinner for my kids on the way home and then head out to my meeting. 

Deja Vu

Last night I felt as though I had been sent back in time to when I first started realizing the type of man I had married. The feelings of intense shame at being treated poorly and the anger that followed the shame felt so very familiar. On one hand it’s been a while since I felt that way but yet the feelings came flooding back as if it happened yesterday. I have been using avoidance and increasingly alcohol to numb my feelings when forced to deal with H. That is no longer an option with my program of sobriety and recovery. I don’t want to be a Dry Drunk so I’m trying some of the techniques I’ve learned in recovery such as, Live and let live, Let go of the outcome, Keep your side of the street clean, etc. I’m trying really hard to work on myself and on the part that I play in my marriage.

Since it’s a school/work night I decided to pick up a pizza on the way home from work. I got home about 15 minutes before H and the boy. S and I sat down to eat, when H and the boy got home they weren’t hungry so I cleaned up S and put on her costume. I tried engaging H in conversation but he seemed to be in a bad mood. I asked him if he was coming trick or treating with us and he said yes but his tone and body language said different. Usually I would have read into that and got upset at his attitude. We would have gotten into a big argument with me insisting that he didn’t really want to join us and him insisting, “I said I was going, right!?” Eventually I would have taken the kids alone and been angry while he sat home enjoying the football game. Not this time. I ignored the tone and body language. I walked away to gather up the kids and began to lock up the house. I returned to the bedroom where he hadn’t moved and was still watching the football game. I told him the kids and I were ready to go. He didn’t say one word nor acknowledge me.  I called his name. He still ignored me. I walked over to him and said, “We are ready to go” he gave me a condescending look and said, “I know. I heard you the FIRST time” Now once again, usually I would have asked him why he didn’t acknowledge me if he heard me and we would have gotten into a fight. Eventually I would have taken the kids alone and been angry while he sat home enjoying the football game. Not this time. I simply walked out of the room and went to wait for him on the front porch with the kids. After a few minutes I went back inside to get a bottle of water from the kitchen. He’s in there serving himself a piece of pizza. I tell him that we are waiting for him and he says, “What are you talking about? I’m ready. I’ve been waiting for you” At this point I am beyond irritated and that’s when the sense of déjà vu starts. I’ve been here before. I’ve done this crazy dance with him. I don’t want to do it anymore.

Once again I go outside to wait with the kids. H comes out and starts walking down the driveway towards the street. At the driveway he turns left and starts walking down the sidewalk. Completely ignoring us. Meanwhile I’m trying to put S in her wagon and call for him to wait a minute. He ignores me and keeps on walking, passing by houses with kids trick or treating. The boy runs to catch up with him and I trail behind pulling S in her wagon. I stop at the houses giving candy and the boy comes back to join us. H remains a few houses before us. He kind of slows when we stop but starts walking again when we do. He still hasn’t said a word to us. S is thrilled that she’s getting candy. Every time she gets candy she screeches with joy, does a little jig then yells for me and H to look at what she got. “mama!! Candy!!”…..”dada! Candy!”  she yells as she holds up her Halloween bucket and navigates past the other kids back to her wagon. I smile at her and take a peek in the bucket, how can I not? She’s freaking adorable. The past 2 years she didn’t really get the whole trick or treat thing. This year she’s all about it. I taught her to say trick or treat and we’ve been playing trick or treat at the house for weeks. During all of this my heart hardens as H continues to ignore us and not once responds to S when she calls out to him. I HATE it when he does that. I get it, he’s bugged because he obviously feels that I dragged him out. What I don’t get and I probably never will is why he has to take it out on our kids. This nonsense continues for a few blocks then I get tired of lifting S out of the wagon at each house, putting her back in, walking to the next house, taking her out, putting her back in. I walk as fast as I can and catch up to H. I ask him to pull S. He takes the handle from me and starts walking up the street. Once again he’s passing by all of the houses giving out candy. I’m trying to keep up and ask him why he isn’t stopping. He ignores me. I ask him again, a little louder this time. No response. Finally I holler for him to STOP. He walks a few paces then stops, almost like an after thought. By this time I’m livid. I ask him point blank why he is ignoring me. Naturally, he denies it. The kids are looking from me to him and although I suspect the boy knows what’s going on since both times I asked his father a question he looked at his dad waiting for a response then would look back at me. S simply looks confused and I see her trying to figure out why I’m upset all of a sudden. I decide to drop the subject and we head home.  My head was pounding. I was hurt and angry that H would go out of his way to be a jerk and deliberately spoil the evening.

As I got into bed last night I started thinking about my recovery. I don’t think I can stay in this situation and not be driven to either drink or turn into a raging dry alcoholic.

