I’ve been meaning to update this blog for a while now. The time has literally been racing away from me. The day after my last post I signed up for an 8 week computer certification course. It’s been keeping me very busy. Luckily since I’m unemployed (wow, never thought I’d ever say that) the state is picking up the cost. Although I’m very familiar with the programs we are covering being ‘certified’ in this particular computer program will certainly give me an edge when applying for jobs.
Things have been going ok on the sobriety front. I seem to hit a wall around the 2 week mark and drink. Last time was no different. Although I managed to get through the funeral I ended up having 2 glasses on wine the following Sunday afternoon. H and I met 2 other couples for lunch. These couples are drinkers and we’ve spent many, many occasions drinking together. I didn’t feel like dealing with the questions that would arise if I didn’t drink and frankly a glass of wine sounded good. True to form after the 2nd glass I started thinking about a 3rd. I wondered if anyone else would join me for another or raise eyebrows. I hoped someone else would suggest another, etc, etc. You know the drill. My obsession surrounding alcohol appeared. Before I could act the waitress brought over the bill. I was relieved to have the decision taken from me. On the way out the other 2 couples were making plans to meet up later. H and I couldn’t go because we had to pick up the kids. The couples were discussing what they were going to drink later. They discussed continuing with wine or switching to margaritas. For a split second I wished I was able to join them. We said our good-byes then H and I came home.
By the time I got home the alcohol had begun to leave my system and I realized, once again that I do not want to drink. It’s very hard to stop once I start. My obsession is too strong. Moderation would not work. The only solution is total abstinence.
I haven’t had a drink since and as an added incentive I gave up alcohol for Lent. I’ve always managed to maintain my Lenten sacrifice. Although I’ve never given up alcohol before. We shall see how it goes.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
First one.
I went to my first sober funeral today. The old familiar obsession/compulsion to drink was not there. I am incredibly grateful for that. I'll admit that I thought about drinking but it was just that, a fleeting thought that passed through my mind then it was gone. Tomorrow is the actual burial service with a celebration of life luncheon after. It's going to be a booze laden event but I'm not worried. I'll be fine. I'm firm in my commitment to be sober. Drinking isn't going to make the situation less painful. In fact drinking is only going to make me feel worse. While the service this evening was difficult I'm very glad that I was able to stay sober for another day.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Mission Accomplished
I didn't drink. The obsession/compulsion to drink was in full force all day today. Even while I was at the mall I wasn't safe. I actually thought about going into a restaurant in the mall. I figured I would order S dessert and have a glass of wine. I managed to resist the impulse. When we got home the obsession to drink resurfaced. I decided to bake another orange pound cake. As I gathered the ingredients I realized that I was short on flour. I drove to the local grocery store and as I walked in I started to think how good the freshly squeezed orange juice I had prepared for the pound cake would taste if I mixed it with champagne instead. I didn't even pause to consider the option. I didn't come this far to give in now. I bought the flour and headed home. I baked my pound cake and shared a piece with S before putting her down for the night. Now I'm off to bed. It feels great to be sober!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Fighting the compulsion.
Plans changed so instead of going to a friends house for the big game H decided to have his friends come here. There isnt a lot of people here but there is tons of alcohol and everyone is drinking. I find myself thinking about drinking. I'm not going to do it though. I may not have much sobriety behind me yet but sober is what's I want to be so drinking is not an option. The plan is to head to the mall with s. I have a few gifts from Christmas that I still need to exchange. I also have a coupon for a buy one get on free pretzel from the mall food court. I'll snack on my pretzel while S plays in the kiddies section at the mall. By the time we get back home the thought of drinking will be a distant memory.
Drive down memory lane.
I enjoyed myself at both parties today and I didn't drink. It wasn't hard at all to refuse alcohol when offered. I'm not sure what prompted the change but I'm grateful for the reprieve from obsession/compulsion to drink.
The parties were in the same area, roughly about 90 miles away from where we live. I refuse to drive if I've been drinking but I'm ashamed to admit that I have no problem with getting in the car with him if he's been drinking. Earlier in the week H had suggested we rent a room. He figured we would both be drinking and knew the burden of driving would be on him. Since I knew I wouldn't be drinking I offered to be the designated driver. About 5 miles away from home the freeway was closed unexpectedly for repairs. Everyone was forced to exit the freeway and follow the detour route by street. As I drove along I realized that I was going the same route I would take when I was drinking daily. My routine was to stop on my way home from work to buy vodka and then finish it off before I reached my freeway exit. Since this was a daily routine I did not want to stop at the same liquor store every day. I was worried the clerk might think I was an alcoholic! For some reason I find that to be funny now, especially since I AM an alcoholic. Anyway, I soon figured out every liquor store on my route home and would alternate the stores I stopped at. It's also worth noting that although I refused to drive AFTER drinking I saw nothing wrong with drinking while I was driving. I would wait until I had about 2 miles to go and would down the equivalent of about 4-5 drinks. I'm a binge drinker, obviously. I told myself that it didn't count as driving while intoxicated since the alcohol would begin to affect me as my drive home ended.
As I drove home tonight and remembered the various lengths I had gone to just for a drink it saddened me. The compulsion/obsession to drink followed by the despair and self loathing was terrible to remember. It was horrific when I lived it day after day. There is also a part of me tonight that is very grateful that I am no longer in that place. Those days are gone and I'm going to do everything in my power not to have to go there again. I want to recover. I will recover.
The parties were in the same area, roughly about 90 miles away from where we live. I refuse to drive if I've been drinking but I'm ashamed to admit that I have no problem with getting in the car with him if he's been drinking. Earlier in the week H had suggested we rent a room. He figured we would both be drinking and knew the burden of driving would be on him. Since I knew I wouldn't be drinking I offered to be the designated driver. About 5 miles away from home the freeway was closed unexpectedly for repairs. Everyone was forced to exit the freeway and follow the detour route by street. As I drove along I realized that I was going the same route I would take when I was drinking daily. My routine was to stop on my way home from work to buy vodka and then finish it off before I reached my freeway exit. Since this was a daily routine I did not want to stop at the same liquor store every day. I was worried the clerk might think I was an alcoholic! For some reason I find that to be funny now, especially since I AM an alcoholic. Anyway, I soon figured out every liquor store on my route home and would alternate the stores I stopped at. It's also worth noting that although I refused to drive AFTER drinking I saw nothing wrong with drinking while I was driving. I would wait until I had about 2 miles to go and would down the equivalent of about 4-5 drinks. I'm a binge drinker, obviously. I told myself that it didn't count as driving while intoxicated since the alcohol would begin to affect me as my drive home ended.
As I drove home tonight and remembered the various lengths I had gone to just for a drink it saddened me. The compulsion/obsession to drink followed by the despair and self loathing was terrible to remember. It was horrific when I lived it day after day. There is also a part of me tonight that is very grateful that I am no longer in that place. Those days are gone and I'm going to do everything in my power not to have to go there again. I want to recover. I will recover.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
I chose recovery.
Today was rough. I struggled with my sobriety for most of the evening. Almost all of the triggers I felt were due to H. Now, I know that I cant always blame him for everything but in this instance it really does come down to him and his attitude towards me.
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.
On the bright side I didn't drink today!
I've struggled in this marriage from pretty much the day we got married. As time went on I tried and tried everything I could do salvage our marriage. Eventually I began to treat him as poorly as he treated me. That only made me feel worse. I get no satisfaction by being hurtful or disrespectful, even when the person is that way with me. Ultimately I decided not to fight fire with fire. I decided that I was not going to treat H poorly nor was I going to let him make or break my spirit. From then on I treated him with kindness and respect. When he would treat me poorly I would not fight back or retaliate. I would simply tell him that his behavior was unacceptable and that I refused to let him treat me poorly. Over time we both settled into our own corners. We ceased to communicate or have much interaction with eachother. Basically he ignores me. He doesn't say bye when he leaves, when he returns or.anything in between. Its as if I do not exist. I continue to ask him on a daily basis how he's doing, inquirer about his day, etc. He either responds curtly or he asks me point black to "be quiet and stop bugging him because he just wants to relax" those are his exact words and they hurt. They make me want to grab a stiff drink. So now I feel as though I have a decision to make. Either I continue beating my head against a brick wall by speaking to him and giving him the opportunity to hurt me which in turn triggers me to drink or I simply ignore him the way he has been ignoring me. I'm in a no win situation with this marriage but I want to succeed at recovery. Something has to give and it has to be this marriage. I want to recover and its extremely diffucult to fight my own obsessive thoughts about drinking in addition to the various triggers I get from dealing with him.
On the bright side I didn't drink today!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Feeling good.
Thursdays have notoriously been my rough days. It's the day H always goes out with the guys and leaves me alone with the kids. I have tons of resentment about it. I dealt with that resentment by ordering in and drinking the night away. Today was different. Although the thought of alcohol entered my mind I didn't feel the obsessive compulsion that I have felt on previous Thursday's. I was able to ignore it. In the absence of the compulsion to drink I noticed I felt on edge and irritated. I didn't want to drink but I wanted to do something. I felt like I was climbing the walls. All of these possibilities came to mind. I thought about going shopping, taking the kids to get ice cream, anything just to get out. The problem was I didn't really want to do any of those things, nor did I really have the money to do them. I decided to start dinner and was looking out the window while I thought about what to make with the chicken I had defrosted. I noticed the neighbors tree is hanging over into our yard and heavy with ripe oranges. I decided to make citrus/orange marinated chicken and orange pound cake for dessert. I LOVE to cook and instantly felt better. I gathered some oranges after I set the chicken to marinate S and I sat outside and ate oranges. They were so sweet and juicy. It was such a simple joy to sit with my baby girl and eat oranges. The marinated chicken and orange pound cake we had later weren't too bad either! I'm so glad I was able to stay sober today. It feels great.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I need to get out of my own head.
Today has been fairly uneventful. I thought about drinking once or twice this evening but I ignored it. So far the obsession/compulsion hasn't reared it's ugly head. That's a relief. I've also been thinking about this weekend. The past few times I tried to stop drinking I felt myself dreading the weekend, especially if it was a weekend where I knew our plans included places where alcohol would be prominent. This weekend we have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. As with pretty much every party I go to, there is always plenty of alcohol. Sunday, obviously is Super Bowl and we are invited to another booze laden affair. This time around I'm not the least bit concerned. I feel confident that not drinking will not be an issue for me. Although the confidence I'm feeling about being able to not drink is a bit concerning. Wow, talk about a catch 22. I'm probably just over analyzing the whole thing. I'll be fine.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Back from Vacation
First things first, I drank while on our Disney Cruise last week.
Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.
Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.
Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.
Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.
Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.
We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.
Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.
Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.
Sunday: One strawberry pina colada at the Bon Voyage Deck Party. I don't really care for them, they don't have enough alcohol to affect me therefor not worth the calories. When it comes to fruity, surgary drinks I used to say that with the ratio of alcohol to calories I'd get fat before I got drunk. H offered me one and I figured why not. It's not like it's going to 'affect' me. So I drank it and counted it as desert.
Monday: Day at sea. Hung out with S at the pool, saw a show, went to dinner. I thought about drinking but ignored the impulse and it passed.
Tuesday: Puerto Vallarta. Spent the day at a resort. It was all you can eat and drink. I had 2 margaritas before lunch, soda with lunch, 2 margaritas after lunch. I was debating on having another when I realized it was time to start getting ready to head back to the ship. I put the thought out of my mind and focused on getting our stuff together and getting the kids changed. As we waited in the lobby to board the bus H chatted up our guide. The guide mentioned that H could take beer onto the bus. H asked me to go back to the bar area and get him 3 for the road. I went back and couldn't resist getting another margarita. I honestly didn't want it but being powerless over my addiction forced me to order one. I took a few sips but once we boarded the bus it was difficult to hold my drink and hold S. I asked H to hold it for me but he gave me attitude about it. He didn't feel like holding it for me and threatened to throw it away. I told him to go ahead. He threw it away and that was the end of that. I had soda for the rest of the evening.
Wednesday: Day At Sea. I've only mentioned H once so far but I'm sure it's clear that he was his usual insensitive jerk self. He repeatedly left me with the kids to do adult themed activities, refused to help with S, refused to join us for the family themed events and went out every night to the ship's nightclub. I was very annoyed and irritated with him by this time. We were sitting by the pool and I told him I was going to the ladies room. I usually have to take her with me since he refuses to watch her while I'm gone. He says he 'CAN'T' be responsible for or watch 2 kids at the same time. Like I said, he's a complete jerk and an idiot. I forced him by telling him that I had diarrhea (which was a lie) and therefor needed to go alone. Reluctantly he agreed. I took my kindle and went to hide out in the ADULT ONLY pool. While there I decided to have a drink. It was about 2pm. I ordered a long island iced tea and the bartender was very surprised. He said very few, if any ladies can handle that drink. He asked me if I was sure that I wanted one. He's an idiot too. I assured him that I can handle it but insisted that I sip it very slowly and never have more than one. I was a bit embarrassed by then but paid for my drink and walked off. I found a lounge chair and relaxed. Naturally when I finished my long island I wanted another. Since there was only one bar in the adult area and I was too embarrassed to order another one I went back to the kiddie pool. H believed my story about being sick, he didnt question the length of my absence. He also never bothered to ask how I was feeling. I stuck to soda the rest of the day.
Thursday: Cabo San Lucas. It was my first time and I loved it. It's simply beautiful. I'm going to save my money and go back. Without H, of course.
We had another all you can eat/drink at a resort planned. I had 3 mararitas. Later I had 2 cosmopolitans with dinner.
Friday: Cabo San Lucas. I had one margarita and 1 shot of tequila with lunch. H wasn't able to finish his shot so I drank half of his. At dinner I ordered their drink of the day. Something called a tuxedo. I wasn't even in the mood for a drink so I ordered a soda also. I didn't really care for the taste so after one sip I drank my soda with my meal. I would have downed it eventually but towards the end of the meal our waiter told H that he wasn't going to charge us for the drink since he figured I didn't like it since I hadn't drank it. So that was that. I didnt drink it.