The Early Days-Final chapter

After our break-up I began going out, partying, dating and drinking  non-stop. I knew I wanted to get married and have children but I assumed that it would simply happen. I guess I assumed that on one of my frequent nights out I would meet the ONE. That didn’t happen.  I dated a few people but they were all casual. Nothing significant or long term. By mid 2004, I was growing tired of the scene and had gained 70lbs. I felt like hell and looked even worse. That year I spent Thanksgiving with my sister and her family. The day after Thanksgiving some friends came over and for some reason I decided to start drinking early in the day. I think I justified it by saying it was a Holiday weekend. I must have drank 2 bottles of wine in quick succession. All I remember is we went out to lunch and as soon as we got to the restaurant I went into the bathroom to vomit. I spent the majority of the time in the bathroom and eventually went out to the car to pass out. We had planned a shopping trip after lunch but I was in no condition to go. My sister took me to her house and I went upstairs to sleep it off. I woke up around 7pm and ventured downstairs. My nephew was 4 at the time and I remember how concerned he was about me. My sister told him I was sick so he offered me his blankie and asked if I wanted soup. We shared a can of soup then I helped my sister give him a bath and went back to bed. I woke up around 3am in the midst of an anxiety attack. I remember thinking with absolute clarity that if I didn’t stop drinking I would never get married or have children. I also knew that I was killing myself with alcohol. I was 30 years old and my father died of alcoholism at 32. I was terrified of going down that same path. I vowed to stop drinking and get my personal life back on track. I’m a highly functional alcoholic so I had been able to hold down my job and even advance in my field while drinking. That has continued to this day but my personal life was a mess, and still is.

I stopped drinking and joined the gym. I didn’t join AA or any other organization because I didn’t think I had a problem. I felt as though I had gotten out of hand but could curb back my drinking, practice moderation and things would be ok. Before long I started feeling and looking much better. It took about 1 year but I managed to lose 75lbs. I didn’t drink at all while I was actively trying to lose weight but once I hit my goal I allowed myself the occasional glass of wine or cocktail. I was no longer part of the night life so drinking to excess seemed pointless, especially when I thought about all of those empty calories.

Life was going good. I felt as though I had my whole life ahead of me and anything was possible. I started dating a little but it was kind of hard to find single men to date. I never date people I work with and decided to extend that to the gym after I had a bad experience with dating someone I met at the gym. My New Year’s Resolution for 2006 was to try online dating. I was determined to put myself out there. I really wanted to get married and have a family.  I set up and online dating profile and starting dating. I met H in March 2006. On our first date we met for appetizers/drinks. He seemed like a nice enough guy, easy on the eyes, good job, etc. He was very quiet though. It was difficult to engage him in conversation. At times I felt as though I was pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. I remember driving home thinking that I was never going to hear from him again. I assumed that he wasn’t that into me and didn’t think much more of it. The next morning I was very surprised to receive an email from him. He thanked me for a wonderful time and asked me out on another date. Now, this is where I should have realized that we would probably be better off as friends. I’m a big talker the fact that he made it very clear he’s not should have been a red flag but it wasn’t. We dated exclusively for the rest of the year. I was high on love and wore my rose tinted glasses 24/7. In October 2006 he proposed and I accepted. It was official. I was about to have everything I’ve always wanted. I was very happy and our future together seemed very bright.

The Early Days Part 3

So my ex and I got back together. I knew in the back of my mind that he didn’t believe that nothing happened between me and MP but like I mentioned before I was afraid to bring it up. I was happy we had gotten back together and I didn’t want to rock the boat. We got back together in November 2000 and at first things seemed fine. Little by little I started noticing that he was withdrawing from me. During our break-up I had started reaching out to friends and resurrecting neglected friendships. Once we got back together he always seemed busy so I began spending more time going out with my friends and drinking. The times we would get together he would always cut our dates short and refused to spend the night with me or be intimate. Occasionally I would insist that he come to my house and when he resisted I would tell him that I was going over to his house. He would relent and come over but he never seemed to want me at his house. One day before Christmas I was in his car and looked through his glove compartment. I found a receipt that had two identical women’s perfume sets. We used to do our Christmas shopping together so I knew that he had already gotten gifts for the women in his life, mom, sister, grandmother, etc. I suppose I must have known then that he was cheating but I refused to acknowledge it. I put the receipts back where I found them and didn’t say anything to him.

 That New Year’s Eve we were supposed to go out. I was determined to go over his house and spend the night. He was supposed to pick me up around 8pm so we could go out for New Year’s I don’t even remember what story I concocted but I do remember that I went early hoping to ‘catch’ him. He was surprised to see me and went off to shower. When he returned he asked me to leave his room so he could get dressed. He said something about it being inappropriate to his father whom he lived with. I thought that was odd. By this time we had been together for over 4 years and I had spent numerous days/nights at his house. His father had never had a problem with it before. I didn’t want to start a fight so I agreed. I went and sat in the living room with his father. His father and I chatted for a bit. I don’t remember the exact conversation but I remember getting the distinct impression that his dad thought his son and I had broken up. He mentioned that it was nice for me to come around again and he hoped to see more of me. I remember feeling shocked as the realization dawned on me. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to confront X because I knew it was true and didn’t want to have to face the thought that he had been cheating on me. After a bit his dad offered me a drink. You know, it being New Year’s Eve and all. He gave me this really stiff drink and I remember downing it and the whiskey burning my throat. His dad quickly refilled my glass and I drank that one too.  At some point X came out of the room and said he was ready to go out. By this time I was feeling tipsy and just wanted to sit at his house and drink until it didn’t hurt anymore. I was trying my hardest to deny what was right in front of my face. I don’t remember much of that night except I threw up in the bathroom sink and clogged it. Why I didn’t throw up in the toilet, I have no idea.

From that night on I spent all my time either obsessed with catching him cheating or drinking to try and forget that he was cheating on me. I managed to figure out his voice mail code and I’d check his messages all day while at work. When I got home I would get drunk and continue checking his messages into the early hours of the morning. I felt like crap and was hung over every day. I hit pay dirt on February 14. I randomly checked his messages from work after returning from lunch. There was a msg from this girl and she was thanking him for being a great boyfriend. She went on to tell him how much she enjoyed their special V-Day date the evening before. She also said that she was bummed he had to work on Valentine’s Day but looked forward to him coming over after his shift. Now, this guy did not work nights but it made sense that she would think that. How else was he supposed to explain his nightly absences!? Once again I was devastated. I listened to that msg over and over. Finally I recorded. I wanted to confront him and knew that without ‘evidence’ he would simply deny it and continue to lie to my face. He came over as planned that night and I played the msg from him. Naturally he lied. He said that he always get’s weird messages left on his answering machine, that I was being silly, that he would never cheat on me. I ended up throwing him out of my house and vowing never to speak to him again. True to my word, I refused to speak to him. He tried numerous time to contact me but I blocked his number and asked to switch my work phone number. After a while he stopped trying.

As for me, I cried, went out all the time and drank heavily for the next approx. 9 months. I still have friends that I met during that time and they’ve often commented, “I remember you were ALWAYS crying when I first met you. I’d see you at parties and clubs and you would be crying. It was weird” After a while I began to get over the heartbreak. It stopped hurting as much. The crying stopped but going out and drinking heavily continued until November 2004.

Edited to add: I thought about this as I was getting S ready to go trick or treating last night. For the next few years after my ex and I broke up I would dress up as Deenie Loomis from Splendor In The Grass for Halloween.

Whew!

I made it. I managed to stay sober. It was very hard. H invited some friends of his over to hang out and drink beer. I didn't feel comfortable leaving S here with him while I went to a meeting. Missing tonight's meeting after I had been looking forward to it increased my impulse to drink. The urge was so strong I wanted to climb the walls. It was so very uncomfortable. Finally I decided I was letting alcohol have way too much space in  my mind. I needed to just get over it. I wasn't going to drink and that was that. I banished the thought from my head. I poured a tall glass of ice water an went to my bedroom to read a new magazine that arrived a few days ago. Before I knew it the craving had passed. It's gone. I don't have one single impulse or desire to drink. It's wonderful!

Friday meeting

I want a drink. I’m trying to figure out what’s triggered the obsession. Last night H went to the bar with the guys. I had hoped he would stay home so I could go to a meeting but naturally he refused. Being home alone with the kids while H goes out is one of my main triggers. I felt slightly triggered but it wasn’t bad. It was more of an annoying thought in the back of my mind. I ignored it. I carried on my evening as usual. Ordered pizza, colored with S, helped the boy with his homework. Then we watched a DVD of Halloween cartoons. Occasionally I would have ice cream as my treat/reward for not drinking but I didn’t even feel that was necessary. I was fine, I didn’t really have to struggle not to drink. Which why today’s obsession is a bit surprising although it shouldn’t be. I’m dealing with alcohol. Cunning. Baffling. Powerful.

I tried a new meeting last Friday. It was ridiculously close to my house and I met many wonderful people there. I’m looking forward to that meeting tonight. I could really use a good meeting today.

The Early Days Part 2

When we got back together things were much better between us. I think the time apart made us appreciate each other more. Our relationship coasted along, we began talking about marriage. He was 3 years younger than me and working while attending college at night. He wanted to wait until he graduated before getting engaged, I was ready for him to put a ring on it. He promised me we would get married and asked me to be patient. I agreed. Here is where the details get kind of fuzzy. I never did find out the exact chain of events that led to yet another very painful break up.