Saturday: Day at sea. By this point I was really starting to feel the effects of drinking every day. I was tired, irritable and feeling remorseful over drinking. I didn't enjoy anything more because I drank. If anything it took away some of the enjoyment. I already knew that was the case but I drank anyway. I tried not to be too hard on myself. Although I guess you can say I was successful at moderating. I didn't overdue it or get drunk but the bottom line is I do NOT want to drink. So in my eyes I failed. Saturday was my day 1. Again.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tired of the lies
I posted a while back about slipping. I ended up taking swings of vodka from a bottle H keeps in the garage. The bottle was half full but once I was done with it there was maybe a shot or two left. The next day I was ashamed and upset about the amount I had drank. I made a mental note to replace the alcohol. I did not want H to know I had drank his vodka. The reason I say HIS vodka is because H is possessive to the point of stingy with everything. Money, food, alcohol, toiletries, you name it. It bugs him when I use HIS lotion. It took me ages to realize that he places his toiletries a certain way on his side of the bathroom sink so he can tell if I used something of his. It's ridiculous but most things are when it comes to H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.
Anyway, H told me today that he is having poker night this evening here at the house. Immediately I thought of the vodka. I never got around to replacing it. I thought about coming clean to H. I really wanted to. I'm tired of the lies and secrecy surrounding my alcoholism. I want to put it out in the open. I don't want to be prisoner to my alcoholism but yet this is H we are talking about. He'll argue with me over some stupid lotion so there is no doubt that he will want to argue over the alcohol. What's worse is he will use my inability to remain sober as ammunition. That is one argument that I refuse to have with him so I went to the store and bought a smaller bottle of vodka and filled the original bottle to where it was and threw the rest away. I wasn't even tempted to drink it. I just hate that on top of my struggle with drinking I struggle daily in my life with H.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Cherry Limeade
I haven't had a drink since New Years Day. I'm slowly inching my way towards 2 weeks of sobriety. As I mentioned before, its been very difficult for me to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks. Predictably I want a drink. No, I take that back. I do NOT want a drink. I never want to drink again but yet the obsession/compulsion to drink is there. I hate it. I had a lovely day. S and I met up with a friend of mine so our girls could have a play date. Later we went to lunch. It was nice catching up with my friend for some much needed girl talk/adult conversation. This evening is quite nice as well. H is out so it's just the kids and I. I ordered my favorite piazza for dinner and washed it down with root beer. Now we are snuggled in out pj's watching Up, our new favorite movie. But yet my mind keeps wandering to alcohol. I dont want a drink, I dont need a drink. I'm fine without alcohol but this damn obsession/compulsion simply will not leave me alone. My addiction is trying to wear me down. It wants me to think I want a drink when I know I don't. I'm not going to give in. I can do this. I'm going to mix myself some cherry limeade with lots of crushed ice. That beats alcohol any old day!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Lets get caught up.
Its been so long since I posted that I don't even know where to begin. I don't want this to get too long so I'll focus on the highlights.
1. I'm still struggling with my sobriety." I drink less often and less than I used to but I haven't been able to stay sober longer than roughly 10 days at a time.
2. I celebrated my 38th birthday with my kids and close family. H was not interested in joining us and I didn't press the issue. I wasn't angry about it, mainly embarrassed. I couldn't pretend that everything was ok with us. His absence made it obvious that things are NOT ok between us
3. New Years Eve was spent here at home. Friends came over with their kids. At midnight we counted down then popped champagne. H came over and gave me an awkward hug, no kiss. It was weird but felt "right" somehow.
4. I havent found a job yet.
5. Our vacation/cruise is coming up and I am not looking forward to it. H planned it with this other couple and he'll pretend like everything is ok between us and expect me to do the same. I'm not going to worry about it though. The cruise is geared towards kids so I know my kids and I are going to have a blast!
1. I'm still struggling with my sobriety." I drink less often and less than I used to but I haven't been able to stay sober longer than roughly 10 days at a time.
2. I celebrated my 38th birthday with my kids and close family. H was not interested in joining us and I didn't press the issue. I wasn't angry about it, mainly embarrassed. I couldn't pretend that everything was ok with us. His absence made it obvious that things are NOT ok between us
3. New Years Eve was spent here at home. Friends came over with their kids. At midnight we counted down then popped champagne. H came over and gave me an awkward hug, no kiss. It was weird but felt "right" somehow.
4. I havent found a job yet.
5. Our vacation/cruise is coming up and I am not looking forward to it. H planned it with this other couple and he'll pretend like everything is ok between us and expect me to do the same. I'm not going to worry about it though. The cruise is geared towards kids so I know my kids and I are going to have a blast!
I've got smarts real good!
By George she's got IT!!!
I am without Internet access so I haven't posted. Ive been trying to blog on my kindle fire but couldn't figure out how. I think I got it now. I hope. Let me try to post this. If it works I'll be back with an update. Here goes nothing.
I am without Internet access so I haven't posted. Ive been trying to blog on my kindle fire but couldn't figure out how. I think I got it now. I hope. Let me try to post this. If it works I'll be back with an update. Here goes nothing.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I'm stupid, didn't you know?
I hate to take a victim role. I've never seen myself as being weak or letting anyone step all over me. I can hold my own but yet in my marriage I tend to back down. Not for me. I back down for my kids. Although I think I'm setting a good example by not responding to verbal assaults with verbal assaults and by trying to take the high road. I refuse to be dragged down to any one's level. I feel as though I'm doing what's right for my kids sake but yet it doesn't feel very good. Especially when I'm trying to comfort my son by minimizing the statements/verbal assaults of his father. I worry about the message it sends to my son and later to my daughter when she's old enough to understand.
My daughter woke up crying at 3am this morning. I got her and put her into bed with me. She tried to go back to sleep but was obviously uncomfortable and in pain. I took her to urgent care at 8am when they opened. Come to find out that she had a bladder infection. If you've ever had a small child you needed to get a urine sample of, I don't need to tell you how difficult and upsetting it is. She hated the procedure and I hated subjecting her to the procedure. Once we got a positive diagnosis and picked up her prescription it was 11am. My daughter and I had been up for 7 hours. We were exhausted. Once we got home I gave her the 1st dose of antibiotics and made her soup for lunch. After lunch we settled into my bed to watch cartoons and rest. She was asleep within 10 minutes. She slept until 5pm when I woke her up. We were both feeling groggy and out of sorts. I fed her yogurt and she drank juice then decided to bake cookies. I figured warm cookies and milk would give her some comfort. H came home by 8pm. I had already fed the kids dinner and was baking the chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile I logged onto the internet so S could watch her favorite cartoon while I finished up in the kitchen.