October 2000. I went over to his house one day. A neighbor had just been released from jail. As we left his house he said he was going to run across the street and say hi to the neighbor that had just been released. I got in the car and waited. He came back a few minutes later and we left. He spent the night at my house and I remember hugging and kissing him goodbye the next morning. Fall has always been my favorite season and I remember that it was a beautiful crisp fall morning. I started to get ready for work and just as I was about to leave he called me. He wanted to know if I knew some guy. I had no idea who he was talking about but he was insistent that I knew this person. Finally realization dawned on me. My heart dropped. He was asking about that one guy (MP) I had gone out with 2 years prior when we had broken up. I told him the truth. Yes, I knew who he was talking about but nothing happened. It was just a few dates. Nothing more. He became hysterical. He was crying and asking how I could do that to him. He kept insisting that I had cheated on him with his ‘homeboy’ he said I broke the ‘code’ and now he could never be with me again. Now I became hysterical. I kept trying to get him to listen and understand that NOTHING HAPPENED. Plus we had broken up and I had no idea he knew him. I would never date a friend of his. Round and round we went. Eventually he hung up on me and when I tried to call him back his number had been disconnected. He obviously called me with the intent to break up with me then hang up knowing I had no way to call him back since he changed his phone number. I was devastated, again. I didn’t see or speak to him for about a week. Although I tried. I drove to his house repeatedly and waited for him. He never showed up. Finally I caught him at home and he wouldn’t let me past the front gate. We were both upset and arguing loudly. I begged and pleaded for him to let me explain but he wouldn’t hear of it. I was so angry and hurt that I tried to hit him. I’ve never hit anyone in my life so it was one of those feeble girl hits. I tried to pound on his chest, I think. He avoided my fists and grabbed a hold of my wrists in attempt to calm me down. At this point it was about 9pm at night and someone must have called the police when they heard us arguing. The police had crept down the street with their lights off and saw me raise my hand and our scuffle. They quickly turned their lights on and told me to back away from him. The officers separated us. The woman spoke to me and the man spoke to him. I remember been scared out of my mind. I knew I was going to jail for assault. My ex lived on the bad side of town and the police in those parts did not play around. The female officer reprimanded me, told me that I was going to be arrested. I simply sobbed. There was nothing I could say. I had hit him. Then the officers switched and the male office came to talk to me. He was more sympathetic. Apparently my ex had told him that it was a misunderstanding and pleaded with the officer not to arrest me. The office said he could arrest me but had decided not to as long as I went straight home and didn’t come back to start any more trouble. He asked me where I lived so he knew I lived on the other side of town. It would be no problem for me to stay away. I thanked him for sparing me and got into my car. They followed me for a few blocks to make sure I was headed home then turned around. I drove home and sobbed. I was in so much pain. I couldn’t stand it. I wanted to die. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all day, every day. Slowly word spread through my friends and family that I was in a very bad way. They rallied around and the solution seemed to be in going out and drinking. Everyone hated the thought of me home alone crying so I had people offering to come over to hang out or to take me out on the town every night of the week. The plan somewhat backfired because I found every single time I would drink I would end up a crying mess. That didn’t last very long. I got tired of being a crying mess so I would still go out but I wouldn’t drink. I was afraid to. I was trying very hard to put on a brave face and move on. Breaking down into a blubbery mess was not part of that plan.

Within a month, sometime in November we got back together. He said he decided to give me a 2^nd chance. He still didn’t believe that nothing happened with (MP) but I was so happy that we were back together I didn’t push the issue. I should have. I see that now. I should have made it very clear that he needed to trust me and believe me when I said that nothing happened. Otherwise a relationship between us would never work.

~I suppose now would be a good time to explain what happened that Fall morning he left my house. He drove home and the friend who had just gotten out from jail (Jail Guy) went over to talk to him. Apparently that guy (MP) I went out with was a friend of Jail Guy and had gone over to visit him that day he got out of jail. MP noticed my car pull up and he recognized me. He told Jail Guy that he had gone out with me. I’m not sure what the details were but I can only guess that MP alluded to much more than what really happened. Since Jail Guy had been out of the loop he decided to ask my ex about it. That Fall morning Jail Guy asked my ex a bunch of questions about our relationship. My ex not knowing where he was headed answered him but left out some details. Mainly that we had spent 6 months apart. I get it. He’s a guy. They don’t necessarily tell guys stuff like that so Jail Guy was led to believe that I had cheated on my ex with MP. Once again I have no idea what was said after that but it couldn’t have been good. I’m guessing that’s where the ‘guy code’ entered the conversation. At some point he changed his telephone number and called me~

So here we are mid November 2000 and we are back together. I was ecstatic. I had missed him so much and now we were back together. We had weathered the storm and came out on the other side a stronger couple and more in love than ever. The love of my life was by my side again. Everything was going to be ok. I just knew it.

Restaurants

I had a nice time last night. I usually go to my home meeting but H offered to take the kids and I to dinner. I love going out to dinner since that means that I don’t have to cook so I jumped at the offer. I was looking forward to an evening out. That lasted about a minute. Then I remembered that I don’t drink anymore. My anxiety kicked in. Thoughts of how it used to be raced through my mind, a drink or two before leaving for the restaurant then another 3 drinks while there. I had it timed perfectly. As everyone ordered their drinks I would order my glass of wine or cosmo. I would order a second drink either when the wait person would bring us our food or come over tell us it would be coming out shortly. I would order a third drink at the point where most wait staff would ask if the food was ok or if there was anything else we needed. It was all a carefully timed act as far as I was concerned. Now the thought of going to dinner sober and staying that way throughout the meal was making me crazy. I thought of various scenarios of how I could slip in a drink. I thought about having just one drink before the restaurant but order nothing there, or not have any before the restaurant and a glass while there.  I thought about throwing this whole sobriety crap out the window. I don’t have a problem. I can drink like everyone else. But wait. I do have a problem and sure I could drink like everyone else as long as everyone we are referring to are alcoholics.