We've had our laptop for over 4 years. There are a few keys missing, the 'control' & 'delete' and 'up' key. Today as S watched her cartoon she allegedly pushed more than one key down on the key board. That caused the 's' & '7' key to pop out. H came storming into the kitchen where I was washing dishes to yell about S and claim that she was solely responsible for ALL of the missing keys. He said lots of not very nice things about S and my performance as a mother. I didn't take very kindly to that. I agreed with him when he said that we shouldn't leave her alone to watch cartoons on the computer. Even though I didn't leave her ALONE. H was less that 2 feet away from her. How can he suggest that I left her ALONE? We got into an argument about it and he went on to call me stupid for bringing up the fact that the laptop was old and the fact that I didn't leave her alone. At the time I was in shock and hurt that he would call me stupid. I may be lots of things but I am NOT stupid. I'll admit that I got caught up in the argument. He called me stupid and I disputed his name calling but I also told him that if his definition of stupid was standing up for my daughter and refusing to let him blame her for the entire demise of his computer than so be it. By this time I was crying. Then I noticed the boy had left the room. We were in the living room and I had just served him milk and warm cookies from the oven but he was nowhere to be found. I found him in his room, sobbing his head off. Obviously the argument had upset him. Right fully so! H has always expressed a desire for me to treat the boy as my own and I always have. How could I not love a young motherless boy who wanted a mom? I was a woman who always wanted kids. It was a match made in heaven. But yet H thinks nothing of insulting that same woman who his son has learned to love as his true mom. I'm the one who tends to him, I take care of him, I love him and I'm the one who is there for him unconditionally. I never speak ill of H. The boy is old enough to see the discrepancies between his dad's words and actions. Call me stupid or enabling but when the boy asks me about the discrepancies I never say a negative word. I'll even go so far as to say I make excuses or enable H's behavior.
So this evening when H was on a rampage about the old ass computer I tried to ignore him but it was hard. I knew without a doubt that S was not solely responsible for all of the missing keys.When I voiced my opinion it seemed to give H a renewed thrill. He called me stupid for suggesting it wasn't all S's fault. Then he went on to say that I had called him stupid, first! When I pointed out that I hadn't called him anything, merely stated my opinion he insisted that by stating my opinion I was calling him stupid. I disagreed. According to him, by disagreeing that made me ever stupider!
At that point I realized it was pointless to continue the discussion. I left the room to put the kids to bed. I came back and asked him to refrain from insulting me in front of the kids because it was very upsetting to them. He laughed in my face and suggested that we call the boy into the room. He said, "ask him what he thinks. He's going to say that he thinks you are stupid too" What a low blow. Now he's using my son to try and hurt me? There is no truth to his words but they hurt just the same.
My daughter woke up crying at 3am this morning. I got her and put her into bed with me. She tried to go back to sleep but was obviously uncomfortable and in pain. I took her to urgent care at 8am when they opened. Come to find out that she had a bladder infection. If you've ever had a small child you needed to get a urine sample of, I don't need to tell you how difficult and upsetting it is. She hated the procedure and I hated subjecting her to the procedure. Once we got a positive diagnosis and picked up her prescription it was 11am. My daughter and I had been up for 7 hours. We were exhausted. Once we got home I gave her the 1st dose of antibiotics and made her soup for lunch. After lunch we settled into my bed to watch cartoons and rest. She was asleep within 10 minutes. She slept until 5pm when I woke her up. We were both feeling groggy and out of sorts. I fed her yogurt and she drank juice then decided to bake cookies. I figured warm cookies and milk would give her some comfort. H came home by 8pm. I had already fed the kids dinner and was baking the chocolate chip cookies. Meanwhile I logged onto the internet so S could watch her favorite cartoon while I finished up in the kitchen.
We've had our laptop for over 4 years. There are a few keys missing, the 'control' & 'delete' and 'up' key. Today as S watched her cartoon she allegedly pushed more than one key down on the key board. That caused the 's' & '7' key to pop out. H came storming into the kitchen where I was washing dishes to yell about S and claim that she was solely responsible for ALL of the missing keys. He said lots of not very nice things about S and my performance as a mother. I didn't take very kindly to that. I agreed with him when he said that we shouldn't leave her alone to watch cartoons on the computer. Even though I didn't leave her ALONE. H was less that 2 feet away from her. How can he suggest that I left her ALONE? We got into an argument about it and he went on to call me stupid for bringing up the fact that the laptop was old and the fact that I didn't leave her alone. At the time I was in shock and hurt that he would call me stupid. I may be lots of things but I am NOT stupid. I'll admit that I got caught up in the argument. He called me stupid and I disputed his name calling but I also told him that if his definition of stupid was standing up for my daughter and refusing to let him blame her for the entire demise of his computer than so be it. By this time I was crying. Then I noticed the boy had left the room. We were in the living room and I had just served him milk and warm cookies from the oven but he was nowhere to be found. I found him in his room, sobbing his head off. Obviously the argument had upset him. Right fully so! H has always expressed a desire for me to treat the boy as my own and I always have. How could I not love a young motherless boy who wanted a mom? I was a woman who always wanted kids. It was a match made in heaven. But yet H thinks nothing of insulting that same woman who his son has learned to love as his true mom. I'm the one who tends to him, I take care of him, I love him and I'm the one who is there for him unconditionally. I never speak ill of H. The boy is old enough to see the discrepancies between his dad's words and actions. Call me stupid or enabling but when the boy asks me about the discrepancies I never say a negative word. I'll even go so far as to say I make excuses or enable H's behavior.
So this evening when H was on a rampage about the old ass computer I tried to ignore him but it was hard. I knew without a doubt that S was not solely responsible for all of the missing keys.When I voiced my opinion it seemed to give H a renewed thrill. He called me stupid for suggesting it wasn't all S's fault. Then he went on to say that I had called him stupid, first! When I pointed out that I hadn't called him anything, merely stated my opinion he insisted that by stating my opinion I was calling him stupid. I disagreed. According to him, by disagreeing that made me ever stupider!
At that point I realized it was pointless to continue the discussion. I left the room to put the kids to bed. I came back and asked him to refrain from insulting me in front of the kids because it was very upsetting to them. He laughed in my face and suggested that we call the boy into the room. He said, "ask him what he thinks. He's going to say that he thinks you are stupid too" What a low blow. Now he's using my son to try and hurt me? There is no truth to his words but they hurt just the same.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Heavy Heart
Sorry about the absence. I've had a really rough week. I was trying to maintain my denial and did not want to blog about what I was going through because then I would have to face reality. Last week was H's birthday. The kids and I made him a cake, planned a dinner and bought him a gift. He wasn't interested in the dinner we planned so he changed the plans on us. Ok. Fine. I was bothered but I didn't want to make a big deal about it. Not for his sake but for my kids. When we got home he "wasn't in the mood for cake" so we didn't light any candles or sing for him. Honestly I couldn't care less about it but our kids were looking forward to it. Even S who is too young to understand much knows all about birthdays. When I tell her it's someone's birthday she'll sing "Happy, Happy" a few times and then end it by blowing a big gust of wind. I didn't even bother mentioning the present. I gave the kids dessert and put them to bed. The next day evening went out with "the guys" to celebrate his birthday. I ordered pizza for dinner then the kids and I watched A Muppets Christmas on tv. I thought about drinking a few times but I was so angry at H that I wouldn't entertain the notion. He's not worth drinking over.
Around 3am that night H came into our room and got into bed with me. It's been months since he slept in our bed so it woke me up and startled the hell out of me. I've gotten into the habit of sleeping in the middle of the bed so I scooted over and prepared to go back to sleep. He spooned me and started rubbing my arms and legs. I'll spare you the details but you can imagine what he wanted. I was in shock. As I've mentioned before I sleep alone every night and at best we've been intimate 2 or 3 times since 2009 and not once this year. Initially I resisted his advances. It felt unfamiliar and very strange to have his hands on me. I was tempted to ask him to get out of my bed but the truth is it felt nice. I hate myself for feeling that way and I'm ashamed to admit it but I started this blog anonymously so I could/would be honest and that is the truth. I liked him being in my bed. I know there is nothing wrong with being intimate but I hate that someone who treats me so bad could make me feel so good. What's worse is that I let him. He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near me, much less in my bed. Anyway, what struck me later about the encounter was he never told me that he loved me. That should have given me a clue.
The experience was ok physically but empty emotionally. The next morning he cuddled with me and was acting like the old H. The one I fell in love with and agreed to marry. I was on cloud 9. I know, I'm a fool. Although I wouldn't dare admit it to myself but some part of me started thinking that things were going to get better between us. I don't know what happened to give H a change of heart but I truly wanted to believe that he had a change of heart. I never really figured out what made H change from the person I fell in love with to the man he became. Cold, bitter, mean, insensitive and indifferent towards me. It felt as though it happened overnight and I was willing to believe that the change back would be possible overnight too. We chatted about the upcoming day and I suggested we take the kids to the movies. He agreed. Shortly after that we got up and went about our day.
I was so happy, I felt loved and was positive that things would be better and continue to get better from then on. Like I said, yes I know I'm an idiot. I approached him about out movie plans and he made a face and said in an annoyed voice, "I'm watching football. You take them" Ok fine. Once again I didn't want to make a big deal about it mention that he had told me that he would join us. The kids and I headed out. When I got back I sat down next to him on the couch and attempted to tell him about the movie and wanted his input on dinner. He basically kept his eyes on the tv and ignored me. The old H was back but I REFUSED to believe it. I thought that if I explained that the change in his behavior from earlier that morning was confusing and hurtful to me we could talk about what was going on with him. I was hoping we would have a discussion like normal, rational people and come to some sort of mutual understanding/arrangement that worked for both of us. I was hoping he'd finally be open to listening to me and attempt to understand how his actions affect me. Wrong. He refused to acknowledge any change in his behavior. I told him that after a while I get used to sleeping alone and his indifferent attitude towards me. After a while it doesn't hurt as much but when he plays these games with me all of the hurt comes flooding back. Then I have the added pain of feeling like a fool for letting him hurt me yet again. He told me that I was crazy and imagining things.
Once again, I hate to admit this because I feel like such a stupid fool but I was crushed. My heart ached. I cried off and on for the rest of the week. I was so hurt by his treatment of me. It was cruel and felt calculated. I felt as though he set out to hurt me and I let him. When am I going to learn? I should know better by now. On an intellectual level I can see that his actions have nothing at all to do with me. He's obviously a very disturbed/unhappy person to treat anyone like that, much less his wife. But yet it still wounds me very deeply. I'm only human.When someone cuts me I bleed.
Sorry to be such a downer on the beginning of a holiday weekend. I needed to get this out. It's been festering in my mind and heart all week. I needed to write it all down so I can purge myself of it. I really want to enjoy this weekend with my family and my kids. I used to love Christmas but haven't been feeling the Christmas spirit the past few years. I remember the anticipation and excitement of Christmas that I used to feel and I want that back. So this weekend I am going to reclaim it. I'm going to offer up my marriage and the burdens surrounding it to God and focus on all of the Peace, Hope and Love of the Christmas Season. I hope you are able to do the same.
Merry Christmas!
xo, Bien Tomada
Around 3am that night H came into our room and got into bed with me. It's been months since he slept in our bed so it woke me up and startled the hell out of me. I've gotten into the habit of sleeping in the middle of the bed so I scooted over and prepared to go back to sleep. He spooned me and started rubbing my arms and legs. I'll spare you the details but you can imagine what he wanted. I was in shock. As I've mentioned before I sleep alone every night and at best we've been intimate 2 or 3 times since 2009 and not once this year. Initially I resisted his advances. It felt unfamiliar and very strange to have his hands on me. I was tempted to ask him to get out of my bed but the truth is it felt nice. I hate myself for feeling that way and I'm ashamed to admit it but I started this blog anonymously so I could/would be honest and that is the truth. I liked him being in my bed. I know there is nothing wrong with being intimate but I hate that someone who treats me so bad could make me feel so good. What's worse is that I let him. He doesn't deserve to be anywhere near me, much less in my bed. Anyway, what struck me later about the encounter was he never told me that he loved me. That should have given me a clue.
The experience was ok physically but empty emotionally. The next morning he cuddled with me and was acting like the old H. The one I fell in love with and agreed to marry. I was on cloud 9. I know, I'm a fool. Although I wouldn't dare admit it to myself but some part of me started thinking that things were going to get better between us. I don't know what happened to give H a change of heart but I truly wanted to believe that he had a change of heart. I never really figured out what made H change from the person I fell in love with to the man he became. Cold, bitter, mean, insensitive and indifferent towards me. It felt as though it happened overnight and I was willing to believe that the change back would be possible overnight too. We chatted about the upcoming day and I suggested we take the kids to the movies. He agreed. Shortly after that we got up and went about our day.
I was so happy, I felt loved and was positive that things would be better and continue to get better from then on. Like I said, yes I know I'm an idiot. I approached him about out movie plans and he made a face and said in an annoyed voice, "I'm watching football. You take them" Ok fine. Once again I didn't want to make a big deal about it mention that he had told me that he would join us. The kids and I headed out. When I got back I sat down next to him on the couch and attempted to tell him about the movie and wanted his input on dinner. He basically kept his eyes on the tv and ignored me. The old H was back but I REFUSED to believe it. I thought that if I explained that the change in his behavior from earlier that morning was confusing and hurtful to me we could talk about what was going on with him. I was hoping we would have a discussion like normal, rational people and come to some sort of mutual understanding/arrangement that worked for both of us. I was hoping he'd finally be open to listening to me and attempt to understand how his actions affect me. Wrong. He refused to acknowledge any change in his behavior. I told him that after a while I get used to sleeping alone and his indifferent attitude towards me. After a while it doesn't hurt as much but when he plays these games with me all of the hurt comes flooding back. Then I have the added pain of feeling like a fool for letting him hurt me yet again. He told me that I was crazy and imagining things.
Once again, I hate to admit this because I feel like such a stupid fool but I was crushed. My heart ached. I cried off and on for the rest of the week. I was so hurt by his treatment of me. It was cruel and felt calculated. I felt as though he set out to hurt me and I let him. When am I going to learn? I should know better by now. On an intellectual level I can see that his actions have nothing at all to do with me. He's obviously a very disturbed/unhappy person to treat anyone like that, much less his wife. But yet it still wounds me very deeply. I'm only human.When someone cuts me I bleed.