I took a few deep breaths and decided to stay in the moment and take it hour by hour. I still had my commute home ahead of me. No point thinking about drinking when there was nothing I could do about it in that moment. I was stuck in traffic for pete’s sake. Then I had to pick up my son from school and help him finish his homework before we left for dinner. Then I had to give S a snack so she wasn’t too hungry at the restaurant. Once that was done I had to wash her up, change her clothes and comb her hair. Next I had to freshen myself up. I told myself I had too much to do. I didn’t have time to drink. It worked! Before I knew it H picked us up and we were off to the restaurant.

We went to the local steak/rib restaurant. There was one fleeting moment as the waitress took our drink order that I considered ordering a drink. I ignored the impulse and ordered a diet coke. When the time came to order our meal I didn’t even entertain the notion of a drink. I ordered the beef ribs with a baked potato and corn on the side. Everything was delicious. When we got home I put S to bed then took a shower and settled into bed to read for a bit. It felt good to end the evening clear headed and knowing that I stood sober, even when I thought I couldn’t. The best part is I went to sleep and had another drinking dream but for the first time ever I refused the drink! I know it’s just a dream but I woke up refreshed and feeling proud of myself. I can do this.  

The Early Days Part 1

I started drinking when I was 18 and went off to college in San Diego. The legal drinking age is 18 in Mexico so we’d go there often.  Most bars had Ladies Night (free) including all you can drink just about every night. At the time I don’t remember drinking much or being drunk, getting hangovers. What I do remember is that I hated dancing while holding a drink. I felt the same way about carrying a purse. I have a thing about carrying lots of stuff. When I had  my daughter 2 years ago I got a stylish diaper bag that didn’t look like a traditional diaper bag and designated a couple of compartments for my stuff. I didn’t want to carry around a purse and a diaper bag. So back in my night club days I’d usually go to the bar/nightclub with a bunch of girls and we’d all dance together so there was no one to leave my drink with. I was very aware of the dangers of leaving my drink unattended. Most of the girls would simply dance while holding their drink, not me. I’d down it. At the time my drink of choice was midori sour and being free it was lean on the midori heavy on the sour. The years passed and I moved back home.

I entered a long term relationship in Summer of ’95. Neither one of us drank much. Socially we’d have a drink or two when out together or with a group. Over time we experimented with different types of alcohol. I got tired of being laughed at for ordering a ‘girls drink’ and he wanted to try something besides beer. I should probably mention that our relationship was terribly dysfunctional. We loved deeply, fiercely and viciously. We were both extremely codependent on each other. We didn’t live together but would spend just about every night together. Once we were in bed I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I was breathing the same air he was. Literally. I would put my face as close to his as possible and time my inhale with his exhale. I loved the thought of breathing air that had been inside of him. I often used to tell him that I wished he had a zipper in his chest so I could crawl in there. I wanted to sit inside of him, next to his heart all day long. That was during the good times. During the bad times we fought like cats and dogs. We were very immature. It was our first real relationship. He had major trust issues and I was too immature to realize that, much less be sensitive to it. We didn’t have the skills to negotiate a healthy relationship. Every little disagreement or misunderstanding would get blown way out of proportion. We broke up and got back together a few times. Most break-ups lasted a few days, maybe a week. One time we broke up for almost 6 months. That’s when I first started using alcohol to numb my feelings. I was used to always getting back together and thought we always would. This time I wasn’t so sure and that realization devastated me. That’s when I started using alcohol to numb my feelings. I started going out and drinking the night away. During this time I met some guy and we went out a few times but my heart wasn’t in it. I was still nursing a very big heartbreak.  Eventually we patched things up and got back together.

Sadness

Last night as I was about to drift off to sleep this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair washed over me and I started crying. I felt so SAD. Actually I am very sad. Typing this out is making me cry. I thought I had come to terms with my marriage and accepted it for what it is but I haven’t. The lack of companionship, intimacy, having a partner to share my life with and sleeping alone every single night is obviously something that still hurts me very deeply. The funny thing is, I would have expected to feel like having a drink but I didn’t. At this moment I still don’t feel like having a drink. The thought didn’t even occur to me last night. I was able to stay in the moment and feel the sadness. After I stopped crying I said the Serenity Prayer a few times and asked God to hold me in the palm of HIS hand and guide me in the right direction.

I woke up still feeling the sadness and despair but not quite as overpowering. I felt comforted that I didn’t hurt as much as last night. It helps remind me that “this too shall pass”

Coincidentally I’ve planned all week to check out an Acceptance Candlelight Meeting tonight. So that’s the plan, don’t drink and go to the acceptance meeting tonight.  I can’t think of a better way to spend my evening.