Sorry to be such a downer on the beginning of a holiday weekend. I needed to get this out. It's been festering in my mind and heart all week. I needed to write it all down so I can purge myself of it. I really want to enjoy this weekend with my family and my kids. I used to love Christmas but haven't been feeling the Christmas spirit the past few years. I remember the anticipation and excitement of Christmas that I used to feel and I want that back. So this weekend I am going to reclaim it. I'm going to offer up my marriage and the burdens surrounding it to God and focus on all of the Peace, Hope and Love of the Christmas Season. I hope you are able to do the same.
Merry Christmas!
xo, Bien Tomada
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Why I want to quit (Edited)
My family and I are going on a Disney Cruise to the Mexican Riviera. We are leaving in January and need passports. We all have passports with the exception of S. I don't have a copy of her birth certificate so I went down to the county house of records to request a copy.
As I was driving to the county house of records I started thinking of my dad. I haven't mentioned much about my parents so I would like to take this opportunity to talk about my dad. I loved him dearly. I remember him always laughing, I remember how gentle and loving he was. I remember going with him every Friday to cash his check at the liquor store. He always got a 6 pack of beer and 4 club drinks. Mai Tai's. 2 for him and 2 for my mom. She didn't like beer so he drank them all. I remember him throwing up every night. It sounded like gallons and gallons of vomit. My room was by the bathroom and I remember hearing him throw up and being so frightened by the sound. I was young so throwing up signaled that someone was "really sick". But yet I don't remember the next morning. I don't remember any mention of him throwing up or being under the weather. It was as though it never happened. I don't remember if I asked about it, if there was a discussion about it or if my parents mentioned it in an attempt too explain and reassure us. My next memory is of my dad coming to pick me up from school. I was in the 2nd grade. He picked my sister and I early from school. We headed to the county hospital where his father was in a coma.
Now, I don't remember much of my grandfather but what I do remember was that we would see him walking along the street as we went on our business. My dad always seemed surprised to see him and would immediately stop the car to pick him up. As a young girl my perception was that he was old and smelled. My dad would drive him wherever he said he was going but I remember my dad looking sad about it. I have a vivid memory of my sisters birthday one year when we went to China Town in the city. My grandfather came because my dad wanted to include him and my grandfather brought along his best friend. His best friend was a homeless drunk, excuse me for being blunt but that's what I think of when I think about him. Even as a young girl I could see it. It's taken me many years to figure out why/how my grandfather became to be best friends with him.
So now my grandfather is in a coma. He was found passed out on the street in the middle of a storm. He was taken to the hospital and his family was contacted. My father was grief stricken over it. He called my mom and asked her to come with him to the hospital. She was at work and felt that she couldn't leave so she suggested he take my sister and I for moral support. So he went and picked us up early from school and we went with him. I remember it felt like I was at the hospital for days, endlessly. After that I don't remember anything until the day my dad died.
I remember that a pizza franchise had opened up near our home. It was new and geared towards family/children. My mom picked me and my sister up from school and headed to the pharmacy next to the new pizza place. She had taken my dad to the dr that morning and he was diagnosed with hepatitis. She needed to fill his prescriptions and since we were in the same parking lot of the new pizza place my sister and I begged her to let us play a few games before heading home. She reluctantly agreed and we headed to the pizza place while we waited for the prescriptions. I remember having the best time and trying to convince my mom to stay when she said it was time to leave.
When we got home my mom opened the door and rushed to the couch. My dad was spread out on the couch bleeding from his chin, lips and nose. He also had various cuts on his arms and legs. Apparently he had gotten up to get the mail and fallen flat on his face. The cuts/scrapes were from him dragging himself back inside. Although now I KNOW it wasn't my fault, at the time and for many years after I felt responsible. If I hadn't begged my mom to stop by the pizza place my dad wouldn't have fallen. My next memory is of my mom leading us in our nightly prayers. She ended it with, "Please take care of daddy and make him better" I prayed along with her and drifted off to sleep, secure in the knowledge that my daddy would be ok.
I woke up in the early morning to the sound of my mom throwing up and lots of people in our house. My dad had died in the bed next to my mom. When she realized he wasn't breathing (he had been wheezing the past few weeks) she called 911. By the time they got to our house there was nothing they could do. He was gone. I don't want to say that my mom was insensitive or a bad mother but in the midst of her grief she couldn't be bothered. It was too much for her to tend to my sister and I. We looked to her for explanations, reassurance, comfort but she was unable to give it to us.
Whew, talk about a tangent!
As I was driving to the courthouse it occurred to me that I had never seen my dad's death certificate. I've asked my mom what it said, the cause if death, etc but she has always said she doesn't remember. She also doesn't remember where her copy of the death certificate is. It feels as though my decision to stop drinking is intimately connected to my dad's death so I want to know what the coroner said he died from. I've thought about his death certificate before but never had a reason to head to the court house and request a copy. So since I was headed to the courthouse to request a copy of S's birth certificate I decided to order a copy of my dad's death certificate. Since he was born before 1995 it will be delivered within 15 days via mail...
Edit to add: I posted this without reading it. I just finished reading it and want to clarify a few items. My grandfather was a homeless alcoholic. He would drift from relatives homes but for the most part he was on the streets. His wife, my grandmother, died when my father was about 8 years old. There are conflicting stories about what exactly happened to her. From what I've gathered is that she was mentally ill. I have no idea if that is true or not. I've also heard that my grandfather used to physically abuse her. She was in a relationship before the one she had with my grandfather. That marriage resulted in 4 daughters. Somehow she left that relationship and her daughters. She married my grandfather and went on to have 7 children, one a year. When my father was 8 his mothers daughters from her previous relationship 'found' her and 'forced' her to return with them to Mexico. After she left my grandfather was unable to care for his children. The girls were sent to live with an older aunt and the boys were basically left to fend for themselves. My father cried for weeks after his mother left. All of the children did. Later he heard that she had died in a horrible car accident shortly after she left. He also heard a conflicting story that she died in a fire. There is an old picture in a photo album that belongs to my parents of a unmarked grave with a simple wooden cross on it. My father was told that was where his mother was buried.
Although my grandfather was unable to properly care for his children my father was very loyal to his father. He loved his father dearly. When his father died (the cause of his death is unknown. The family decided not to have an autopsy performed) I remember my dad telling me that he couldn't live without his father. He said he was going to die too. I don't know if I believed him or not. Exactly 5 months to the day his father died my dad died. They are buried together.