Slip

I slipped this weekend. Friday H was triggering me like crazy. Let me just give you an example of the kind of the kind of behavior I’m talking about. For starters H never answers my phone calls. He always lets it go to vm and if I leave a msg ASKING him to call me back he’ll usually call me back when he feels like it. Sometimes I send him a text asking him to call me and same thing, he’ll call me back when he feels like it. As I was driving home on Friday (my commute is about an hour each way) I was thinking about stopping to get S new shoes. My mom had bought her a dress for the baptism but she needed shoes since she’s outgrown her other dress shoes. I was going to drive 20 minutes past our house to the mall when I remembered a little shoe store on the way home. I couldn’t remember the exit on the freeway since I had only been there once and that was about a year ago. The exit for the store also happened to be the exit for H old job. Traffic wasn’t too bad and I was getting close to my anticipated exit. I called H and after one ring it went to vm. I called him back 2x hoping he would answer and tell me which exit to get off the freeway. Finally I left a msg and sent him a text. He calls back about 10 minutes later and I begin to ask him the name of the street exit when he cuts me off with impatience in his voice and told me the name of the street in a rude tone. I tried to suppress my annoyance, especially since we had just passed the exit as I answered his call. I simply asked him why he was unable to answer my call earlier. He response was to hang up on me. Mind you, this is normal interaction as far as he’s concerned. He’s told me repeatedly that he “doesn’t like to be asked questions” so when/if I ask him anything about what he’s doing or where he’s at he simply hangs up on me. If I ask him in person he ignores me and walks away. It irritates the hell out of me. It makes me feel as though I’m bothering him or asking him something really unreasonable when in reality I’m not. I know it’s his way to trying to put me in my place so I get to the point where I no longer ask him anything and most times it works. I’ve learned not to ask him anything EVER but sometimes I do, like on Friday and he always acts the same exact way. I know people have to set boundaries but how do you set a boundary about something like that? Don’t hang up on me or else? Or else what? I won’t call him anymore? I rarely do as it is. I know, I won’t ask him questions anymore! But wait, I’m his wife. I should be entitled to ask him simple questions, right? WRONG. Not according to him. It’s very frustrating. Just thinking about this is making me want a stiff drink.

Anyway, we had a couple of similar incidents over the weekend. He broke plans with me and the kids at the last minute. I was upset and let him know that I don’t appreciate it when he cancels plans at the last minute. Especially because I feel as though when it’s his family or his friends event he always has the time and money to do whatever it is but yet when it comes to my family/friends then he either has to work or suddenly we don’t have any money. So I went to the baptism on my own and I managed not to drink. I was able to sit there with my family while the beer, wine and champagne flowed freely. After a bit I decided to step outside for some fresh air. I text H to see how his day was going. I let him know about all the alcohol around me and was hoping for some encouragement. When he didn’t respond to my text I called him about an hour later and basically said the same thing on his vm. He didn’t respond and instead of focusing on ME and MY RECOVERY I started dwelling on the state of my marriage. I let all the hurt and resentment bubble up to the surface. On the way back from the baptism I stopped at the drugstore to buy Kleenex for S. Naturally that was just an excuse to stop at the store. I knew all along I was going to buy alcohol. I bought a bottle of liquor and went home to have a drink. I had 3 stiff drinks then dumped the rest of the alcohol down the drain before going to bed. I  was determined to only drink that one night so I didn’t want any alcohol in the house the next day. I woke up feeling tired and thirsty but it passed quickly. I’m not ashamed that I drank but I am sad that I drank. I want so much for things to be different but they aren’t. I know drinking will only make my situation worse but it’s difficult for me to deal with it. Especially since I’ve used alcohol to numb my feelings for the entire duration of this marriage. 

I can do this.

I did it! I made it through last night without one drop of alcohol. At one point I was really obsessing about the drink but I busied myself with making dinner for the kids. Once dinner was served and we had all eaten the obsessive feelings subsided. By the time I gave S a bath and put her to bed I was actually glad that I was able to overcome the impulse and not drink. It felt good to pour myself a nice tall glass of ice water, get into bed and read for a while before going to sleep. I woke up feeling a bit tired. I probably shouldn’t have stood up as late reading. However the tired feeling passed once I was in the shower. We left the house at 6:20am, I dropped off S and was sitting her at my desk right at 7:30.

I’m planning on going to a women’s meeting tonight at 6:30pm. My nephew is being baptized tomorrow and it’s also his 1^st B-day party. The party is being held at the park after his baptism and although there is no alcohol allowed at the park my family will ignore the law and have plenty of beer and spirits. Camouflaged in red cups, of course. In my drinking days I would have a Starbucks cup, the kind they serve iced tea in, filled with a cape cod. If you were to see it you would simply assume I was drinking a passion fruit iced tea from Starbucks.  Few years ago before I graduated to stronger drinks I would get a coke slurpee from 7-11 and throw in some Bacardi. WOW, now that's something. I consider Bacardi and coke a LESS STRONG drink that a cape cod which in reality is the same thing. The only difference is in the preparation. Less Bacardi, more slurpee and later my drink of choice was more vodka less cranberry juice. Although towards the end I would simply mix the vodka with Raspberry flavored Crystal Light.

I’m mentally preparing myself for a rough weekend. I haven’t told anyone aside from my H, my mom and an aunt who has been sober for almost 30 years that I’ve quit drinking. I’m going to take it hour by hour, minute by minute if I have to this weekend. I know I never have to take another drink again. I don’t want to drink.. I can do this.   

Take what you need and leave the rest.

Last night at our women’s meeting the topic was “What has AA given to you” or if you are new, like me, then the question was “What do you hope to gain from AA”  You know, I had never really given that much thought. I knew going into this that I wanted to stop drinking. I knew AA was the way to do that, although I wasn’t sure how but I have faith that it will happen as long as I don’t take that first drink and keep going to meetings. Most of the women shared what they had gained from AA, and most of the women gained stuff that I haven’t lost due to drinking. Yet. The stuff they gained ranged from a relationship with their kids, many had teens and young adult children who had witnessed their alcohol addiction and were hurt and angry about it to being grateful that they were off the streets and no longer needing 60-70 beers a day. One other newcomer shared that although her 2 older children had been taken away she came to the meeting from a court hearing where her 4 month old daughter was going to be put back in her care. All of these stories were heartbreaking to hear. As it always is when I hear some of these women share. Although they’ve achieved sobriety and are living richer, more fulfilling lives the lingering pain and sadness over their past choices and mistakes is evident in their voices. Most of what they describe is so foreign to me but yet it’s easy for me to imagine myself going down that same road eventually if I hadn’t decided to quit drinking. I think I’m learning the meaning of “take what you need and leave the rest”

So tonight is H weekly evening “out with the guys” which also happens to be one of my toughest nights to retain my sobriety. Last time I tried I fell off the wagon. I’ve been sober since but I’m worried tonight might be a repeat of last time. I still have the same old resentment towards H about leaving me home with the kids while he’s off having a great time. I’m going to try with all my might not to let it get the best of me. I don’t have to drink, I know that. As long as I don’t take that first drink I will be ok. I’m going to take it hour by hour this evening, minute by minute if I have to. I have a women’s call list and plan on using it if the temptation becomes too great. Wish me luck.

Home meeting

Tonight is my women’s meeting and I am really looking forward to it. I’m probably going to make it my home meeting. This was the first meeting I ever went to. Initially I felt very out of place. Well what did I expect it was my FIRST AA meeting. Right!? But that wasn’t it. As I sat there and listened to other women share I couldn’t identify. I really wanted to feel as though someone there, anyone Got Me. The group was a mix of old-timers and newly sober. Most of the newly sober were currently inpatient and their stories didn’t resonate with me. There was one old-timer who celebrated her 31 b-day that night but I grew disenchanted with her because she didn’t appear to be paying attention or being very respectful. She repeatedly checked her phone, texted and had side-conversations during the meeting. I guess I expected more. I’ve heard that one of the most important things to do in AA is sit down, shut up and LISTEN. After the meeting I decided to continue looking for a home meeting. The next night I went to another women’s meeting a few towns over. I felt as though I had more in common with these women and I really identified with this one woman’s share. Although I felt comfortable at that meeting I decided to continue trying out other meetings before deciding on a home meeting. Although now that I think about it, I have no idea why I decided I MUST commit to finding a home meeting.

So it’s been over 2 weeks and I’ve tried a new meeting just about every day and you know what? Although I felt the most comfortable at the meeting a few towns over I think I’m going to stick with my original meeting. Let me explain why.  As far as appearances go I look very ‘put together’ I’m good looking, I have a good job, make a very decent salary, drive a nice car, have a husband, kids, own a nice home in a nice neighborhood with a swimming pool, etc, etc,etc. At every meeting the people I met were all very friendly and welcoming to me. However when I gathered up the courage to share my story I began to see something else. I could literally see people’s perception of me change. Alcoholism is steeped in feelings of shame and unworthiness. It’s these feelings of not being good enough that drive us to drink and keep us drinking. As I shared I began to see surprise in their eyes that me, someone who looked like she had it ALL felt and did the same things they did when in the grip of a drinking binge. I may have gotten into the meeting by a different route but we had all traveled the same path into the downward spiral of alcohol addiction. They say in AA to take what you need and leave the rest. I’m hoping that the women in the meeting who are inpatient will take from my share that they too can have it all. Being an alcoholic doesn’t mean you are worthless or can’t achieve any measure of success in life. The Alcoholism elevator goes one way, straight down but you can chose to get off at any floor. This is my floor and I’ll be waiting for them on the other side.

Dreams make it easier to live.

Let me start off by giving you some background to my situation. I’ve slept alone for the past year or so. I’ve gotten used to it and I actually kind of like it. It’s nice to have a big comfy bed all to myself. Especially since when H was sleeping in the same bed as me we rarely if ever cuddled much less move onto anything physical or intimate. It’s one of the loneliest feelings to be in a marriage, in the same room/bed/house and feel all alone. It sucks. Sleeping with H had gotten to the point where I was nervous and anxious to be in the same bed as him. Heaven forbid I got too close to him or *gasp* accidentally touched him. He’s act all put out and bothered. When he eventually started sleeping on the couch every night I breathed a sigh of relief. It was exhausting to be in the same bed together but yet be so far away emotionally and mentally. Once or twice a year he’ll ‘visit’ my bed, usually after he’s been out drinking with the guys. He basically wants to be ‘serviced’  I oblige mainly because I don’t feel like getting into a discussion about why I feel his request is inappropriate and rude to me as his wife and a woman. It’s a discussion that we have had numerous times in the past and he never gets it. But then again, maybe he does and just doesn’t care about me or my feelings. Who knows? Either way it’s very infrequent and not worth fighting with him over it. I mostly just wish he’d hurry up so I can go back to sleep. Naturally after his ‘visits’ I wake up the next morning to find him back on the couch.

Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve begun to have very vivid dreams of being in love and being loved in return. I’ve had them a few times a week and in most of my dreams the man in the dream isn’t someone I can remember ever meeting. Maybe he’s my subconscious ‘dream’ man, if you will. Sometimes we make love but mostly he’s affectionate to me, tells me he loves me, treats me like I’m someone special to him. I’m ashamed to admit that sometimes these dreams are the only things that get me through the days. Although it’s just a dream I wake up content, happy and somehow feeling loved. I look forward to going to sleep every night in the hopes that I’ll have another wonderful dream about being loved. It’s even helped to keep me sober on some nights, just knowing that if I drink I won’t have one of these beautiful dreams much less remember it the next day.

Back in college my roommate was in LOVE with Luis Miguel. She used to play his cd over and over and over. I’ve never been a big fan but can appreciate his music. His voice is very seductive. Although I was mad at him for a long while after he broke Mariah’s heart and caused her to go off and lost her mind. Barefoot and broken pottery everywhere. Anyway, this song that I hadn’t heard of his much less thought of popped into mind. I leave you with this song.

Resentment

In most of the literature I have read about recovery it states RESENTMENT is a biggie when it comes to relapses. That was the case for me on Saturday evening. I’ve always hated when H goes out and leaves me home with the kids. He always uses the excuse that “we” don’t have a babysitter but that’s not what he means. He means that “I” don’t have a babysitter since he feels comfortable using me as his babysitter. He has a son from a previous marriage who’s biological mother is not in the picture. I’m not going to get into THAT let me just say that I am the only mom he has ever known. Remember when I mentioned H having an ulterior motive for wanting to marry me? Well his son was the motive. He wanted a mother for his son and a wife for himself but he’s never wanted to be a father to his son or a husband to me. Am I angry about that? Heck yes! Resentful? You have no idea… I tried telling myself I didn’t care, that it didn’t hurt and that I would have more fun at home with the kids (which was true) but I was still angry. I felt the old familiar resentment and anger at being left home with the kids as usual. I suppose I could have called someone from my AA call list and that might take the edge off the urge to drink but I KNEW that I would still be angry and resentful. Going to a meeting was out of the question since I didn’t have a babysitter! So I made a decision. I took the easy way out. I decided to drink to numb the feelings. I did not want to ‘do the work’ and stay sober. I didn’t want to sit there with the anger and resentment eating away at me. I wanted a drink to dull the edges of hurt and disappointment. It did the job. I nursed my drink, made cookies with the kids, ordered a pizza, and watched Muppets Take Manhattan on DVD. I didn’t over do it on the alcohol, made sure to eat and drink water between drinks. I put the kids to bed at 9pm, showered and went to sleep. I didn’t wake up with a hangover. Although I was/am disappointed that I have to change my sobriety date. Now I just need to figure out a plan for the next time this happens, because I know it will. Just because I’ve decided to stop drinking and make a better life for myself and my kids doesn’t mean h is going to be any different than he’s always been. I don’t want to relapse the next time he leaves me alone with the kids….

Back to Day 1

Day 1. I've reset the counter and I'm going to stay sober. No drinking.

Planning the drink.

Sobriety out the window.  Although I haven't taken a sip of alcohol yet. I'm going to. I've already poured my drink but I wanted to post this first. I knew it was over when I went to the store to buy a bottle of 7. I guess you can say I'm throwing myself off the wagon. I'm not even trying to talk myself out of the drink or using the tools I learned in AA. I'll quit again tomorrow.

It's a progressive disease...

So my drinking started to escalate after I got married. My H decided that its "wasn't right" for his wife to drink. What a hypocrite. The entire time we dated (one year) he never mentioned how he really felt. Once we got married he started spending lots of time at the bar and I was usually home alone. I realize now that he was simply trying to be the person he thought I wanted so I would marry him. He had an ulterior motive but I'll save that for another day, another post. He reverted to his usual self once we were married. Hence, stopping at the bar after work everyday, criticizing me for drinking and going out with 'the guys' on the weekends. Initially I cried, begged, pleaded, bargained to try and get him to come home at a decent hour and spend time with me but nothing changed. After a while I figured, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"  I was 33 when we married and my days of going to bars and hanging out all evening were long gone. Instead I started drinking at home while cooking dinner and then a night cap or two. Fast forward 4 years. Our daughter was now 2 and my drinking had escalated. I was now up to a pint of vodka and a bottle of wine every evening. H was still coming home with beer on his breath and going out without me on the weekends and I drank to deal with the loneliness and sadness. Finally, I got tired of drowning my sorrow so I quit. This is my 2nd weekend sober and H just told me that he's going out with 'the guys' this evening. I want a drink in the worst way. I don't even really want to drink but I don't want to sit here and deal with my feelings. I'm going to try though. I'm going to take it hour by hour, minute by minute if I have to but I am not going to drink today.