Edit to add: I posted this without reading it. I just finished reading it and want to clarify a few items. My grandfather was a homeless alcoholic. He would drift from relatives homes but for the most part he was on the streets. His wife, my grandmother, died when my father was about 8 years old. There are conflicting stories about what exactly happened to her. From what I've gathered is that she was mentally ill. I have no idea if that is true or not. I've also heard that my grandfather used to physically abuse her. She was in a relationship before the one she had with my grandfather. That marriage resulted in 4 daughters. Somehow she left that relationship and her daughters. She married my grandfather and went on to have 7 children, one a year. When my father was 8 his mothers daughters from her previous relationship 'found' her and 'forced' her to return with them to Mexico. After she left my grandfather was unable to care for his children. The girls were sent to live with an older aunt and the boys were basically left to fend for themselves. My father cried for weeks after his mother left. All of the children did. Later he heard that she had died in a horrible car accident shortly after she left. He also heard a conflicting story that she died in a fire. There is an old picture in a photo album that belongs to my parents of a unmarked grave with a simple wooden cross on it. My father was told that was where his mother was buried.
Although my grandfather was unable to properly care for his children my father was very loyal to his father. He loved his father dearly. When his father died (the cause of his death is unknown. The family decided not to have an autopsy performed) I remember my dad telling me that he couldn't live without his father. He said he was going to die too. I don't know if I believed him or not. Exactly 5 months to the day his father died my dad died. They are buried together.
Not giving up
Things around here are the same. Nothing has changed. I'm still unemployed, H is continuing to grate on my nerves and I'm still struggling not to drink. I haven't been very successful. I've managed to stay sober for a few days at a time but then throw it all away and have a few drinks. Last weekend I went to a party at my in-laws house. There was lots of alcohol and although I was tempted I resisted. It felt wonderful ending the evening sober and it was even better waking up the next morning feeling refreshed and with a clear head. I took the kids out to breakfast then to the mall to take pictures with Santa. I had a good 24 hours then threw it all away that night. It doesn't make any sense to me.
I've also been sort of experimenting with moderation and so far it's working but the truth of the matter is that I do NOT want to drink anymore. I want to put it down and never touch it again. Although I feel as though I'm never going to be able to achieve sobriety I am not going to quit. I'm going to keep climbing back on the wagon no matter how many times I fall off.
I've also been sort of experimenting with moderation and so far it's working but the truth of the matter is that I do NOT want to drink anymore. I want to put it down and never touch it again. Although I feel as though I'm never going to be able to achieve sobriety I am not going to quit. I'm going to keep climbing back on the wagon no matter how many times I fall off.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Having a rough time.
I've had a rough couple of days. My temporary assignment/job ended so I'm back home with S. It's unbelievable how hard it is to find a job. I remember the days when I would decide I wanted a new job and within a month I'd have a new job. I've been actively looking for a job since April 2010. Finally in May 2011 I received an offer from a temporary agency. It was for a 6 month assignment. There was no guarantee that the job would become permanent but I hoped it would. Unfortunately a permanent position did not become available so I'm out of a job.
I haven't gotten to the financial part of My Story yet but let me just say things are NOT good. During the time that I was unable to find a job H complained incessantly about the financial burden of me not working. While one part of me sympathized with him the other part of me got tired of hearing him complain. Millions of people were out of a job, I wasn't the only one. I was faithfully looking for a job but quite simply there were no jobs to be had. In addition his complaints didn't seem very accurate. I knew how much money he made. I knew how much money I was spending on our home/kids which was very little considering I shopped around for bargains and made sure I budgeted every last penny. I received a small amount in unemployment compensation which I used to pay for my car loan, auto insurance and student loan. As far as I could tell we should be doing ok. We managed to pay our bills every month, we had a roof over our head and food in the fridge.
When I accepted the temporary assignment I decided I would save the bulk of my earnings since after 6 months I would most likely be without a job again. I also decided to try and pay down my car loan. The loan was scheduled to be paid off in April 2012. My goal was to pay it off by the end of my temporary assignment. Each month I would deposit the car payment into our joint account and H would transfer the funds to his account and make the payment. Once I had a job I decided I would make the payment myself and not bother with H. I asked him for the online account information and he seemed reluctant to give it to me. He wanted to continue with our usual payment arrangements. I did not want to. Every month it was an issue, he'd hound me about the payment and if I bought anything at all he'd question me about having the money left over for the car payment. Quite frankly he bugged the hell out of me. I stood firm and refused to budge. I was going to make the payment from then on and that was final. Eventually he agreed to give me the information BUT he said he needed me to know that I was 3 months behind on the loan. Now wait one minute! I had been giving him the car payment faithfully. Granted some months I gave him half one week and the rest the next week but I always gave him the entire amount each month. He disputed this. According to him the times I gave him the money in 2 installments did not add up to the total amount owed so he didn't make a payment that particular month. I was furious. His logic made no sense. If I truly hadn't given him the entire amount why didn't he at least apply the amount I HAD given him to the loan? What did he do with the money I gave him? He refused to give me an answer and it didn't really matter because I could tell he was lying anyway.
I logged onto the account and sure enough my car loan was 3 months behind and a repossession order had been issued. I called the loan company and made arrangements to pay the past due amount within the month. Luckily my temporary assignment paid me every week and it was enough to make a loan payment once a week until the account was current. I hung up the phone relieved that I was able to rectify the car loan situation. I decided to just forget about the money I had given H to pay towards the loan. Although it was almost 2k I knew in my heart I'd never see that money again. I told him I was going to take care of the past due balance on the loan and asked if we were behind on any of our other bills. He assured me that we weren't. Two days later his car got repossessed in the middle of the night.
I don't know why I was surprised but I have to admit I was. Even after everything H has put me through I still believe him when he tells me something. I confronted him about lying when he told me we were current on all of our bills. His excuse was that he didn't want to worry me. Oh and he said his car getting repossessed was my fault too. After all, I was the one who sat around the house doing nothing for the past year while he worked his ass off. This time I wised up, a little. I didn't bother asking him if we were past due on anything else. I took matters into my own hands and pulled a copy of both of our credit reports. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. H's credit report showed that he owed approx. $40k in credit card debt. Debt that I was not aware of. I knew about one credit card but when we married there was a balance of approx. $8k owed. Now it showed he owed approx. $20k and a payment had not been made in 9 months. As for the second credit card, I had no idea of its existence. It showed a past due balance of approx. $18k and a payment had not been made in 6 months. Although both cards were in his name only, my credit report reflected both cards and the past due balances. Upon investigation I figured out that although I was not aware of the cards, nor had I signed any paperwork for the cards or benefited from the cards since we are married and live in California all debt is considered marital debt. I was/am responsible for half of all the balances owed. Once again I confronted H and he maintained that everything was my fault. The car repossession and the debt since I had been sitting home doing nothing when I should have been working. Never mind that I was unable to find a job.
I contacted a 3 separate divorce lawyers and basically I'm responsible for half of the debt if I were to divorce. him. The courts will automatically assign half to me. One lawyer was sympathetic to my situation and said that we could subpoena the credit card statements and try to show that H was the only one using the cards. We'd be taking a chance and using up lots of billable hours getting the statements and then going over them to make a case for not being responsible for half of the debt. The retainer for her service started at $10k. The other two lawyers requested $6k and 8k respectively. Needless to say I don't have the money to hire a lawyer.
So that's where I'm at right now. I'm at least $20k in debt (assuming I'm assigned half), I don't have a job and I really can't see why I shouldn't have a stiff drink at the end of the day.
I haven't gotten to the financial part of My Story yet but let me just say things are NOT good. During the time that I was unable to find a job H complained incessantly about the financial burden of me not working. While one part of me sympathized with him the other part of me got tired of hearing him complain. Millions of people were out of a job, I wasn't the only one. I was faithfully looking for a job but quite simply there were no jobs to be had. In addition his complaints didn't seem very accurate. I knew how much money he made. I knew how much money I was spending on our home/kids which was very little considering I shopped around for bargains and made sure I budgeted every last penny. I received a small amount in unemployment compensation which I used to pay for my car loan, auto insurance and student loan. As far as I could tell we should be doing ok. We managed to pay our bills every month, we had a roof over our head and food in the fridge.
When I accepted the temporary assignment I decided I would save the bulk of my earnings since after 6 months I would most likely be without a job again. I also decided to try and pay down my car loan. The loan was scheduled to be paid off in April 2012. My goal was to pay it off by the end of my temporary assignment. Each month I would deposit the car payment into our joint account and H would transfer the funds to his account and make the payment. Once I had a job I decided I would make the payment myself and not bother with H. I asked him for the online account information and he seemed reluctant to give it to me. He wanted to continue with our usual payment arrangements. I did not want to. Every month it was an issue, he'd hound me about the payment and if I bought anything at all he'd question me about having the money left over for the car payment. Quite frankly he bugged the hell out of me. I stood firm and refused to budge. I was going to make the payment from then on and that was final. Eventually he agreed to give me the information BUT he said he needed me to know that I was 3 months behind on the loan. Now wait one minute! I had been giving him the car payment faithfully. Granted some months I gave him half one week and the rest the next week but I always gave him the entire amount each month. He disputed this. According to him the times I gave him the money in 2 installments did not add up to the total amount owed so he didn't make a payment that particular month. I was furious. His logic made no sense. If I truly hadn't given him the entire amount why didn't he at least apply the amount I HAD given him to the loan? What did he do with the money I gave him? He refused to give me an answer and it didn't really matter because I could tell he was lying anyway.
I logged onto the account and sure enough my car loan was 3 months behind and a repossession order had been issued. I called the loan company and made arrangements to pay the past due amount within the month. Luckily my temporary assignment paid me every week and it was enough to make a loan payment once a week until the account was current. I hung up the phone relieved that I was able to rectify the car loan situation. I decided to just forget about the money I had given H to pay towards the loan. Although it was almost 2k I knew in my heart I'd never see that money again. I told him I was going to take care of the past due balance on the loan and asked if we were behind on any of our other bills. He assured me that we weren't. Two days later his car got repossessed in the middle of the night.
I don't know why I was surprised but I have to admit I was. Even after everything H has put me through I still believe him when he tells me something. I confronted him about lying when he told me we were current on all of our bills. His excuse was that he didn't want to worry me. Oh and he said his car getting repossessed was my fault too. After all, I was the one who sat around the house doing nothing for the past year while he worked his ass off. This time I wised up, a little. I didn't bother asking him if we were past due on anything else. I took matters into my own hands and pulled a copy of both of our credit reports. Are you ready for this? I hope you're sitting down. H's credit report showed that he owed approx. $40k in credit card debt. Debt that I was not aware of. I knew about one credit card but when we married there was a balance of approx. $8k owed. Now it showed he owed approx. $20k and a payment had not been made in 9 months. As for the second credit card, I had no idea of its existence. It showed a past due balance of approx. $18k and a payment had not been made in 6 months. Although both cards were in his name only, my credit report reflected both cards and the past due balances. Upon investigation I figured out that although I was not aware of the cards, nor had I signed any paperwork for the cards or benefited from the cards since we are married and live in California all debt is considered marital debt. I was/am responsible for half of all the balances owed. Once again I confronted H and he maintained that everything was my fault. The car repossession and the debt since I had been sitting home doing nothing when I should have been working. Never mind that I was unable to find a job.
I contacted a 3 separate divorce lawyers and basically I'm responsible for half of the debt if I were to divorce. him. The courts will automatically assign half to me. One lawyer was sympathetic to my situation and said that we could subpoena the credit card statements and try to show that H was the only one using the cards. We'd be taking a chance and using up lots of billable hours getting the statements and then going over them to make a case for not being responsible for half of the debt. The retainer for her service started at $10k. The other two lawyers requested $6k and 8k respectively. Needless to say I don't have the money to hire a lawyer.
So that's where I'm at right now. I'm at least $20k in debt (assuming I'm assigned half), I don't have a job and I really can't see why I shouldn't have a stiff drink at the end of the day.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Hope springs eternal..
I can't believe I made it! I wanted a drink so bad earlier. The past few times the craving/obsession got this bad I gave in and drank. I even went so far as to drive to the store for something that I didn't even need. A Barbie doll. I'm serious. S was playing with one of her toy sets and only has one Barbie. She wanted me to play with her but I didn't have a Barbie. A Barbie doll of all things was the excuse I used to leave my house @8pm with the wind howling and parts of my city without power. As I was headed out the door H asked me to pick up cold medicine for him.
At the store I found a Barbie for S and then waited in line at the pharmacy counter. The medicine he wanted needs to be bought at the counter. While I waited in line I debated whether I wanted to buy a full size bottle or stop at the liquor store an get a smaller bottle. Finally it was my turn and when I tried to pay I realized that I had the wrong debit card. It was declined. I was very embarrassed. I told the pharmacist that I would be back with the correct card. As I walked out to get the correct card from my car I thought to myself, "Well surely after this embarrassing episode I DESERVE a drink" I almost laughed out loud. That line of thinking sounded absurd! I got the correct card, went back in to pay for my stuff and drove home. I spent some time playing with S before putting her to bed.
Now I'm sitting here drinking peppermint tea and I feel hopeful once again. I'll admit I had begun to lose hope and allowed myself to think that being sober was too hard and that I would never be able to do it. After tonight I don't feel that way at all. I can do this. I will do this. There's always time to make a fresh start and here is mine.
At the store I found a Barbie for S and then waited in line at the pharmacy counter. The medicine he wanted needs to be bought at the counter. While I waited in line I debated whether I wanted to buy a full size bottle or stop at the liquor store an get a smaller bottle. Finally it was my turn and when I tried to pay I realized that I had the wrong debit card. It was declined. I was very embarrassed. I told the pharmacist that I would be back with the correct card. As I walked out to get the correct card from my car I thought to myself, "Well surely after this embarrassing episode I DESERVE a drink" I almost laughed out loud. That line of thinking sounded absurd! I got the correct card, went back in to pay for my stuff and drove home. I spent some time playing with S before putting her to bed.
Now I'm sitting here drinking peppermint tea and I feel hopeful once again. I'll admit I had begun to lose hope and allowed myself to think that being sober was too hard and that I would never be able to do it. After tonight I don't feel that way at all. I can do this. I will do this. There's always time to make a fresh start and here is mine.
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